Chapter Twenty-eight.

…

Shizune burst into the Hokage's tent as Tsunade had her head tilted back, draining a bottle of sake. Surprised, Tsunade shot forward spraying out alcohol all over her assistant and the pig she held in her arms.

"Buuu Buuuuu." Tonton squealed in protest.

"Tsunade-sama, now is not the time to be drinking." Shizune said disapprovingly. "The Kazekage and the Mizukage have arrived."

"Well show them in." Tsunade said. She bowed in welcome as the two red-heads entered her tent.

"Tsunade-hime, it's a pleasure to see you again." Mei smiled warmly. "I am so grateful that you'll be helping us rescue Tobi and Temari from the Akatsuki."

"Tobi is one of the Akatsuki and it was him who kidnapped my sister." Gaara pointed out.

Mei chose to ignore his comment. "Isn't it great that three Kages are united in common cause?"

"Ah..." Shizune began hesitatingly. "I don't think it's wise to attempt to 'rescue' this Tobi person. We don't want to anger the Akatsuki, a battle with them would prove disastrous."

Mei scowled at the unassuming woman. "This is a meeting of Kage. You shouldn't be here."

"But..."

"Tsunade-hime, you should replace this assistant of yours. She reeks of sake."

Shizune opened her mouth to protest but the young Kazekage interrupted before she could speak.

"Do you have any intel to share with us?" he asked.

Tsunade chewed her nails worriedly. "Shizune, has Sai returned from his scouting mission yet?"

The brunette shook her head sadly. "I'm afraid he may have been captured or killed."

Gaara placed a hand over his left eye. "Leave the information gathering to me." A small trickle of sand floated out of his gourd and formed into the shape of an eyeball before zooming out of the tent. "It may take a while to reach the enemies position."

The Sand army were told to relax for a an hour or so. Kankuro sat down, folding his artificial legs beneath him. When he had time he'd construct himself some armour-plated legs, strong enough to withstand a blow from Samehada. Until then, he hoped he wouldn't come across the leg-severing swordsman.

He watched as two huge dogs ran through the encampment, a red one being chased by a white one. He was fed up with eating field rations and thought stir-fried dog with rice sounded good. Hopefully these were strays and not some of the Leaf's nin-dogs. He quickly scrambled to his feet as they approached but was immediately knocked down again as someone barrelled into him.

"I'm sorry!" Kiba shouted in apology. He helped Kankuro up. "Hey, it's you!"

"You're that Leaf kid who's ass I saved a few years back." Kankuro smirked. "Akamaru, right?"

"That's my dog's name, I'm Kiba Inuzuka."

Akamaru sprinted past only to come to a sudden halt as his four legs were pulled out from beneath him. He yelped piteously as chakra strings dragged him backwards across the ground.

"So this is Akamaru."

"Let him go!" Kiba demanded angrily.

"Sure thing." Kankuro detached his chakra strings from the huge white dog. "Is that other one yours too?"

"Nope. We only just saw him, isn't he one of the Sand's dogs?"

"There aren't any pet dogs in Suna."

"What? Why not?" Kiba asked incredulously.

"There just isn't." Kankuro shrugged. "Although you might find some on the menu."

Akamaru let out a scared whimper.

"Don't tell sick jokes like that!" Kiba knelt down and hugged his best friend.

Akamaru continued to whine uneasily even after the puppeteer had left.

"Why don't you transform into a human, then you won't have to worry about any Sand-nin trying to eat you for dinner." Kiba suggested.

Kankuro had lost sight of the russet hound but he eventually found it. A Leaf-girl was clinging to it, her face buried in its red fur. She was wearing a robe but protruding from the hood were locks of bubblegum pink hair which unmistakeably belonged to Sakura, the medic who had once saved him from Sasori's deadly poison.

"Hey Sakura, how are you doing?" Kankuro greeted.

"Leave me alone." she told him.

"Are you alright?" he asked, concerned. She ignored him so he reached out towards her.

"No, don't look! Don't look at me!" she screamed, batting his arm out of the way.

"Uhh..." Kankuro didn't have a clue on how to deal with crazy people. He began to back away cautiously.

Sakura lifted her head to look up at him. "Oh, it's you. Sorry, I didn't realise. Did Tsunade-sama send you to fix me? I... I guess I'll have to take this off."

She stood up and removed her robe, letting it drop to her feet.

