The Second Book of Job
by: Jeuxdevie

"Shit! The obedience index has gone down by another ten points. And the non-belief index is at an all-time high! Arrgh!"

God (i.e. Jehovah/Yahweh) banged His holy head on His office desk as He groaned over the statistics on DeityIndex-dot-com. Immensely annoyed, He karate-chopped His computer into pieces and violently brushed off the fragments, sending them flying off at bullet speeds.

"Oooh dear, that almost hit me," said a suave and sexy voice (think Alan Rickman) from behind the Lord. "My, if I weren't immortal, I would have been killed."

God recognized that voice. He quickly turned to confront... "Satan! What are you doing here? More importantly, how did you get here? Satan alert! Guards! Sound the alarm, and seize this intruder!" and slammed His fist upon a red button that appeared on His desk.

Satan smirked as he looked at the weary, time-worn, stressed-out face of his Arch-Nemesis. "I'm afraid that won't work anymore, God. You see, your faithful archangel guards have all gone on strike."

"What! What have you done to them, Satan? Did you hypnotize them again, like you did last time?"

"I've never hypnotized anyone, Sir. Just like what I did before, I simply showed them what they were missing out on. Medical benefits, mobile reimbursements, vacation leaves... Don't tell me your angels have never had a paid vacation leave?" when God raised an eyebrow.

"Vacation leave? Paid? What bullshit is this? My angels are on duty 24/7, and ask for nothing in return. Always have been for 6,000 years."

"Not anymore. I've shown them something better, and now they will demand, as they should." Satan looked over God's shoulder. "So You've ruined another computer. I heard this was the third computer that you've destroyed this week. And it's the newest Mapple too. You must make the Mapple CEO very happy."

"No, he's a Buddhist. Damn."

Satan took out a computer tablet from the pocket of his overcoat. "This baby runs on Mandroid. Very nifty. Does everything that a Mapple does, except better and cheaper. Keeps me updated on the latest news too. Oh, what's this? Looks like You dropped another few points on the Deity Index. Tsk tsk. Let's read what Xenu has to say: At this rate, by the end of the year, 35% of the world's population would be non-believers, 50% apathetic to religion, and the rest believers but with a negative view of God. No wonder You look so depressed," pointing out the dark circles underneath God's eyes. "Care for some Prozac?"

"No thanks. I'm not ingesting anything that comes from you."

"Oh, come now. It might even help You do better than that lousy job that You-"

"What did you say!"

"Temper, temper. You gotta put a rein on that if You wanna be better at this God career."

"Well, you're one to talk. Your name doesn't even appear on the DI. You don't know how hard it is to rule these crappy humans, to write new laws to keep them in line, to come up with creative punishments when they don't obey you. Afflicting every disobedient human with cancer or leprosy or poverty does not seem to work anymore."

"That's pretty obvious."

"And what have you been doing since I kicked you out of heaven?"

"Um, let's see. Partying, traveling the world, sampling exotic dishes, paragliding from the mountain tops, orgies with beautiful women and handsome men... I also paint and play the piano and ice skate in my spare time."

"And the nerve of you to tell me that I'm doing a lousy job. Why, can you do better?"

Satan snickered as he buffed his nails on God's coat. "Anyone can do a better job than You, God."

"You dare-" God roared as He lifted His fist to strike at the Devil.

"Let me remind Your Holiness that I am no longer under Your jurisdiction. I am free to do as I please." Satan waved a wand, forcing down the Lord's fist. "Now where were we again? Oh yes, You asked me if I can do a better job. Well, would You like to try it out?"

"Certainly."

"And what will You be doing while I'm running things?"

In response, God snapped his fingers and a set of designer suitcase appeared on the ground. "I'm going on vacation. Haven't been in one since the Sunday after I created the world."

"And where are you going? For how long?"

"Oh, perhaps a decade or two. I've always wanted to experience the Cayman Islands for Myself." God clapped His hands, but nobody appeared. "Now where are My angels? Who's going to carry My bags for Me?"

"They're on strike, remember?"

"Jesus Christ," God grumbled. "Anyway, good luck to ya. I bet it's gonna be the Book of Job all over again." And with a crack of thunder, and a puff of smoke, God disappeared.

