A/N: Hello everybody! So you guys know Caitee, right? Super cute, super sweet, dang good little writer? Lover of all things pickles… Well after my one-shot "Logan Gets His Wiiiings!" she suggested I write something where Logan does a potty dance. Now this is waaaay outta my comfort zone, but you don't say 'no' to Caitee. You just don't. So, I wracked my addled little brain and here is the zany bit of horrible madness that came out. Yep. This is basically a story about urine. Because I can, and because it's Caitee. Those offended by BTR pee, be warned. Are you really still reading? M'kay. This is your last chance to turn backkkk…

Enjoy, Caitee! This one's for you. Throw me a nice funeral when I die of embarrassment! XP

Disclaimer: I do not own Big Time Rush.

PICKLE!

"Milkshakes!" Carlos shouted, leaping in excitement as he blurted out another proposition.

Kendall crinkled one sea-green eye, hand running across his middle thoughtfully; fingers floating over the fabric of his heather-gray Henley as he shook his head. "Oooh—stomachaches…"

"Smoothies!"

"Too filling..." James announced plainly, his eyes glued on the handsomeness reflecting in his favorite hand-mirror; fully engrossed in the strangely comforting sensation of tiny teeth massaging his scalp while his lucky comb smoothed every shimmering hair into what he deemed the swoop of perfection.

"Slushies!"

"Eh," Logan mused uncertainly, clicking away at his laptop. The clean-cut genius glanced up at Carlos, shrugging with honesty. "Not really feelin' the brain-freeze today…" His slender fingers grazed over the Ctrl+S key combination before snapping the computer closed on his lap.

"Soda!"

"Nah," James diverged, finally setting his plastic beauty companions aside in exchange for the TV remote. "It'd keep us up all night…"

Carlos hummed, puffing air out of his round cheeks in a moment of contemplation before finally shouting out the greatest 'logical' thing that came to his mind.

"Red Bull!"

The three other boys' heads snapped up at the lively Latino's ecstatic proposal; their jaws slack with amusement and disbelief.

"Even worse!" Kendall exclaimed disapprovingly, immediately shooting down the horrendous suggestion. "Dude—did you forget what happened last time?"

"IT WAS FUN!" Carlos cried happily; cocoa eyes full of light. Kendall face-palmed.

"Uh, yeah," James snorted, scoffing at his roommate's oblivion. "It was fun. UntilLo-GAN threw up everywhere!" The pretty boy flipped his hair, turning around and bugging his eyes out at the scrawny perpetrator with a teasing glare. Logan huffed defensively, slapping at the taller brunette while Kendall folded his arms knowingly, leaning against the counter with a lop-sided grin; his thick eyebrows spiked in remembrance of the mucky incident.

"Oh…" Carlos finally recalled, hamster wheels slowly turning again in his ADHD brain. His lips pursed together and he glanced down at his sneakers in mild embarrassment, focusing more effort into his thoughts.

The others came to stand beside him; arms crossed, eyes to the ceiling, fingers tapping their chins in like concentration.

They needed to think of something they could do for entertainment. Something with equal parts fun and idiocy. Hopefully this time without any broken bones, destroyed property, eternal groundings, or excessive vomit to clean up.

After all, boys had to be boys. Denying a teenaged male that basic right could equal their inevitable death. It was a well known fact. If they didn't party, they could die. Shirts and ties, tight dress shoes, things like that—might make them die. And if they couldn't enjoy a little good-natured rivalry among friends, if they didn't place the occasional bet or make wagers concerning superior sports ability, random acts of stupidity and dominance in all events involving or pertaining to disgusting bodily functions…

Well, then they might just die.

BTR did not want to die.

And so, here they were: Another day, another afternoon at apartment 2J, and yet another ridiculous competition for The Palm Woods' infamous, tight-knit, ultra-competitive, teenage boy quartet.

"Water-drinking contest!" Kendall yelled suddenly, with a loud snap of his fingers. His jade eyes gleamed as he pointed at the rest of the group for approval.

"Water?"

"Yeah! What could go wrong with water?" The leader declared, tearing open the door of the refrigerator, "Last one to pee wins!"

"Nooo," Logan moaned, "That's stupid…"

"Oh Logie, you're just mad you're gonna lose." Kendall *tsked*, not letting his roommate's wet-blanket attitude dampen his competitive spirit as he continued to dig through the chilly shelves and bins.

"Haha, yeah dude," Carlos chuckled, "First one out, every time!"

