August 2 2012

Dear Tony,

You're an idiot, you know that yet? This was the last thing I expected! You told me it was just a stunt, you just wanted the press coverage, and after the idiotic argument we'd had for the millionth time I didn't stop you. You've been like that for a day already, but the doctor says you'll wake up, so I'm writing to you just so I can pretend I'm talking to you. It's too quiet already.

I'm writing to you until you wake up, I'll just pretend you're hung over and then I'll cope. You sleep longer than any other known human.

.

August 3 2012

Dear Tony,

You still haven't moved. I brought a comb and brushed your hair, and fixed the blood on your lips, it didn't suit them to be stained with something that wasn't my lipstick.

I've stopped wearing it. I'm saving it until you wake up. I'll make sure everyone knows you're mine.

I wish I'd kissed you where the cameras could see.

.

August 13 2012

Dear Tony,

I'm head of the company for now, all three parts of it. The Avengers insist that I'm the only one you'd have trusted with everything you created, I found that sculpture you hated so much and put it on your desk, it keeps me company somehow. Probably because I find it as annoying as you did, but I never told you that.

I wonder what you'd have thought to how you look right now, all wires and tubes and you're scowling, it's almost the same expression you used to use when I made you sign off your paperwork or write your own name. Sometimes I think you used to forget how to spell it, or maybe you were using it as an excuse to keep me where you could stare down my top for longer than you needed to.

Just how long where you staring at me for?

August 31 2012

Dear Tony,

I know you can't hear me, I wondering around this room cleaning for at least half an hour, and singing. Your favourite awful rendition of those AC/DC songs you used to love to sing in the shower, or sing when you were working, or just sing when you thought I wasn't listening. I was waiting for you to wake up and ask me who's cat I'd stood on this time, then you're grab my hands and make me dance with you, getting Jarvis to play those stupid romantic songs you'd stolen from Steve's iPod, the ones that never mentioned sex, just how beautiful you thought I was.

I used to love hearing you sing to me.

September 10 2012

Dear Tony,

It's colder than it was, back to those days when you used to laugh at the fact I'd finally started wearing a coat, and that scarf you bought me in Paris after we somehow lost time between the subway and that meeting when you went to sleep on my lap, snoring throughout the entire three hour summit.

I shouted at you for that and treated you like a child, you told me I should spank you and send you to bed. I remember how much I blushed at those words, we weren't even dating but I wanted to grab you and do exactly as you'd asked.

I'd give anything to have those years back, when we danced around each other, shouting and swearing like a married couple every time it went wrong and holding you close when you needed me, and when I cried.

I'm crying now but you won't come hold me.

I promise I wouldn't push your hands away.

I should never have pushed you away.

.

September 15 2012

Dear Tony,

I need to tell you something. But you're not able to answer. I need you so much right now and you're not here.

Don't you dare leave me. Don't you dare. I'll come to the afterlife if you leave me here without you.

.

September 16 2012

Dear Tony,

I have to tell you. I can't keep this in any longer, I feel like I need to scream until you shove your hand over my mouth and ask me where the spider is.

I'm not really scared of spiders, but I never told you. That grin and the glow in your eye when you thought you'd saved my life where worth screaming for.

.

September 17 2012

I'm pregnant.

.

September 18 2012

And it's yours.

.

September 19 2012

Dear Tony,

I couldn't tell you any other way; I just had to write it. I'm three months gone.

Do you even know what happened three months ago? The night that you accidently fed me strawberries and we ended up in the hospital, both of us giggling like children despite how much it hurt, I couldn't breathe and you made it worse! I remember you holding my hand whilst we waited to find out if I'd live or not, stealing the needles from the doctors to do it yourself because you knew how scared I was of needles.

The moment they were gone and I could breathe you pulled me into your arms and said sorry, looking like a kicked puppy as you tried to kiss my cheeks better. I ignored you and pushed our lips together, taking control of you for five minutes, you relaxed and threw me back.

Only after we'd finished did you tell me that had been on your bucket list.

I'm glad we did that.

I wish you'd shown me that list; I'd have let you do everything.

