Author Note (added Dec 4, 2012): When I wrote this first installment of Fragments of Memories, it went in a different direction than I had originally intended and was supposed to be a one-shot. But then more ideas for introspective character study things started bothering me, and I decided that instead of leaving them scattered all over the place it would probably make the most sense to make them into a collection.

This will now be a series of one-shots with each one focusing on a single character, or looking at an event from a specific character's point of view, etc. Some may be more introspective than others, there could be ones that are more slice of life, while others might be funny. It really just depends. I'll try to say the genre of each one-shot at the beginning of each chapter. I have the main genres for the entire collection as General and Friendship for now, but that might change... (Any suggestions for what else they could be?)

Sorry for the long author note, now on to the story!

I started writing this story in the middle of September thinking it'd be a somewhat short character study on Cloud. It's now October, and it became a full-fledged reminiscence of everything that led to FFVII, as well as some things afterwards.

Characters © to Square Enix, etc.

Written by aReadingHeart

Fragments of Memories: Reminiscence ([ ν ] – εуλ 0009, post FFVII, a few months before Advent Children.)

(Cloud's POV. Genres: General, angst/drama. Approx. 6,988 words)

I remember everything. But there's still so many things I wish I could forget. So many things I wish I could change. But I can't. No one can fix past mistakes. I keep wondering why. Why did things turn out the way they did? What could I have done differently? Memories can comfort. But mine keeping haunting me.

I was always the odd one out as a kid. Having hair like a chocobo was part of it. Another part was I was the only kid in town whose father left and never came back. Don't really even remember him now. I dealt with it, 'though maybe not in the best ways. I always felt out of place with most of the other kids. Felt like they were immature and stupid. That attitude didn't help my relations with them any, so I was either in fights or alone much of the time. But I was always interested in Tifa, my next door neighbor, and liked listening to her practice the piano. When she was eight, her mom died. I couldn't do much to comfort her, didn't really know how, so when she said she was gonna go over the mountain to find her mom, I joined the group. I tried to get her to turn back, like the other had done, but she wouldn't. So I was the only one who fell with her. I couldn't leave her alone to get help, so we were stuck 'til the adults found us. I got blamed for it, but I was willing to accept it 'cause I couldn't stop her from climbing the trail and I could see how scared he was at nearly losing his only daughter; the only family he had left. I had nightmares of her falling, just falling forever, for weeks after. But being blamed meant I had to stay away from TIfa and I didn't like it, but at least I could still see her at school and hear her practice her mother's piano. 'Course that got me in more fights, but the other kids got tired of it after awhile.

I wanted to get away from Nibelheim. Wanted to prove to everyone that I was something; wanted to make a difference somehow, to belong, be accepted, maybe even be a hero somehow. Hearing the reports of the Wutai War and the proclaimed heroics of ShinRa—I feel sick saying this now—inspired me. He inspired me. General Sephiroth. One of the youngest people to not only receive the rank of General, but be one of the three SOLDIER 1st Class. The elite of the elite. I followed his stories more than the other two because…. Heh, because I wishfully imagined he was like me and that I could be like him. Press about them was pretty controlled; what information was released and stuff. He stood out to me because he didn't have a last name. Alright, and the sliver hair. No family names listed. The others had family, but why didn't he? No father or mother who'd acknowledge him, or who were alive to see him. Yet he became the best there was. I respected that, looked up to him so much. He was my hero. There, I admitted it. Sephiroth was my hero. And it was because of him that I decided I wanted to join ShinRa to become a SOLDIER.

So, at thirteen, I left my mother, the only place I knew, and made a promise with a girl I could hardly talk to. Gaia, I was so nervous when I asked her to the water tower, and even more when she actually showed up. And then she asked me to rescue her if she was ever in a bind. Me. The one who couldn't even protect her from falling! The one who was always getting in fights. She asked me. I swore to myself that I would never let down her faith in me, and promised I would rescue her. Easy to make that promise.