"Oh, don't pick on Logan, Carlos," James mock-scolded, wrapping his arm around the future doctor and giving him a playful shake, "this tiny body can only hold so much!" he sing-songed, before sticking his index finger out and tapping the frustrated brunette on the nose cutely; as if the shorter boy were a cuddly little stuffed animal instead of his very irritated, same-age peer. James giggled as Logan elbowed him roughly in the ribs, wrenching out of his grasp in annoyance.

"Shut up! You guys are always picking on me! –I could win if I wanted to!"

Kendall, Carlos, and James fell silent for beat, staring back at their flustered buddy, before bursting into a raucous fit of laughter at his high-strung declaration.

"No you couldn't!" Kendall chortled, finding his breath, "You couldn't last half an hour!"

Logan was mad now. "I could beat you. I could beat all of you if I had to!" He yelled, waving his hands around frantically at the other three. "—You wanna see?"

"Ooh, Logan. Are you making a bet?" James queried, interest peaked. This was a rare event.

The smart one clapped his hands against the kitchen counter, slowly leaning forward, expression devoid of all jesting. "Yes. YES, I AM." He glared up at his pals seriously, spitting the confirmation through his teeth.

"Make it worth my while."

"Okay…" Kendall mused. The leader crouched at the kitchen counter, eye-level behind a straight row of translucent, sweating water bottles; the slick condensation running down their foggy sides and forming rings around each where their bases met the countertop. "Here goes guys," His pale jade orbs appeared to dance behind the crystal liquid, distorted by the curve of the bottles he peered through, while twisting off each round, white cap; the thin bottle necks crackling under the pressure of his fingertips as he forced them to release. "The rules are simple." He flicked his fingers, cool little droplets splaying from the ends of their tips as he rose, wiping his hands down his jeans. "One hour to drink as many bottles as possible. Then, we wait."

The blonde walked around the counter, waving at the brimming containers with a Vanna White-esque flourish. "Logan, if anyone of us, ANYONE," he explained, pointing between Carlos, James, and himself, "pees before you do, we'll give you twenty dollars. A piece." Kendall grinned wryly. "That's a three-to-one chance at sixty bucks."

"But—If you pee first…and you will," James continued, cutting off Logan's money-spending daydreams before their proper conception, "You have to do all our homework for a month, and…" The pretty boy tipped his head to the side arrogantly, finger to his lip, "You have to…dress up like a girl next concert!"

Logan gasped, appalled by the humiliating demand; but recovered his cool quickly with a clever counter-wager.

"Twenty-five a piece…and you lick Gustavo's bare feet."

"Yay!" Carlos cheered. James wacked him in the back of the head.

Kendall reached out quickly and pulled the two into a quick huddle; talking to them hastily and peering up every few seconds to glance over at Logan who waited patiently at the bar, brow arched.

Another second of muddled whispers, then the three straightened up, turning back around.

"No feet. One hundred even." Kendall proposed. "Do we have a deal?"

Logan stared back, poker face full-on, taking time to weigh his options. Finally, the brunette moved, giving a solid nod as he threw his hand out to shake. "Deal." He replied; his cool exterior cracking into a dimpled grin as all seriousness instantly evaporated and the four of them ran for the counter; scrambling over top of each other to snatch up and guzzle their first of many full pints of the chilly, spring water.

"And…time!" Kendall announced; he and his three companions gasping with relief as they jerked the mouths of their unfinished bottles away from their dripping lips, and slowly crawled their way out from under a mountain of empties; their tummies saturated and sloshing with water.

The leader's hand settled over his stomach, feeling the cool liquid move inside him as he made it to his feet. "So now we wait," He glanced once more at the clock. "The rest is up to nature."

…

"Goal!"

"Whoohoo!"

"Yeah, that's two outta three, we win again!" Carlos shouted, doing a victory dance around the dome hockey table.

Kendall laughed, "You guys wanna play another round, or should we stop now? Anybody?" He cast a wicked glance across the dome at James, "Does Logie need a potty break?"

"Hmm, I don't know," James giggled, poking at his teammate's ribs; "Do you, Logie?" he teased, batting his eyelashes cutely at the little teen who sneered back at him, rolling his eyes.

Logan grabbed the mini puck from the table return and dropped it in, grabbing hold of his spindles with determination. "Make it four out of five."

…

"Nothing on…" Carlos sighed, dropping the TV remote on James' lap.

Forty-five minutes later, they'd grown tired of dome hockey and flopped onto the orange couch, only to find nothing worth watching.

James grunted his agreement and picked up the discarded remote; mindlessly flipping through the same set of channels, bored out of his mind too, until he felt Logan suddenly stiffen beside him. He chuckled, immediately clicking back to the commercial for a tap water filtration system featuring a beautiful, panoramic view of Niagara Falls.

