*own nothing except for erin and alya, who are saucy? oh, and "Kathy" really should be the mom, Lucy, but the time this was written, we forgot and Kathy just stuck, seeing as though we based her on Kathy Lee Gifford. also, this is really crappily based on The Lost Boys plot, so you wouldn't get it unless you've seen the lost boys...*
(The gang of vampires is at the playground and getting into a confrontation with another gang of non-vampires.)
Marko: Yo, this is my swing now, foo.
Canadian foo 1: You wanna make something of it?
David (walks up): Yeah, yeah, maybe we do.
(4 Canadian fools, their Canadian whore, and Celine Dion step up)
Canadian foo 2: You'll have to get through us first.
Celine Dion: You better back off biyotch!
(The fat playground guard interferes with them.)
Guard: Hey, I don't want to see you punks around here again, you got that Marko?
Marko: Yeah, right, see ya.
(Dwayne does a series of mime movements and backflips)
Paul- Veeshqua, all right? Veeshqua.
(Later that night- the guard is seen walking to his car alone at night. He has a bad
feeling and runs to his car. He is unable to get in car and the scene ends with him
screaming and "My Heart Will Go On" playing.)
(Kathie is driving in her maroon mini van with Michael and Sam. They are listening to
oldies and driving to the new house. They stop on the way at a diner.)
Sam: Will you look at all this biotech? I can't believe we're living in this town.
Michael: Seraphine!
Sam: Huh?
Michael: Uh, I mean, Esperanto!
Kathie: Son, are you a flaming homo?
Michael: Mom! I told you to stop talking about my other life!
Sam: I can't believe it. My own brother, a dirty shit-sucking homosexual!
Michael: I'm not gay, okay? I had a girlfriend.
Sam: You mean Dolores? She was a transvestite!
Kathie: Really? She was so rugged!
Sam: Mom, you're a freak.
Kathie: Who wants me to sing a song?
(Within 3 seconds the diner is empty, except for Kathie who is singing show tunes with
Rosie O'Donnell.)
(Kathie and Sam are riding to the house with Michael riding behind on his scooter.
When they get up there, they see the Grandpa on the stairs, dead.)
Michael: Mom? I think he's dead.
Kathie: No, he is not. My daddy's always alive!
Sam: No mom, he's dead.
(The Grandpa starts to stir when Kathie shakes him violently. That ultimately kills him
and he really is dead.)
Michael: We need a new grand daddy!
Kathie: Yes, yes we do.
Sam: I'll take care of it!
(The next scene, Sam gets a new grandpa from the retirement center.)
(Michael and Sam are at a concert containing a sweaty saxophonist singing that he still
believes. The concert is at the Twinbrooke shopping center.}
Sam: What a joke, huh?
(Michael spots Star and Laddie dancing atop a phone booth. A magical phone booth.)
Sam: What are you staring at Michael? Are you staring at that whore and her little boy?
Michael: Shut up Sam.
Sam: I tell ya, I'm a victim of your sex glands.
Michael: Stay here, Sam.
Sam: Whatever, I'm going to Zany Brainy.
Michael: You said I was gay?
Sam: Go find your whore.
Michael: I'll do that.
Sam: Okay then.
Michael: Right.
Sam: See ya.
Michael: Toodles.
(Sam walks to Zany Brainy and starts looking at their selection of Barbies.)
Edgar: You're new here, right?
Sam: Yeah came here from San Dimas.
Alan: You should know a few things.
Sam: Like this town sucks?
Edgar: Yes, exactly.
Alan: Do you believe in vampires?
Sam: What like Dracula? And Marko?
Edgar: Yeah.
Sam: You guys are cah-razy.
Alan: We may be, but you won't get far in Fairfax with that kind of attitude.
Sam: Right.
Edgar: Here, take this (throws Sam a box).
Sam: I'm not into Dracula Barbies.
Edgar: Think of it as a survival guide.
Sam: Right.
