I OWN NOTHING! All credit for characters goes to the creator of Hetalia and the basic plot to C.S. Lewis. This is a fan-made parody made for entertainment only.

"So, what is a wardrobe anyways?" Alfred asked offhandedly to the Brit who was currently hosting the young man before glancing distastefully at a suit of armor adorning the hallway. Arthur rolled his eyes before responding to the American.

"I thought you said you would look to see if you wanted it? Why would you look at something if you didn't even know what it is? I should retract the offer just because of that." As much as he sounded like it, Arthur needed to get rid of the thing. And if this dumb American would take it then he would give it to him gladly(On the inside of course. Outwardly he would act as if he was the one doing Alfred the favor). He continued walking down the hallway on the long red rug that covered the floor. Asides from looking like it came directly from a romantic book set in medieval times, the whole house was pleasant. Decorated with paintings, cleaned spectacularly, and with the occasional knight's armor placed about, it indeed looked like an old house that had survived at least a century. The stone flooring on the bottom floor and old wooden flooring on the second and third floor just added to the effect, as well as the torches that still lit the basement. Faded but beautiful wallpaper covered the upper floor's, as well as the ballroom's, walls and medieval-style weapons adorned them as well. The dark wooden doors on the side of him were well-polished and he thanked the maid silently for making the place look presentable for his guests. 'Eight, nine, ten' He thought to himself, coming to a stop in front of the tenth door on the left before realizing said guests were not behind him. He jumped when he heard the metallic clang from down the hall and immediately knew what had happened. Arthur turned to his side and started walking towards the duel whose clanging of repeated strikes still filled the hall. "Stop that at once! Alfred, Gilbert, I expected more of you! Waltzing into someone's home and taking down the centuries-old decor to fight with it, what are you thinking you idiots!? Not only are you using them without permission, but Alfred What the hell do you think you are doing? At least Gilbert seems to have some experience with a sword. You look like and idiot flailing it around like that." With that he reached the two, who had stopped their duel a second ago, and roughly took the sword from the blond.

"Jeese-Louise Iggy, we were just having fun. I prefer guns anyways. Take a chill-pill will ya?" The American immediately realized his mistake as the infuriated, and not to mention armed, Brit turned back to him.

"FOR THE LAST TIME DO NOT CALL ME BY THAT NAME! MY NAME IS ARTHUR AND IF YOU EVEN WANT TO LOOK AT THAT FUCKING WARDROBE, LET ALONE TAKE IT, YOU WILL NOT CAUSE ANY MORE TROUBLE! And anyways," He said, turning to Gilbert who looked slightly phased but didn't flinch. "Why are you here? I don't recall inviting you." The Prussian shrugged and muttered something along the lines of "Got bored and the beer ran out."

"Dude, you look ready to go stab some babies. I'll behave if it really matters that much. Besides, heros shouldn't piss-off the weak, we only protect them!" Alfred, of course.

"I am not weak. And we best hurry, I want you both out before that hail storm hits. Woe is me if you get trapped here for the night." He glared at the two of them before returning to the door, this time making sure both were behind him. "Now then..." he murmured before opening the door slowly and leading the two into the room. Compared to the rest of the house the room was bare. A single window lit it, winter sunlight filtered through clouds was streaming in from the back of the room illuminating the bare oak floor and dull green wallpaper. As the three filtered in they saw a large red-stained wooden wardrobe against the right wall. As they walked closer the two guests noticed intricate carvings all around the corners bordering the door and frame. It was truly a work of art and the smooth craftsmanship made the unicorns, fairies, dryads, and elfs weaved into one another as if they were all connected.

"Dude, it's like human centipede, they go together so well! Except less gross and more smoother, but they look connected!" It that's a better description for you.

"Yes, It's quite the work of art, now do you want it?" Arthur was getting impatient as he heard the first few thunks that signaled the start of the hail storm.

"I. d. k. What do you do with it?" Alfred asked, using the texting abbreviation as if he said it regularly.

"You put clothes in it you git, Look, there are bikinis and swim shorts already in there now." Arthur stepped forward and opened the door to the wardrobe, revealing a smug-looking Francis wearing one of the bikinis and striking a very...interesting pose.

"Arthur! I'm so glad you decided to join me! Come in now, there's enough room for two and their activities." The extremely creepy Frenchman cooed seductively before having the door slammed on him.

