Had feels, wrote this. Tumblr was down alright? I needed something to do.

All of Tony's life had been dictated for him. Being born into fame isn't the easiest life and until he was sixteen he had people leaning over his shoulder, whispering in his ear what to do, how to look, what to say and it was exhausting. Every minute of every day would be a charade that he would have to participate in unless he wanted the media to shred him - he'd learnt when he was eight years old that playing along was by far the better option.

Then he turned sixteen and at first he thought that it was better. He had breathing room for the first time in his life and he could actually make his own decisions for once - it was like Christmas every day of the year.

It wasn't until a few years later that he understood the voices in his ear hadn't left, they'd simply changed their words; no longer commanding, just convincing. Manipulating. Once he understood that, it was hard to see friends in the people he'd known all his life and he drew into himself.

He'd made his own name by the time he hit adulthood and yet he still couldn't find his place in this world that hissed and murmured in the dark corners like vipers. He had Pepper and Rhodey. He had Obadiah. And he told himself that that was enough.

But it wasn't and every cell within him knew it - life was meant for living but all he could do was force a smile and pretend for the sake of everyone else. It was maddening but he did it because he didn't have a choice.

Then Afghanistan happened and he lost Obie and it turned out he had been just another poisonous voice, trying to corrupt and change him, morph him into who he thought he should be. Sometimes he was so heartbroken over the betrayal he would just retreat into his lab for a few days, surrounding himself with cold, dead machines that he didn't have to pretend for. His lab became his sanctuary, the one place in all the world he could do as he pleased and no one was there to judge him for it.

Joining the Avengers hadn't really been a choice. Sure, he would have fought Loki even if he was ordered against it but given his way he probably would have gone on his own (he would almost certainly have died but it would have at least been his decision) and not been manipulated into this 'team' that didn't want him there. It left him wondering just who had called him in on the project. It damn sure wasn't Rogers or Romanoff - they both hated his guts no doubt - and Thor and Barton didn't even know who he was. Bruce might have argued in his favour but it wasn't like he was calling the shots at S.H.I.E.L.D. And Fury... well, he was convinced of his cause at least. He could tolerate the billionaire if it meant getting the job done but he wasn't about to be offering a friendship.

And so there they all were in the middle of a warzone that had been New York city only a short while ago and Tony couldn't help but think that his whole life up until this point had been one big lie. An act. And in the end it was all in vain because all he ever did was try and keep the people happy and yet when all was said and done, what did he have to show for it. He'd lost Obie and Rhodey was hardly on 'best friend' standing right now - too much had gone between them for it to all be written off completely. He had Pepper. She meant everything to him and it was lucky because she was everything. There wasn't anyone else there to catch him if he fell.

And Tony always fell far and hit the ground hard.

That was why he had grabbed that nuke and held on for all he was worth. His life had just been one big play and maybe it was time for the ending credits but that didn't matter because he was making a choice. He was taking his life into his own hands, damn the consequences and the world could judge all it wanted to, he was done being controlled.

The missile was a beginning as much as it was his ending. He was going to die. And he was going to live for the first time in his life.

I don't even know with this. Take what you will from it.