Kids from all over would show up in Midgar, looking for a new life and a bright future. What they found was that Midgar was made of two cities, the Slums and the Plate, and the Plate wasn't for people with no money. I had to work odd jobs just to make enough to stay until I could take the entrance exam. Some suits, the Turks, asked if I'd be interested in joining them. Said my height and face would be perfect for the job, no one would ever suspect me. But I turned them down and told them I was going to become SOLDIER. They laughed and wished me luck as they left, saying I'd need it in there. I wonder if they knew what'd happened….

I finally took the exam and got into the ShinRa Infantry, the troopers. You had to start in the army if you wanted to try for SOLDIER. I worked hard in the basic training, harder than I had before, desperate to make it. First try, rejected. Never told why. Over the next months, I worked harder, trained more, and was sent on a mission with the Turks. Turned out I was actually pretty good with a sword, so I tried for SOLDIER again. No. Not eligible. I started to doubt myself. If I wanted to be melodramatic, I could say I started to despair.

It was a bit earlier that year when one of the 2nd Class SOLDIERs got promoted. I had seen him, but never talked with him before even though he sometimes practiced with the higher ranked troopers. He looked like a black chocobo, or a hedgehog, but fully deserved his nickname of "puppy". But when he came back from the front-lines in Wutai, he was more sober. Grew his hair out to look more like his mentor, Angeal, who was still missing in action. He seemed friendly, always trying to help and encourage the troops and SOLIDERS. He talked a lot about dreams and honor, like Angeal did, and I used to laugh at that stuff, but it inspired me to keep trying and not give up. I wonder how things would've turned out if I had.

I haven't mentioned Sephiroth much, but I was still following any news about him, and yes, I did sign up for some of the fan mail subscriptions. And tried to watch anytime he publicly practiced. I admit it, I was a stalker fanboy. But he was different too, when he came back. Even more withdrawn and, I guess, harsh. Colder. He didn't interact much with the other SOLDIERS, but having lost the other two 1st Class in the war must have hurt him. Hurt him bad. I know now what actually happened with Genesis and Angeal, thanks to finding old reports. And losing his two friends like that…. I-I can understand what he must have felt, like the world is ending but it doesn't and everything keeps trying to move on, but you're stuck remembering and wondering "why" and "if only". And everyone else expects you to just move on like nothing happened, and be normal, only it's too much to handle and you cant, so you freeze yourself and wear a mask so they think you're ok when you're still bleeding inside. But I didn't know what had happened back then, and just watched my hero close himself off from everyone. I sometimes wonder what would've happened if someone had talked with Sephiroth, like a counselor or something. Would he have still broken?

I went through each day by rote, until a few more months went by and I was ordered to go on a mission to Modeoheim. I was one of several infantrymen who were escorting Tseng and Zack Fair, the new SOLDIER 1st Class. As usual, I got sick on the flight and just curled up trying to sleep and forget that my stomach was trying to shove itself and the rest of my organs out of me. The helicopter crashed 'cause of enemy fire, and again I miraculously survived pretty undamaged while the person next to me didn't. Only this time instead of ending in a coma, the other ended up dead. I think his name was Jason.

All the survivors had to finish traveling to Modeohiem on foot, and given that it was snowing, well, the city folks weren't doing so great. I actually caught up with Zack, who, true to his chatty nature, started talking to me. Turns out he was a country boy too, from Gongaga. We chatted some about small town life, made fun of each other's hometown's name, and I realized that I actually sort of missed home. And that I had finally found someone I wanted to call a friend. I never was really close to anyone back home, and the same carried through to training at Midgar. I'd chat with some of the guys, work on projects together with them, but was never really friends. Never got close enough. Maybe I was scared to. 'Cause you gotta give and be willing to share in any friendship, and that means you can be hurt more easily. I talked more to Zack on that trip than I had in ages. And I was actually useful for once, showing the others how to navigate the snowy terrain and not freeze to death. Of course, once we were finally picked up, I reverted to my impression of a dying chocobo. Gaia, I hate flying. But Zack fortunately had some tranqs with him, we were all squished in the cargo bay this time, and he gave them to me. They helped a bit, which made me wonder why they weren't standard in the Trooper med-kits we had. Found out later that that type was made specifically for SOLDIERS, because of the whole fast metabolism thing.

