The Stream-Test was very vague, wasn't it? I got a complete medley of a result.

Also-those of you who don't read Harlen Coben, you're missing out. I've actually added one of my favourite Win moments at the end of this one-shot. I suggest you read it. And then go read the books.

DISCLAIMER: I don't own HIVE. Yet. maybe next year, when I take over the world...

SPOILER ALERT: Tiny spoiler for Aftershock. But really, go and re-read Book 1. It certainly wasn't a surprise for me.

Dear Alphas,

We admit it-Block and Tackle have the IQ of a waffle. Their combined IQ is that of a waffle. A sad, burnt waffle.

And, knowing you, you little stuck up, snooty 'geniuses', you'll probably comment on how (cue the high, stuffy voice) "the 'IQ' of waffles is not dependent on how burnt they are, and what do you mean by sad? Waffles don't have emotions..."

Because, by definition, all Henchmen students are idiots. Right?

Freaking wrong.

You're not that special, you know? You're the leaders, but what's so great about that? Without people to lead, all you're capable of is conducting the air to do your evil bidding. Ha ha. Good luck with that. We know what your average upper body strength is like-don't pull a muscle waving your arms around!

Leadership is overrated. There's nothing wrong with being the second-in-command! You know why we work under you? Because we choose to. If we didn't want to listen to you boss us around anymore, we could just as easily break the deal. Along with a few other things. Like your bones. Even the ones you didn't know existed.

You upstarts get where we're getting at? We have brains. No one forces us to take orders. We work for the leaders out of loyalty or personal benefit or shit like that. Not because we're too stupid to know how to tie our shoelaces.

Food for thought (yes, that was a pun regarding the whole 'waffle' thing); Raven? The world's deadliest assassin? Dr Nero's girlfriend/bodyguard?

*Insert space for the reader to glance furtively over his/her shoulder to see if she's nearby. The mention of her name does that to most people.*

She's a henchman through and through. She works under Dr Nero. She takes orders from him. And she's a badass fighter-THE badass fighter. Henchman, right? And she could kill Nero in a heartbeat if she was so inclined.

Henchmen still looking like drooling vegetables to you? Yeah, tell that to Raven. Go on. We dare you, you gutless, spineless pricks.

Windsor Horne Lockwood III from the Myron Bolitar series. Henchman. No one can dispute that. No one can dispute that he's a true BAMF, either.

(Written by Harlan Coben-you do read, don't you, pansies? Or do you just carry around your fancy books for show? We wouldn't be surprised... for your benefit, we attached a Xeroxed page from one of the books at the end.)

And, Wing Fanchu? The Wing Fanchu? He should have been a Henchman. He works under Otto Malpense. And he's one of the best fighters ever to come at HIVE.

He certainly doesn't have any leadership or evil-mastermind qualities. And he can give Malpense a first-hand Biology practical on the appearance of a spleen (Malpense's own, to be precise) any day.

God knows why they screwed the Stream sorting up with him. With the number of fangirls he has, it would have been the biggest CHEW ON THAT, SUCKERS if he was in Henchman.

Yours sincerely,
The (severely pissed off) Henchmen students.
(We love it when Colonel Francisco makes you work your weak little asses off. It provides us with an excellent source of slapstick humour)

Dear Alphas,

Hi. PolFi students here. Do you even know what colour our uniform is? It's gray, by the way. The SciTech stream is white. Do you even know what PolFi is short for? Or SciTech?

Because we are blatantly ignored. And it is, to be perfectly frank, insulting.

We are the manipulators. The Lucians and the Slytherins, so to speak. We recline in the shadows as we pull the political strings and reshuffle funds. We smile as we twist our way into peoples' minds and laugh at how they are but putty in our capable, cunning, sneaky hands.

And unlike you, we certainly don't wave around conducting batons, ordering a gorilla army to do our bidding. Yeah, yeah, you're the evil geniuses, the masterminds behind the diabolical plot, the true leaders. Yada yada yada. We've already siphoned off half the funds of the World Bank by the time you've finished your speech.

Oh, and by the way-the true leaders? That would actually be us. Politics, sweetheart. We know what to say, how to say it, when to say it. We pull the strings. We manipulate minds.

We dare you to try to say 'I like maple syrup on my waffles' without us being able to twist your words.

Seriously. This is an open challenge to all you Alpha students-try to beat any PolFi student in a game of liar dice or poker. Open challenge. Beat anyone from our stream, and we'll admit defeat.

(We hope this challenge actually has takers. We find it downright hilarious, watching you trying to keep up with us.)

You know, if you had half a brain, you would have noticed that we've been siphoning off your resources. Being invisible is our speciality-you want to catch us at it? It'll be easier to convince Franz Argentblum to go on a diet.

Speaking of Franz Argentblum, he should have been in our Stream-he's not Alpha material, he's a natural PolFi who really knows his figures-or rather, his figure fudging.

We had thought that those two newbies, that pink haired girl (Penny-overt reference to money, anyone? We're the Political and Financial stream, hint hint...) and her friend (whose last name is Ransom-yep, definitely suited for PolFi...) would be here, too. Dayum, can they lie! They could talk a crazy old cat lady into giving them her last bag of kitty litter!

