Her white blank page

and a swelling rage, rage

You did not think when you sent me to the brink, to the brink

You desired my attention, but denied my affections, my affections

Sometimes Artemis thought of the night she chose life on this ship. Sometimes she thought of the way Wally had looked when she told him she was going; the pleading in his voice for her not to go, to stay with him to live out normal lives, like they had always wanted. But Artemis always knew she was nothing more than a kid playing house, she belonged to that costume just as much as the arrows belonged to her.

Guiltily, she would sometimes think of the day Dick had asked her to join his charade. Under the guise of a friendly appointment for coffee with an old highschool friend, he spoke in hushed tones, wary of the other patrons; a trait he had obviously inherited from his mentor.

He had explained to her that she was the only one he trusted enough to go under with Kaldur.

She had asked why not Wally, why her but it was all in his look.

Somewhere between revealing his secret identity and the combat practice and staying up late on the phone talking about calculus homework and the moonlit rooftops of Gotham; Dick trusted her more. She had sipped her tea evenly, hiding her obvious delight in both that fact and the prospect of putting the costume back on, fighting the good fight.

After a long moment of comfortable silence, he had grabbed her hand and she had looked up and his eyes had shone with a fierceness that startled her. Still she didn't let go of his hand.

She hadn't let go of his hand and she hadn't argued when he payed the bill. Had easily followed him down the streets to the nearest zeta beam, hadn't said a word when he entered coordinates for Bludhaven.

He lead her, just as he seemingly always had, even when he was a small, flighty 13 year old with nothing but the night sky in his view. Still grasping her hand, he took the short walk to his apartment, and still she had said nothing.

When he closed the door behind her and pushed her against the door and looked at her with those eyes, all she managed was a nod. He kissed her mouth with that fierceness and she found her mouth matching his.

She and Wally had always been passionate, like gun powder and an open flame. But Dick had an underlying sweet, earnestness that she could only compare to a child with his safety blanket.

Her hands had found their way into his hair of their own accord, and Dick's hands were slipping under her shirt and his mouth is making it's way down the column of her throat. She was gasping as if she couldn't breathe, or had just started to really breathe.

A heat crept into her abdomen and she reveled in the familiarity of it as well as the newness. Dick clung to her; as if she was essential, as essential as water and breathing.

He picked her up and she wrapped her legs around his waist naturally, like instinct. That's all they ever were, instinct after instinct; the instinct to trust him, the instinct to follow him, the instinct to love him. They didn't make it to the bed the first time. The second time they barely finished on top of his sheets. It was after the third time that Wally called.

"Hey Babe" he answered the phone cheerfully and Artemis felt ice leak into her gut, Dick's head across it, his arms wrapped tightly around her waist as he snored lightly.

"Hey" she managed, trying to sound happy and not sick to her stomach. "Dick had something really important to ask me" she remembered. "But we'll talk about it at home"

"Sure thing, I got your favorite take out on the way, so be back soon" she could hear the smile in his voice and she wanted to throw up.

"Thanks babe, be home soon" she managed to hold off the stinging in her eyes till she hung up. She let the silent tears dry on her face, her cheeks felt tight like a sad little girl's after crying.

She knew she couldn't stall any longer, she tried to get Dick to let go and he stirred immediately. He removed his arms from her waist, propping his head up on his elbows on the sheets beside her. There was no joy in his face, just the lingering seriousness in his eyes.

"You have to leave" It wasn't a question but Artemis answered anyways.

"Wally called" her voice cracked a little and she inwardly cursed it. They both got dressed in uncomfortable quiet as Artemis tried to hold off more tears. Dick looked solemn, his face held no smirk, his eyes no sparkle. Artemis couldn't help but blame herself for that too.

They walked the block in continued silence, keeping their distance from one another. When they finally reached the zeta tube, Artemis went to punch in the code for Palo Alto and Dick grabbed her wrist, stopping her, he pulled her a little closer.

"I just had to..." he trailed off, uncharacteristically speechless. "If I was going to send you in there" her started again, breathing deeply before continuing "I wanted to have this, with you" he held her hand to his chest. Artemis nodded, not quite looking in his eyes and swiftly turned towards the zeta-beam.

Sitting at the bottom of the ocean she wonders now if she chose this as her own punishment, her self-imposed exile from the small paradise she and Wally had created. She wondered if Wally would move on if she died in this mission. Or if this was always the only option; for her, for Dick, for Wally.

I am on a roll with this angsty stuff huh. Hope you enjoyed it

White Blank Page by Mumford and Sons