When we finally got back to Midgar, I resigned myself to the boring trooper training. And not seeing the SOLDIER again. But a few days later, he showed up to work with us on knife combat. And then a few days after that, he came to demonstrate some basic sword fighting techniques. Zack kept joining the troopers for training periodically, especially when we were working with bladed weapons. He found out I had a knack for swordsmanship, which meant that on top of normal training, I got more grueling hours of trying not to get whacked with padded practice weapons. Being on the small side was a bit of a disadvantage at first, but I learned to compensate by being faster. And how to stagger to my wobbly feet after being smacked clear across the room. Zack held back as much as he could, but pretty much everyone in his training group always had impressive bruises afterward.

Things went on like this for a while, but as time passed, Zack gradually was given more responsibilities and mission with the other SOLDIERS, as Sephiroth separated himself from them more. I was sent on some missions and didn't totally screw up, sometimes working alone, most of the time with a partner, and sometimes even with Zack again. He had of course heard about my failures at getting into SOLDIER and encouraged me to try again, since I'd improved. He was like an older brother trying to help his awkward, less-skilled younger brother. And I was going to try. The date was set, but then that mission order was given. I was ordered to Nibelheim with Zack and Sephiroth.

The trip there is a blur, whether from me freaking out about returning home as just a Trooper, or from my memories getting messed up, I don't know. Or maybe it was just because I was airsick the whole time. Anyways, we got there somehow, even though there was some sort of problem with a Nibel dragon, I couldn't help at all with it, just watched. And then…I could go home. It'd been three years, and I felt like a stranger in my own hometown. It felt smaller than I remembered, and some things had changed, but it was mostly the same. I never took off my helmet until I was home, hiding out of shame. I got to taste my mom's stew again, and it was as good as I'd remembered. We talked whenever I could be at home at night during the days and weeks we were stationed there. She gave me advice, on girls and other things, and I told her some of what happened back in Midgar. Never that I had failed to make SOLDIER. I also never asked her about my father, who he was, what happened. Maybe I was scared to find out. Or I didn't want to see that hurt and worried look on her face again. I wish I had asked though. I wish I'd told her more how much she meant to me; how much I loved her. I remember when I said goodbye that last day, I tried to leave without kissing her, and she dragged me back from the door teasing me that I was getting too grown up for my own good. I chuckled embarrassedly and kissed her cheek before leaving. If I'd known what was going to happen…. But I didn't. No one did.

After the visit to the reactor, Sephiroth locked himself inside the old ShinRa mansion just outside the town. Zack had tried to get him to leave, but he wouldn't. After the trip to the reactor, the general had been acting strange, more so than usual, and Zack had no idea what to do. So, we set guards at the mansion gates and the rest of us would go monster hunting.

I was on hunting duty that last day, so after I left my house that morning, I headed out into the area near town, away from the mansion and the reactor. I realized something was wrong when I smelled smoke. I rushed back and ran into Zack before reaching the town. Nibelheim, my town, was burning. There were flames smoke everywhere, and the only sound I heard was the crackle as buildings burned. No sounds of people screaming and crying like you'd expect. I froze not believing what I saw, and Zack yelled at me to get people out of there before he ran into a burning house. I went into a house, the baker's, and…. They were all dead. Cut apart. Just…slaughtered. The next house was the same. And the one after that, and the one after that. All I could smell was smoke and blood and all I could think was "why?"

I hoped desperately that I was wrong, that this was all a nightmare, as I checked house after house and just found corpses. Corpses of people I knew, that I grew up with. I don't know how many times I threw up. I heard voices and ran to help, Zack had made it to some survivors and I joined in helping them. Tifa and her father weren't with them, and then I heard his voice.

I-I think I started breaking then. I saw him. Sephiroth. He was…laughing. Laughing as he slashed another of my townspeople apart. Do you know what that's like?! To see the person you respected, the one who inspired you, the person you wanted to be murdering your people in cold blood and laughing while destroying everything?! He used to be my hero!

