I know, I know. I'm a terrible person. Let me have it. You can yell all you want. I have no excuse, unless you count laziness as one….which you probably don't. I know I wouldn't, and since I'm smart and hopefully you are too, you should agree with me. And if not, agree to disagree. But yeah, sorry again. I was going to make it longer, but Psych is starting and so I have to go. Bye!

Chapter 15

I was still wrapped up in my thoughts when the door banged open. "Clary, where are you?" I heard Jace call. I internally sighed. Don't get me wrong, I love Jace. I really do, but lately I just find myself wanting to be alone with me, myself, and I. I honestly don't know why, but then again, do feelings ever make sense? My mom used to tell me that your heart and feelings help guide you through life.

Bullshit.

My feelings just confuse me more, and then why I try to figure out why I'm confused, I just get more confused. Confusing, right?

"Yeah, up here," I responded.

I heard footsteps coming up the stairs, and the swooshing of the door open. A small part of me just wanted to yell at him to go away, but the bigger part was telling me not to be stupid, that he really hasn't done anything wrong. And he hasn't. I know it's me, but the stress is just getting me. I feel like I'm suffocating to the point where it's pulling me down under, to where I can't breathe. That place is eerie, with a very dark, depressing feel to it, and even though it soothes me to go down there and join it, I've always just ignored it in the past. I've never been one to feel depressed, but then again I'm feeling things that I've never felt before too. I haven't felt like myself in so long. I miss me; if that makes sense. It's like watching a movie with a predictable ending. We all know how this movie will end, even if we don't like the ending.

Jace waves his hand in my face. "Hello?"

I blinked. "What?"

"You just kinda blanked out for a few minutes," he said with a smile that did quite reach his eyes.

"Oh, sorry. Just have a lot on my mind."

He nodded with understanding. We both sat in silence for the next few minutes, neither of us really feeling the need to speak. I felt more calm and collected when he was around. No matter how incredibly cheesy it sounds, he just makes me feel better and I'm not going to lie, it was nice.

After a while, we finally started speaking together. It was just like old times. Jace was telling me some ridiculously funny story, while I laid my head on chest laughing so hard it sometimes made me cry. "So then she started flirting with me, and made some sort of snobby comment about how the tomatoes should be in the fruit section, instead of near the vegetables, since they're a fruit. Then when I tried to explain it's because most Americans are idiots she smacked me! She screamed it was my fault for breaking up her and her ex. I understand why he broke her heart now. I almost asked her where her hospital bracelet for the incredibly insane people was."

I put my hand over my mouth to stop the infectious laughter trying to escape my lips.

It was then that my face went pale as a sheet, with a blank ghostly expression covering my face. I felt something odd. Something just wasn't right. I really can't explain it. It wasn't pain, just something… different. I closed my eyes trying to find the source of the oddness. It wasn't anywhere specific, just kind of all over.

I suddenly felt someone shaking me. "Clary? Clary, are you alright?"

"Yeah I fine," I responded confusion evident in my voice, when I realized that I was feeling fine. Did I just make that up? Did I even feel abnormal? Or am I just deluding myself into thinking I'm fine, because I want to be? I internally groaned. I really need to stop thinking so deeply.

He rolled his eyes. "Sureeee."

"Don't talk to me like that," I snapped.

His eyes held confusion, which quickly burned into white, hot anger. "Well, I'm sorry for caring. I'll make sure not to next time."

My eyes sobered. "Jace, I didn't mean it like that."

"Of course! You never mean it! It's excuse after excuse! I'm just trying to help you Clary! Why do you keep pushing me away? What's wrong with you? Or is it me? I wait I forgot! It's always me!" He roared.

My eyes went huge, as I recoiled away from him as far as possible. "Jace?" I asked in a small, unlike me voice.

"WHAT?" Jace shouted. He stare was burning hot, as I tried to look anywhere but him, but this only seemed to infuriate him more. "CLARY! Would you look at me when I'm talking to you?" He made a move to touch me, but I just recoiled further away from his touch. I have never in my life seen him this angry, or anyone for that matter. My movement seemed to bring him back to present, and what came flying out of his mouth. He was still seething with anger, but I could tell he was taking most of his self-control to contain his uncontainable emotions. Jace said in angry but desperately trying to mask it voice, "Look, I'm sorry I scared you, but I'm not sorry for the things I said. You keep pushing me away. You do realize that this affects me to right? Clary? Clary?"

One of my faults is always getting lost away with my thoughts. I think it comes with being an artist. You have to be able to kind of just draw whatever forms in your mind. You can't put too much thought into it, just draw free flowingly. Half of the battle is your mind, making it a gift and a curse. Did I also tell you I get off track... a lot?

I could see his patience was thinning. It's because you haven't answered. He asked you a question, idiot. I feel my face burning from embarrassment. "Uhhh, what was that again?"

