Enduring Scars

Rating: T

Pairing: Gibbs/Abby

Disclaimer: NCIS, it's characters etc are not mine, this is purely for fun.

Timeline: Set during season 4, after Gibbs returns from Mexico and his 'retirement' and went back to work at NCIS.

Chapter 1 – Running Scared

It was the all-consuming sense of loneliness that struck him first, followed by the despair of feeling lost and not knowing how to find his way home, to where he belonged.

It was as if everything he knew and loved had been taken away from him and he was powerless to stop it.

Waves gently crashed onto the shore behind him, the usually calming sound of them breaking doing little to sooth the inner turmoil raging through his head and heart.

He'd left everything behind, at least for a while, and retreated to a place where he knew he could find the solitude he needed.

Although that isolation came with a price...in the form of Mike Franks, who now sat reclining on a deck chair, staring up at him with an unmistakable look of disbelief in his eyes.

"Not that I'm not happy to see you probie, but I didn't think you'd be back so soon."

Gibbs threw his bag down on the decking with a heavy sigh, noticing the collection of empty beer bottles next to Mike's chair. For mid-afternoon, Mike had already made a decent start on his daily alcohol intake, and Gibbs was certain with the way he felt it wouldn't take him long to catch up.

"Needed to get away for a bit."

Gibbs collapsed into the vacant chair beside Mike, closing his eyes against the harshness of the sun as his head fell back.

The instant he closed his eyelids, Gibbs saw her flash into his mind and he tried to bite back the heartache that he'd been fighting against for days.

She was the reason he was here, and she was the one who was slowly beginning to tear him apart inside.

Abby, his girl, without even realizing what she was doing, had taken over his life.

She was at the forefront of his thoughts every waking hour, and she consumed his dreams when he managed to sleep. She had become everything to him, but Gibbs couldn't have her, not like he wanted. He was willing to give her everything he had left to give, but why would she ever want a man still dealing with the fragments of his past, who had nothing to offer but himself?

"That director of yours isn't givin' you grief already is she?" Mike asked, bringing Gibbs out of his thoughts.

"Always, it's what she does best," Gibbs smirked, trying to hide his hurt.

Even with the history between he and Jenny Shepard, Gibbs had complete faith in her ability to do her job. They butted heads frequently and weren't afraid to make their opinions clear, but it was what kept them on their toes and Gibbs had never been one to let authority stop him, not when he knew he was right.

"But it's not why you're here?" Mike prompted, sitting forward in his chair to look at Gibbs.

"Nope."

"Well are you gonna tell me why you're here then? And don't say it's to see me...my Gibbs bullshit meter still functions perfectly even after a few drinks."

Gibbs turned to face Mike, his mentor's expression unreadable apart from the determined stare. "You always interrogate your guests like this the minute they arrive?"

Mike lifted the bottle in his hand to his mouth, swallowing the remainder of his beer. "You ain't no guest probie, and the sooner you give me an answer, the sooner we can get some peace and quiet and I can get back to drinkin'."

Gibbs looked out onto the ocean, the water and sky meeting up in the far distance. The endlessness of the various shades of blue provided him with nothing but more emptiness. He had no idea how to answer Mike. He wasn't ready to talk about what had happened with Abby and he also wasn't sure if he wanted to admit deep down that what he had with her was over. Letting her go wouldn't be easy and the longer he thought about it, the more it tore at his heart.

"Guess you're gonna be waiting for that next beer for a while then," Gibbs finally answered, stretching his arms up and linking his fingers behind his head.

Mike rolled his eyes and got to his feet before retreating inside. Gibbs heard the fridge open, followed by the sound of clinking bottles. He wasn't sure getting drunk was the best option, but for now he had no better ideas on how he could forget Abby.

Lowering one of his hands, he tried to massage some of the tension from his forehead with his thumb and forefinger. If he was completely honest with himself, Gibbs knew he didn't want to forget her...he never could, it was more about changing how he thought and felt about her. He needed to get some perspective on where Abby fit into his life and he couldn't do that if he had to see her every day.

He and Abby had only been seeing each other for a couple of months, though they hadn't actually been in a relationship. It was purely physical, or at least that was the way it had started, Gibbs had had feelings for her for a while.

After pieces of his memory had started to come back while he'd been staying with Mike in Mexico, he slowly became aware of the connection he had with Abby before the accident. Dealing with the loss of Shannon and Kelly again had caused him almost unbearable pain that he didn't think he'd be able to survive, but through all the agony, Abby had begun to filter into his heart. He started to remember the way he felt about her, and those emotions and reactions he had towards her only continued to get stronger.

It was that same intense pull that Abby had over him that had been his downfall. All it had taken was a hug and a kiss from her one night after a difficult case had been closed and Gibbs had been unable to stop himself.

He'd been working down in his basement when Abby had dropped in to check he was okay, the warmth and softness of her body pressing into his as she'd tried to ease the day's tension had instantly shattered his self-control. Consumed by his desire for her, Gibbs had given in to his need and in a flurry of discarded clothing, hungry kisses and urgent touching they'd ended up having sex against his boat.

Since then, they'd been together many times, though neither of them had said where they thought things were going between them. Gibbs had been too scared that he'd push her away if he told her he wanted more than something physical, so he'd kept his mouth shut, content to accept whatever Abby was willing to give him just so he could be with her.

Twisting his neck to look up at Mike when he sensed the older man looming behind him, Gibbs took the beer he offered and quickly removed the cap so he could have a mouthful.

"Must've been a long trip." Mike raised his eyebrow as he watched Gibbs gulp down the cold drink.

"Yep."

"Left in a hurry too by the looks of ya."

