A/N: Alright Phans, here is the first chapter. WARNING - This chapter is setting the story up, and telling about the main characters Cat and Leila. You don't see Dan and Phil here, but you WILL see them.

Oh and if you're easily offended by people calling out the Phans who might need to be medicated because they're so scary, you might not want to read this. :-)
Please let us know what you think either here by way of reviewing or shoot us a message to our ask box on tumblr!

Cat's POV
"Oh yeah, baby. Give it to me! That's it! Yes!"
"Cat..."
"Work it! I can practically smell the sexiness oozing from your loins!"
"Cat..."
"Oh GOD! I don't know how much more of you I can take!"
"CATHERINE!"
"What?!" I shrieked, whipping my head around to look at Captain Annoying-as-having-to-piss-at-4am. "Can't you see I'm working here? This is quality shit."
He just stared at me like I was insane.
"Literally. Quality shit, bro," I waved my hands towards what I was photographing... which was literally a huge pile of shit. A fertilizer truck turned over on a section of the freeway during rush hour traffic and guess which LA Times photographer got the glorious job of photographing it?
Yep. That's me. Catherine Radley, also known as Cat. I'm sorry you're so jealous of me now.
Moving on.
"Montgomery is-"
Oh the evil cunt faced ass gobbling whore herself. Madusa, I mean, Sharon Montgomery was my boss. My boss who was evil and who hated me and I do mean hated me. Why else would I be standing next to a few thousand pounds of animal feces in my favorite pair of Toms.
Note to self: Take off Toms before walking into the office or else you will be forced to murder your boss when she asks if you're one of those dirty hipster chicks.
"Catherine! What the hell are you doing?"
I had to supress an audible groan when I heard her voice. Perhaps I should have listened to Captain Annoying when he was trying to get my attention.
I took a deep breath, counted to 3 in my head and plastered on a fake smile before turning around.
"Ms. Montgomery, what brings you here?"
She was wearing a fucking pant suit and heels that made her look like some important news anchor or some shit. I bet it was all Gucci knock off shit. The tags probably said Cucci. I had to literally bite my tongue to keep from chuckling.
"I'm checking up on your since you can't seem to make a deadline these days. I needed these photos 20 minutes ago for the website!" She was waving her hooker red manicured fingernail all around while cars zipped by us going about 70. My eyes were trained on them as they zoomed by like I was trying to use any mental powers I might have to cause one to veer to the left and plaster her ugly ass to the pavement.
"First of all," I attempted to not sound like a total bitch but failed. I always did. "There was a traffic jam and-"
"Do you have legs?" she asked in a tone that made me feel like a mentally challenged dog.
I raised an eyebrow and tilted my head as I looked at her. She huffed and rolled her eyes. "Just get the damn pictures done, Radley. I'm on my way to a meeting and-"
I wasn't using my mental powers I had hoped to magically gain so I'm guessing this idiot just couldn't fucking drive because out of nowhere, a car veered to the left. I don't know how the fuck I reacted so quickly but I jumped backwards which caused me to fall and then roll halfway down a hill.
Yes. The fucking hill was covered in shit.
The car barely missed me. I mean, my uterus and the hood of this car were nearly on a first name basis. I looked up towards the top of the hill to see Captain Annoying fussing over Medusa because she had toppled over during the commotion.
"Holy shit! Are you okay?" one of the officers who had been working the wreck was running towards me straight through poop to make sure I was fine. The two cuntbags I had worked with for well over a year hadn't even bothered to look at me yet.
I looked down at myself to make sure I was okay and my heart fell out of my asshole. The lens to my camera was no longer attached to the camera body. It was in front of me though...scattered in about 20 pieces.
"That was a 3,000 dollar lens!" I heard the devil shriek as the police officer pulled me up to my feet.
Medusa was standing at the top of the hill looking down at me and the shattered lens remains. Her face was blood red and I was waiting for laser beams to shoot straight out of her botox filled face.
"That is IT! You're done. Go to the office, get your check and do not come back!" she screamed before turning on her heels and stomping away.
I just stood there next to the cop staring at her as she walked off. I nearly got hit by a car and this bitch fired me.
Fired me.
FIRED ME?!
What the fuck?
I glanced up at the officer who was glaring in her general direction.
"Out of curiosty, how many years would I get for grabbing your gun and shooting her right now?"
That was probably really stupid to say to a cop but hey, I was covered in shit and had nearly been run over by a car. I plead insanity.
"The jail time isn't worth it, trust me," he sighed, watching as she sauntered towards the company car she'd arrived in. See? Even the cop knew she was a bitch.
I made my way back up the hill with him. Captain Annoying was standing there with a smug look on his face. He was my new replacement already, no doubt. I pulled the camera over my head and shoved it towards him, hitting him in the gut on purpose.
I immediately pulled out my phone once we made it to the van.
Guess who is covered in shit? Me. Guess who also just got fired? Me. FUCKED. WE ARE SO FUCKED.
I pressed send after typing the text out and tried to imagine what Leila's reaction was going to be. Without my pay check we really were fucked. Rent in LA is ridiculous and there was no way I'd land a job that paid as good as that one in enough time to cover it. My check I would be picking up would only be for one week.
I leaned my head back against the headrest and closed my eyes. I was trying very, very hard to ignore the stinch coming off of my clothes.
"Ugh. Cat, you're making me gag." Captain Annoying pointed out which I'm sure caused my eyes to turn black like I was a devil bitch when I opened them and looked at him.
I sighed. "Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've said that to someone?"
He stayed silent. Somehow I think he knew that he was on the verge of me shoving that camera body up his asshole with no lube.
"Hey Bob!" I leaned up towards the front seat and I saw him wrinkle his nose up as he leaned towards the open window. I liked Bob. He was a peasant like me and Lele at LA times. I call Leila Lele because I choose to behave like a 4 year old instead of a 24 year old.
"Wanna stop at Starbucks?"
"We can't!" Captain Annoying shrieked in horror and I looked over at him with an expression that made him grab the handle on the door like he was about to try to escape.
"I just got fired. What other shenanigans can I get into? I want a fucking coffee. Shut the fuck up."
He didn't say anything.
I'm such a bitch.
Kanye shrug.
About 20 minutes later we arrived at the offices and hopped out of the car. I was happily sipping my drink and acting like I hadn't just been fired and was at high risk for losing my home, hopes, dreams and becoming deathly ill from bacteria in the poop that covered me.
I walked through the back door of the office and I could feel people's eyes on me as I made my way down the hall. I popped my head into human resources.
"Did the hag tell you I need my check?"
Sue, the lady who was over the HR department, rolled her eyes. "I can't believe you actually lasted this long."
I think there were probably bets going about how much longer my job there would last.
"Me either," I said as I walked out and further down the hall to the closet that Medusa called Leila's office.
I knocked on the door which was already open before leaning casually against it like my white button down blouse and grey pants weren't stained brown with shit and I didn't smell like I'd been hanging out in the sewer with the ninja turtles all morning. Leila wasn't there. She was probably out getting coffee like a good little peasant. I sucked at being a good peasant.
I walked into the office and plopped down on one of the chairs before pulling my cell phone out and going to youtube. Maybe I could become youtube famous in less than a week.
"When you wish upon a staaaaar," I began to sing in response to my own thoughts. "And then you grow up and realize that doing that is about as useful as sniffing your own faaaaarts!"
Yep. I had officially lost it.