He smiled at us and left, Zack ran after him and I followed. By the time I got to the reactor, both SOLDIERS were gone, and Mr. Lockheart was laying there dead, and Tifa was bleeding. She looked so pale and white and fragile there, with so much blood…. I-I snapped then. It felt like time stopped or I was moving faster; I saw everything crystal clear, processing things faster than I ever had. I charged in, grabbing Zack's sword and rushing at Sephiroth as he talked to the thing, calling it "mother." I attacked like a madman, no sane normal person would've tried attacking a SOLDIER 1st Class. Maybe he was distracted, or thought no one could possibly hurt him. But I, a lowly infantryman, did what no one thought to be possible; I wounded Sephiroth. Not that it did much good 'cause he skewered me like a bug the next moment. I don't even remember feeling pain, or maybe I was in too much pain to feel anything more; I just remember feeling rage and destruction. I wanted to rip him apart, destroy that perfect smile, hurt him as much as he hurt me, tear him from his pedestal. The clarity started to fade fast as I struggled towards him, the sword still in me, and maybe it was just a hallucination, or false memory, but I remember him looking…afraid. But Sephiroth? Afraid of a bleeding boy impaled on his sword? Impossible. Things get confusing after that, and he disappeared. Jumped into the reactor, or fell in somehow, after my feet touched the ground. I don't know. He was gone, and I was bleeding to death on the metal already sticky from Zack's blood, and whatever Jenova was stored in. Things turned hazy, and there were voices and lights, nothing made sense, and I was being moved. Where's Zack? I'm sure I passed out.

I thought that was a nightmare, Nibelhiem. But I was wrong. The real nightmare started after we were carted away. I don't remember things clearly. Don't want to remember. Too much pain; like fire and acid running in my body. Hot as Ifrit, or cold as Shiva. White lights, white walls, too bright, everything hurts. Metal sounds, cutting sounds, breaking sounds. What was breaking? My body or my mind? Constant haze of pain….

Everything eventually turned green after some time, I don't know how long. Probably from the mako. Never earned it. They just pumped me full of the stuff to see what would happen. Hojo, ShinRa's head madman, used us both as guinea pigs for his obsession with J-cells, and mako, and monsters. I've been told by smarter people that it seems I got at least three times more mako than a regular SOLDIER. 'Course I have been in the Lifestream twice so that could've contributed. But they still say it was a miracle I even survived. I should've died from the amount I got.

My mind was pretty much gone after all the green. I have no idea how long it took, or what made it go completely. We were there for over four years. Four damn years of living death. You know, sometimes I wonder if it would've been better if…. Well, finally Zack broke us out. The brains figure he never went catatonic like me because he already was SOLDIER, used to mako and everything. He somehow got us out of the hellhole lab and hauled me around for the next nine months. I…. I don't really remember anything until what'd probably be the last week or so. Zack talked a lot, I think mostly about Aerith, plans for the future, and knowing him, other random stuff. I can't even remember most of what he said, just…. Just feeling comfortable that he was there, talking to me, at me. The closest friend I had hauled my comatose ass around, and the only things I can clearly remember are what he said when we were in that truck and his last words to me. Some friend I am.

That last stand of his…. I…. That was one of the two worst things to happen in my messed up life. There's only one other time I've felt as useless. See, I was awake by then, fully awake. So I heard everything. Every word he spoke and yelled, every order the troopers got. Every explosion, every scream; breaking earth and breaking bones. Every Gaia damned bullet. I felt every time he used quake or gravity, felt the explosions, felt the sky grow dark and the rain turn everything to mud. And I could do nothing!. Not a damn thing! My friend was fighting Gaia knows how many trained troopers, and all I could do is flop like a useless worm. I heard the final shots...and the feet walking off, leaving me for dead. It was pouring rain…. He called me his living legacy, told me to take his dreams and honor. I broke again. My world had finally sort of put itself back together with all his talking, and then as it finally clicked back into place, it was shattered again. Crushed.

