WARNING:

The following fanfic is a parody of Digimon Adventure, 02, Tamers, Frontier, Savers, Digimon World, and the Digimon Franchise in general. It contains anime jokes, western cartoon jokes, video game jokes, music jokes, poop jokes, sex jokes, New Yorker jokes, black people jokes, Mexican jokes, Jew jokes, Muslim jokes, French jokes, Irish jokes, Chinese jokes, Japanese jokes, cheap pop culture jokes, and the excessive sucking of David Draiman's million dollar cock.

Oh, and swearing. This fanfic is going to have a fuck-load of swearing right out the tits.

This is in no way related to the Last Spartan, as this fanfic makes the Last Spartan look good. Seriously. 1,000+ reviews for some Halo / Mass Effect crossover by a guy who can't keep his past / present tenses straight? While fanfic masterpieces like "Time of Ending: the 40K Finale" don't even have 30 reviews to their name?

Shame on you. Shame on you for having shitty taste in fanfiction.

Bottom-line: this particular fanfic should not be taken too seriously. Enjoy.

...

Just Stop

Enough of the limitless critical comments

On My Life!

Just Drop

The judgement and all of your pseudo-involvement

In My Life!

Sit Back

A moment, and look at the miracle started

In Our Life!

Don't Stop

The moment, and let the incredible happen

Knowing that

All that you want,

Is to criticize something for nothing!

And all that I want,

Is forgiveness one more time

To be the BEST IN THE WOOOOORRRRLLLDDD!

Jack had the complete Ten Thousand Fists album blaring through his headphones as he lied in his bed, mostly because he had already listened to Asylum and Indestructible a lot lately and decided to blow the dust off an old favorite.

But even now, it was hard to enjoy the album in all its glory. Summer vacation had come and gone, and there were only a few weeks left before school started again. Trying to enjoy this album was like trying to enjoy your last meal. Yeah, it was awesome, but it didn't change the fact that your life was about to be forcibly ripped away from you.

Still, 14-year-old Jack Mason supposed it wasn't all bad. This year would be the year that he finally entered high school. Finally, he'd leave behind all those middle school retards and dipshits and be around MATURE people for a change. And by "mature," he meant "capable of rubbing two brain cells together." Plus, his best friend Tibe would be coming home from military school (where he had to spend his summer vacation, the poor bastard) and would be attending the same high school as him, as well as Jessica and Dexter too. Jessica had spent the summer in France with her grandparents, and that only left Dexter, who hardly ever went outside. As a result, Jack had been a little lonely this summer, but once school started again, the gang would be all together again.

"I digivolve my Mammothmon to..."

"Oh crap."

"SKULLMAMMOTHMON! BEHOLD MY UNRELENTING UNDEAD FURY!"

Until then, Jack would have to deal with the same old crap at home. He grunted as he took his headphones off, turned off his stereo, and leered at the wall beside his bed, knowing that Jimmy and his little DigiDork friend Todd were playing that stupid card game. Again.

Jimmy was Jack's younger 10-year-old brother. He was a good kid...except for that one thing. That one thing younger siblings do that drive their older counterparts up the wall. In the case of Jimmy Mason, that one thing was his love of Digimon. The anime's, the manga's, the video games, everything.

And Jack hated it. Every time he heard that anime's God damn theme song, it just made Jack want to put a gun to his head and pull the trigger...again and again until that theme stopped playing in his head and he would finally know some peace. And then there's the video games. Jimmy owns every one ever made, or at least very nearly, but they're all crap. Jack wasn't big on RPG's to begin with, but holy crap, the Digimon World games were bad even by RPG standards. But Jimmy was so blinded by his rampant fanboyism that he couldn't see it, or didn't want to.

Generally, Jimmy loved Digimon, and Jack hated Digimon.

Jack got up out of his bed and ran a hand through his short, dirt-blonde hair. He was wearing jean shorts and a white t-shirt, same wardrobe as usual when he was home. He was a creature of habit like that. He walked out of his own room and marched down the hall towards Jimmy's. He kicked down the door and did what needed to be done.

He pointed a finger at Jimmy and Todd.

NNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEERRRR RRRRRRDDDDDDDSSSSSSSSSSS!

Satisfied that Jack got his point across, he slammed the door shut and strutted back towards his room.

...

New York City. It was, hands down, the most famous city in the world. Who didn't know of all the big flashing signs of times square? Who didn't know about the proud cultural heritage of Harlem? And of course, who could not recognize the empire state building and the statue of liberty?

This was the home city of the Mason family. You'd be surprised how quickly one becomes jaded with all those impressive sights when one actually LIVED in the city long enough.