Leila's POV:

"Hey you." Medusa called out as she let herself into cramped my cubicle. I knew the evil sea witch was talking to me but I ignored her. The last time I checked, my name wasn't 'Hey you.' "You." Nope, still not my name. "Leila! Lye-lah! Are you deaf?"

No, I just don't like you, is what I really wanted to say. Actually, I've wanted to say that since the first day I met her over a year ago. Unfortunately, Medusa is by boss; if I said something like that I'm pretty sure she would fire me, and as much as I hated my job, I needed it.

I rolled by eyes and quietly scoffed as I looked up from the word document that was open on my computer screen. "It's Lee-lah, Mrs. Montgomery." I corrected her for the second time that day. "What do you need?"

I bet my left ovary she needs another espresso.

"Lye-Lah Lee-Lah, what's the difference? Anyways,I've got a staff meeting at two p.m." She began, peering down at me through her thick rimmed glassed that made her eyes look scarily magnified. "I need you to make a run to Starbucks."

You owe me an ovary.

"Of course." you do. I smiled kindly. "Another Espresso Macchiato?" I asked as I grabbed my purse and stood up. It was twenty til two, so I needed to get going; the line at the local Starbucks was always long, no matter what time of day it was. But what line wasn't long in Los Angeles?

"Not so fast. You might have finally learned my order but I hardly doubt you know what the rest of the department heads want." She said, handing me the company card and a folded piece of paper.

"I'll do my best." I replied as I moved around her. I managed to get two steps away before I heard her nails-on-a-chalk-board-like voice again.

"Make it snappy. I'm going to need all the energy I can get for this meeting after the horrible morning I had.. Oh, and Leila, don't take it upon yourself to use the card for your own expenses. We pay you for a reason."

Just kill her with kindness so you don't actually kill her.
I forced myself to smile at her before turning away once more.