I miss you.

September 21 2012

Dear Tony,

There's part of you growing inside me but you're there. How can that work? You're alive inside me but no matter what I try you just don't wake up. I want to tell you, I want to see what you'd think, would you be proud? You'd be a father! I mentioned it once and the only thing you told me is you wanted to do a better job that Howard.

HOW CAN YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU WON'T EVEN WAKE UP!

.

September 25 2012

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry I shouted.

I just can't do this on my own. I don't want to. I want you back.

You were always my idiot. Mine.

My Billionaire Genius Playboy philanthropist.

I hate you so much.

You swore you wouldn't leave me.

.

October 1 2012

Dear Tony,

They told me what happened today. And it's my fault.

It was me that was trying to call you when you were attacked, I wanted to apologise, and I was sat on the edge of our bed in tears. Steve asked me why women leaked so much and I just giggled. You'd be proud of him; he's grown up so much.

I never meant what I said. I didn't. I wouldn't ever leave you. It was a spur of the moment thing, I was angry at you and stressed and I didn't mean it.

October 9 2012

Dear Tony,

The bump and me sat and watched you sleeping for most of the day. That's what I've nicknamed it, my small bump. I haven't told the Avengers. I haven't even told my mom.

Maybe you'll finally get to meet her, I wonder if you're in heaven, She's up there too and she'd tell you where a terrible influence on her little girl and ask me where the glasses and the braces and the pigtails went. I think she'd have liked you, she always swore I'd marry a man too good for me.

October 13 2012

Maybe they've just left your body here to break my heart.

If that was your great plan. God. It's working.

October 17 2012

Dear Tony,

You'd have laughed today, we finally managed it, we dragged Thor to McDonalds and made him eat their rubbish food. His girlfriend seemed to enjoy the sight, and you were right, Darcy Lewis and I are not friends. Jane is lovely, her and Bruce got distracted and talked about the stars. I wasn't listening but I sat there anyway, smiling and nodding the same way I used to do to you whenever you got off on a rant.

You haven't broken just my heart. You haven't seen the tears Bruce has shed with his arms around me, both of us just clinging, praying together that you'd wake up. It seems the Hulk doesn't like sadness, he refused to come out, even the Big Guy is missing you.

October 22 2012

Dear Tony,

You remembered my birthday for once. I can't believe it, when did you order those flowers? My desk looks the happiest it has in too long; I even cleared it of paperwork just to put them there.

The Avengers made a fuss of me, did you ask them to? They dragged me out for dinner, showered me in presents and even Maria Hill turned up. There was an empty chair for you even though I knew you wouldn't come. I don't know if you ever noticed Happy, your bodyguard, and by Natasha's account he's just as bad as you were when it comes to watching women change, but he held my hand throughout the entire ordeal. I couldn't stop shaking and I think I was crying. Some days I can't even tell anymore.

You're not supposed to tell people what you wish for on your birthday, but I think I'll tell you anyway.

Open your eyes, Anthony Stark.

.

October 31 2012

Dear Tony,

Bump and I went for a scan today, it tickled like hell and I think you'd have just smiled at the sight of me wriggling, and you know how sensitive my stomach can be.

It's a baby girl, but she's very small, too small.

I'm scared Tony, why aren't you here to hold my hand? I hold yours but it's not the same.

.

November 15 2012

Dear Tony,

That stupid company you invented actually paid off; StarkBucks is open for business and already making a fortune. I'm rushed off my feet with investors and things to do! You'd put my name on the paperwork, 88% of that company is mine. Is that to go with the other 12%?

It feels like that's all I've got of you, 12% of the man I love and I feel like it's fading quickly, tomorrow I'll have 11% but what happens when there's nothing left? I would give everything to have you back. Screw the company, screw everything else in-between and we'll live at the bottom off the barrel, begging for food and every breath could be our last if I only had you back.

I never knew this before.

But I'm madly, utterly and completely in love with Tony Stark.

Did you hear that? I love you.

I love you.

.

December 1 2012

Dear Tony,

I had my first signs of pregnancy sickness this morning, you'd have laughed, I didn't even make it to the bathroom and ended up on the floor.