The next months passed in a numb blur. Having your friend die in front of you while basically going through severe drug withdrawal tends to make other things not seem important. Especially if you're having a full-blown mental breakdown and identity crisis from everything else. Somehow, I wound up with one pauldron turned into a wrist guard and spikes on my remaining one. And then while wandering around looking for another monster hunting job, I ran into Tifa. I thought it was her ghost at first. See, while most of the time I was ok and could think straight, sometimes reality would slip a bit and I'd hear or see things that weren't there. I think I may have scared off some potential clients with my "episodes" when I was doing odd mercenary jobs. I initially brushed Tifa off since talking to people who weren't there was a good way to alert potential thieves to a new, easy target, but then realized she actually was real. Mainly because another of the buzzing headaches attacked and I literally fell into her. She forcibly lugged me to her bar, 7th Heaven, refusing to let me crash at an inn like I had planned, saying it wasn't safe to wander the slums at night. I wanted to say that her outfit didn't look too safety conscious to me, and who'd be dumb enough to attack a guy carrying a sword as big as himself, but since gravity was acting funny, and my brain felt like it was being crushed I kept my mouth shut. I still don't know if she thought I was high or drunk at the time. Barrett wasn't too pleased to see me, a stranger wearing a gaiadamned SOLDIER uniform, draped all over Tifa. He objected. Loudly. Needless to say I wasn't too pleased about being yelled at right then, so we got off to a very rocky start. I met the rest of the motley crew later and was a jerk to them as well, laboring under the assumption that a SOLDIER would be all high and mighty. I could see that Tifa was confused by my actions, but I…didn't know how else to act. Acting like a coldhearted bastard protected me and I was so confused so much of the time that that was the only way I could function. I stayed there awhile, doing odd jobs, still claiming to be ex-SOLDIER, my mind getting clearer than it had for awhile, and then I found out they were the infamous AVALANCHE. I got myself hired, not one of my finest moments, and well the rest is sort of history. Painful history. Both physically and emotionally.

The physical part of pain is easy to deal with, you either pass out somehow, or you keep going until it fades. The second mission AVALANCHE did, blowing Reactor No.5, brought considerable pain. Partially from getting to know the other members better, and thereby getting more attached, but mainly because I fell off the Plate down into the Slums. If I had been a normal human, I'd've died for sure. When I was falling, I vaguely remembered something I'd been told sometime about a man falling into a church and meeting an angel. And then I saw a church. And saw the roof was getting too close too quickly. Smashing through a roof generally hurts, but if you just fell a good fifty meters first, well…. Needless to say, I was knocked silly for a bit, mako can only do so much to prevent a concussion. And that's how I met her officially, Aerith. Zack's girlfriend, though I didn't know it at the time. All the while she was chatting, I felt like I had met her before. He must've talked non-stop about her, because I "recognized" some of her quirks and mood changes that I as a stranger shouldn't have known…. And I knew other things, like she preferred her tea steeped a bit longer with a bit of honey. She must've recognized some of his quirks I picked up, and obviously his sword, because she always seemed…sort of skittish around me. Like she wanted to trust me, but was afraid to, yet didn't want me to know she was afraid. I can't blame her. Not at all. Heh, and her fears were well founded.

I mean…. She heard nothing from Zack for four years and he's listed as killed in action, but he finally picks up his phone, and then she hears absolutely nothing from or about him for months. Then while selling flowers, she suddenly sees a guy in SOLDIER 1st Class uniform carrying Zack's sword. No wonder she was crazy enough to not run like the other folk and sold me a flower. Then after that, the she meets the man again, the exact same way she met her boyfriend. Coincidence? If so, completely freaky as hell. And the guy seems to know nothing about Zack. Even though he says things only Zack said, and knows things only he should know. Which means he did know Zack at one point... So what happened? How'd he get the sword? Did Zack give it to him? Or…. Did he kill for it?

I inferred some of that well after the fact, some she told me as explanation for her behavior. She never apologized for making me wear that damn dress though. And I have a sneaking suspicion Tifa has a photo of me in it saved somewhere. It was strange. For awhile, I knew more about her than Tifa, just because of all the memories told to me and the way my mind had got messed up. But then I started remembering more of our childhood, things Tifa liked and didn't like. Which may have come off a bit stalkerish.