When I first received my job at the L.A Times I was ecstatic. For a girl who moved to L.A from a small town in Tennessee with the dream of someday becoming a writer, landing a job writing for one of the biggest papers in the country really made me feel like I had made it.

That was until I found out that I would be writing the obituaries and grabbing my high and mighty boss - who doubled as the chief editor - her lattes. From there it was a downward spiral of bad, to worse, to fuck my entire existence.

It's not that my job was hard - it was just depressing. I was at the bottom of the food chain. A Guppy trapped in a shark tank. A piece of toilet paper being rubbed against shit covered genitals.. I mean, I never expected to start out on top. As the saying goes, nothing worth having comes without some sort of fight; but I wasn't even fighting... I was fetching coffee and doughnuts and writing, quite literally, the most depressing part of the news.

My youth didn't help my case at all. Being only twenty-two, I was the youngest person who worked in my department - and maybe even the youngest person who worked for the L.A Times period. As Medusa often liked to remind me, I was lucky I landed the position. Most people my age got stuck doing internships. Which was more or less what I was doing, only I got paid to run all of their errands. The only skills I got to use were my ability to keep my mouth shut and my ability to power walk four and a half blocks to Starbucks.

On top of being the youngest employee, I was a full-time college student, and to hear Medusa tell it, college students are a liability to the company and are not to be trusted. Apparently she only liked people in their thirties who had been sucked of all of their hopes and dreams and carried out the same dull routines everyday.

My eyes weren't completely dead... yet. I held onto that.

In reality, I think the only reason she even hired me was because I was in the midst of becoming a published author at the time, and she saw potential. Obviously I'm still a nobody. A lousy peasant. So it's not like my work of fiction had been a big hit. Quite the contrary. I had made a total of 3,009.50 off of a book that took me well over a year to write to my standards of perfection. Don't get ahead of yourself now; three thousand of that was what the publishing company had paid me. So realistically, I had made a whopping nine dollars and fifty cents in sales..

Anytime that I called home, someone in my family was waiting to tease me about my failed career. I'm not sure if that would classify as a fail, since my book Living Wilde had only been released six months ago.

But to be perfectly honest, I thought I would have sold more than eighteen copies...

Sometimes I wondered if maybe my parents were right. Maybe I needed to start being more practical and pursue something that wouldn't leave me broke and broken hearted. However, being the determined type of person; I refused to meet defeat so easily.

I wasn't going to give up until I had no other choice.

It only took fifteen minutes for me to get from the office to Starbucks and back again. I told you, I have mad power-walking skills.

What is that God-awful smell I wondered, scrunching my nose up as I made my way down the main hallway. The entirety of the ninth floor had a horrible lingering stench...

Wow this place is literally shitty today.

Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz. I felt my phone vibrating against my hip from inside of my purse. Being the type of person who couldn't wait two seconds after hearing an alert go off on my phone, I carefully balanced the drink carrier against my left arm and fished my Blackberry out of the abyss hanging off of the opposite appendage.

3. Missed calls 212-555-0906 || New Text Message. Cat.

I had no idea who the random number belonged to, and as curious as I may have been to find out, texts from my roommate/best friend trumped everything else.

Guess who is covered in shit? Me. Guess who also just got fired? Me. FUCKED. WE ARE SO FUCKED.

I read the message five times to make sure that my eyes weren't playing tricks on me.

"We ARE fucked!" The words came out of my mouth before I could stop them and my body jerked in opposition to my outburst. Bad move. No, horrible fucking move.

"OW!" The cups of steaming coffee toppled out of the drink carrier and continued to drench my arm, chest, and torso. "FUCK! FUCK! OW! FUCK!" I screamed. Without really thinking, because seriously, who can think when their skin is literally melting off of their body, I flailed my arms, causing the drink carrier and what was left of their contents to spill onto the white carpet, and instantly tugged my white button down over my head.

To say that I had caught peoples attention would have been an understatement. Everyone in the office was gawking at me - including Medusa, as I stood there, quite awkwardly in my bra.

"Ms. Faust! Are you mentally deficient?!" Sharon Montgomery snapped. "First your friend Radley destroys a THREE THOUSAND DOLLAR CAMERA - AND NOW YOU'RE RUINING THE CARPET AND STRIPPING?! JUST GO. GET OUT NOW."

I gasped. No no no! This can't happen! "Please don't fire me. Ms. Montgomery, I need this job!" Was I really begging her not to fire me? Of course I was! I needed an income. If I got fired I would be forced back to Tennessee and the I-told-you-so-s that my family was just waiting to dish out on me.
I couldn't let that happen.

"Did I say I was firing you?" She growled. "No. I'm giving you the rest of the day off! I don't want to look at you! I'm sure you've got a paper to write, or a class to go to or an episode of I-Carly to watch!"

