Think of me

A/N: I own nothing. I wrote this at 3.30am when I couldn't sleep so I do hope it is readable. I wasn't sure if I should post it, but then again why not. Set somewhere in season 7, after "Back Talk". Sort of experimental writing (just as a warning).

The first time it happens, Daphne feels guilty. How can she not? It's an ordinary day when it actually transpires. She is cleaning and there is a knock at the door. There isn't a conscious thought on her mind as she opens the door and sees him. Right there in front of her with his short, dark and curly hair a little messy is Donny. Her fiancé. He grins and easily enough, she smiles back at him. They have done this a thousand times. Yet in a way, she did not expect him. She never does when there's a knock on the door. She always expects Niles. She has started calling him Niles in her head simply because it is easier. She likes the way she feels when she thinks about him like that. In the end she also figures it is only fair that she calls him Niles. He is the man she expects when she opens the door. He is the man she sees when she kisses Donny.

Only the first time pains like a kick to the gut. Donny, with his hair messy and a big grin that tells her has good news before he even opens his mouth, leans up and kisses her. Now it's not a passionate kiss. A simple kiss hello. Beautiful and comfortable rather than passionate. She loves these kisses; they give her the feeling of belonging to someone. There is a man who trusts her and who she trusts as well. It's familiar. This time it is not however. Daphne closes her eyes involuntarily as her lips meet his. Suddenly she is no longer kissing Donny. She is kissing Niles. In her mind, that is. The lips she feels under hers are his. They taste like wine, because she doesn't know what they really taste like. She imagines they taste like this; warm, sweet and with a gentle hint of bitterness at the end. The kiss doesn't last long enough. When it's over, Donny looks at her with so much love in his eyes.

"Some kiss!" He says proudly. That's when she feels guilty. That's when she realizes this is not right. That's when she wonders if this ever happens to Niles as well.

Days go on and turn into weeks. Daphne no longer feels guilty as the occurrences are too frequently. Niles is always on her mind. She dreams about him. Her subconscious tries to make her see what she hasn't seen in all those years. The feelings he has harbored for her for so long become vivid in her dreams and nightmares. She begins to understand and she begins to see. She remembers small incidents when she could have known (should have known). The guilt, it passes. Sometimes she feels sorry for Donny, because this is not his fault and she still cares for him. A part of her maybe even loves him. If only there wasn't the other part of her, obsessed with Dr. Niles Crane. To her own surprise, she doesn't think about Mel. As she kisses Donny and thinks of Niles, when she touches her fiancée and wishes it was the blond brother of her boss she has known for years, she sees herself trapped in a triangle. Not a square.

One day, just as ordinary as any other, Niles and Mel come over. Daphne silently watches the new woman and cannot help but compare her to the ghastly former Mrs. Crane. She shudders and no one notices. Niles deserves someone better. In her mind, she is that someone better. The thought just runs by her, like an unannounced bus. She stares at the couple in surprise and has to excuse herself to gather her thoughts somewhere where she's alone. In the kitchen, her sanctuary, she wonders about Niles. And Mel. All the time she hasn't known about his feelings and now she is the only one who knows about her own feelings for him. Somewhere hidden in this mess, she is certain, is a Greek tragedy. Unfortunately, it is also her life. She hears them talking in the living room and Daphne contemplates the situation. Now that she knows about his feelings, she also doesn't know. When she looks at him searching for clues, she doesn't know what to look for. She doesn't know if he still feels the same for her. Love. It is such a mighty word with so few letters. The effect it has on people is appalling. Daphne tries not to think it. Love. What does that even mean? She has loved Niles for a while now. As a friend. Purely platonic. Then... something must have changed. She doesn't know. Daphne needs to know. She walks back out into the living room, fully intending to ask to speak to Niles alone. Mel has her hand on his knee and it stops Daphne. The gesture is so normal, so familiar. Like she is with Donny. Daphne can destroy another relationship apart from her own, or she can leave everything as it is. Just look and don't touch. Niles covers Mel's hand with his own and then she knows; she won't say a word. She observes them like she would maybe watch a soap opera: secretly, like a guilty yet painful pleasure.

In the middle of the night, when Donny rolls over and accidentally touches her in his sleep Daphne realizes she still needs to feel guilty. She is betraying Donny. Not physically, but emotionally. She turns to watch him sleep and all she's feeling is a kind of bond, but one that is not strong enough. Were there someone to cut it right now, she would be sad. For a short while. She would move on. Donny, she finally realizes, is not the love of her life. So she turns away from him and stares at the ceiling. She thinks about Niles. He himself is like a guilty pleasure of hers. She cannot stop thinking about him anymore. She knows now and she cannot forget. Tonight, she wonders if it ever happens to him. Does he ever think about her when he's with Mel? When she talks to him, or touches him, does her voice, her hand ever enter his mind? Daphne knows this is a destructive way of thinking. It's also unfair. Then again, this thing hasn't been fair for a long, long time. She closes her eyes and can't help but question if he has ever imagined kissing Daphne instead of Mel. Does he ever think a relationship with her would make him more complete? Daphne doesn't know. All she knows are her own feelings. Her own pain and fear. She closes her eyes and wills the images away. As she drifts into a dreamless slumber, a last questions leaves her mouth in a mumble: Do you ever think of me, Niles?

No one hears.

No one answers.

END