The Masons didn't actually live in the city though. They lived in the Bronx, specifically Kingsbridge, a working class residential neighborhood in the northwest part of the Bronx, right on the border with the northernmost tip of Manhatten island. The family went on routine excursions to Manhatten every few weeks, since it was right across the river from them, but for the most part, they were your fairly typical All-American family. Well, as typical as one could get living in NYC of all cities.

The Mason house was an average sized, two-story home. From the front door, the stairs were dead ahead, leading to three bedrooms; one for Jimmy, one for Jack, and the biggest for Mr. and Mrs. Mason; and one bathroom. On the right side of the house was the dining room, to the left was the living room, and in the back was the kitchen.

In the dining room, Jack was enjoying a bologna sandwich he made while his mother was just finishing up the dishes. His father was on patrol in Manhatten. He was a police officer with the NYPD, and Mrs. Mason worked as a part-time landscaper. Jimmy was currently visiting his friend Todd, who lived just across the street. Jack's mother, a woman with long brunette hair and a sweet smile, took a seat at the auburn table opposite from Jack.

"Jack, we need to talk." Jack's mom began.

"About what?" Jack asked before taking a bite of his sandwich.

"About Jimmy." His mother stated. "You seem to pick on him a lot."

"I don't pick on him." Jack said with a mouth full of bologna and a dismissive wave.

"Yesterday, you pulled an ogre on him." she pointed out.

"...Okay, maybe I pick on him a little." Jack admitted as he swallowed. "But I'm his older brother. It's kind of my job." He added with a shrug as he took another bite of his bologna. He swallowed. "Look, he's been into Digimon for three years now. Don't you think he's getting a little old for it?"

"He's only ten, Jack. Cut him some slack." Jack's mom said.

Jack held up a finger, signaling his mom to wait while he finished his sandwich. Once he had successfully crammed what was left into his mouth and then managed to chew and swallow it all without choking, he gave his reply. "Look, Mom, I love Jimmy as much as a brother should love his younger counterpart. THAT'S why I'm ribbing on him about his Digimon fetish so much. I'm worried that, if this keeps up, he'll wind up like Larry."

...

3 months earlier...

...

"Hello Jack!" Larry, the school nerd said as he approached Jack while he was at his. There was a reason he was considered the school nerd. He was fat, had zits all over his face, spoke with a lisp, wore glasses, braces AND a pocket protector, and quite frankly, he was ugly. Not even the A/V club wanted him.

"So, what are your plans for your summer vacation? Mine are to spend a month in Star Trek camp. I've been working on my Klingon and everything! Also, been working on my Sailor Moon fanfiction! Will Sailor Mars finally admit her feelings to Sailor Jupiter? Only one way to find out! HEHEHEHEHEHEH *snort* HEHEHEHEHEHEHE *snort.*"

Jack paused.

"...Larry. What part of 'leave me the fuck alone' do you not understand?" Jack asked.

...

Present

...

"Look, Jack." the boy's mother began. "Jimmy is still a child. Yes, he's a little crazy about some franchise from Japan, but it's just a phase. It'll pass. Don't rush him to grow up. Let him enjoy his childhood while it lasts. He won't be ten forever, you know."

"...You're right." Jack said as he rubbed his chin in thought. "He won't..."

...

The Next Day...

...

"Come on..." Jack grumbled as he reached around under his bed. "Where are you...AH-HAH!"

Jack had thought a bit about what his mother had told him. And she was right. Jimmy wouldn't be ten forever. He will eventually grow out of his Digimon-liking phase.

So Jack decided that, if pulling ogres wouldn't work, perhaps accelerating the 'growing up' process will.

"Hello, Ms. November." Jack cackled as he pulled out a copy of Penthouse. "There's a boy in this house, and I need you to turn him into a man..."

Jack knew that, technically, what he was about to do was illegal. But then again, this was no worse than when Jack's uncle left this magazine here in the first place when he was visiting last month. 'Entry into manhood,' Uncle Joey had called it. Yes, Jack could go to jail for what he was about to do, but if it worked, he'd never have to hear 'DIGIMON - DIGITAL MONSTERS' ever again. He was willing to risk it.

He peeked out of his room and peered down the hallway to Jimmy's room. "Jimmy..." he practically sang. "I've got something I want to show you..."

A pause. No response.

"Jim?" Jack asked as he walked out of his room to take a peak inside Jimmy's. No one was there.

"Hey Mom!" Jack yelled.

"Yeah?!" Jack's mom yelled back.

"Where's Jimmy?!"

"He went to hang out at the park with Todd! He won't be back until four!"