I-Carly? Really? I'm twenty-two. Not twelve.

Eyes averting to the floor, I didn't bother arguing about how I needed the hours, instead I sulked back to my cramped cubicle, the smell of shit becoming stronger with each step that I took. I halted at the door, which was slightly cracked open and leaned in, pressing my ear against it. Why the Hell did I hear a British man coming from inside of it?

"I sold and ax to a twelve year old."

I knew that line...

"Cat?" I said, confused, as I pushed the door open. Sure enough, there was my roommate sitting in my chair, watching the YouTube famous Dan Howell on her phone. "Oh my God." My eyes doubled in size; she was literally covered in shit. "What happened?!" I gasped, quickly shutting the door behind me.

"What the actual fuck?" Cat asked, pressing pause on her phone so Dan's voice would stop flooding the room and most likely the hallway. "Why are you shirtless?" she asked, unable to hold back the giggles that flew out of her mouth before she was done speaking.

I almost looked at Catherine like she was crazy until I realized that I was indeed shirtless, my white bra stained brown in random patches. "I spilled six cups of coffee on myself." I explained as I pressed my fingertips to my forehead. "I just saw your text... What the fuck happened?" I asked worriedly. I'm not sure why I was so surprised by the fact that she had gotten fired. Medusa hated Catherine more than she hated me.

"Ow!" She said as she looked me over. I pressed my finger against one of the many splotches of red on my skin from where the hot coffee burned me. She groaned loudly and folded her arms over her chest like a 9 year old. "That waffly twat in there!" she said way louder than she should have. I cringed and put my finger over my mouth to tell her to shut up. "Le, I was nearly run over by a mother fucking car," she explained, saying the words slowly to add emphasis. "This bitch watches it happen and sees that I rolled down a shit covered hill to avoid said car from taking me out of the game of life and then fires me for breaking the camera lens. She never even asked if I was alright." She looked out the window towards her office. "Bitch is going down.

My eyes were nearly the size of Catherine's - any let me just say right now, Cat has monstrously large eyeballs -, my jaw hanging open as she explained what had happened to her. "That fucking cunt!" I stomped my black pump against the floor, completely outraged by what I had heard. I rarely got angry enough to actually show that I was angry. When she looked back up at me, my face was as red and blotchy as my scolded chest and arm. "I swear Cat.. one day I am just going to go batshit crazy and shove a stick of dynamite in her dried up twat and blow her to fucking pieces!" It was horrible when I got mad - because when I did, I was scary. "I'm glad you're okay..." I said as I stepped towards her and bent down to give her a very loose hug. "I'll hug you properly when you don't smell so bad." I patted her arm.

She laughed at the awkwardly hilarious hug I attempted to give her. Aw, come on Lele," she said as she stood up from my chair. She began swaying her hips and pulled her shirt up to expose her stomach. "You know you want these lumps," she grinned. "But you have to put a ring on it!" she shouted almost sounding exactly like Lumpy Space Princess from Adventure time which was fucking hilarious but I was treading on thin ice and I knew if Medusa heard it then I'd be fired and we'd be double fucked and dipped in shit. Well, one of us was already dipped in it.
She cleared her throat and I saw the facade that she'd been putting up fall apart. I knew her and she was freaking the fuck out. "Dynamite up the twat seems a bit too nice for her," she sighed as she picked up her coffee to take a sip. "I guess I need to get the hell out of here and go get a job at that strip club down from the apartment complex cause these babies are the only things that could pull in enough cash to pay my half of the rent right now," she said as she pointed at her boobs. Leave it to her to still be hilarious in a crisis. "I'll figure something out though," she forced a smile and I knew she was putting on a brave face for me. She was always trying to be brave for me like the big sister I never had "Do you need me to bring you some more clothes?"

"Anything short of her getting trampled on by a load of tween-aged Beiber and Twilight fans is too nice for her." I replied, a small smile finally breaking through the worried look that had been plastered on my face. We were both ridiculous and sometimes, okay fine, a lot of the time, accused of being mildly mentally challenged, but I was definitely the more serious between the two of us. I was younger had different things weighing down on me; like the taunting from my parents. I love them, but they weren't the most supportive people on the planet. "No one is going to prance around and have old men put singles in their g-strings." I reassured, giving her another light pat on the arm. "We'll figure out something that doesn't involve stripping or hooking." I emphasized the 'we' as I grabbed the hand sanitizer off of my desk. "Actually, no. Medusa gave me the rest of the day off." I explained as I rubbed my hands together, cleansing them of the cow-poo germs. "Which honestly, I'm thankful for. If I don't get out of here I might go on a killing spree, and we both know I wouldn't last in jail."