"Wow!" Kankuro exclaimed. She'd developed some nice curves since the last time he saw her. "So err... you look great. Do you want to..."

"Don't fucking joke with me!" Sakura said vehemently. She turned around, welling in self-pity. If she was capable of it, she was sure she'd be crying right now. As if anyone besides that freaky Akatsuki puppet would be interested in her now! She was doomed to spend forever alone. Naruto had moved on to Hinata and even Lee had stopped declaring his undying love for her and instead switched to promises of eternal friendship.

Kankuro noticed something odd about her arms, blemishes on her skin that reminded him of cracked wood. He took a step closer to her, and saw that she was made of wood. He saw the fine lines where different body parts slotted together. She was a puppet and he'd been too busy staring at her rack earlier to even notice.

"I'm sorry, I'll repair any broken parts and if there's anything else you need don't hesitate to ask me."

She turned to him with sad green eyes. "Thanks."

"You must be going through a lot. I know it was hard for me losing my legs and becoming a half-puppet."

She glanced down, his legs were covered by trousers but she could see wooden toes poking out of his sandals. "Oh no! How did that happen?"

"Kisame of the Akatsuki." he said simply.

"I hate those guys so much!" Sakura exclaimed. "They destroyed my village, Itachi Uchiha killed his clan making Sasuke leave to get revenge, they want to kill Naruto because he's a jinchuuriki and Sasori turned me into... into this!"

"Yeah the bastards keep trying to kill me and my family too, and now they've kidnapped my sister."

"Don't worry." Sakura put a wooden hand on his shoulder comfortingly. "We'll get her back."

Kankuro clenched his fists angrily. "Damn those Akatsuki! If they hurt her..."

Sakura spent some time chatting with the Sand jounin, it was nice being with someone who didn't look at her with a mixture of horror and pity. She was enjoying herself for the first time in a while. The big dog moved closer to her and she rubbed it behind the ears.

"Is that dog yours?" Kankuro asked. He hoped not, he was getting hungry.

"No, I just met him earlier. He was so friendly and cute that I couldn't help but hug him. He made me feel a little better." she looked at Kankuro shyly. "But you did a better job of cheering me up."

"Oh? Do I get a hug too?" he asked smirking.

"If you want..." she said uncertainly. Why would anyone want to hug a hard wooden puppet?

He wrapped his arms around her, holding her close for a moment. Then he started to slide his hand down her smooth back and...

"Eep!" Sakura jumped in shock. "Did you just grab my butt?"

"How did you even feel that? You're a puppet."

"That's because she's made of wood which was once a living thing." a mysterious voice said. "That means it is very good at holding chakra." A compartment on the back of the big red dog opened up. Sasori clambered out, continuing his explanation. "With her chakra I made something similar to a nervous system so she has a sense of touch and is capable of feeling great pleasure." he winked suggestively at the pink-haired girl. "It's complicated, only a master puppet-maker like myself could do that."

"You!" Sakura accused. "I can't believe it. That dog looked so real..."

"Thank you." Sasori said smugly. "Although I have to give some credit to Zetsu who found and skinned all the puppies and Kakuzu who stitched together the fur coat."

"You Akatsuki are sick. All of you!" Sakura accused. Those poor little puppies...

"Although maybe my puppet-dog was a bit too realistic." Sasori muttered to himself. That big white hound kept trying to hump him.

Kankuro reached for his sealing scrolls. "Sakura, run for help. I'll hold him off."

Sasori stared at him coldly. "That's my puppet bride you've been flirting with. Stay away from her!"

Sakura screamed. She didn't want the evil bastard to force her to marry him.

Akamaru, in Beast Human Clone form and looking just like Kiba, ran up to investigate. He started sniffing around Sasori curiously.

"Kiba, get back!" Kankuro warned.

Akamaru tackled Sasori to the ground and began dry-humping him enthusiastically.

A giggle escaped Sakura's lips. "Akamaru, you shouldn't do that to people." she told off the transformed animal half-heartedly.

A look of confusion crossed over Kankuro's painted face. "He told me his name was Kiba..."

Sasori managed get out from under the horny beast. If only he hadn't given up being a ninja then he'd kill this random molester as well as Kankuro, his rival in love. He picked up his cute bonnet and placed it back on his red curls before clambering into his four-legged puppet. It was time for a hasty retreat, he'd have to think up another plan to win Sakura over after this humiliation.

"Uh Kiba... Akamaru... whatever your name is." Kankuro called out. "I know he was dressed like a girl, but he really wasn't one. I just thought you should know."