"Shit, one of you two go downstairs and ask the maid for the wardrobe key, the other help hold this shut. NOW!" The brit yelled, leaning with all his might to keep the now laughing perv in the wardrobe. Joined by America the two held the door shut while Gilbert raced down the hall and down two floors to the first level, quite literally running into one of the maids. Sprawled on top of her he stared into her eyes for just a second before pushing himself off with a hasty "Sorry." The lady got up off the floor using his extended hand and dusted herself off.

"It's all right, but may I ask why you were running? " The stunned maid replied

"I'm sorry Miss...Hungarian lady? But we need the key to the wardrobe RIGHT NOW or the lame American or Briton may get raped. I'm awesome though so my pal wouldn't touch me."

"My name is Elizabeta, and yes, I'm from Hungary. Now, who will rape who?"

"My buddy Francis'll rape Arthur and Alfred. My awesome self doesn't support rape though so we should hurry."

"Of course, Roderich has the key. Roderich!" She yelled into the kitchen she had just emerged from. A professional-looking man with glasses and dark hair emerged from the room looking frustrated and speaking with a strong Austrian accent.

"Ja, what do you want? Make it quick, I think I lit the turkey on fire somehow..."

"What? How do you light a turkey on fire? I know you've hardly ever cooked before, but what did you do? Take a match to it?" The outraged maid demanded while the Prussian laughed hysterically.

"No!" The Austrian answered a bit too quickly.

Elizabeta was at her wits end. "Just give me your keys and grab a fire hydrant! You pull the pin, aim, and squeeze the handle!" she yelled, Roderich blinked at her and began to pull his key ring from his belt as casually as if it nothing was burning in the kitchen or people's ability to say they've never been raped wasn't on the line. Finally he handed her the keys and started looking around for a fire extinguisher. After finding the right key she shoved it in the Prussian's hand and ran off to show the obviously untrained butler where the extinguisher was. Gilbert stared after her for a minute before remembering the urgency of the situation. He bolted upstairs to the room where he found the wardrobe lying on the floor face-down with the two others sitting on top of it ignoring the indignant complaints coming from within.

"Took you long enough! We had to put it on it's face to keep that frog inside!" Arthur said indignantly. "Now the wood will be scratched."

"So-rry," Gilbert grinned, voice soaked with sarcasm. "Here." He tossed the key to the brit and leaned against the doorframe. "What's up with the butler anyways? He is so un-awesome. He's burning down your kitchen down as we speak."

"Roderich? He crashed into me in front of a piano store. Apparently he was looking at the pianos and not the road and hit me head on, I was on the correct side of the road and he swerved when he saw a sale sign. Apparently he lacks insurance so I made a deal that if he served me for a time we wouldn't need to get lawyers and such involved. He agreed to act as an assistant to my maid until I can fully staff this place. Anyways, apparently he's a Nobel and doesn't know anything about cooking, cleaning, or the like. He and Elizabeta knew each other before she became my maid and came to live here, so they can get along well. I think they may have been together as some point by the way they act sometimes though. They know how to deal and work with each other perfectly but tolerate the other at most." The brit gave a resigned sigh. "At any rate, It looks like you two are spending the night." He said gesturing to the impressive baseball-size hail coming hard and fast outside the window, then knocking on the wood to get the still-whining Frenchman's attention. "That goes for you too, frog. I can keep you in there all night if I have to, so if you want me to make it more comfortable for you I suggest you stop that perverted nonsense." Arthur said.

"Ohonhonhon. You will make it more comfortable for me? And just how comfortable are we going to get Mon Cher?" Came the muffled reply.

"I mean it frog! I will feel absolutely no guilt for keeping you in here the whole night." The blond warned seriously, furrowing his insanely thick eyebrows.

A second's pause, then. "...Fine, you win. I will stop tempting the irresistible urges you have to make love with me...For tonight at least."

Hey guys! My (the author's) turn! Kudos to those who get the Seinfeld reference. I plan to make this kinda-sorta-maybe based on The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe by that one guy...C. S. Lewis! Took me a second... Anyways I hope you can forgive spelling errors, my keyboard is sticky. I plan to put one or maybe two more characters in so yeah! The only foreseeable pairings that may come into effect is maybe Prussia and Hungary or her and Austria. And a very slight possibility of Italy and Holy Rome. But I suck at romance so I'll see how I feel in a few chapters. Oh, and one sided Francexpretty-much-everyone-he-comes-into-contact-with. we can all go on with our lives now and I can get some sleep. Good night dear readers, a thousand times goodnight! Should we part with a passionate...I'm gonna stop quoting Grell Sutcliffe now before I scare ya'all away. Ta-ta for now!

P.S. Check out the third party presidential debates! You can find them on Free&Equal's website. Just Google it, it's the first hit.