"Awww, no hooking?" she asked before poking her bottom lip out. "You ruin all my fun," she sighed loudly for dramatic effect. When I said that I had been given the day off I swear her eyes nearly bugged out of her head. "Has that ever happened? Wow." I shook my head and laughed. "Definitely not."

"Let's get the fuck out of here. I need a shower and I think we should both tell this day to kiss our asses and take a nap. Then we can wake up, eat left over pizza, and get shitfaced."
I was already sliding my arms back into my still wet shirt as she told me her idea. "Oh that sounds orgasmic," I replied. "A nap sounds fucking glorious."

The car ride home was amusing to say the least. Cat attempted to pull an Ace Ventura and drive down the road with her head out the window. It didn't work out too well. By the time we got to the apartment complex, we were both ready to vomit. As soon as she was out of the car she ran ahead of me and towards the door. She had unlocked it and was about to walk in but then...

"Fuck it," she said before dropping her bag. She quickly kicked her shoes off before unbuttoning her pants and shimmying out of them. My mouth fell open in shock and then I proceeded to cackle laugh quite loudly "Glad I wore cute panties today!" she told me as she pulled her shirt over her head. She picked up her bag and ran into the apartment. As I closed the door all I could see was her purple Adventure Time panty covered ass frolicking down the hallway.

"Fuck, I love her." I mused to myself. I seriously don't know what I would do without her; and I don't mean financially. Catherine was the only source of sanity I had aside from writing. To think that she could have died today made me misty eyed, so I quickly forced the thoughts away. I already had enough bad shit to think about. Like what in the actual fuck we were going to do now.

I pulled the clip, that had been holding my hair in a tight bun against the back of my head, out and made my way down the hallway to my bedroom. As my long chestnut colored tassels fell over my shoulders and down my back my scalp started to ache. Massaging it with one hand, I sifted through my sock drawer with the other. Pulling out a pair of flannel pajama pants and a white tank top I closed the drawer and continued to strip out of the tight uncomfortable dress clothes.

Despite the overwhelming thoughts plaguing me, once my head hit my pillow
it didn't take long for me to fall asleep; I still wasn't used to getting up as the ass-crack of dawn despite the fact that I did it every single day.

I woke up about two hours later and went straight to the kitchen because I had the most disgusting taste in my mouth. Getting a glass of water from the tap, I sat down on the island bar and stared off into space for about twenty minutes, just thinking about how fucked we really were, before I heard Catherine hollering from the hallway. "I'm in the kitchen!" I yelled back at her, straightening up a bit. I didn't want to look too miserable and risk making her feel bad about this. It wasn't her fault.

"Hungry. Want beer." I turned to look at Cat when I heard her walking in. It was very obvious that she had fallen asleep with her hair wet. It was huge, curly and everywhere. Afrotastic. She grunted as she walked towards the fridge. I watched in amusement as she pulled a bottle of beer out before grabbing the box of pizza that we had left over from the night before. She turned to face me and then just stood there for a minute and stared into space. I raised an eyebrow in confusion. Was she sleepwalking? It wouldn't be the first time.
"I totally forgot what I was about to do," she laughed and I did too ."I think that I lost some memory in my coma nap.
"Did you sleep alright?" she asked me as she twisted the top off of the beer. "I just realized that I woke up and immediately came in here to get beer. I feel like a camera should be following me filming the latest installment of Intervention."

"I sawed hella logs." I chuckled as I hopped off of the island bar and moved over to fridge where Catherine was standing. "Well if my mouth wouldn't have tasted the way you smelled earlier, I would have done the exact same thing." I said as I grabbed a beer out of the icebox. "Honestly, I was thinking about going next door and asking Hunter if he could sell us a joint. We both fuckin' need it." I grabbed the box out of her hands and made my away around the island bar. Sitting the box down on the table I smacked the tip of my beer against the edge of it, causing the cap loosen up before I twisted it off. Leaning my head back I took a long swig then wiped my mouth. "So do you think we should avoid all serious business until tomorrow?" I asked as I helped myself to a slice of cold pizza. "Because half of me is like, 'we need to figure this shit out' and the other half is all 'fuck that noise, it's Friday."

Cat took a long swig of her beer as she listened to me talk and grinned, nodding as she pulled the bottle away from her lips. "Serious business," she responded, imitating Dan Howell from Youtube. "So obsessed. I've gotta stop doing that," Cat laughed as she sat her beer down on the bar. She opened the pizza box and pulled out a slice. "I say fuck that noise it's Friday and I am definitely down for getting the herbal treatment from Hunter." She took a big bite of the piece of pizza and wiggled her eyebrows at me.

