Chapter five: Control
Anakin reached the memorial gardens quickly enough and switched on his lightsaber, hearing the ominous buzzing echo back at him through the empty gardens. He looked around himself to see the majestic trees, the beautiful flowers, and the tombs of the deceased Jedi.
He hated it.
The quiet beauty of the place seemed to laugh at him, to tell him to go away. He could hear the voices of the dead floating up to him, telling him that he had no right to be here, no right to be with Obi-Wan. "No!" he screamed into the hollows, dropping the lightsaber and wrapping his arms around himself to protect from a sudden chill that ran through his bones. "You don't own me! You can't hurt me! I won't let you, and I won't let you hurt my Master!" He fell to his knees, trying to block out the voices. "NO!" he screamed again, the desperation in his voice heard throughout the sleepy garden.
"No…no…can't hurt me…" he whimpered, crawling to his lightsaber and clutching it to his heart. He felt reassured by the small, lightweight tube and stood up, looking around himself. He spotted the white marking stone easily, and strode towards it, with the lightsaber shaking in his uncertain fingers. He looked at it, and wondered for a split second if this was wrong. Then he heard the voices again, and over their senseless drawl of doom he heard his Master, whimpering and crying over Qui-Gon. He looked again at the marking stone, seeing now not a stone but an evil thing, threatening him, mocking him, stealing Obi-Wan from him.
He growled, a deep, feral sound from the bottom of his throat. And he screamed as he brought the lightsaber down, splitting the stone in two jagged halves. He felt the shock travel up his arm painfully, but he ignored it. There was work to be done.
He brought it down again, the blue blade humming as it split the rock again, leaving the acrid smell of lightning in the air. He did the same thing, over and over, until the majestic white gravestone was reduced to smouldering rubble. Anakin turned off his lightsaber and looked at the mess he'd left; fragments of the white stone lay everywhere. He flicked off some gravel that had landed on his feet and sat down; feeling waves of relief and guilt wash over him almost simultaneously.
He felt the pain shoot through his arms like adrenaline while hating himself for what he had just done. The other Padawans cancontrol their anger, why can't I? But the guilt faded away slowly to come back later, and all he felt was relief. He wiped the sweat off his face with his sleeve, and saw that there was a small, bloody mark on it. He frowned and touched his cheek, finding that one of the sharper pieces had left him with a superficial slash across the cheek, a cut that would remind him of what he'd done every time he looked in a mirror. The thought scared him and pleased him.
He left there after an hour, absentmindedly toying with the bloody piece of rock that had cut him. Then he stood up, threw it over his shoulder and walked back to his quarters, falling back into a deep, uninterrupted slumber for several hours.
"Anakin, are you awake? Anakin?"
Anakin stirred and opened his eyes to see the smiling face of his Master.
"Thank you for taking care of me. Once more, I am in debt to you. I'm sorry about the cutting; I just lost control. It won't happen again."
"You say that too much, Master."
"I suppose."
They looked at each other for a few minutes, and the love glowing in Obi-Wan's eyes made Anakin's doubts resurface. Had he really done the right thing? He closed his eyes for a moment. No use in living in the past, Anakin. He opened his eyes again and smiled at Obi-Wan. "Come, Master, I have something to show you," he said, taking the hand Obi-Wan offered to pull himself out of bed. Let's see what he thinks about this, thought Anakin as they walked to the memorial gardens. "Anakin, I don't understand what you're doing-"
"Shh…"
He took them to the tree and let go of his Master's hand, showing him the demolished marking-stone's fragments lying at their feet. "For you, Master."
Obi-Wan looked at the scene placed in front of him and felt a deep sense of dread swell in his heart. "Anakin, did you do this?" he asked, forcing his voice to be clam.
"Yes, I did."
Obi-Wan closed his eyes and tried to picture it. It wasn't as hard as he hoped it would be. He saw his Padawan, attacking the gravel that was once a tombstone viciously, beating it down because it didn't agree with what he wanted. He cringed, seeing for the first time how angry his Padawan got, and how easy it was to unlock that anger. Anakin was a trail of kerosene waiting for a single spark. He opened his eyes again and stared at the mess. That block had been solid pyonite, one of the hardest materials in the star system. But Anakin had demolished it in less than half an hour.
Obi-Wan shivered and sat down, amazed and terrified by the tall figure in front of him. That passed as he remembered his Master, and anger took over everything else. He could almost see it, a red veil forced over his eyes, blocking out everything but Anakin.
"What is this, Anakin? Why? Did he ever hurt you? He saved you, for hell's sake! You should be thankful!"
"I don't believe this! He's dead, Obi-Wan!"
"That doesn't give you the right to do this! I could send you to Master Yoda! I should expel you from the Order!"
"But you won't, Obi-Wan. You care about me. You need me. You can't hurt me."
