Chapter 1: I Can't Wait to Be On the Road Again

"Looking for some hot stuuuff baby this evenin'! I need some hot stuuuff, baby toniiiiiiiiiiight! I want some hot stuff baby this eeeeeveniiiiin'! Gotta have some hot stuff, gotta have some love toniiiiiiiiiiight! I need hot stuuuuuuuuuuuuuuff!"

Hi. My name is…actually, I don't really know what my name is at the moment. I mean, I know what the name I was born with is and all that nonsense, but that's irrelevant. You can't have a name in English when you've been sucked into a bloody Japanese comic book. It's simply not how it's done!

Well, the alias I've been using for the past two years is Madarawa Ikite, which according to Google translate means "Madara is alive," so I suppose I'll introduce myself as that. That's what my boss back at the restaurant called me, at least. Subtle, yeah?

Then again, considered a few of the other names I came up with…

"Lookin' for a lover who needs a-nother, don't want another night on my own! Want to share my love with a waaarm-blooded loooveeer, wanna bring a wiiild man back home!"

As I walked rather absentmindedly down the path, I was singing my bloody heart out. Not the wisest thing, when you're a being who happens to be bloody terrified of ninja and entirely incapable of defending yourself against them. I don't even have chakra! I mean, seriously. And those ninja types don't exactly discriminate.

But when you've been walking around for over two weeks and are running out of supplies, you almost want to be found. It's times like these I wish I could walk around with a whole bloody backpack of lembas bread! I mean, a bite can keep you going for…a really long time, and it seemingly has no expiration date!

Instead, I have to lug around a backpack of plain old rice balls and curry bread. And water. Do you know how heavy water is, when you're carrying a substantial amount of it in skins on your back? Yeah. I thought so. But nothing get's Madarawa Ikite's spirits down!

Okay, sorry, urgh, I sounded like some peppy little original character there. Lots of stuff gets my spirits down, like being suddenly sucked into the bloody Naruto world like I were some bloody awful Sue-fic. But I've had two years to get over that, and in those two years, I've learned a lot about the value of optimism. They say a cynic is just a frustrated optimist, no? So perhaps there's hope for me after all.

I let loose an entire symphony of curse words when I tripped over…whatever it was. Looking back-and muttering something quite nasty under my breath-I realized it was a tree root. A tree root of all things! I'm no stereotypical "cute" little klutz, so I'm not exactly used to falling flat on my face and thus didn't take it very well.

The words that tumbled out of my mouth then were most unladylike and I'm ashamed to have said them. At least, a part of me is. The other part is still darkly grumbling about the damn tree root. Anyway! After a few minutes, I went back to singing and walking, trying to keep my mind off things.

Just letting you know, sleeping alone in the woods at night when you have ZERO survival skills is not fun. It is scary as hell, and I certainly wouldn't recommend it for any other people-who-got-sucked-into-Naruto. I'm a city girl. (God, that sounds corny). But it's true.

I don't know jack shit about survival in the wilderness.

I can't even start a fucking fire.

With that thought rather depressingly swelling in my head, I tightened the straps of my ridiculously heavy backpack a little bit and trudged on. After all, if I don't keep walking, how will I ever get to Ame?

Exactly.

I don't know how I got here. I have no memory of the event whatsoever and quite frankly, can't be bothered to recollect it. For all I know, this is some elaborate dream my subconscious has put me into while I'm in a coma or something. I mean, it's not like that little scrap of paper I found literally baked into my fortune chocolate-chip-cookie was actually a legit ticket for an inter-dimension no-expenses-paid vacation, right?

Seriously. "In another world, in another life, you, who knows all, will have the power to change the destiny of many. That is your fate." Like anyone would buy that sort of BS, be they from my world or any other!

Anyway, so I was magically transported to the Naruto world. After asking around, I figured out that I had landed/appeared/spawned at a little village in the Land of Earth, a few leagues northeast of Iwa. I ended up getting a job at a local restaurant there, where I planned to save up so that I could head…somewhere to find out how to go back.