I was mid swig when Catherine made the Dan reference and beer ended up coming out of my nose as I choke-laughed. "Fu-u-ck." I coughed, wiping the beer off of my face with the back of my arm. Obviously I am such a lady. "Okay, I'll go get the goods!" Shimming my chest for no reason, I danced around Catherine, slapped the back of my hand against her ass and skipped out of the kitchen, down the hallway and into my bedroom.

I grabbed my purse off of my dresser and slid it over my shoulder while taking another hearty bite of my pizza. "I'll be right back." I said with my mouth full of cheesy goodness as I skipped back down the hallway to the front door.

Hunter only lived two doors down from us so I didn't bother to put on shoes.

"LAPD! I'M HERE TO GIVE YOU A THOROUGH CAVITY SEARCH! OPEN UP!" I pounded my fist against his door. I could hear footsteps on the other side of it followed my a ruffling by the window as Hunter peeked through the curtain.

"Leila? What the fuck!" I heard him say. Three seconds later the deadbolt clicked and the door swung open. "You're going to give me a fucking heart attack. You can't just scream LAPD at my door! And where the fuck are your shoes you damn hillbilly?" He asked, moving out of the way so that I could come in.

"Har har. That's soooooo funny!" I exaggerated sarcastically as slid into his apartment. "Sorry about scaring you. I figured you would know it was me by now." I said before taking a swig of my beer.

Hunter shut the door. "When you're in my line of business you can't take that kind of shit too lightly." He countered. Turning around to face me, it seemed as though he only just then realized that I was holding a beer and dressed in my pajamas. "Here to invite me to your pajama party?" He asked with a smirk.

"Trust me, it might sound sexual to you, but you wouldn't have much fun." And he wouldn't. I already knew how the entire night was going to go. Catherine and I would binge on pizza and beer, curl up in the living room with our laptops, get on Tumblr and YouTube and proceed to fangirl over our many future husbands until the wee morning hours. "I'm here to buy a joint from you."

"What?!" His face screwed up as he looked at me and I knew why without asking. "Since when do you smoke?"

"Since my life went to shit." I said, pulling my wallet out of my bag. "The hag fired Cat." I answered before he even had a chance to ask.

"I'm sorry... Hey, if she's looking for work I've got a job or two for her..." He said jokingly as he walked over to his coffee table.
"I'm sure you do." I laughed. I could only imagine what he had in mind.

A few seconds later Hunter was making his way back towards me with a very large blunt in his hand. It was the size of a damn Cuban cigar.

"Uh, I can't afford that."

"It's on the house." He smiled.

"Are you sure?" I asked. I wasn't fond of handouts. Even if they were in the form of drugs.

"Yeah, I've got plenty. Take it easy on that though. It's some powerful shit."

"Isn't it always?" I laughed and went in to give him a one armed hug. "Thank you. Cat and I both appreciate it."

"HONEY, I'M HOME!" I screamed, not realizing Catherine was only a few feet away, sitting on the living room floor with her laptop until the door was shut. "Oh shit I didn't see you!" I laughed as I made my way into the kitchen. "The Phandom exploded again," Cat told me as I grabbed four beers - so we wouldn't have to be troubled to get back up for at least an hour - and the box of pizza then walked back into the living room, taking my usual spot on the floor beside her. "Dude, we're going to get so fucked up." I stated as I pulled my bag off of my shoulder. "This is serious business." I chuckled, offering her the huge cigar.

"Merlin take the motherfucking wand!" Cat said sounding like she might have been having a bit of an orgasm. She took the blunt from me while also reaching over to the side of our coffee table where a lighter was sitting next to one of our candles.
After lighting it, she took a drag and held the smoke in for a few seconds as she turned to look at me and then blew smoke all in my face. "Oh fuck," She said in a strained voice, placing her hand over her chest. "That is intense."

"Hunter said it was good shit." I commented as I took the blunt from her. Holding it up to my lips I took a deep hit off of it and instantly doubled over, coughing. Did he put battery acid in this shit? Once I caught my breath I sat back up and leaned over, eying the screen curiously. "What the shit happened in the Phandom this time?" I asked as I felt around for one of the beers I had carried in with me.

"Bitches be crazy," Cat shook her head. "Someone claimed to have proof that Phan is a real ship and all hell broke loose again. These bitches need to be tranquilized... Perhaps I should type up a post informing all of them that I am marrying Dan and you are marrying Phil. I think they just need to hear the truth, Lele. We have to do it some time."