The conceit in Anakin's voice snapped something in Obi-Wan. He slammed his Padawan against a tree and pinned him there, fuming.
"Can't hurt you? You think that I can't hurt you? I thought that you could never do anything like this, even when everyone else did. Sometimes, my Ani, the world doesn't agree with what we think," he growled, digging his nails into Anakin's arms.
"Stop it, Obi-Wan!"
"You will call me Master, and it is hardly in your place to tell me what I should do! You are my Padawan! I will do as I wish!"
Anakin bit his lip at the pain burning in his arms. He felt hot tears prickling his eyes, and one slipped out, unwanted.
"Jedi don't cry, Padawan!" yelled Obi-Wan, throwing his Padawan to the ground. He stood above his Padawan, impressively silhouetted by the light of the early morning sun.
By now, any pretence of defence had slipped from Anakin's grasp and he cried bitterly, hoping, wishing, praying, and knowing that no one was going to come and save him now. "Please stop, Master," he whispered, his voice sore and broken. He had heard something pop in his ribcage when he fell, and a dull pain was slowly spreading through that area of his body.
Obi-Wan sat down and looked into his Padawan's eyes. His eyes were cold and grey. This was the Obi-Wan that no one had seen, the Obi-Wan who had resented life for seven years, the dark Obi-Wan, if you wish. Those seven years of chastity, of bitterness, of anger, had finally taken over Anakin's calm Master, and he was a shadow of himself. He felt strangely disconnected from who he really was, and that made him feel free to do whatever he wanted. And he wanted to punish his Padawan for ruining what he had left of his Master. So he watched Anakin cry. And he loved it.
"Why'd you do it, Anakin? What made you do it?" he asked, voice mocking and cruel.
Anakin swallowed, tasting blood in his throat. "Qui-Gon was haunting you, and I thought you'd be happy if I stopped it," he answered, some of his strength leaking back into his voice. He felt energy surge through him like a current, emanating from anger. Why can't he understand? I'm only trying to help. None of them understand.
"You held onto him like a baby, years after he was dead, playing with the memories in your head to pretend that he was here. And you couldn't handle it when you found out that you were attracted to someone else. I heard you when you were sleeping," said Anakin accusingly. The newfound vigour surged to his limbs and he pushed his Master down, standing up and reversing their roles.
"I did you a favour, and you didn't appreciate it at all," yelled Anakin, the power that he had run into that morning returning to him now. "You never appreciate the things I do for you!" he picked his Master up and slammed him against the tree, a strange déja-vu playing itself out in the garden.
Obi-Wan's eyes widened when he saw Anakin's eyes. They were black, black as a cold midnight in winter, and showed no trace of humanity at all. Anakin threw him onto the flowers with the Force, and Obi-Wan landed with a thud, wondering where Anakin had gotten all of this sudden strength. He had hit his lip on a larger chunk of white stone, and he could feel the blood starting to ooze out of his mouth. He swallowed the metallic taste of the liquid in his mouth and wished fanatically that someone would come and save them.
Anakin straddled his Master's hips, laughed a deranged laugh, feeling for the first time the sweet pleasure of absolute control. He loved that control, loved that helplessness that he saw on the face of the man between his knees.
Obi-Wan looked up at Anakin numbly, wondering if anything would surprise him about his Padawan anymore. Maybe he was a drug lord. Maybe he was a pimp. There was very little he wouldn't put past Anakin right now.
"Say it, Master. Say it! Say that I did you a favour!" When Obi-Wan remained silent, Anakin growled, a deep, feral sound. "Say it," He said, his voice deadly and cold. Still his Master remained silent. Anakin pressed his lips together in determination. He would hear those words pass from his master's lips before the day was over, because he would make them. Anakin pulled off the loose material of his Master's nightshirt, ignoring the bandaged arm. He suddenly went blind with fury at the passive aura his Master radiated, as if he didn't care about what Anakin was doing. He wanted to see Obi-Wan moan, wanted to see him lose control. Control. His control.
He kissed his master's lips brutally, sucking on the blood coating them. The metallic fluid tasted odd in his mouth, bittersweet, strangely saccharine and hot. He sucked the wound he'd caused dry, and when he wanted more, he moved down to his neck. He sucked, leaving a violet mark where his mouth had been, feeling adrenaline and arousal shoot through him in waves.
Obi-Wan felt like his body was engulfed in a cold fire. There was blood leaking from a cut on his abdomen, and his entire body hurt. There were tears in his eyes, but he wouldn't let Anakin see tem. He had to bite back a laugh at the thought that had entered his mind: This is the midlife-crisis affair from hell.
Anakin looked at his Master's bare body, where he could see marks left from sucking too hard just starting to turn blue. He saw the beginnings of bruises, and even some blood leaking, all of his doing. The thought spurred him on, and he screamed his proclamation into the sun-lit sky. "I'll hear you say those words, Master," the word was a curse in his mouth, "before the day is through."