(There's a commotion outside and you see that some hoodlums are stealing their hula-
hoops.)
Edgar and Alan: Hey! Come back here with our merchandise!
(Michael catches up with Star and Laddie)
Michael: Hey! I saw you dancing. What's your name?
Star: Star.
Michael: Oh, your parents too?
Star: What do you mean?
Michael: Ex-whores. I came this close to being called Exotic Treasure of Black Jack.
Instead they called me Michael.
Star: I like Michael, Michael's great.
(Michael looks over at a couple of showgirls getting a temporary tattoo.)
Michael: Ya know, I might wanna do that.
Star: It's a rip-off, I could do it for you, if you like.
Michael: Yeah that'd be great. You wanna go get some food?
Star: Sure.
Laddie: Yay! I get a new daddy!
(Razor scooters pull up beside them and start rearing up.)
David: Where ya going Star?
Star: With Michael, we're getting some food.
Laddie: And I'm getting a new daddy!
Marko (getting mad, sweating and foaming at the mouth): Get back here Laddie!
Laddie (starts to whimper): Yes master.
(Erin and Alya run in)
Erin: Leave him alone, Marko!
Alya: Yeah! We want you!
(Erin jumps on the back of Paul's scooter and Alya gets on Marko's scooter.)
(Dwayne motions for Laddie to come over with him.)
David: Get over here Star.
Star: Fine.
Michael: Star wants to be with me.
David: You know where the footbridge is?
Michael: I can't be your razor scooter.
David: I'm not asking you to be my razor scooter, freak. I just wanted you to keep up
with us.
(They ride on their scooters while "My Heart Will Go On" plays. Eventually Michael falls
and crap like that. They approach the crack shack and go in.)
Marko: This used to be a big pimpin' site until the big crack bust of '87. Since then, it's
been deserted.
(David motions for Marko to come over. Marko thinks that David wants him to make out
with so he grabs at him.)
David: No! You're not Star! I just wanted some Chinese food!
Marko: Just for a minute?
David: No!
Alya: C'mon Marko, I'll go with you. We'll have fun.
Erin: Hey there Paulie.
Paul: I'm not a parrot.
Erin: I'll tell you what you are!
Paul: Yes sir dude!
(Alya and Marko leave for a few minutes and come back--- without the Chinese food.)
David: Marko! The food!
Marko: Oh, right. (He magically zaps the food on the table. Dwayne mimes eating the
food.)
David: Try some Michael. Have some rice.
Michael: Okay. I guess I'll try some. (He takes some.)
David: How are the jellybeans, Michael?
Michael: Huh?
David: Jellybeans, Michael, you're eating jellybeans.
Michael: What? (Looks down and sees jellybeans) AHHH!
(Everyone starts laughing.)
Star: Leave him alone, guys.
Marko: It's just rice, Michael.
(The phone booth appears and Laddie and Star dance upon it.)
Ted: Dude, this isn't your phone booth, it's our time machine!
Marko: Wow, this is cool.
Bill: Most supremely excellent, dudes and whore!
Ted: Greetings. I am Ted Theodore Logan.
Bill: And I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire.
Erin: Wow! I'm in love.
Alya: Come now Marko, we must kill Star and Laddie.
Paul: But, Erin! We had something special! What can I do?
Erin: I ride with Bill now, Paul.
Paul: I wuv oo.
Erin: Shove it, Paul!
Bill: Leave her alone, you long haired dead guy!
Paul: You want some of this? Cuz I be willin to give it away (starts dancing)
(The rooms gives frightened squeal except Dwayne, who cowers in fear, holding Laddie
tightly.)
Ted: Dude, that's bogus.
Marko: Paul, we had a discussion about your dancing.
Paul: But I thought for this special occassion...
David: No. Go get the wine, Dwayne.
(Dwayne dances a jig, gives the bottle to David and bows, then jigs away)
David: Lovely, you see Paul? That's how you're supposed to dance!
(David sniffs his own blood and drinks it in a very creepy way.)