"Ooooh…does this bother you, Logan?" James cooed innocently. He dialed up the volume.

Carlos leaned across James, "Pssssssssssssssssssssssss…" the Latino hissed low and long in the brainy boy's ear; drawing back in surprise and rubbing his stinging cheek when Logan's slap let him know he'd had enough.

"Don't do that," Kendall corrected, slinging Carlos over his lap to switch seats with him; like a parent separating two bickering children. Now finding himself beside James, the leader snatched the remote from his hand, changing it from the instigating water commercial to a channel more age, or maturity level, appropriate.

The sound of a laugh track filled the apartment as an uncomfortable looking, poofy-haired character swung his arms and legs in strange, jerky movements on the screen.

"Dude," his smaller and more fashion-forward partner replied, glaring at him from a curtain of auburn bangs, "You've been doing that for half an hour; if you have to pee, then pee already!"

Carlos and James guffawed loudly. Of all the episodes of 'Drake & Josh'…

"I get stage fright-"

"We talked about this; you just bend your knees, wiggle your hips, and think about waterfalls,"

"OFF!" Logan shouted over their peals, violently yanking the remote from Kendall's fingers and punching in the button as the screen fell black, "Turn it off RIGHT NOW!"

"Turn off wha-?" Mama Knight appeared in the doorway, and began to ask, before half-tripping on a clear plastic cylinder in the floor. The boys leapt up on the other side of the room, as if the effort could have stopped her near tumble. Catching her balance, Mrs. Knight scooped up the empty bottle, gaze trailing into the kitchen where the recycling bin sat, overflowing.

"Good grief," she muttered, trying to crush the stray bottle into the can. "You guys get thirsty today?" She laughed softly, a little bemused. "Geez, it's a good thing FoodWay has twenty-four cases on sale two for $5.50 this week,"

The apartment door opened again and Katie walked in, wrapped in her hot pink and orange striped beach towel; dripping wet, flip flops squishing from the pool. Droplets of water pattered loudly across the hardwood as she made a bee-line for the kitchen. Logan crossed his legs.

"Uh-uh!" Mama Knight scolded, intercepting the little girl before she had reached the refrigerator, "Take it to the shower first, Katie- You're ruining this floor!" She smoothed the soaked strands from her daughter's eyes, spinning her towards the bathroom; then snagged a kitchen towel hanging over the oven door handle and began mopping up the trail of tiny chlorinated puddles.

"Okay guys," She finished, tossing the towel aside on the counter, "I'm gonna run downtown and take advantage of that bottled water sale while it's still on. Be good and take out the recycling for me." The muffled hiss of the shower coming to life sounded in the background as she grabbed her purse. And with that, Mama Knight was back out the door.

Approximately two hours into their contest, and five minutes into Katie's shower, the soft, continuous sound of such gently flowing water was finally starting to get to not only Logan, but the other three boys as well. And it didn't help matters much that the constant, torturous noise only served to further solidify—emphasize even—the dreadful fact that the apartment's lone bathroom was currently occupied.

Carlos wiggled a bit in his seat, before leaning over towards his best friend; "I gotta go…" he whispered, somewhat loudly, into James' ear,

The living room had grown increasingly still over the last few minutes; the boys all settling back into a tense arrangement around the couch; no one really feeling like running around now or gloating much anymore with their bladders continuously tightening as each slow second passed.

Kendall sat to the left of the duo, seemingly engrossed in a hockey game on TV, posture outwardly relaxed as he internally struggled to ignore the perpetual cascade in the background.

James frowned, frustrated at the leader's annoyingly cool exterior; but smiled when he glanced to the right side of the room.

"Just a little bit longer, buddy," he whispered back to Carlos, "Look at Logan; he's gonna give out any second now." The pretty boy flashed a confident grin, elbowing the Latino as he made a quick gesture to their right.

On the far end of the couch, Logan sat slightly bent forward; eyes closed, lips tight, arms discreetly winding downward to snake around his knobby knees. Their friend looked nothing short of uncomfortable, face pinched and wearing a humorless, aggravated smile; desperately trying to block out the offending water stimuli.

Thirty seconds later the water shut off and Katie emerged, towel-drying her damp, auburn brown hair. She halted in the middle of the kitchen, giving her 'brothers' a quizzical once over.

Kendall leaned back into the couch; expression collected yet, legs crossed at a suspiciously unnatural angle. James sat upright, beaming, overtly inconspicuous smile, knees together. On the other side of him was Carlos, both hands shamelessly clutched over his crotch. Then Logan. Logan looked like a time bomb ready to blow any second.