You pick up a lot of random snippets of information as a waitress, especially when you're on night shift four days a week after closing to tend the bar. It was based on the conversations that I overheard that I figured out precisely where in the timeline I was.

I know it sounds terribly unexciting and all, not meeting any of the characters you know and love when sucked into the world of a book you've spent an embarrassing part of your life reading, but I wasn't a ninja and I sure as hell wasn't going to play the part of one.

So no ninja for me. Maybe, I thought back then, I'll go live in Suna one day. But no, I doubt the weather there would suit me. And eventually I hoped to at least go see Konoha. To not do so would have been a sin, after all.

Anyway, I was perfectly content to stay where I was. Until, that is, the little village of my residence was attacked by ninjas from Kumo.

Let me tell you, it is scary as fuck to in one second realize what a jounin is actually capable of. The place I was staying in didn't really see ninja. Ever. Maybe the occasional, rather cocky group of chunin-that-never-were. Let me tell you, those types were a pain in the derriere! Honestly. And such unbelievably arrogant flirts! A real pain.

But anyway, so we were attacked by ninjas from Kumo and one of them nearly took my life. I mean, he literally saw me scrambling for a hiding place and decided, with little ceremony or evidence of reasoning, to kill me. He didn't even have the decency to kill me properly, he just threw a kunai at my back while I was unaware. A ninja from Iwa knocked it away from me with his own kunai before it hit me and engaged the enemy ninja.

He died. He probably knew he was outclassed but fought the bastard anyway. I think that was my real wake-up call. I knew him. I knew him. He was Akarashi Tenzo, he was a chunin that never was, but he was a decent and good person. He was always kind to me, at any rate, and he was sweet. And then, he was gone.

The enemy turned back to me and then I thought that my life was over. I got lucky again, this time in form of a tall and dangerous-looking man falling seemingly out of nowhere and stabbing the guy who had killed Tenzo-san in the back. Three children watched in admiration and I, quite frankly, was sick to my stomach, losing my early breakfast onto the floor right in front of where the body fell.

I didn't sleep that night, even once the village was declared safe again. I had nightmares and if I was drifting in and out of an uneasy rest, my conscious mind was filled with thoughts that were even worse.

I don't know what it was that brought me to my conclusion, whether it was the experience itself or its aftermath, but shortly afterward, I decided I could not longer live in the village as I had been doing. I needed some form of protection against the world of ninjas I had come upon. The question, then, was from who?

I considered several possibilities, of course. If I were going to go somewhere, I would go either to Konoha or Suna. I wasn't sure about Konoha, though, because though there were people there that I loved and practically knew, I am most definitely a civilian and I don't fancy my chances of survival when Orochimaru wrecks the place. Suna was a possibility, but one that for some reason gave me pause.

I don't know what it was, but I felt somehow as if I weren't meant to be there.

Somehow, I got to evaluating my own value. I mean, I'm miles ahead of the future, thanks to the books and the specific time frame I was dropped into this world in, and I had a dangerously specific knowledge of the characters. Well enough, at least, to know how they would respond to a situation and the like.

It was too risky to write things down, but at least half of my knowledge was ingrained into my psyche and would never be forgotten. It was easy enough to just run through what I knew every night before bed, so I made a habit of it.

In any case, I had the potential to be a very valuable commodity and I knew it.

I don't know when I began toying with the idea of going to the Akatsuki, but the more I considered it, the more I was enticed by the possibilities. For one, I loved the Akatsuki. So meeting them was like, a dream of mine. For another, they were precisely the evil sort of people that would ruthlessly take advantage of my knowledge.

Another was that, well, every devoted Akatsuki fan wishes at least at one point in their lives that they could somehow magically save their favorite characters, right? Well, if I revealed my knowledge, I would be changing the course of the future. Ergo, it doesn't matter if I change it completely, right? Maybe?

It's dangerous to meddle. I know. But…it was so conceivable a notion. And maybe, I could change things to help the other characters I loved so well. No, not characters. People.

I decided, then, to make my way to Ame to set up an audience with Pein. I figured that since I had more than adequate proof of what I claimed to know, I could just…blurt it out all at once and hopefully intrigue him enough to make him, you know, not kill my ass then and there.