David: Have some Michael
.
Marko: I want some!
Star: Don't do it Michael, it's Kool-aid!
Michael: Yeah, Kool-Aid, right.
(The gang of vampires is at the playground and getting into a confrontation with another gang of non-vampires.)
Marko: Yo, this is my swing now, foo.
Canadian foo 1: You wanna make something of it?
David (walks up): Yeah, yeah, maybe we do.
(4 Canadian fools, their Canadian whore, and Celine Dion step up)
Canadian foo 2: You'll have to get through us first.
Celine Dion: You better back off biyotch!
(The fat playground guard interferes with them.)
Guard: Hey, I don't want to see you punks around here again, you got that Marko?
Marko: Yeah, right, see ya.
(Dwayne does a series of mime movements and backflips)
Paul- Veeshqua, all right? Veeshqua.
(Later that night- the guard is seen walking to his car alone at night. He has a bad
feeling and runs to his car. He is unable to get in car and the scene ends with him
screaming and "My Heart Will Go On" playing.)
(Kathie is driving in her maroon mini van with Michael and Sam. They are listening to
oldies and driving to the new house. They stop on the way at a diner.)
Sam: Will you look at all this biotech? I can't believe we're living in this town.
Michael: Seraphine!
Sam: Huh?
Michael: Uh, I mean, Esperanto!
Kathie: Son, are you a flaming homo?
Michael: Mom! I told you to stop talking about my other life!
Sam: I can't believe it. My own brother, a dirty shit-sucking homosexual!
Michael: I'm not gay, okay? I had a girlfriend.
Sam: You mean Dolores? She was a transvestite!
Kathie: Really? She was so rugged!
Sam: Mom, you're a freak.
Kathie: Who wants me to sing a song?
(Within 3 seconds the diner is empty, except for Kathie who is singing show tunes with
Rosie O'Donnell.)
(Kathie and Sam are riding to the house with Michael riding behind on his scooter.
When they get up there, they see the Grandpa on the stairs, dead.)
Michael: Mom? I think he's dead.
Kathie: No, he is not. My daddy's always alive!
Sam: No mom, he's dead.
(The Grandpa starts to stir when Kathie shakes him violently. That ultimately kills him
and he really is dead.)
Michael: We need a new grand daddy!
Kathie: Yes, yes we do.
Sam: I'll take care of it!
(The next scene, Sam gets a new grandpa from the retirement center.)
(Michael and Sam are at a concert containing a sweaty saxophonist singing that he still
believes. The concert is at the Twinbrooke shopping center.}
Sam: What a joke, huh?
(Michael spots Star and Laddie dancing atop a phone booth. A magical phone booth.)
Sam: What are you staring at Michael? Are you staring at that whore and her little boy?
Michael: Shut up Sam.
Sam: I tell ya, I'm a victim of your sex glands.
Michael: Stay here, Sam.
Sam: Whatever, I'm going to Zany Brainy.
Michael: You said I was gay?
Sam: Go find your whore.
Michael: I'll do that.
Sam: Okay then.
Michael: Right.
Sam: See ya.
Michael: Toodles.
(Sam walks to Zany Brainy and starts looking at their selection of Barbies.)
Edgar: You're new here, right?
Sam: Yeah came here from San Dimas.
Alan: You should know a few things.
Sam: Like this town sucks?
Edgar: Yes, exactly.
Alan: Do you believe in vampires?
Sam: What like Dracula? And Marko?
Edgar: Yeah.
Sam: You guys are cah-razy.
Alan: We may be, but you won't get far in Fairfax with that kind of attitude.
Sam: Right.
Edgar: Here, take this (throws Sam a box).
Sam: I'm not into Dracula Barbies.
Edgar: Think of it as a survival guide.
Sam: Right.
(There's a commotion outside and you see that some hoodlums are stealing their hula-
hoops.)
Edgar and Alan: Hey! Come back here with our merchandise!
(Michael catches up with Star and Laddie)
Michael: Hey! I saw you dancing. What's your name?