But I don't have all good memories of Aerith. There are some I'd love to forget. Especially what I did to her…. I can still remember, too clearly, the expression on her face in the Temple. Sure I was going crazy, with Sephiroth and Jenova screwing with my head again, but to attack her like that?! I feel sick when I remember it. If it weren't for my gaiadamned pride, I'd have told the others that my mind was breaking; that half the time I couldn't remember who or what I was. They knew something was wrong with me, they'd've had to be blind and deaf not to. But they trusted me, and trusted Tifa. I had forced Tifa not to tell anyone; I think I scared her back then. I know she was terrified of me when I…. I can still hear her shrieking at me to stop, everyone yelling, and I could see what I was doing, hear every sound my blows made, but I couldn't stop myself. If Tifa hadn't jumped down there and kicked me off…. I…. Dammit. I probably would've beaten Aerith to death.

After hearing that, are you still going to call me a hero? Mentally unstable, having hallucinations that made me betray my friends, attacking a woman I was supposed to protect?! I was supposed to be a leader. And I failed badly so many times. Betrayed their trust. So many stupid choices.

If I had told everyone, "Hey, by the way, I sometimes have hallucinations and weird voices talk to me, plus I only have about half my memories, and may have stolen someone else's identity", would they have followed me? No. Barret would've thrown me out on my ear immediately. And with good reasons. It just wouldn't make sense to trust someone like that. But if they had known sooner…. Maybe things would've turned out better. Maybe she wouldn't be dead. See, if I hadn't attacked her, she probably wouldn't've run off. And if she hadn't run off, we all would've been together the whole time at the Forgotten City. Which means, we all could've protected her from him.

That night right after I hurt her, I had a dream and tried to apologize to her, Gaia, I tried to run after her to stop her, but she just smiled and said she forgave me, but that she had to do this alone. It was such a sad smile. I still don't know which was worse, her terrified expression or that smile. And I don't know if it really happened or if it was just a dream. Sure enough, in the morning she was gone. And I had to face everyone. As usual, I could sense where Sephiroth was, 'though now everyone left wasn't sure if that was such a good thing anymore. Being mentally connected to the madman trying to destroy the world, who could obviously manipulate me, yeah, "not a good thing" became the understatement of the year. I told everyone if I started going weird again to take me out. To do whatever they needed to keep me from hurting anyone else. Even if they'd have to use a Phoenix Down on me afterwards.

The trip over to the Forgotten City was stressful. My already bad relations with the rest slowly got worse as I kept having more and more headaches and sometimes nearly blacking out from the buzzing. Tifa was the only one who would stay near me, the others kept their distance. She was worried for me, always was this whole time. I just never knew how to respond so I acted like I ignored it. She was the glue that held us together when I broke everything. She hid it well, but I could tell she was afraid still. Afraid of me, for the others, or for what Sephiroth would do or make me do, I really didn't know. I still don't. But the last one's the one that happened.

We reached the Ancient's city finally. After wandering, we found Aerith praying in a dome, and I went crazy again. That bastard tried to use me to kill her. He knew that would break me completely; I could hear him laughing in my head. I fought back, not again. I wouldn't hurt her again. So he killed her in front of me. When I couldn't do anything but watch, my mind began breaking again. Her burial and everything after seemed unreal; the constant buzzing and voices and memories kept making me lose touch with reality. And the guilt.

I was supposed to be a hero. Heroes protect people. And I? I failed completely. I couldn't protect anyone. Not friends, not the woman who hired me as a bodyguard for Gaia's sake. I practically killed her twice! And I could do nothing to stop him. I hate being helpless, more than anything. To not be able to protect or help someone or fix something, especially when I've made a promise…. It just kills me.