Well, their loss. They should complain to the authorities. Actually, so many people were put in the wrong stream this time. Our SciTech friends don't stop ranting about how they understand that Otto-Malpense-technical-genius-extraordinary is Alpha material, but his girlfriend-is she his girlfriend? That Scottish ginger?-is no way a leader or mastermind and should be in SciTech.

Actually, the Darkdoom boy, Nigel-leadership qualities? A budding mastermind? Who the hell saw that in him?

*Insert space for the reader to glance furtively over his/her shoulder to see if Dr Nero's nearby.*

But he's a natural Biotech Engineer. What the hell is he doing in Alpha? He should be SciTech, too...

Someone really messed up there. So many people have been placed in the wrong stream this time...

Regards,
The ones who manipulate and the ones who pull the strings,
Political/Financial Stream (seriously, though, you did know what 'PolFi' was, right?)

Alphas,

Get off your high horse. You suck compared to us.

If you have any respect for what we are and what we do, you'll be gone by morning.

Science and Technical Stream

Post Script-A student from SciTech (who wishes to remain anonymous for the sake of his/her personal safety) would like to add, "I've installed cameras in Wing's shower. Good luck trying to find them. We know how to cover our tracks, we know how to disguise signals absolutely. With the number of fangirls he has, it's easy to find takers for the tapes. It's a lucrative business-the PolFi Stream isn't the only one who knows how raise resources."

The SciTech Stream in general would like to agree with him/her. Incidentally, the PolFi stream has teamed up with us on numerous occasions. The things they have with which they can blackmail you...they are redefining 'evil', even by HIVE standards.

We are laughing as we try to imagine your discomfort,
SciTech

Dr Nero stared at the letters his assassin/bodyguard-not his girlfriend, of course not!-had placed before him. He folded up the letter he had been reading before she could read the "Dr Nero's girlfriend/bodyguard" bit.

"Well," he said finally, "I'm actually rather glad that they've discovered ways of smuggling currency into HIVE. And utilizing it. Considering the fact that they're supposed to be the next future villains of the world, I'd be disappointed if they hadn't yet figured out ways to sneak in money...And the Henchman stream was rather...civil with its language."

"It's a surprisingly peaceful way of voicing their opinions on the Alpha stream," Raven said seriously. "And they all raised some very valid points-Brand and Darkdoom should be in SciTech. Fanchu is a Hechman. Argentblum should be PolFi, and Richards and Ransom as well." She eyed him suspiciously.

"Max, you weren't drunk when you sorted-"

"No," he snapped, "Absolutely not."

"Were you sitting with Pike when you were deciding the streams? Was he drunk?"

"Professor Pike was not involved. And neither was alcohol," Nero stressed.

Silently, he crossed his fingers under his desk.

I'm PolFi. And I call dibs on the Nero+Pike+alcohol+streaming plot bunny!

High five if you read the 'If you have any respect for what we are and what we do, you'll be gone by morning' line in Tigress's voice ;)

Also-this is my take on how the other streams perceive the Alphas. The books have made it pretty clear that they hate Alphas. If you disagree (likely), then get creative...write a response in your review. I survive off humour ;)

Excerpt from
DROP SHOT (Myron Bolitar series-which should be renamed Windsor Horne Lockwood III series)
by Harlan Coben

"I have an idea," Aaron said.

"An idea?"

"For how to end this deadlock. One I think you'll like, Win."

"Do tell," Win said.

"We both put our guns down at the same time."

"So far it doesn't sound very appealing," Win said.

"I'm not finished."

"How rude of me. Please continue."

"We've both killed men with our bare hands," Aaron said. "We both know we like it. A lot. We both know there are very few worthy adversaries in this world. We both know we are rarely if ever seriously challenged."

"So?"

"So I'm suggesting the ultimate test." Aaron's grin grew brighter. "You and me. Man to man, hand-to-hand combat. What do you say?"

Win chewed on his upper lip. "Intriguing," he said.

...Still holding the guns, both men placed their hands on the floor. At the same time, they twisted their weapons so that the barrel was no longer pointing at the other man. They both released their weapons at the same time. They both stood at the same time. They both kicked the weapons into a corner at the same time.

Aaron grinned. "It's done," he said.

Win nodded.

They approached each other slowly. Aaron's grin spread into something fully maniacal. He got into some weird fighting position – dragon or grasshopper or something – and beckoned with his left hand. His body was sleek, all muscle. He towered over Win. "You forgot the basic premise of the martial arts," Aaron said.

"What's that?" Win asked.

"A good big man will always beat a good little man."

"And you forgot the basic premise of Windsor Horne Lockwood III."

"Oh?"

"He always carries two guns."

Almost nonchalantly, Win reached into his leg holster, took out his gun, and fired. Aaron ducked, but the bullet still hit him in the head. The second bullet also hit Aaron's head. So too, Jessica guessed, did the third.

He shook his head and made a tsk, tsk noise.

"What is it?" she asked.

Win turned to her, an almost shy smile toying with his lips. He gave a half-shrug. "I guess I'm not much for fair fights."