Disclaimer: Star Wars and everything affiliated belongs to George Lucas, Lucasfilm, and their shareholders. I own no part of it, and I am writing this with no authorization to do so. I am making no profit off this piece. The characters in this story do not belong to me, except for Taro, who is a figment of my imagination. Kindly do not sue me; I wrote this after seeing Episode II because I was inspired and had nowhere else to use that inspiration.

Author's note: This is a slash story about Anakin and Obi-Wan, exploring Anakin's sexual awakening and Obi-Wan's mid-life crisis. It is rated NC-17 not for explicit violence or sex, but rather for language, some hinted sex, rape, and violence, and general kinkiness. Sorry, no explicit sex. It is still not for the kiddies, to whom I suggest an afternoon with the TV instead. You have been warned; I bear no responsibility for whatever consequences you suffer from reading this.

Having said that, if you still would like to read it, by all means, go ahead! Read and PLEASE REVIEW! Send me whatever you want, be it a good or bad word, or even a flame. Still, at least make it a tasteful flame, not something along the lines of "ew this is gay u are gay u sick sick stoopid bitch!!1!!!"

Enjoy !

All right, these are my author's notes for the whole story, so I'm allowed to make them long. First off, sorry for the triple spacing for every paragraph break. It can't be helped- some weird fluke between Windows 2000 word files and ff.net. Secondly, for anyone who says, Hey, I've read this before- True. It's just that one of my friends asked me to send it to her, and I decided to proofread it again, and a caught a lot of mistakes that I didn't the first time 'round. Continuity, capitalization, et cetera.

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Loyalties

Chapter one: Enigmas

  Foreword

No one has as much control over his or her future as s/he would like to believe. It is our emotions that decide our actions, whether you choose to believe it or not.  Often it is also these emotions that linger in our hearts long after the event has passed, marking us.

So it is with all sentient beings.

Even the almighty Jedi knights.

"Frustration bit inside him. Obi-Wan tried to understand him. He loved his Master for that. But no one could understand. Not his fellow students at the Temple, not his teachers, not even Yoda, who seemed to understand so much." 

© Jude Watson, Jedi Apprentice: Special Edition, Deceptions

   Fifteen-year-old Anakin Skywalker lay sprawled on his sleep-couch, thinking and chewing on his Padawan braid absently. It was unusual to see a young, handsome Padawan in his quarters on a busy night at the clubs, but no one thought twice of it.

   They all knew that Anakin was no ordinary Padawan.

   Anakin was in love, or at least in deep lust, with his Master, which was presenting him with some difficulty. Obi-Wan clouded his sleep, his meditations, and even his daydreams during his more dull lessons. It was getting embarrassing- he was fairly sure that people were starting to notice, especially considering that he was surrounded by Force-sensitives.

   Anakin knew that he would have to do something about his 'problem' before his Master sensed his feelings through their Force-bonds, because nothing good could ever come out of that. So far, Anakin's shields had worked, but keeping them up was an exhausting job, and Anakin wasn't sure how much longer he could hold up. But how could he tell his Master something like that? There was no way he could without sounding like an infatuated, idiotic Padawan. His Master would be revolted.  He would send him to Yoda, and they would expel him from the Jedi, or something equally as bad. Maybe he'd never see Obi-Wan ever again, and he couldn't bear to live with that, so he said nothing. But he knew he should, and that counted for something.

   Anakin sighed, and decided to think more about it later. He reverted back to one of his more obscure fantasies of his Master, making sure that his shields were up. His lips parted into a smile at the thought of having Obi-Wan lying next to him, his elegant chestnut hair plastered close to his head with sweat and his teeth biting into his lip in a look of concentration.

   Anakin's hand very slowly started undoing the laces on his breeches.

**

   Obi-Wan played with the flavoured stick stirring his drink. He was in a popular Jedi nightclub, alone, drinking and feeling generally melancholy. He looked out at the young couples in love, knowing that for most of them, the magic would be lost by the next morning. I used to be one of them, he thought wistfully. When did I become so old? He took a sip of the neon drink and pulled his cloak closer to himself.

   Obi-Wan stood up, leaving his drink on the table. He felt the need to be with someone familiar, and his feet started towards Mace Wind's quarters. His eyes prickled, and he rubbed at them furiously.

**

   Anakin felt disgusted with himself. He wiped off his sticky fingers on his cloak. He stuck it under his sleep-couch, figuring that he'd give it to the laundry-droid the next morning. Until then, a shower sounded good. A nice, cold shower. He couldn't have Master Obi-Wan finding him like this, and he was due back any minute.

   Anakin stepped out of the 'fresher, rubbing at his hair with a towel. He dried himself off and slipped into an old pair of his Master's sleep-clothes that he'd taken to wearing. He loved the smell of his Master, and it comforted him whenever he awoke sweating coldly from some nightmare.