More traveling, this time to the far north. When we finally got our hands on the Black Materia, I refused to take it. I didn't even trust myself not to hand it to him again. And then the nightmare from Nibelheim returned. You'd think by this time I was already screwed up enough, but no, clearly my mind could be broken even more, and Sephiroth did a damn good job of it too. And proved to everyone present how untrustworthy my memory was; how everything I claimed to be, my identity, was a lie. I was a lie. It was the last straw, and I broke completely. Oh, and i gave the madman the Black Materia. Make that the madman with a god-complex, since by then I was just as insane.

The crater collapsed after that, and I landed in the Lifestream. Pure, unfiltered mako. And other nightmares I hadn't remembered resurfaced. Pain and green and voices and trapped, no escape, and anguish. I got mako poisoning again. Only this was about ten times worse. Everything went green and I fragmented. Past and present, what I knew, what I remembered, voices from the mako, from Jenova, it all shattered. I had no idea who or what I was anymore. There's no real concept of time in the Lifestream, especially if you're basically dissolved in it. I'm told I was found clear over at Mideel and was hospitalized there. Don't remember it. And I was either calmly catatonic or raving nonsense at first, 'though near the end I was closer to comatose. Cost them a month's supply of tranqs during my week stay.

While the "fearless leader" was enjoying a peaceful stay in a mental institution, the rest of AVALANCHE under Cid's command was trying to stay alive and out of Shinra's hands while stopping the WEAPONS flying around and find Sephiroth. Tifa chose to stay with me, hoping to restore my mind. If it weren't for her, I'm sure I'd be dead. And everyone else in the planet. She still believed in me; enough that she wouldn't leave even when the WEAPON came and she fell with me into the Lifestream. I think Aerith must have protected us in it, since Tifa didn't get sick. She put my mind back together, Tifa did. She helped fix me, find myself, and not run away from who I really was. She only saw what she knew, and for that I'm thankful. I wouldn't want her to see everything that I've remembered. Even though I failed, she stayed with me. She's the real hero. It would've been easier for her to just leave, but she didn't. And Aerith, she's even more a hero, because she is the one who truly saved the planet.

My part of "rescuing the world" was stopping Sephiroth, because I was the only one strong enough to kill him. Or stupid enough to try killing a pseudo-god who could wipe a person out with a sneeze. Common sense? What's that? But again, I wouldn't have made it that far without everyone else supporting me, helping me. I stabbed Sephiroth and he vanished, spouting more nonsense and hooray, the world is saved. But at what cost?

Sure you can blame a lot of the destruction on ShinRa, hell, they started the whole mess with their experiments. But we, AVALANCE, sure destroyed a lot as well. We caused as much bloodshed. I killed as many people as a Turk. Thousands of people died on the plate and slums because of us. And I killed Gaia knows how many of ShinRa's people when breaking into the headquarters, and even more when helping Fort Condor. I have so much blood on my hands. And most of it, well, could I really call them the enemy? Yes, they worked for ShinRa, but so had I, and if they attacked, they were only following the orders and lies ShinRa fed everyone. And I killed them to save the rest of the world. They had families, a lot of them. Others may have even been people I trained with back in my trooper days. Who's to say their lives had less value than the ones who are living now?

I keep going over everything, trying to see if there were any other options along the way, so things would've turned out different. The problem is everything snowballed, "there ain't no gettin' off this train," and I'm too stubborn for my own good too much of the time. If just one thing had gone different, maybe I wouldn't've had to do what I did. Maybe I wouldn't have failed Aerith. Failed Zack. I'm supposed to be his living legacy, and I ended up helping destroy a lot of the world. Way to break it "hero". I don't deserve that title. Zack rarely used the edge of his sword. I…think his last fight was one of the few times. He stained his blade to protect. Me? I always use the edge. Dunno what that says about me. I don't want to know, to be honest. I probably stained his blade with more blood in the months I used it than he ever did. I'm not using it anymore.