Plus, that way, I could secure an audience with Tobi/Madara. In which case, I'd either for certain be killed, at the very least taken prisoner, or-and this would be a genuine miracle-be accepted as, not a member, obviously, but maybe a subordinate or something.

It was a plan, and that was all I had. I collected my two years of savings (which were, quite surprisingly, a lot), and packed my meager possessions and left, bound for Ame.

According to what the map said, I basically needed to walk straight south for a while to get there. No big deal, I thought. I'm not so stupid that I don't understand that the sun rises in the east and sets in the west, and at night I could just keep walking away from the North star, provided they had the same constellations there. I could totally handle it. Right?

If it was as easy as it sounded, I wouldn't be lost right now. I'm really confused, you know. I mean, I know I made it as far as the outskirts of Grass, but as far as I knew, Grass was a tiny country, and I've been walking for nearly as long now as I did trying to get there.

I hate the world.

As much, though, as I might make light of my situation, things were getting a little worrisome. I was running out of food, and there wasn't any sign of civilization in sight. What the hell am I supposed to do then? I don't even want to think about-

I was pulled out of my reverie by a hand grabbing me by the throat.

Oh. This shit is getting old.

"Who the hell are you?"

Glowing green eyes set in a masked face glared at me menacingly. And I swear, in that millisecond he looked at me, I could practically see him make the decision to kill me. Fuck.

"WAIT! KAKUZU-SAMA, WAIT! Don't kill me! I've been looking for you everywhere, dammit!"

Not strictly true, but I'd been desperate for any sign of people and my ultimate goal was the Akatsuki. I thought as quickly as possible, because Kakuzu was seemingly in a foul mood and his expression and tightening grip around my throat basically told me that he didn't give a shit about anything I might have to say and would happily end my life then and there.

"I know who you are! I know that you've been alive from the time of the first Hokage! I know you were a samurai! I know you have five hearts, and I know that each one allows you control of a different chakra nature thing! I know you're in the Akatsuki and that's why I've been looking for you! I'm trying to get to Rain so that I can speak with your leader!"

As an afterthought, when he showed no particular interest in releasing me, gulped.

"And I know that you're the Akatsuki's financer and whatnot? And that you love money and are probably on a mission right now collecting bounties? I don't have a bounty on my head, but I have information that is potentially highly valuable for Pein-sama!"

I don't know what he was thinking, but at least he dropped me. I twisted my knee trying to land on my feet. Not my ankle, my knee. He didn't say anything about what I knew, and I wondered, somewhat anxious, if that was common knowledge or in the bingo book or something. But…he wasn't strangling me, so maybe…

"Kakuzu! What the fuck is taking you so long, bastard? And who the hell is this bitch?"

And, once again, my life was in danger. If they kept it up at this rate, I was seriously going to end up completely jaded and apathetic to attempts on my life. Really. As it was, though, I wasn't quite at that stage and panicked, thinking fast.

And then, it hit me.

"Get away from me, heathen! Lord Jashin would have your fucking balls on a pike for threatening a believer such as myself!"

Hey, coming to the Naruto world, my belief in Jashin had been cemented. Honestly, I thought everyone else were total dumb asses for not realizing that, if he was capable of giving someone real, testable, proven immortality, he had to exist. Not that I'd start sacrificing people or small animals, but I believed.

Hidan's face was priceless.

"What the fuck did you just say?"

I (quite audaciously, especially for one of my character) pushed his scythe away.

"I said you're going to hell, fucker~"

Okay, so maybe I was having a little fun. As he stared at me, flabbergasted, I made a show of blinking and curtseyed like I would upon meeting a member of the Royal Family, sweeping my right foot behind my left ankle and bending my knees, head inclined graciously.

"I apologize, Hidan-sama. You took me by surprise and I did not have the opportunity to realize it was you. Please forgive me. I shouldn't have been so disrespectful in front of a priest of Jashin. My name is Madarawa Ikite, Hidan-sama. At your service."

Once again, flabbergasted.

"I-what?"

Rather than respond, I decided not to ruin the effect of my speech and waited. After a few minutes, he had his scythe to my neck again.