   The door opened, and Anakin rushed to meet his Master. "Good evening, Padawan." There was a trace of sadness in Obi-Wan's voice. Anakin frowned, wondering what could be bothering him. "Is something wrong, Master?"

   "No…yes. Come here, Padawan."

   Anakin did as he was told and was surprised when his Master pulled him into a hug. They separated and sat down on the red futon that dominated their common quarters.

   "You know, Master, if something's wrong, you can always tell me…" he started, puzzled.

   Obi-Wan looked at Anakin and felt like telling him everything. About how lonely he had become. About how inadequate he felt as a Master. About how old he felt. About how much he missed Qui-Gon. But he wouldn't understand, thought Obi-Wan. It wouldn't be fair, thought Obi-Wan.  He looked at Anakin and opened his mouth to formulate a story about a bad lightsaber practise, but his Padawan's liquid brown eyes were too warm, too concerned. He couldn't lie, not to Anakin.

"I… I'm lonely, I'm cold and I'm tired." He laughed bitterly. "Your old Master isn't afraid of death, but he's terrified of being alone. I'm a disgrace to the Jedi Order," Obi-Wan stated in a clipped voice, staring blankly at Anakin's hair. Anakin couldn't figure out what he should do, so he did what he thought his mother would have done. He hugged his Master tightly, drinking in the smell of smoke and mint from his hair, and stayed silent, in case Obi-Wan wanted to elaborate.

   Obi-Wan sat stiffly at first, but he relaxed into Anakin's arms eventually and started playing with his Padawan's thin braid, trying to forget himself and say something. He couldn't think of anything to say, so he just let his Padawan hold him. He sobbed once, but instantly regretted it when he felt his Padawan's fingers in his hair, trying clumsily to soothe him. You're the Master, he reminded himself, you absolutely have to keep it together.

   At some point he fell deeply asleep, and Anakin let him, as his own eyes were starting to feel heavy.

   Anakin yawned tiredly and tried to rub his eyes, but found that his arms were pinned down by a heavy, warm mass on his chest. He tried to push it off before he realised what it was. A million possibilities of how his Master ended up draped over him flashed through Anakin's mind in the split second it took him to remember the truth. He was disappointed, to say the least, but happy that his Master had opened up to him like that. He enjoyed how heavy his Master felt, how his heartbeat pulsed against his abdomen. No, he thought frantically, no! Not now, he urged himself as he felt a familiar liquid heat run through his body. He twisted away desperately, hoping beyond hope that his Master wouldn't feel his newly throbbing cock.

    Obi-Wan stirred. Anakin prayed to the Force that he wasn't awake.

   "Good morning, Anakin."

    Anakin made a quick mental note to ask Master Yoda if his abilities in the Force had significantly dropped for some reason.

    "Good morning, Master," he said, hoping his voice didn't sound too strained. He snorted. Yes, your VOICE is the biggest- argh! Stop!- problem here.

   Obi-Wan felt better than he had the night before. He yawned and gently rested his head on Anakin's belly, his lips quirking into a smile of surprise a few seconds later. Well, well, thought Obi-Wan, at least one of us had pleasant dreams last night.

   Anakin felt Obi-Wan stir and he knew that he had been discovered. He wished that there was some kind of hole he could crawl into and hide… No, not that kind of hole! he protested, arguing foolishly against his own dirty mind.

   Obi-Wan raised his head to look at Anakin, who was blushing deeper and deeper with every passing scecond. He seemed to be avoiding his Master's gaze. Obi-Wan couldn't help but laugh at his Padawan's awkwardness- he was going to start whistling in a second to distract himself. 

    "Sweet dreams, huh, Anakin?"

   The giant strawberry that was Anakin let out a nervous giggle. "Shut up, Master."

   Obi-Wan grinned. He'd struck a nerve. "So sorry I broke down like that last night. You obviously had other things on your mind."

    He tipped up Anakin's chin, forcing his Padawan to look at him. He saw feral, sharp glint of something- but it vanished, and in its place was a sheepish, shy stare. Obi-Wan figured that he must have imagined it, and continued his teasing.

   " I'm sorry- I know you wish it was anyone other than me falling asleep on you."

   Anakin laughed with his master, relieved. " Are you done yet, Master? Haven't you had your fun?"

   Obi-Wan ruffled his Padawan's hair affectionately. "Just one more. It isn't often that I find time to humiliate you. When I said sweet dreams, I didn't mean quite that sweet, Ani. Oh, well, I was your age once myself. A zillion years ago, of course. I know how you feel. And go get her, any girl would be foolish to turn you down."

   Anakin looked at his Master with a reassured smile. Thank the Sith hells that his Master hadn't figured out exactly who those dreams were about! Also, his Master thought that Anakin had his eye on a she! Yay! he cheered mentally.

