Grabbing our Future, Ch 1

Two months…two months of diapers and drool….two months of explanations, excuses, stress, and exhaustion. Of course, if I were to be honest, it had also been two months of love. I can't believe I feel so much love. I don't think I've ever loved my mother more. She has taken what most people would find impossible to get through and somehow radiated with love and compassion for a small child with unclear ties to her. I don't know that she really wanted to know the truth of the boy's paternity. Tommy didn't. We all agreed to wait a while to get DNA results. This boy was a Rizzoli whoever his father was. He was family.

Oh and did I love that little boy. I fought it, I really did. I didn't want to be big sister, favorite aunt, surrogate mother, or anything else. But after a few hours of holding him, caring for him, and watching him, I was lost. I will do anything to make him happy… to make him safe…to make him sure of his place in the world and of the love that is his. Jackson Michael Rizzoli. Jackson. The little light given to this family by no one's design or plan but that of a higher providence. He was growing so fast. The first time he turned when he heard my voice….I thought I would melt. He turned to me! He wanted to find me! Then it was his first smile…I am really starting to understand love.

Through everything since the night Jackson joined us there was one constant in my life. Well, to be honest, there has been one constant in my life for five years….Maura. My best, my worst, my dumbest, my bravest, my weakest, and my happiest moments have all been shared with her. Now this journey with Jackson was shared with her as well. She was a wonderful mother; she was nothing less than Jackson's mother, no one argued or doubted that. Lydia may have nourished that boy for 40 weeks and given him chromosomes, but Maura Isles is his mother. She always will be. I will do whatever I have to do to make certain of that.

"I love him so much, Jane. But I'm not family…when you all decide what to do, where does that leave me?" Maura said tearfully one night as we lay in bed. We shared a bed from the first night Jackson was there. Although we had done so many, many nights before these days it felt different. We sounded like a married couple. "How was your day?" "Jackson's getting so big." "We need to go to the store tomorrow." "Maybe we can go to the park this weekend?" The conversations had always been intimate between us, but nothing like this. I rolled into Maura's side and held her to me, stroking her hair for a measure of comfort. "Maura. You are a Rizzoli, and you are Jackson's mother. Period."

I had told her this before, but after two months we were so tired and so emotional at times. This was one of Maura's times. "Jane, I am NOT a Rizzoli despite how much I would love to be. I want to be Jackson's mother, but I am NOT. You all agreed to do DNA at three months, well that is rapidly approaching! What happens when we know the paternity? You'll still be Aunt Jane or Big Sister Jane…I'm….I'm nothing to Jackson." The last words came out as a broken whisper mixed with quiet tears.

I jerked up and just looked at her. I saw the things I've seen for years…beautiful eyes, beautiful soul, and love…it was now or never for me. A life I never allowed myself to consider was within my grasp, if I could find the bravery to grab it. With shaking hands, I pulled Maura upright and pushed her to sit up against the headboard. I took first one hand then the other to my mouth for a soft, tender kiss. "Maura, you are everything to Jackson. You are the daughter my mother really never had, and a sister to Tommy and Frankie. And..." I broke for a moment with emotion I was fighting to control "you are my life, Maura. I'm too tired to pretend that you aren't anymore. I tired of being happy with you but hurting every minute by being with you while holding my heart back. "

Maura continued to cry while I held her hands and spoke. She went through a gambit of emotions. She showed exhaustion, fear, happiness, sadness, bitterness, and now confusion…and perhaps, hope? Love? "Jane, I don't understand. I'm too tired to think right now; I'm sorry I broke down. You don't have to…" I let loose her hands and put my shaking, scarred ones to her face. She stopped talking and looked deeply into my eyes. Tears shown to us both in the other's gazes. I stroked her cheeks, wiping at her tears. I leaned slightly forward coming closer to her, smelling her and I swear I could hear her heartbeat. As I approached, she raised her hands to frame my face. My only thought as I continued toward her…finally.

"Finally…" whispered from Maura as our lips touched. Just a tender kiss. Just an expression of love shared. Once. Twice. Three times our lips met.

I pulled back still holding her face and looked into her eyes. What had I done? Did I just lose my best friend? Or did I just gain something greater than I could have hoped for? Slowly a smile began to break across Maura's face and a light began to show in her eyes that I've never seen…and I thought I'd seen every emotion she possessed. I couldn't have contained my smile and enthusiasm, if I had wanted to. I leaned back in and kissed her again this time sliding my hands into her hair and holding her while I took a little more time to thoroughly explore her lips. After a few moments, I licked across her lips and was instantly granted access to her mouth. I took the invitation. Maura. I had no other thoughts…just Maura.

When I pulled back, I cried, smiled, giggled, and said, "I love you, Maur. I am completely in love with you and have been for a long time."

I was answered with similar expressions, and "Jane…oh God, Jane…I've loved you through everything. You complete me in a way I never expected. Oh…I cannot believe I'm not dreaming here! I've imagined loving you openly before, but I never truly believed it would happen." She reached up and kissed me with a passion I've never experienced…she kissed me with love. "I love you, Jane."

After a tender time of gentle kisses and words of love and hope…we held each other as we slept. And we waited for Jackson…our son…to awake.