I still haven't told the others, I want yours to be the first ears to hear that Pepper Potts is pregnant.

I want yours to be the first hands to touch Baby.

I want your eyes to be the first things she ever sees.

December 16 2012

Dear Tony,

It's the Maria Stark Foundation Christmas dinner tonight, and we're having a minutes silence for you. Janet made my dress; she just grinned at the sight of me but didn't ask questions, I think she's guessed. And you were wrong about Hank, he's lovely and those two are as madly in love as we once were.

I hate talking about you in the past tense.

December 21 2012

Dear Tony,

I did something stupid. Very very stupid and you're welcome to slap me for it when you wake up. Maybe this will wake you up.

I kissed someone else. And I think you can guess who.

I wonder what you'd have done if you'd ever caught me kissing someone else? I didn't want to when you were here, but you're not.

And I don't know if you ever will be.

Do you even remember when we first kissed? How much power was in it, my stubbornness and your overblown ego and it just felt so right. I wish I could have kept that moment for the rest of my life. I knew you loved me.

Do you still love me?

December 25 2012

Dear Tony,

Merry Christmas!

I still hate this holiday, it's one thing that you won't win on, I won't ever learn to like Christmas no matter how much you insist I should. I did everything you'd planned, why was Christmas the only thing you could ever plan in advance? I never thought it was that important but you always did. I did your Christmas shopping like you asked, well, you didn't ask but I assumed you'd need it doing.

Thor is enjoying a year's supply of pop tarts already.

January 4 2013

Dear Tony,

I knew I shouldn't have left you. The doctors took my hands and told me today.

They don't think you're going to wake up.

Only a miracle will save you.

I'm going to find one.

Don't go yet.

I can anything, remember?

.

January 10 2013

Dear Tony,

I'm trying my best. I'll find a miracle.

I love you.

Please.

Please don't do this to me.

.

January 11 2013

Dear Tony,

You're leaving me aren't you? You look worse, tired. Did I wear you out that much?

I'm sorry I was such hard work.

I'm so sorry.

.

January 12 2013

Dear Tony,

Please.

Please.

Another day.

Just hold out for one more day.

.

January 13 2013

Dear Tony,

I found one, I found you a miracle. Bruce found something to kick start the arc reactor.

You're coming back to me.

.

January 14 2013

Dear Tony,

Breathe.

Just breathe.

I'm sat here, holding your hand, praying this will work.

Someone up there needs to listen to me.

I can't lose you.

.

January 15 2013

Dear Tony,

It worked.

The wires are coming off today.

But there's something wrong with bump.

Don't tell me I have to choose between you.

.

January 16 2013

Dear Tony,

I lost our baby. I lost that part of you that I've been clinging to for all these months. There was something wrong, excessive stress they called it, maybe it was for the best they hold me.

Don't let me lose you too.

Open your eyes.

Look at me, Tony.

I promise I won't shout.

.

January 17 2013

Dear Tony,

I'm sorry. We thought it would work.

You always swore science would solve everything.

But there's a little girl in heaven waiting for her daddy. Look after her for me, Tony Stark. Be a better father than Howard ever was.

.

January 26 2013

Dear Tony,

We had your funeral today, over the top, completely overblown and completely you. I could imagine you loving it, the attention and the music and the parties, it wasn't a sad affair, you would never have wanted that. We covered your coffin in roses and sang to you, do you know anyone else in heaven who had AC/DC rather than the funeral march?

I hope you like it up there. I was cleaning through your desk for your will and I found something, Where you planning on asking me to marry you? I wanted to ask you. I know you love the alternative. So the ring I bought you is on your right hand ring finger, the correct finger for an engagement ring, I know you didn't answer but I'll take it to mean yes.

So when you get to heaven, tell our girl I love her, and mommy is down here ruining a company and shouting at people and generally acting like the devil in high heels. (I know you used to call me that.) Look after her, look after yourself and go make a nuisance of yourself.

I love you Tony Stark.

I loved you.

Don't forget about me.

Pepper Potts.

X