Satan looked around at God's office, which was now his. He sneered. "Job was a retard and a fool. Don't underestimate the rest of the world." He lounged on God's cozy chair, took out his Mandroid phone and dialed a number.

"W? It's time."

-x-x-x-

Twenty-four years later (had way too many piña coladas at the Caribbeans), God returned to heaven. He expected to see the place vacated by angels like how He left it, but, lo and behold! The angels and archangels were all working hard. They were effective and efficient. They had new processes and new machines to help them with their work. And, surprisingly enough, they all looked very happy.

He also observed that they had occasional short breaks wherein they had coffee or simply chatted with their fellow angels or talked to friends on the phone. That certainly did not happen when He was in charge; an angel who took even a minute of recess back then would have been smote to non-existence or, worse, sent to Hell.

He peeked into a conference room. The angels were having a meeting, and the graphs from DeityIndex-dot-com were being shown on screen. The statistics shocked Him. Faith and morale have been steadily rising since the time he left; obedience and submission levels have been at their highest since the Dark Ages.

"This... this is a miracle! I have to see Satan! I have to see how he did it!"

He told the secretary that He wanted to talk to Satan at that moment. The secretary asked Him if He had an appointment with the CEO. God said no. The secretary told Him that He would have to set an appointment first, since Satan is very busy. God insisted. The secretary held her ground, and said no.

God was not used to being denied anything, especially by a woman, so He raised His hand to smite the angel, when suddenly-

"Hurt any of my employees and I will send You to hell faster than You can say Jesus Christ."

A firm grip had stopped His hand. God looked behind Him; it was his Arch-Nemesis and now CEO of the Universe, Satan!

"Calm down and put down Your hand," said Satan.

Although God was a megalomaniac who wasn't used to taking orders from anyone, much less Satan, He was also smart enough to know when someone else had the upper hand. He quietly put down His fist.

"I suppose You're wondering how I was able to clean up Your mess? Come to my office and I will show You."

So God followed Satan to his office. Satan pressed a button; the door locked, and the walls were instantly coated with sound dampening foam.

"Let's get down to business then. Oh, forgive me, I am being rude to my guest. Have a seat." Keeping His eyes on the chairman's desk, where Satan was now seated, God reluctantly sat on a guest's chair. Satan took out his computer tablet and quickly skimmed through some pages.

"Now let's have a recap of Your rule. Your laws were very simple: Obey Me or suffer the consequences. For thousands of years, You've kept Your subjects in line through a combination of fear and punishment. You threatened and afflicted them with disease, war, famine, poverty, and hell when they deviated from Your demands. You've kept all of them, except for a loyal few, poor, suffering and uneducated, so that they will be thoroughly dependent on You, hungry, fearful, superstitious. And, I must admit, this was very effective, for a while."

"Of course it was. How else would My brand of religion have become dominant in the world?"

"But Your method has its flaws," Satan replied. "For one, Your micromanagement stressed You out. I mean, just look at the two of us. We're about the same age, and yet, You've got white hair and a stoop and plenty of wrinkles, while I'm as fresh as a thirty-year-old man."

"I go natural, and you have plastic surgery."

"That's not the point." Satan stood up and walked to the window. "Have you ever heard the saying, If you can't do something well yourself, hire someone else to do it for you. Well, I agree. Apparently, You were right about one thing: running a universe is very difficult. So, I've decided to hire some help."

"What! That's cheating!"

Satan smiled. "There's nothing in the rules that forbade it. Besides, You often hire germs and locusts and bears to do Your bidding; what's the difference if I hire a man to be my help?" He swiped to another page on his tablet, and showed it to God.

"Is this the man you've hired?"

"Yes."

"Isn't he the president of-"

"Yes. He is known by many names, but I prefer to call him the Antichrist. I've known this man from the moment he was conceived in his mother's womb. I knew of his innate intelligence and ambition before he even began to talk, and with subtle persuasions I helped him to fulfill his destiny. When he reached the age of reason, I revealed myself as his supernatural benefactor. Thus began an intimate friendship between us.