   Obi-Wan stood up and stretched, waking up his muscles. Anakin winced as he got up, the knots in his back protesting loudly.

   Obi-Wan looked worriedly at his Padawan. "Oh, Ani, that must be my fault for making you sleep like that. Here, let me work those out for you."

   " Sure, Master," said Anakin, hoping his glee wasn't too obvious in his voice. He quickly stripped to the waist and lay down on the futon, thanking every aching muscle in his back. His Master straddled his hips, the rough material of his cloak brushing against Anakin's bare flesh. A current of heat swept through Anakin's entire body, and he had to bite his lip to stop from sighing. His Master's soft fingers ran over his flesh, setting his nerve endings on fire. The half-hour stretched on sweetly, leaving a thoroughly incoherent Padawan in its wake.

   Eventually, as all good things do, it had to end. Obi-Wan said something, but Anakin wasn't listening. He was too busy trying to keep his hormones in check.

   "Anakin!"

   "Huh?"

   "Anakin, I asked if that felt any better."

   "Yes, Master. Thank you."

   An idea suddenly struck Anakin. " You don't mind if I return the favour, do you, Master? Your back seems a bit stiff as well."

   "Thank you, Anakin, but there's really no-"

    "I insist."

   "I was hoping you would," answered Obi-Wan. "Teen Padawans don't make the best mattresses."

    Anakin swallowed hard as he watched his Master strip down. Obi-Wan's strong, lean body looked magnificent in the weak rays of light starting to escape from the horizon, but Anakin would think that his Master's body looked gorgeous in any light. He had to fight hard against the powerful bile of lust that was starting to rise in his throat. His Master's flesh seemed to burn at his touch, and he worked hard at relaxing the tired muscles in Obi-Wan's back, particularly in the shoulders. He knew that his Master could feel his hard-on, but he didn't particularly care. He would blame it all on Taro if his Master asked.

   But right now, he was going to enjoy this.

**

   Obi-Wan ran a brush through his hair, trying to make himself presentable for the Jedi council. Master Yoda had summoned him privately, but that was no excuse to have hair that looked like the fur of a frazzled Wookiee. Obi-Wan smiled at his reflection. He wasn't an arrogant man, but even he knew when he looked good. He straightened his robes slightly and left, wondering briefly why Anakin had left so early for his lightsaber duelling class.

**

   Anakin rested his lightsaber on a bench for a second to wipe his forehead with a towel. He'd been deeply immersed in some vicous combat with his best friend Taro for over an hour, and his class hadn't even started yet. Duelling was one of the only ways he could let loose all of the emotion he pent up in front of his Master. He was very good at it; he had plenty of opportunities to practice, after all. He wiped off one of the mirrored walls and remembered that he still had to fix his Padawan braid. He smiled as he ducked, and the green lightsaber harmlessly struck the mirror he was looking at. Taro usually didn't play fair, but Anakin's amazing abilities in the Force gave him the upper hand.

    "Yeah, yeah, you got lucky this time. I should have hit you. Now, less mirror, more action, pretty boy."

Anakin grinned as he flipped on his lightsaber. "You'll have to catch me first, Taro," he teased, pulling down the visor on his helmet.

**

   Obi-Wan bowed respectfully to Master Yoda before taking his seat on the meditation mat set out on the ground. Yoda stared at him with wizened eyes, making Obi-Wan uncomfortable. Master Yoda could see straight into the heart, and Obi-Wan wasn't ready to know what he was feeling.

   " Confused, you are. Know of your Padawan's feelings, you do not."

   "Of course I know how Anakin is feeling! He's…happy, and he's in love!"

   "That much is apparent, Obi-Wan. How feels he for you?"

   "He respects me and my authority. He is learning well. His abilities in the Force are unsurpassed in his level. Master Yoda, I don't know why you've-"

    "No, youngling," Yoda shifted his position so that he was staring directly at Obi-Wan. "How feels he about you as Obi-Wan, not as Master Obi-Wan?"

   "We have a great relationship. We talk and joke and…and get along. He is an excellent Padawan," stammered Obi-Wan.

   "Let you into his mind, he does not. When presented to the Council he was, shielded, we discovered his mind to be. Alarmed, I was, by the hostility I found when tried, I did, to probe gently his mind."

   Obi-Wan felt all his hopes sink. Shielding yourself from the Council was tolerated, but it was a rule that you had to drop all shields when talking to Master Yoda himself. Obi-Wan had always willingly done so. What could Anakin possibly have to hide? He's hiding something from me, realised Obi-Wan with a start. There is something he doesn't want me to know, and he would go to the level of defying Master Yoda to keep it hidden.