"Oh! Okay!"

Jack stood there for a moment. He then looked down to the penthouse in his hand.

"...Eh." he said with a shrug. "Might as well." With that, he went into the bathroom with the porn magazine in hand.

...

After that was done, Jack went to his room to play some tetris on his gameboy. When 3:30 rolled around, Mrs. Mason asked him to go to the park and walk Jimmy home. With a sigh of resignation, he agreed to the task and set out.

The park was your pretty typical neighborhood park. It had a jungle gym, a swing set, a merry-go-round, perfect for little kids to get all the energy out of their system while their parents took a nap on the park bench. Jack sighed and rolled his eyes, immediately knowing where he could find Jimmy.

In the middle of the park was a big blue plastic hollowed out turtle. Smaller kids like Jimmy would be able to crawl inside the big turtle's shell and use it as a fort or a club house or something. Jimmy and his friends used it to play Digimon, away from the prying eyes of...well...people like Jack who would point at them and yell 'nerds.' Jack crawled into the plastic turtle's gut.

Inside, Jimmy was sitting against a wall, all of his digimon cards strewn across the floor, not surprising Jack in the least. He was holding one card in particular, and was staring blankly at it. He was wearing a yankees baseball cap, his favorite hat. "Hm?" Jimmy said as he saw Jack climb in. "Oh. Hey bro. Didn't hear ya."

Jack's eyes darted between the cards on the floor, the card in Jimmy's hand, and Jimmy himself. "Okay. I'll bite. What are you doing?"

"Oh...just thinkin'." Jimmy replied with a shrug.

"About what?" Jack asked.

"Well...This may sound crazy, but sometimes I wonder if digimon are real." Jimmy stated.

Jack paused. "...What." he said.

"I know, but follow me on this one." Jimmy began. "Maybe digimon are real and everything, from the mangas to the animes to the card games, everything is all part of an elaborate cover-up to keep digimon a secret. See, the franchise keeps digimon a secret because, well, who would think of all these kooky monsters as being real, right? So that got me thinkin', if digimon are real, so are digimon tamers. So I've been holding this digivice card here, see?"

Jimmy then showed Jack the card he was holding; a digivice card. "And I've been trying to see if I can turn it into a digivice or a blue if I wish hard enough. Then I could be a tamer, just like in the anime's! I mean, that's what happened to Takato in the beginning of Digimon Tamers. Digi-gnomes sensed how much he loved digimon and so gave him a blue card which he then swiped through his card reader and turning it into a digivice."

"...Okay, that is it." Jack said. "I have to look at deformed animals that look like they came back from a crappy tatoo parlor every time I enter the living room whenever you've got the TV. I have heard 'Kids in America' 'Run Around' and several other equally annoying bubblegum pop songs more times than I care to count. I would rather rip out my ankle tendons and skip rope with them then hear a digimon cry out its attack one more God damned time. Which, by the way, is HIGHLY impractical in a real life fight. Shouting 'Nova Blast' usually warns the enemy that a big-ass fireball is on its way and the enemy would take steps to avoid the attack accordingly. That horned T-rex wouldn't stand in a chance in today's combat environment, where surprise is everything. And NOW you're telling me that you sometimes like to sit alone in here hoping the friggin' blue fairy from Pinocchio will fly in here and turn that card you're holding into a real-life gameboy ripoff. That cover it?"

"...Actually, Bandai came out with the digivice before Nintendo came out with the gameboy." Jimmy replied. "So you've actually got it backwards as to who ripped off whom."

"...Gimme that!" Jack snapped as he lunged at his little brother and snatched the digivice card from his hands.

"Hey! Give it back!" Jimmy yelled as he and his brother started wrestling each other over the card. After a few minutes, Jack eventually pinned Jimmy down in a headlock.

"Look Jim!" Jack snapped. "It's a card! It's not going to turn into anything that's NOT a card just by saying 'I wish this card was a real life digi-"

*FLASH*

"AUGH! SON OF A BITCH! MY EYES!"

The inside of the plastic turtle was filled with a pure white light as the digivice card suddenly began glowing. It slipped out of Jack's grasp and floated up into the air. Jim and Jack, frozen from shock in mid-struggle (Jimmy still stuck in Jack's headlock), looked on in muted awe. Then, the card began to slowly change its silhouette. When the transformation was complete, it stopped glowing.

The card had turned into a digivice.

It then fell from the air and plopped onto the floor. Jack and Jimmy just stared at it.

"...I swear to God Jimmy, if you even THINK about saying 'I told you so,' I will put a violent end to the short, sad saga that was your life.