But Obi-Wan did not cry.. Anakin gave Obi-Wan all he could handle and more, and still Obi-Wan did nothing. He lay there with the same passive expression on his face, numbed to the pain his body was being put through. It drove Anakin insane, and he tried, over and over again, to strike a reaction. He picked up a sharper piece of rock and pressed into his Master's shoulder in a haze of violent lust, pulling it along to form a gash in his Master's shoulder, stretching almost to his elbow. He saw his Master's features tighten very slightly, but nothing else. It drove him insane. He grit his teeth and stood up, figuring that there was no more he could do. As a final goodbye, he kicked his Master hard in the ribs with his boots, checking one last time to see if he had any effect on Obi-Wan. Nothing. He spat on his Master's chest, marking his territory as a wolf would.
Anakin turned around, robes billowing, and proudly walked away, leaving Obi-Wan lying there, broken and dazed.
It was then, and only then, that Obi-Wan could let go of the past, with his blood staining the fragments of his Master's tombstone that his Padawan had broken. So, he thought, I suppose he did do me a favour. He laughed, but it quickly turned into a cough, He decided not to laugh at the irony then. He let go of all of it, and watched the sun rise higher and higher in the sky, going through his memories and letting go, letting go of these useless loyalties. He was cold and in a great deal of pain, but he felt more at peace with the world than ever before.
Obi-Wan lay there, his blood staining the white gravel under him to a deep crimson. The green grass turned black with it, but he didn't move. He dreamed in a hazy world between life and death, about Qui-Gon, about Anakin, about himself. He saw a strange vision of a tall, bipedal creature clad in black that was darker than deep space that breathed in a pained, laboured way. From this creature spread a nameless dread, closer and closer until-
Obi-Wan fell back into the world of the living with a start. He didn't understand the vision, and he didn't want to. He started to forget about it, and soon had no idea what he had been thinking about. He felt every thread of his corporeal being scream out into pain, but he ignored it all and fell into a deep, troubled sleep once more. A sleep that he almost never awoke from.
Later, when Anakin returned, in tears, Obi-Wan had nothing to say. Anakin knelt by his Master's side, horrified at the broken beauty before him. He cupped his Master's face in his hand, but his Master turned away, and that gesture told Anakin more than any words could.
He sat there; silent sobs wracking his body, watching his Master stare out into the infinite blackness of the galaxies. Finally, Obi-Wan pulled himself into a sitting position, and talked in a small, even voice. "Thank you, Anakin. You did do me a favour."
Those words broke Anakin's heart and he sobbed openly, silently pleading through their bond. No, Master. That wasn't me. I love you…don't leave me here…I'm so sorry…Master? Master, say something.
"Drink," said Obi-Wan, pointed to the trickle of blood on his shoulder.
"No, Master, I couldn't possibly-"
"Drink," he commanded, and Anakin did, hesitantly, but the blood was cold and bitter this time, and he dearly wished to spit it out. Anakin felt nauseous at the bitter liquid that filled his mouth with the cold taste of copper and hate.
Obi-Wan looked at his Padawan, who was about to vomit. He smiled bitterly and stood up. "Blood is life. You have taken most of mine. You drink from it, you feed off it. And now it is bitter to you. It should be. You leave me drained, Anakin, drained of life, love and will. All I have is you. And that's how it will stay, Anakin, that's how it will stay. You will be everything I have, and leave me with nothing in the end."
He took a few steps away from the sprawled, immobile form of his Padawan. "Nothing."
And he walked away, into the dark cover of night, exhausted, broken and empty, leaving Anakin crying in the gardens, to start a new life. Something in their bond was broken that day, and neither one knew what it was, so neither of them could fix it. But something was lost in that garden, lost into the whispers of the trees and the flowers, and the shattered, bloodied tombstone.
Was it trust? Compassion? Sympathy? No one could be sure.
And so it stayed, just as Obi-Wan had said. Sure, their routine fell back to normal, and they were as normal as a Master and Padawan any age, but something, something was lost, not trust, but an elusive sort of love, and Anakin found himself missing it. Missing it so much that it almost physically hurt. He vowed never to let it happen again, never to let himself get exposed like that ever again. And he didn't. From that day forth, his soul was closed, sealed by a pain that would stay with him forever.
A loyalty that was never really there. A wound that was never healed; only covered up with makeup and bandages, left to fester and rot. And a fiery, overpowering lust that consumed everything, like lava, leaving cold black rock when the waves came crashing down.
No one has as much control over their future as they would like to believe. It's our emotions that decide our actions, whether we choose to believe it or not. Often it is also these emotions that linger in our hearts long after the event has passed, marking us.
So it is with all sentient beings.
Even the almighty Jedi knights.
~~Fin~~