Star: Star.
Michael: Oh, your parents too?
Star: What do you mean?
Michael: Ex-whores. I came this close to being called Exotic Treasure of Black Jack.
Instead they called me Michael.
Star: I like Michael, Michael's great.
(Michael looks over at a couple of showgirls getting a temporary tattoo.)
Michael: Ya know, I might wanna do that.
Star: It's a rip-off, I could do it for you, if you like.
Michael: Yeah that'd be great. You wanna go get some food?
Star: Sure.
Laddie: Yay! I get a new daddy!
(Razor scooters pull up beside them and start rearing up.)
David: Where ya going Star?
Star: With Michael, we're getting some food.
Laddie: And I'm getting a new daddy!
Marko (getting mad, sweating and foaming at the mouth): Get back here Laddie!
Laddie (starts to whimper): Yes master.
(Erin and Alya run in)
Erin: Leave him alone, Marko!
Alya: Yeah! We want you!
(Erin jumps on the back of Paul's scooter and Alya gets on Marko's scooter.)
(Dwayne motions for Laddie to come over with him.)
David: Get over here Star.
Star: Fine.
Michael: Star wants to be with me.
David: You know where the footbridge is?
Michael: I can't be your razor scooter.
David: I'm not asking you to be my razor scooter, freak. I just wanted you to keep up
with us.
(They ride on their scooters while "My Heart Will Go On" plays. Eventually Michael falls
and crap like that. They approach the crack shack and go in.)
Marko: This used to be a big pimpin' site until the big crack bust of '87. Since then, it's
been deserted.
(David motions for Marko to come over. Marko thinks that David wants him to make out
with so he grabs at him.)
David: No! You're not Star! I just wanted some Chinese food!
Marko: Just for a minute?
David: No!
Alya: C'mon Marko, I'll go with you. We'll have fun.
Erin: Hey there Paulie.
Paul: I'm not a parrot.
Erin: I'll tell you what you are!
Paul: Yes sir dude!
(Alya and Marko leave for a few minutes and come back--- without the Chinese food.)
David: Marko! The food!
Marko: Oh, right. (He magically zaps the food on the table. Dwayne mimes eating the
food.)
David: Try some Michael. Have some rice.
Michael: Okay. I guess I'll try some. (He takes some.)
David: How are the jellybeans, Michael?
Michael: Huh?
David: Jellybeans, Michael, you're eating jellybeans.
Michael: What? (Looks down and sees jellybeans) AHHH!
(Everyone starts laughing.)
Star: Leave him alone, guys.
Marko: It's just rice, Michael.
(The phone booth appears and Laddie and Star dance upon it.)
Ted: Dude, this isn't your phone booth, it's our time machine!
Marko: Wow, this is cool.
Bill: Most supremely excellent, dudes and whore!
Ted: Greetings. I am Ted Theodore Logan.
Bill: And I'm Bill S. Preston Esquire.
Erin: Wow! I'm in love.
Alya: Come now Marko, we must kill Star and Laddie.
Paul: But, Erin! We had something special! What can I do?
Erin: I ride with Bill now, Paul.
Paul: I wuv oo.
Erin: Shove it, Paul!
Bill: Leave her alone, you long haired dead guy!
Paul: You want some of this? Cuz I be willin to give it away (starts dancing)
(The rooms gives frightened squeal except Dwayne, who cowers in fear, holding Laddie
tightly.)
Ted: Dude, that's bogus.
Marko: Paul, we had a discussion about your dancing.
Paul: But I thought for this special occassion...
David: No. Go get the wine, Dwayne.
(Dwayne dances a jig, gives the bottle to David and bows, then jigs away)
David: Lovely, you see Paul? That's how you're supposed to dance!
(David sniffs his own blood and drinks it in a very creepy way.)
David: Have some Michael
.
Marko: I want some!
Star: Don't do it Michael, it's Kool-aid!
Michael: Yeah, Kool-Aid, right.