   "Yes, Obi-Wan. Concerned, I am. Know what Anakin is hiding, I do not. Well shielded, he has kept himself. Afraid, he is, that you will find out. Fear leads to the Dark side. If Anakin were to fall to the Dark side, chaos would reign the galaxy, Obi-Wan."

   "But that's mad! Anakin would never turn!"

   "So I hope, Obi-Wan. So I hope. Tell me, Obi-Wan, know you who Anakin's new love interest is?"

   "I…I don't know, Master."  

    "Make it your mission to find out, you will. That will be all, Obi-Wan," said Yoda with a smile. He stood up and left, leaning heavily -and falsely- on his cane.

    Obi-Wan felt confused and unhappy. Qui-Gon was wrong, he thought. I wasn't ready to be a Master. I tried, and now my own Padawan is hiding from me. Obi-Wan walked to their shared sleep-chambers and stared at the ceiling for a long time, trying to figure things out. He smiled an ironic smile. Here was the Jedi knight who could stop wars, negotiate impossible treaties, and yet not figure out what was going through his fifteen-year-old Padawan's mind. He felt like a total failure. 

**

   Anakin recited the planets of the Outer Rim in a monotonous voice while he probed his Master's mind to see what was going on. He was surprised at the anguish and grief that he found, centring on memories of Qui-Gon. Anakin had always expected some sadness on the topic of Obi-Wan's dead Master, but not this festering swamp of regret and pain. This was something close to a suicidal amount. Anakin paused as his brain processed that last thought and he ran out of the class, not bothering to leave an explanation. He needed to find his Master.

    He found himself in the Jedi memorial gardens, a beautiful but sombre place where Jedi seldom went. This made it easy to spot his Master, who was bent over in a secluded corner of the garden. Anakin ran to his Master and put his hand on his shoulder. He was surprised when his Master looked up at him with perfectly dry eyes. Instead of tears, a capricious angry grief darkened those blue eyes, scaring Anakin far more than tears would have.

    "Why, Ani, why'd he have to die? I loved him so much, and than he was just taken… just taken away! I hate the Sith! I wish that they'd killed me that night! I failed him. And… and now I'm failing you."

It registered numbly in Anakin's mind that Jedi weren't supposed to hate. Obi-Wan was doing a bad thing. This came as a shock to Anakin- though not completely straight-laced; Obi-Wan was a stickler for the Jedi code.

   "No, Master, if you'd died that night, I would never have been trained in the Jedi academy! I couldn't ask for a better Master! I couldn't live without you!"

   "Now you know how I feel!" Obi-Wan stood up and brought himself to his full height, which was already an impressive three inches shorter than Anakin. He realised that he could still inspire fear in his Padawan as Anakin shrunk back against a tree. He regretted what he was about to say before he even opened his mouth, but he couldn't stop it from spilling out.

   "Tell me, Anakin, if you love me so much, why are you hiding things from me?" Obi-Wan's voice was a low, deadly hiss. His normally clear blue eyes had darkened to a deep indigo and his lips were set in a hard, grim line. For a single frightening moment, Anakin felt his Master turn into a sombre shadow of who he really was, but only for a second. Than it was gone, and he was the calm, austere Jedi master again, saying something about meditating.

   Obi-Wan wasn't nearly as secure as he let everyone think he was.  No, he was a mess, and Anakin had just learned that he was part of the problem. Anakin looked at Qui-Gon's white marking stone casting a shadow over his feet in the late evening-sun. It suddenly angered Anakin that his Master still held such a close connection to this man who had been dead for so long. Why bother trying to love the dead? If they were gone, they were gone. He glared at the simple white stone and spat on it. He hated it, hated it for taking his Master away from him! A picture of Shmi entered his mind and he sunk into the grass, dazedly realising the implications of what he'd just done. He involuntarily let out a sob, and another, missing his mother. He loved her so much- and than it hit him. He was a hypocrite. He was doing exactly what he'd just patronised obi-Wan for: loving the dead.

    "Why, mom, why!" He clung to the grass and cried his soul dry, next to the marking stone where his spit was still glinting in the evening light. The smell of flowers was all around him, the grass green. So it was in this perfect picture that Anakin Skywalker learned how to hate, and how much he enjoyed hating.

He fell asleep there many hours later, satisfied.

   Master Yoda felt something strong snap in the Force, and he stood perfectly still, feeling dread wash over him like a wave. "A terrible thing has happened," uttered the small Jedi Master quietly as he sat down, ears twitching. He closed his eyes and hoped that this wasn't as dreadful as he felt it was. Something, or rather, someone, in the Temple had crossed the very fine line between frustration and hate, and enjoyed it very much there. Master Yoda bowed his head, trying to figure out who this person was, and found that he simply could not. This disturbed him greatly, and he stood up quietly, deciding to go for a walk in the memorial gardens. He had a hunch as to who it might be, and he dearly hoped that he was wrong.