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I love you to the moon and back

One-shot

"Where are we going mommy?" Lacey asked from the back in her car seat, as Eli drove and I sat in the passenger seat "we're going to visit you brother" I said quietly trying to not wake up Megan, our sleeping 6 month old also in the back . "Oh," then she got quiet for the rest of the way to the grave yard.

Once we got there, Eli took Megan out and I got Lacey She held my hand as we walked over to his grave, my baby boy. Lacey ran over to his grave once we got closer and hugged it the best she could be so little. I smiled to myself, she remembers him, I don't know how much she remembers but she does. Lacey was having her own talk with him while Eli and I watched her, I could tell Eli wasn't having the best time being here considering the last time we were here was for Jason's funnel two years ago.

Megan was awake now and looking around. "You don't know him, baby girl. But were here to see Jason, your brother. He would have loved you so much" Eli said to Megan. Even though she probably doesn't understand a lot of what he's saying "sees…" he walked closer to the grave and read aloud what it said

"Cherished memories of Jason Elijah Goldsworthy, 2016 – 2020, there is a special angel in heaven that is part of me, it is not where I wanted him but where god wanted him to be. He was here but only for a moment like a night time shoot star, and though he is in heaven, he isn't very far. He touched the heart of many like only an angle can do; I would've held him every minute if the end only I knew. So I send this special message to heaven up above please take care of my angle and send him all my love." He said taking a shaky breath standing up, putting Megan on his other hip. He walked back over to me and I could see the tears in the corner of his eyes, I kissed him once and gave him a small smile.

Lacey ran over to him "its okay daddy, Jason's happy now" she said "I know lace, I know .Daddy just misses him" Eli told her "here let mommy have some time with him, okay?" she nodded and walked back to the car with him and Meg,

I took a deep breath and kneeled in front of the grave and traced his name on the tombstone with my fingers and smiled "hi baby boy, its mommy…" then I lost all will to speak; everything I've tried to forget in the past two years just hit me. Good and the bad, the over night hospital stays , birthday parties, the countless times he had to go though chemo and get pricked by needles, the look on his face when he first saw Lacey, just everything all at once,

" baby boy…you know mommy loves you so much, you have to know that you not being here is really hard on daddy and I , and we didn't come visit for a while not because we didn't want to but because we were trying to stay strong for Lacey , and your new baby sister Megan, I love you Jason." I was trying to keep from crying

6 years ago…

"Where is he? Where is my nephew?" Jake said coming into my hospital room with Katie with him, I was still half asleep from being in labor for almost a whole day; I looked over at Eli who held him, held Jason. "Oh, can I hold him? " Katie asked Eli .cooing over the baby; "yeah" Eli nodded and carefully passed Jason to her,

Jake came over to and hugged me after seeing the baby "you did great, sis" he said after hugging me "you and Eli are gonna be awesome parents" I smiled "thanks Jake" than Jason started crying and Katie came over to me "maybe mama should take you" she said with a nervous laugh giving Jason to me, Eli passed me a bottle, reading my mind I should say. And I fed him.

Present time…

"I remember your little laugh ,Race cars on the kitchen floor, Plastic dinosaurs, I remember your blue eyes looking into mine like we had our own secret club .I remember you dancing before bed time then jumping on me waking me up, I can still feel you hold my hand ,Little man, from even that moment I knew You fought it hard like an army guy, I remember the drive home when the blind hope ,Turned to crying and screaming, "Why?" ,Flowers piled up in the worst way ,No one knows what to say about a beautiful boy who died.

And it's about to be Halloween, You could be anything you wanted if you were still here, I remember the last day when I kissed your face I whispered in your ear, Come on baby with me, We're gonna fly away from here, Out of this curtained room and this hospital gray will just disappear, Come on baby with me We're gonna fly away from here. But the miracle was even getting one moment with you; you were my best four years. I love you to the moon and back, baby boy" I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, only seeing him

"I'm glad your okay little man, and not in pain anymore" I said standing up and wiped my eyes and cleaned off my knee's "bye Jason" I said quietly and walked back to the car, I looked back once more before getting in, and the sun finally came out and brightened up the sky I smiled getting in, I closed the door and put my seat belt on "ready?" Eli asked looking at me, I looked at him and nodded " yeah, lets go home…" I said he put the car in drive and started driving, he held my hand with his free hand. I looked in the back "girls…" Lacey looked at me "Megan... Meg...Look at mommy" she did, "girls….I Love you to the moon and back"

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