Ok…

So, this is not an update- it's really just a long apology, or an explanation, or justification…I don't know, however you want to label it.

So I know I promised to update my stories at a fairly regular pace and clearly have not lived up to that notion.

Well I have a reasoning. This is extremely hard to admit and honestly it's almost midnight and I'm tired and I'm not sure why I'm writing this or if I'll regret it tomorrow but I would like to give you all a (very very brief) account as to why I have not been delivering and thus a settlement for what I shall say later on in this A/N.

I, myself, have been suffering with Anorexia Nervosa, Body Dysmorphia and Depression for uncounted number of years now. However despite having this in me for the total of my life it's only something that has come to light in the last year/18 months or so with the people connected to me. It has been all consuming for many years now especially within these last months and as you can imagine (and as I'm sure some of you can also relate) it is a devil that can harshly take over the entirety of your thoughts as it had with me.

Now I am in recovery staging and have been for about 4 months now but all of my actions, thoughts, energy and consequently time are invested in my disorders. Now relating this back to my fics, obviously that is my 'excuse' as for why I have no opportunity to write and update, especially with this fic as quite clearly, it is a little to close at home for comfort and is extremely difficult to write.

I thought when I started this fic that I had made it as disconnected from myself as possible and let me make it clear that I was trying to channel my own crossing with an ED into this story but my own personal experience is not at all like this story; it is completely different. Unfortunately it is still too overwhelming to write about. Also, when I started writing/publishing fanfic originally, I was still essentially 'hidden' with my secret of Anorexia and Depression and so thought I could handle the load and the demand of writing but things surrounding my problems quickly escalated within the next months and I apologise for not keeping up with updating.

Now I do not want to be a writer (I leave that to my talented friend), my dream and sole goal in life is to become a performer in screen and stage. Music saved me. Dance and drama saved me. However I do love writing and do write screenplays which I am deadly serious about perusing. I tell you this because I want you all to know that I am not abandoning my fics so if by some miracle you decide to stick around, well, I'm not leaving this account!

However this leads me onto the other news I have with this fic. I have got an uncompleted chapter 8 in progress, however obviously that 'progress' has been about 5 months long which for those of you good at maths can work out that, that would mean just before I started recovery and it's fair to say that most people are at their lowest point in their disorders just before recovery which is why I have been so quiet.

What I am trying to say is that I do want to 'finish' this fic in some respects but as for now I have not decided how and wanted to witness your opinion on where I should go from here. I don't know whether to take down this fic, to take it down and perhaps remodel it, to scrap it and do a more raw interpretation of the situation, to keep ploughing away at the chapters until I can get it to a fair end even if it's not the end I originally planned or what…? One this is certain though and that is that I have changed so much as a writer and expressing such emotions in the last few months that I am not at all happy with this fic and do not feel as if I have done it justice at all. To be fair to you all this A/N is completely pointless in my eyes. I shan't wish to burden you all and the last thing I wish to do is seem like I am seeking attention from all this but strangely out of all the people in my life there are only a few close friends and you that I felt I needed to tell. I highly doubt anyone is reading this story or that anyone should care if I do take it down but to be a fair explanation to you all, I created this as a warning that this fic could be disappearing indefinitely.

I'm sorry for causing you all hassle if you got the email saying there was an update only to be greeted by this and I hope you can forgive me.

Thank you.

DEC-OSM