He gave me an "are you kidding me?" type of face while face palming himself. I could still see the anger burning, but it had simmered down quite a bit. Thank God. He took a deep breath, then, "I know this has taken a big toll on you, but did you ever think of how this affects me?"

I was taken aback. At first, that was all I thought about. Not how it affected me, but Jace. Now it seemed that the roles were switched. I took a good look at him. He had bags under his eyes, lost quite a bit of weight, and radiated a confusing mix of hope and hopelessness. But what really shocked me the most was his eyes. I loved looking into Jace's eyes. They had such a complex composition it always left me in awe. His eyes always held mischief and cool, collected façade left for strangers, but if you knew him really well, like me, then you could see the burning compassionate love.

However now when I looked, they have dulled down a lot, leaving a desperate, but hopeful gaze in them. The love was still there, shining stronger than ever, but as I said earlier, it was coated with desperateness. A look that I placed there. A look that I can't change or make better. A look that absolutely crushed me.

I dropped my head. All of a sudden, guilt consumed me, filling me to the brim. I desperately wanted to make him better, shower him with sorrys, and beg for his forgiveness. He must have seen the look flash across my face because he immediately tried to reassure me that it was okay. That I did nothing wrong. That he was just stressed. But I didn't believe him. The words already suck in, leaving a guilt filled path in their wake. I felt terrible. The whole time I had been worrying about me, while Jace had to watch me day after day. Each day weaker than before. Each day inching closer to death than before.

I blocked out all of his reassurances. I didn't want to hear it. I pulled my head up, staring straight into his eyes trying to find any anger, disappointment, or hatred, but all I saw was love and compassion, with a smidge of grief. I don't know why but that made me mad. Like really mad. Before I did anything bitchy, I got up quickly and ran to the out the door. I know I needed to cool down, so I went outside and sat on the porch steps.

As I sat, gazing at the beautiful sky around me, I let my thoughts consume me again. I don't care if Jace forgives me. I need to forgive myself first, and I honestly don't know if I can do that. I know how crazy that sounds, but I feel guilty over everything. And when I say everything I mean everything. You're probably thinking, What's the big? Just let it go. If he can forgive you, so can you. But that's the thing, I can't. I can't explain it, but for guilt ridden people, they understand it whole heartedly. You feel like you can't let anything go, until that person fully convinces you that it's okay. Imagine how annoying that can be. I hate it, almost as much as I hate Christmas songs on the radio 3 months before Christmas (I seriously hate that. It's one of my pet peeves.)

I pulled my knees up to my chest and let the silent tears fall down my face. I heard my front door open and shut. I felt the weight on the step as Jace came behind me and sat down. He then set his hand on my back gently rubbing it up and down trying to soothe me. I didn't think I deserved it, but it felt so comforting I didn't say anything, or even show acknowledgment that I knew he was here. I just sat there, letting him calm down my emotions. Let me just say, it helped clear my mind a lot.

I looked up and stared him in the eyes. "I'm sorry," I said as tears spilled down my cheeks.

He just shook his head and replied, "Don't be." I didn't bother to respond. I didn't need to. He could see all my emotions pretty damn well. Although, I wasn't really trying to hide them.

I heard pounding footsteps on the sidewalk and glanced toward the noise. My face lifted a little at his little kid excitement. Simon ran up to us, but when he saw my tear dried cheeks and Jace's around me, he halted. A look of confusion, which quickly morphed to embarrassment displayed on his face. He rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly. "Umm... Am I interrupting something?"

I burst out laughing at his awkwardness. Simon's eyes narrowed at me. "Got anything to say, Fray?" He said while lifting any brow.

I narrowed my eyes. He knew I couldn't do that and that I freaking hated it when he rubbed it in that he could. "You know how much I hate when you do that."

Both eyebrows shot up, as a look of innocence crossed his face. "Do what?" I just shook my head. Simon smirked, knowing he won and said, "Anyway, I came to get you. We haven't hung out in a while. I was wondering if you wanted to have a Harry Potter marathon tonight."

My eyes lit up at the mention of my favorite book series. Simon and I read all of the books at the same time, and saw all of the movies together. We always used to watch them when one of us was down, or when we just wanted to spend time together. "Sure," I replied gleefully. He knew how much of an HP nerd I was.

He genuinely smiled and said, "Are you ready to go now?" I looked questioningly over at Jace who nodded. I smiled back at him, relief covering my face. We had spent so much time together. It would be good for both of us if we had some time apart.

I glanced over at Jace who was beginning to stand up. I skipped over to him and gave him a kiss on the lips. He smiled as we split apart. Jace was starting to walk away and I quickly called over to him, "I love you."

He turned back and slowly smiled before responding, "I love you, too."

It made my heart skip a beat. Even for as long as we have been together, he can still make my heart skip a beat with three simple words. I looked over at Simon. "Your house or mine?"

He looked at me thoughtfully before responding with a nod, "Mine."

Nodding, I took my hand in his and we began the long treacherous journey to his house.