Franks looked him over, prompting Gibbs to look down on himself. He'd been in such a rush to leave before anyone noticed he was gone, that he still had on the clothes he'd worn to work the day before. He'd called Jenny from the airport once he'd managed to get a flight, merely telling her he was taking a week off for personal reasons. His cell phone had been switched off ever since.

"What can I say, your company is so enlightening I couldn't wait to get here." Gibbs took another swig from his beer, hoping the cool liquid would soon start to ease his anxiety.

"What, or who, you running from, Gibbs?"

The question took Gibbs by surprise and he almost choked on his beer. Clearing his throat roughly he sat forward on the chair to try and buy himself some time.

Maybe coming here wasn't such a good idea after all.

"My own stupidity..." he mumbled, hoping that would be enough to satisfy Mike. If he knew that neither of them was under any kind of physical threat, he might let the issue drop.

But unfortunately Mike had other ideas, and as much as Gibbs had come to stay with Mike to have some time away from Abby, he couldn't help but subconsciously wonder if he was seeking out Franks' guidance in trying to get over his feelings for Abby.

"Did you tell her how you felt?"

Gibbs shook his head; was he really that predictable when it came to Abby? He should've known Mike would figure out the cause of his distress.

What most people feared, Gibbs lived with on a daily basis, it was the things he had no control over that scared him more, and Mike had known him long enough to understand exactly what those things were.

He felt the sharp pain of regret and anguish pierce right through him at Mike's words. If only it was that simple.

Gibbs rested his elbows on his knees, his fingers sliding across the glass bottle in his hand. Because his feelings for Abby had first surfaced last time he was in Mexico, Mike had been there to watch on as Gibbs tried to work his way through the realization that he was in love with her.

"It's not that easy," Gibbs admitted quietly.

"Course it is, you always make things more difficult than they need to be."

"I tried..." Gibbs trailed off when he wasn't sure how to tell Mike he'd been sleeping with Abby and because of that, and his hidden feelings for her, their friendship had suffered in the process.

Mike Franks was by no means a saint, but it was his thoughts of Abby that Gibbs didn't want tainted. As far as Gibbs was concerned he only had himself to blame for everything that had happened with Abby. By trying to get closer he'd pushed her away...and that had been his main reason for not telling her how he really felt. If Gibbs told her he was in love with her, there was every chance she'd want nothing to do with him. He couldn't take the rejection from her.

"Tried what probie? All I know is that you're here and she's not...you actually care about her, unlike the three ex Mrs Gibbs', but you're gonna let her go just as easily."

Gibbs wasn't even sure that she was his to let go. Once he'd started to become aware of the ramifications of them having sex but trying to remain distant, he knew he had to put an end to what they were doing. He wanted her as a partner, but if he couldn't have that he needed her as a friend.

As much as he was drawn to her body and all the pleasure it brought him, Gibbs craved the special bond he'd always had with her heart and mind...and the longer they enjoyed the needs of their bodies, the more Gibbs felt that bond weakening.

He'd been waiting on a sign from Abby, something to show him that what they had was more than physical. But as each day went on, Abby gave no indication that she needed or wanted anything more than what she was getting.

He'd taken small amounts of comfort during their times together, but the longer it went on the harder Gibbs tried to put up walls to protect himself. He tried to distance himself emotionally in the hopes that one day Abby would return his feelings, but weeks later it seemed like the things he wanted so badly to see were never going to happen.

Still reeling from the events of the last few months, Gibbs found his courage to risk everything to be with her had abandoned him. So he dwelled on it, brooded on it, until it got to the stage where he was unable to cope with it.

It was obvious to him the strain they were putting on their friendship was beginning to take its toll. They'd had misunderstandings and meaningless arguments about the most trivial things both at work and after hours, and it was the last thing Gibbs wanted.

Abby would always be special to him, and he refused to let his lack of control drive her away from him. Gibbs didn't want her to be another casualty of his insecurities and self-doubt...he had to do what was best for her.

A week ago he'd told Abby that they couldn't be together like this anymore and that outside work he needed some time apart from her. What he couldn't tell her was why; that he constantly waged a war within himself, overcome by numbness because he had to hold so much in, while at the same time his emotions were thrown into chaos because he felt so much.

He'd never be able to forget the look of confusion on her beautiful face when he'd said he needed space, the way her shoulders had sagged and she seemed frozen in place. Her eyes had glazed over and Gibbs knew it was taking all of her effort to hold back tears.

She'd always felt things deeply, but by ending things now it would save them both even greater devastation later. While she might be upset the physical part of their relationship was over, Abby would get over it...she'd get over not having that with him anymore.

In theory, Gibbs had no doubt their separation would give him the time to clear his head as well return their friendship to its previous state. But in reality, it had done the opposite. Gibbs knew he'd upset her with his sudden change of heart, and their distance from one another during the last week had only served to exacerbate his possessiveness of her.

While he'd spent hours brooding in his basement, Abby had gone out at night...and Gibbs assumed, on dates as well. The speed in which he thought she'd replaced him had churned in his gut, tormenting his already fractured state of mind until he could take it no more and his jealousy won out.

He had been waiting on the stairs to her apartment when she got home last night, his intentions and what he was going to say to her unclear even to himself until the words had actually left his mouth. What had started off as an argument about Gibbs mistrusting her, and Abby accusing him of shutting her out had ended in fast and furious sex on the floor of Abby's apartment.

Gibbs knew it had to be the last time, so once he'd carried her into bed and watched her fall asleep he'd left to go home and pack a bag. Leaving Abby wasn't what he wanted, but things needed to go back to the way they were. He had to protect her, even if that meant saving her from himself.

Downing the rest of his beer in one go Gibbs sighed as he collapsed back in his chair. "Don't wanna let her go, but she's moving on...I need to do the same, or I'll lose her completely."

TBC...