Finally grasping one of the bottles I handed Cat the blunt again and twisted the cap off, giggling to myself because I was already starting to get a bit of a buzz. I rarely drank or smoked pot, so I was a complete lightweight. "What in the actual fuck is wrong with these bitches?!" I shook my head. "You know, sometimes I'm ashamed to be a member of the Phamily." And with that, I leaned my head back and started guzzling the cold Miller High Life. Belching much like a man, I slapped my hand over my mouth and went into a fit of giggles. "Dude, if we did that we'd get filed away in the crazy fan section. They don't know us well enough to know that we're kidding. And the tweens? They're fucking scary. I wouldn't be shocked if they hunted us down and tried to kill us for it."

Catherine sat up quickly and pretended to look shocked. "But-but I am marrying Dan! What is wrong with you Lele? How could you deny our majestic love?" She held her hands up towards the ceiling for dramatic effect. Yep. She was definitely buzzed. She started to laugh and pick up her beer while handing me the blunt again. "They are terrifying. I wonder what the hell their parents are doing while they're online reading fanfiction about dudes having butt sex."

I threw my head back and went into an instant fit of laughter. "Majestic looooovveeeeee!" I said through cackles, taking the blunt before completely falling backwards at her next statement. "Jesus Christ, I can't even with you!" I flailed around on the floor for a few seconds which caused me to spill beer on my chest. "Oh fuck! Clean up on aisle titty!" I said as I leaned forward again. Sitting up I sat my beer on the table hit the blunt; this time taking it easy out of fear that my lungs might explode.

Bzzzz Bzzzz Bzzzz. My phone vibrated from inside of purse. "Of course someone wants to interrupt our good time!" Handing the blunt back to Cat, I grabbed my bag and ransacked it until I found my Blackberry. "Ten missed calls? What the fuck?" Seriously, what the fuck? No one ever called me. Except for Catherine - and obviously it wasn't her. Clicking on the call tab, I tilted my head, confused. "Who in the fuck is this rando? They called me like five times while I was at work today."

"Popular!" Cat said as she flipped her hair over her shoulder. "What's the area code?" She asked.

"Totally popular! It's a 215 number..." I replied, still staring at the screen of my phone. I already knew that she had a new Google tab open, just waiting to see what the location was, so I waited too, idly taking swigs from my beer.

"Google!" Cat shouted while pointing towards her computer. "All of life's answers live within thee," she said to her computer as she typed the numbers in. "Definitely high," she sighed while clicking away. "That area code is a New York area code. Do you have hoes in different area codes, Lele?"

I nearly spat beer all over my lap at her outburst. "Gawsh! You're getting me all wet!" I said as I rubbed the liquid into my flannel pajama pants. "New York?" I furrowed my brow, giggling. "Dude, I've never even been to New York!" I said then gasped dramatically, grabbing Catherine's shoulders. "IT'S THE TWEEN PHANS! THEY'RE AFTER ME!" Oh yeah, I was getting more and more fucked up by the minute.

Cat screamed loudly and started shaking her head from side to side. "We will not live through this alpacalypse! QUICK. BEFORE THE FOG ROLLS IN. WE MUST PUT ON OUR BEST ARMOR!" She grabbed a pillow from the couch and placed it on my head. Of course it toppled to the floor right after she moved her hand. She sighed and shook her head. "We're gonna die."

Laughing like a five year old, I picked the pillow up again and put it back over my head, pulling the ends down so that they covered my ears. "MAYDAY MAYDAY. THE PHANDOM HAS FALLEN. ALERT THE CULT LEADER! WE MUST PREPARE FOR WAR!" I yelled, kicking my legs.

Bzzz Bzzz Bzzz. My phone started vibrating again and I promptly moved the pillow from my head and put it over my face. "I can't answer that, Cat! I am legit scared right now."

"Holy shit, Lele!" Cat laughed, shaking her head as she
facepalmed herself. "Dude, you need to answer it. What if it's really something important?" I just sat there staring at Cat with the corners of the pillow pulled over my ears and a look of genuine terror in my bloodshot eyes. "Oh, give me this damn thing," she said as she leaned over and grabbed the phone. She very loudly cleared her throat before clicking the button. "Hello?" she answered, before covering her mouth to keep from giggling even though there was really no reason whatsoever to be giggling.
Other than the fact that she was high as a fucking kite but I digress.

"Who is it?!" I mouthed, unable to take the suspense.

She reached over and pushed my shoulder before covering the phone with her hand. "It's Jonathan!" she whispered. "Is there any way at all that you can have a conversation right now without it being completely obvious that you are higher than Snoop Dogg on 4/20?"

My mouth fell open and my eyes nearly bulged out of my head. Jonathan was my publisher... Why the hell was he calling me?