Akamaru looked at Kankuro and barked aggressively before transforming back into his original canine form. He ran after the fleeing puppet-hound.

Gaara's third eye had located the enemies campsite. It zoomed around, recognising many of the famous ninja that had been brought back from the dead.

"I must of died and went to heaven to be blessed by the sight of two gorgeous angels such as yourselves." Might Dude, the reanimated grandfather of Might Guy, loudly proclaimed. "Please tell me your names so I can compose poetry worthy of your beauty."

Dude was rocking a mullet and a handlebar moustache. He was wearing an ill-fitting overall which he had created himself using material from a green tent.

"Let's go." Temari said, walking away swiftly.

"Please stay." the green beast pleaded with Pakura. "I am about to begin a vigorous training session, surely you want to watch a magnificent stallion such as I in action? I'll even strip down to my tighty whities so you can look at my bulging muscles glistening with youthful sweat."

Pakura jogged to catch up with her fellow Sand-nin.

Dude scowled as he watched their retreating backs. "Stupid whores." he muttered. "I bet they got sand up their vaginas."

Over in the Hokage's tent, Mei was growing impatient as Gaara had been silent for several minutes. "Tell me what you see." she demanded.

"My sister is alive." he replied. He looked to Shizune. "She's in the company of a Sand kunoichi named Pakura. I also saw a man resembling Guy but with a moustache."

Shizune was writing down the information. "Have you any idea who that could be Tsunade-sama?"

Tsunade frowned. "An infamous drunken master that was banished from Konoha long ago."

"Is your assistant one of these drunken masters?" Mei asked with a sideways glance at Shizune.

"No, I don't even drink." the medic insisted.

"Sure you don't. I bet you just happened to trip and fall head-first into a cask of sake on the way here." the Mizukage said mockingly.

Gaara sighed. "I'll keep searching for the whereabouts of the Akatsuki."

He soon spotted them as well as the Leaf's missing scout. He wished he hadn't.

"I used to only let the ladies see Little Samehada." Kisame was telling Sai. "But Zetsu-san convinced me that everyone deserved to see it."

"Indeed." Itachi said. "Zetsu convinced me there is no shame in flaunting one's body."

"Does your dick have a nickname too?" Sai asked him.

The raven-haired man gave a slight shake of the head. "Hn."

"Well." Sai stared intently at Itachi's penis. "I'll call it Mr Floppy."

He finished his sketches of Itachi and Kisame, then called out to Kakuzu. "I'd like to draw you next Kakuzu-san. Do you mind turning towards me?"

"Leave me alone. I don't need another artist boring me with their stupid art talk." Kakuzu grumbled.

"Where are those two anyway?" Kisame asked, referring to the Akatsuki's artistic duo. "I've not seen them all day."

"Zetsu told Deidara to come to his tent." Kakuzu mentioned.

"I'd really like to speak to this wise leader of yours." Sai said.

Itachi stood up. "I'll take you to him."

The two Konoha natives walked towards Zetsu's tent, which was also serving as the headquarters for the Akatsuki and their undead army. Several kunoichi noticed the handsome Uchiha and rushed towards him, overcome with desire. Itachi put up a wall of black flames, but this didn't deter them. The female zombies ran into the flames, shrieking horrifyingly as they burnt to a crisp but then their regenerative abilities kicked in and they resumed running toward Itachi.

Kabuto was playing card games with Tobi in the HQ tent when Itachi burst in, wide-eyed with fright.

"You've got to stop them!" he blurted at the necromancer.

Sai strolled in after him, his calmness a contrast to Itachi's uncharacteristic panic. "Mr Floppy looks funny when you run."

"Has Tobi met you before?" Tobi asked the pale young man, who looked familiar.

"Sai. A Root Anbu and a member of Team Kakashi." Kabuto spoke before Sai could introduce himself. He passed a ninja info card to the man in the orange mask.

"Kabuto, make the zombie-girls leave me alone." Itachi begged.

"Oh fine." Kabuto heaved a sigh. He didn't want them overwhelming the tent and disrupting his game with Tobi. He mentally commanded all the women he'd resurrected to stay away from Itachi. "Done. Do you get chased by crazy women a lot?"

"Occasionally. Although it's been happening non-stop since last night. I wish they'd leave me be."

"Put some pants on then."

Itachi's eyes shifted into sharingan form as he glared at Kabuto. "Pants are evil!"