"Where the fuck is your rosary, then?"

I sighed, exasperated.

"If I had my own rosary and could talk to Jashin, do you think that I would be respectful to you because you're a priest? No, because then we'd be equals. I can't do sacrifices for Lord Jashin. That's why I'm not a priestess. I'm simply a believer. Like an altar girl, maybe."

He looked a little skeptical, but I simply went on.

"You know, getting the hard to reach places during the service?"

I mimed stabbing someone in the back, and Hidan glared at me suspiciously, apparently deciding to conference with his god on his rosary phone. Hey, Jashin? If you're listening, I could never do what he does. I believe in you, though. Hell, you might even have been the one who brought me here, I don't know. I know you're real. Could I maybe help your most devoted/only follower out with his sacrifices? You know, in lieu of doing my own? But without the immortality perk, of course. Just to be your follower?

I personally didn't receive an answer, and Hidan was still busy. I shrugged. Do I at least get, advise-Hidan-not-to-kill-me points for being a bit more cunning than most?

No response.

"You aren't lying."

It wasn't a question and it wasn't a statement. I looked at Hidan.

"No?"

He slowly pocketed his rosary and then suddenly clapped me on the back. I swear, that man could break your shoulder doing that. Seriously. He grinned.

"You're not a heathen bitch, after all. So where the fuck is it you're heading? Jashin-sama said you were trying to get somewhere important."

Forget flabbergasted. I, personally, was gob smacked. And had suddenly been converted to a devoted follower of Jashinism. I mean, it was so…easy. Imagine that.

"Rain. I'm trying to get to Ame to meet with Pein-sama."

Hidan frowned.

"We're not heading that way now. We have our ways of talking to the bastard, though, if its that urgent. What the fuck does a believer like you want with him?"

I shook my head.

"Thank you very much, Hidan-sama, but I need to meet Pein-sama in person. Astral projection isn't appropriate for my situation. I greatly appreciate your consideration, though."

Hmm, was I supposed to know about their hologram things? A little flippantly, I decided that if that was classified information, at least it proved the point I was earlier trying to make to Kakuzu as a reason as to why he should spare my life. After all, even if I was a spy, they'd probably take me back to Pein just to see how I managed to gather so much intel.

It is an interesting plan that you have, girl. Hidan will take you to Rain. Lord Jashin is merciful and caring to those that believe.

My mouth practically popped open. Did Jashin just pull that freaky mind-speak thing on me? Before I had the chance to even try to respond, a wicked laughter erupted in my head and faded away. Wait…hadn't Hidan just said they weren't going to Ame?

Hidan blinked and was seemingly released from some sort of reverie.

"Hey! Kakuzu!"

The masked man grumbled under his breath, and I got the distinct impression when he didn't answer that he was teetering between control over his murderous impulses and the little bit of reason that said that stopping to incapacitate Hidan and perhaps kill me was a waste of time, and time was money, after all. Hidan didn't appreciate being ignored.

"Kakuzu, you dumb fuck, don't fucking ignore me when I'm talking to you!"

It seemed to me like a nearly impossible thing to do, since Hidan was so loud, but Kakuzu was making a most valiant effort. Hidan pestered him and threatened him until he just about snapped and wheeled around.

"What is it that you want, imbecile?"

Hidan scoffed.

"Don't take that tone with me, asshole. We need to take Ikite to Ame. Jashin-sama has commanded it."

Even I could tell, instinctively, that it was a very bad thing to say to Kakuzu then.

"Your false god isn't my problem. We have work to do. We're not going to waste any anyway. We're going after the target and that's that."

Hidan did not approve.

"That's bullshit! I told you, Jashin-sama said, take her to Rain. So I'm going to fucking take her to Rain, got that? And since you're my partner, you can just fucking tag along."

There was a moment of tense silence-or rather, smug silence from Hidan and you-have-just-crossed-the-line silence from Kakuzu-and I had a sudden, vitreous feeling in my stomach that very clearly let me know that this couldn't end any way but badly.

On the plus side, no one's trying to kill me?

I Can't Wait to Be On the Road Again/End.