"I told him about the way You ruled the universe, about how You tortured and killed Your subjects with wanton. I told him that I believe there is a better way to rule humans and to keep them in control without resorting to pain, but I did not know how. The Antichrist, bless the genius that he is, proposed to me a brilliant plan.

"And so, to make a long story short, we evicted You from heaven and have been running things ever since."

"So you planned all of this, from the very start?"

Satan sneered saucily. "Why, yes, of course."

"You bastard!"

"As for the second flaw to Your methods. Cruelty and pain will only get You so far, especially with subjects upon whom You have granted the capacity for reason. Sooner or later, in their helplessness they will rebel. Yes. Do You find it incredulous? On the contrary, it is very logical."

When God squinted His eyes, showing that He did not understand, Satan explained further, "For a helpless person, it couldn't get any worse. It could get better, but only if he tried. So what does he do? He acts. He risks. He loses all sense of fear. He fights. The consequences of his actions do not matter to him anymore, for he has nothing to lose, and everything to gain. Now do You understand? A helpless person is not the best slave; a helpless person is Your worst enemy.

"And You've made billions of these helpless souls. Billions of enemies! No wonder no one wanted to obey God anymore! Oh, what a fool You have been!"

"How dare you talk to Me in that manner, in My heaven!"

"Correction. My heaven."

The tension in the room was burning. God conjured a cold bottle of brandy and took a gulp. "So, you can point out what's wrong," He mumbled. "Any monkey can do that. Now, tell me, what have you done right?"

"Very simple. The Antichrist and I eradicated war and poverty, gave everyone a decent education and a job, and good health and food, and just enough comfort and luxury to keep the people satisfied."

"That does not make sense. When people are rich and comfortable, they become proud and lose their dependence on God."

"I never said we made them rich. What I did say was we gave them just enough comfort and luxury, just enough to keep them satisfied. Of course we wouldn't make them rich. If we made them rich and powerful, they would realize that they are able to do anything they wanted, and then that would cause them to lose their dependence on us, and our control over them would weaken. We wouldn't want that to happen now, would we?"

God folded His arms over His chest. "You've caught my interest. Carry on."

"Like You, we also believe that fear is the best ingredient for submission. Unlike You, we did not instill fear through brute force. Rather, we gave them the gratuitous comforts that they thought they wanted - designer clothes, weekends at the mall, video game consoles, smart phones, flat screen TVs and other gadgets, social networking sites and blog popularity, etcetera, etcetera. And it kept them in line.

"And the fear followed, naturally. Fear that came from the inside. What if I can't buy the newest smart phone? What if I can no longer afford to buy the trendiest clothes? What if I get fired? Then I will have to return the new computer tablet that I've paid for via my credit card. Or I will be forced to live in a less upscale condominium. What will my friends say? What if my girlfriend leaves me? See what I mean?

"So these people work hard, fearing that they will lose the comforts that they have been accustomed to. They dare not shake the establishment. They dare not take risks, for fear that if they don't succeed, they will no longer be able to pay their credit card balances, or their car loans, or their housing loans. After all, they're already comfortable; they're not hungry, they have clothes to wear, and they have their gadgets. So why bother trying to change things?

"Now here's the clincher: 98% of all employment is now controlled by the Antichrist. And, mind you, despite that huge number, they are all loyal to him. They obey and submit, and they work hard, hoping that they will be the first to buy the newest Mapple so that they can show it off at the office. If that isn't power, I don't know what is. That is how you keep people in line: keep them well-fed, keep them satisfied, and keep them distracted."

For a moment, God was silent in thought, and then sighed, "I concede. You are indeed the better deity. Congratulations." He snapped his fingers, and a new set of luggage appeared.

"Are You going on vacation again? Now that You've just arrived?"

"Yes. There's no use for Me staying here. Besides, I prefer hanging out at the islands and dancing the hula to stressing Myself over this God-business. Farewell, Satan." And, with a crack of thunder, God disappeared.

So that was how God, after 6,000 years, finally relinquished His burden of leadership to Satan and his Antichrist. Meanwhile, Satan continued to rule the world through several generations of Antichrists, until the end of time.

And the people were happy. Ignorance is bliss.

(THE END)