After Meteor was stopped, the world had to be put back together. The World Regenesis Organization got started to help rebuild everything and act as a peacekeeping force, with ShinRa supposedly backing them. I'm not that good with building stuff, or dealing with people, but I am good at killing monsters, so I turned into an errand boy, making deliveries all across the mainland. Even to the Western continent, which unfortunately involves hitching a ride with the Cid, the WRO air fleet, or the remaining Turks. If I wasn't doing that, I'd help Tifa with her new 7th Heaven, cleaning up, acting as bouncer, or lugging cases of beer around. And keeping an eye on Marlene. We've all gone our separate ways, Barret's off looking for something besides coal or mako for energy, that's why Marlene's staying at 7th heaven again as part of our family. So, it seemed like everything was finally great. Until the sickness started.

It's called Geostigma. No one's sure what causes it, at least the general public doesn't. There's no cure. It affects anyone; children or adults, no one can escape. Thousands are sick all over the planet, 'though there's a higher concentration around where Midgar was. A lot of what I've been delivering are medical supplies. Kids are worse off because there are so many orphans and not enough people willing to take them in, since they think geostigma's contagious. It's not, because if it were, everyone would'v had it by now. I brought a kid home a few months ago, Denzel. He's a bit older than Marlene, but she helps take care of him when the stigma hurts the most. Found him at Aerith's church collapsed from a stigma attack and he didn't have anyplace to stay or family…. They died in Sector 7. I've done what I can for him. I swore I'd never go near another doctor or scientist, yet I keep researching on my own and badgering them for anything that can help. I've read more books than I want to, and know more scientific jargon than I should ever need. And they still know nothing about how to cure it. But….

After Sephiroth died in the crater, the buzzing in my head and all the voices finally stopped. It was a relief to not feel him anymore, not feel the twistedness of Jenova. I was finally free. But once the stigma began, I could feel something again. It wasn't too strong at first, and I hoped I was just being paranoid, or even delusional again. Like maybe I'd been so long with the buzzing that I was subconsciously missing it, or some such nonsense. Only as more and more cases happened, the feeling grew; a buzzing in the back of my mind, constant and oppressive. Then I got Geostigma, apparently even mako can't stop it. And as the buzzing grew worse, nightmares of Sephiroth and being manipulated came back. I…started avoiding people again. Started not answering calls, not even from Tifa. Long deliveries were the perfect excuse to not be around the people I care about. Because I was starting to get scared. I didn't want something to happen by accident when I was trapped in a flashback and reacted to someone. The nightmares got even worse and then it wasn't just nightmares. I'd get flashes whenever the stigma would spasm…. The final straw came during one in the bathroom at 7th Heaven. I'd been hiding my Geostigma from Tifa all this time, and was thinking of maybe telling her. But…then I saw my eyes in the mirror and completely panicked. My eyes were like Sephiroth's. Green and slitted like a reptile. I grabbed my bag and fled. But I couldn't outrun my terror and the sick guilt that clawed at me. What if he wasn't dead?!

Everyone thought he was dead the first time I stabbed him and he went into the reactor. But as he proved, and I've proved, falling into the Lifestream doesn't necessarily mean you stay dead or even die. If Sephiroth and Jenova are coming back…. I'm scared I'll become their puppet again. I know I broke free finally, but I…I don't want to risk it! I can't hurt my family or my friends again. I can't lose anyone else. I can't take it anymore. And if they are coming back and I'm not just insane and hallucinating again, then I have failed completely. All the fighting, all the blood, sweat, and tears, all the sacrifices, all the deaths would mean nothing! NOTHING!

I'm not a hero. I'm not a SOLDIER. Never was. I can't protect my friends. I can't even make sure one man stays dead. I'm a failure. It's all breaking apart again. Why. Why is this happening? I can't do this anymore. I wish I could stop feeling, stop caring. It'd be easier. But I can't. And there's nothing I can do to fix this. Fix the Geostigma. I don't even know how to fix myself, how can I fix the world? I'm not fit to help anyone. Not my family. Not my friends. Nobody.

Author Note:

The very last four sentences are, of course, a quotation from Advent Children, and the earlier "Easy to make that promise," as well.

I also have a tumblr where I post random status/progress updates for my stories, as well as the stories themselves. It is simply: aReadingHeart dot tumblr dot com. I'd be more than happy to answer questions/comments regarding my stories there or here. Thank you for reading!