"Tobi thinks clothes are good." Tobi disagreed.

Kabuto looked at Sai. "Is this a spy you captured Itachi-san?"

"No, I think he wants to join us." Itachi responded.

"Oooh, I hope we get a new member." Tobi said excitedly. "Zetsu-san is in the back with Deidara-sempai if you want to talk to him."

Sai followed Itachi as he pulled aside some cloth and ducked into another room of the tent. The young artist walked up to the Akatsuki leader and without introduction plopped to the ground in front of him, pulling out a sketch book.

"What are you doing?" Zetsu questioned.

"You have such a unique penis. I must draw it!" Sai replied.

"Would you like me to pose for your artwork?" Zetsu sprawled on the ground seductively.

"Why'd you let that follow you Uchiha?" Deidara said in an angry tone.

Sai tore his gaze away from Zetsu's sausage to look at the man who'd just spoke. "Your dick is almost as small as Naruto's." he said with a pleasant smile.

"Shut up un."

Suddenly, things went dark for Gaara's floating eye as Deidara snatched it from the air and crushed it in his fist.

Gaara removed the hand from his face. "They discovered my third eye and destroyed it."

"That's unfortunate." Mei commented. "Still you did discover a lot of useful information. We'll put it to good use."

"Indeed we will. Shizune, get some chunin to make copies of that list of reanimated shinobi and distribute them." Tsunade ordered.

The Kazekage and the Mizukage soon left the tent and Tsunade reached for another bottle of sake.

She took a large gulp."Whew! I needed that."

Shizune snatched the bottle from her master's hand. "Tsunade-sama, you must keep your wits about you at a time like this."

"A small drink won't hurt. Stop being so fussy Shizune."

Mei re-entered the tent. "Do you have any tasty treats? I've got a plan to lure Tobi... ah ha! Drinking on the job are we?"

Shizune hastily put down the bottle. "It's not mine, really!"

"I'd better take this and dispose of it." Mei picked up the sake, then noticed more bottles of the rice wine lying around. "And these. Come along Tsunade-hime, we need to talk."

The two renowned kunoichi left Shizune to her work. They found a nice secluded spot to sit down in and Mei passed the blonde Senju a drink.

"It would be a shame to waste this. Let enjoy a few bottles shall we?"

"An excellent idea." Tsunade smiled. "Here's to victory against the Akatsuki."

"Cheers!" they clinked their bottles together and knocked back some sake.

"Mmmm, this is good stuff." Mei remarked happily.

A man's shadow loomed over them ominously. "Ah, so this is where you've been hiding." an accusing voice spoke.

Mei jumped in surprise and turned around guiltily. "Ao! We were just..."

"Getting drunk before a battle?" Ao frowned sternly. "Leaders such as yourselves should be setting a good example."

As the two other Kage were being berated, Gaara wandered around the encampment looking for his brother. He wanted to let him know that Temari was alive and well. He soon saw Kankuro, sitting side by side with Tsunade's apprentice.

"You two seem to be getting along..." Gaara began, before noticing that it was a puppet beside his brother. "You made a Sakura-doll? That's pathetic."

"Gaara, it's not what it looks like!" Kankuro protested.

"I don't care. Just don't get caught, I'm not bailing you out of jail again."

"Why can't you change the law? You're the Kazekage. Puppet-love should be legal."

"The Elders would never agree to it. Just get a real girlfriend."

"Actually, I am real." Sakura said. Although she wasn't sure about the girlfriend part.

"I didn't know you could do ventriloquism." Gaara said, not accepting her statement as the truth.

Sakura stood up, her green eyes flashing angrily. "I'm not a lifeless puppet. I have a soul, I'm a person."

Kankuro got up to stand at her side, facing the Kazekage defiantly. "Yeah. If you don't get those outdated laws changed, then I'll move to Konoha to be with Sakura."

"Uh..." Sakura wasn't sure about that. He was nice but... that awful facepaint. Maybe if she could convince him to stop wearing it.

The combined armies of the Leaf and Sand soon resumed their march to the Valley of the End. They stopped once they reached the river, looking at the horde of undead on the other side. The fifth Hokage stood on the head of the massive statue of Hashirama Senju, her grandfather. She faced off against Zetsu who stood upon the stone head of Madara Uchiha, the man who had created him.

The roar of the waterfall was the only sound heard as the two opposing forces waited in tense silence.