I nodded and reached for the phone with two very shaky hands. Taking it from Catherine, I hit the speaker phone button and held it out in front of myself. "...J-Jonathan? Hey, it's Leila..."

"Holy fucking SHIT, Leila! I thought I was about to have to get on a damn plane to come get your ass," Jonathan sighed loudly.

Cat turned and looked at me like I was a dragon or something.

"First of all, your book was released Monday over seas. I'm not sure if you got my email about that but consider yourself a very rich woman because people are buying your fucking book left and right. We've already had at least 20 stores in England alone put in orders to restock the books because they are sold out. I don't know what the hell triggered it."

Just when I thought my eyes couldn't get any bigger, or that my face couldn't get anymore contorted, Jonathan said that.

"What?" Was all that I could get to come out of my mouth as I gawked at Catherine like she had suddenly sprouted another head. "Dude, are you hearing this too or is it just me?" I asked. I was seriously starting to wonder if Hunter had slipped something into that blunt to make me hallucinate. There was no way this could be real.

Cat was staring at the phone like she was in a trance. She turned her head slowly and looked at me. "I'm hearing it. You're hearing it," she nodded.

"Leila!" Jonathan yelled which made Cat jump. "You didn't faint or anything, did you? Because I have more news that's even bigger than that."

"No.. No I'm just trying to process what the fuck you just told me.." Which I still hadn't. "I'm not sure what news could be bigger than that but, go on.. my body is ready."

He laughed and so did Cat. "Right. Well, a film producer from London contacted me early this morning. It seems he got your book and read it all within a day. Not only does he love it and I mean this dude LOVES it. He wants to discuss turning it into a movie with you. He's been calling me repeatedly all fucking day because he is terrified someone else is going to snatch you up."

"WHAT THE FUCK!" I yelled. "I LIED, MY BODY WAS NOT READY! FUCK, ASS... WHAT?!" Seriously, WHAT?

Jonathan laughed again. "That's pretty much what I thought too. He's actually on his way to the city. He wants to meet with you. Tomorrow. He's completely serious about getting this project up and running within the next month so I need you to get your ass here, ASAP. I booked you four different flights but you never called me back. The next one leaves from LA at 9:15. Can you make it?"

Cat's mouth fell open and when she heard what Jonathan said. "Yes, she can make it!" she shrieked without thinking. "I will personally pack her shit. She will be there!"

Thank God for Catherine; because I was literally so dumbfounded that I couldn't produce words.

"Great. That's perfect. I'll see you soon. Oh, by the way, Leila, check your banking account. I think you'll be as happy to see the balance as I will be to see you when you land." Jonathan said and then hung up the phone.

I looked at Catherine and three seconds later I lunged towards her and attacked her with a flailing hug. "OH MY FUCKING GOD! CATHERINE! I CAN'T. I SERIOUSLY CAN FUCKING NOT. I HAVE LOST ALL CAN FUNCTION. THAT SHIT IS BROKEN BEYOND REPAIR!"

Cat screamed loudly beneath me since I'd managed to pin her to the floor. "HOLY FUCKING SHIT, LELE! I'M SO PROUD OF YOU I COULD JUST PISS ALL OVER THIS CARPET!" She reached up and grabbed my face. "DO YOU REALIZE THAT YOU ARE GOING TO GET TO GO TO FUCKING LONDON? LONDON, ENGLAND?" She wrapped her arms around me again and screamed with her mouth pressed against my shoulder. "THE FEELS. I MAY HAVE A HEART ATTACK."

"ME?!" I roared back at her. "YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING LONDON! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" I shook her shoulders. "You're also coming to New York with me!" I gasped suddenly and rolled off of Catherine and grabbed my phone, checking the time. "OH MY GOD IT'S 7:50! WE HAVE TO START PACKING!"

"ME?!" She roared back at me. "YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING TO FUCKING LONDON! YOU'RE COMING WITH ME!" LeLe shook my shoulders. "You're also coming to New York with me!" She gasped suddenly and rolled off of me and grabbed her phone. "OH MY GOD IT'S 7:50! WE HAVE TO START PACKING!"

Cat's eyes got even bigger. It was kind of scary, actually. "Me?!" she asked like there were 4 other bitches in the room. "I CAN COME WITH YOU?" she squealed as I rolled off of her, completely ignoring the fact that I just told her we had to start packing. "I'M GOING TO PISS ON THE FLOOR. ON THE FLOOR, LEILA. PISS!" She stumbled to stand up and before I could prepare myself for it she literally jumped into my arms and pressed her lips against mine. "I LOVE YOU MORE THAN SEX AND DAN HOWELL!" she screamed before hopping off of me and literally running down the hallway towards her room squealing words I couldn't even understand.