"Water drinking contest?" She deduced, throwing a tiny hand on her hip. Then quipped matter-of-factly, "Ten bucks on Logan."

That broke the silence.

"Logan ? !" Kendall and James shot up.

"He never wins!" Carlos exclaimed.

"Ha!" Logan shouted, "Thank you, Katie! See? Someone believes in me!"

"Eh," She smiled, tossing the towel around her neck with a shrug, "I'm feelin' charitable," a mischievous smirk flashed across her face and her hand shot out suddenly, turning the kitchen faucet open full blast. She giggled hysterically as Logan shrieked and blew past her, slamming the bathroom door behind.

"It was worth it." She laughed, stuffing a ten dollar bill into her brother's hand before reaching into the refrigerator for a cup of chocolate pudding and retreating towards her room. Kendall shook his head as they watched her walk away, still snickering.

"Whew!" James turned off the faucet and slouched against the counter, relieved. "Finally." He chuckled weakly, eyeing the bathroom door. "I thought he'd never cave in!"

"I know, right? Dang, he lasted longer than I thought," Kendall agreed.

"Yeah," Carlos nodded, "I thought I was gonna lose there for a second!"

"Oh, yeah. Totally…Mmmhmm…" The other three continued with their small talk, inching near the bathroom with sneaky side steps and subtle backwards movements; each boy silently planning how to break past the other two as soon as it vacated.

But, a weird squeak put those devious mental plans to a quick halt, and they spun around just as Logan came flying out, plowing over all of them in an wild, unidentifiable mood.

"Holy crap, Logan—it's just a bet," Kendall chortled, dodging the smallest one as he slammed past them and began feverishly pacing around the living room. "Geez. You don't have to be such a sore loser."

"—I didn't lose." Logan clipped.

James rolled his eyes at the unnecessarily snippy denial. "Um, yes you did. You totally just—"

"NO. I didn't."

"You're telling us that you did not just pee right now? Dude, you were just in the bathroom!"

"No, honest; I didn't," Logan conceded. "I was going to, but," The brunette's cheeks flushed a deep shade of pink and he cast his gaze downward; rubbing the back of his neck, "I…have a little problem."

"What are you saying, Logan?" Kendall queried in concern, squinting at his coy-voiced roommate.

Ever 'tactful', Carlos decided to offer his opinion, "I think he's talking about his—"

"—No, no, no, no, no, no, no!—I'm not, I don't, I—I," Logan cut him off, clearly embarrassed, "It's just, I, ohh—I'M STUCK IN THESE PANTS, OKAY? ?"

Kendall, Carlos, and James stared back at their flabbergasted buddy; two full seconds passing while his words registered before they all three collapsed, laughing and rolling on the apartment's hardwood floor.

"This is NOT funny, guys!" Logan screamed, jerking hard on the zipper.

James stood up, then fell across the countertop, slapping it between guffaws and switching to Kendall's back when the teary-eyed blonde began to strangle on his own riotous cackling.

Carlos continued to roll the floor in mirth; his laughter intensified by the reactions of the others as they choked and snorted, while Logan continued to tear madly at his disobedient fly.

"OH HooHOO…Oh stop! Stop it, Logan! You're gonna make me pee MY pants!" The giggling Latino whooped, squeezing his sides.

Logan gave one more angry tug and stomped over to his three friends, eyes turning sad when he got up in their faces, "You know I have a weak bladder!" he nearly cried.

"Yeah, and we were counting on that to win. How the heck were we supposed to know you'd go and get stuck in your pants? !" James retorted. He and Carlos burst into howls as Logan let out a bizarre sound of urgency and clapped his knees together, bouncing around the kitchen awkwardly.

"Knock it off!" Kendall scolded, silencing the raucous two. "Logan, are you sure you're really stuck?" The leader asked calmly.

"Um, oh, I don't know— YES! ! !" Logan exploded, then bit his lip; stewing crankily. Carlos wondered if he might burst a neck vein like the angry, hot-headed people he saw in Saturday morning cartoons.

"Oh well, then that's too bad. Dibs on the bathroom!" James exclaimed, halting mid-stride as Kendall grabbed his shirt, pulling him back.

"Noooo. We're in this together, guys." The more brow-endowed stated, in his firm, motivational tone. "Brothers of the ice," An inspirational melody seemed to swell somewhere in the background, picking up an unspoken queue. "We've been there for each other, thick and thin, win or lose, since pee-wee hockey; by george, and no one will pee until we get Logan out of these pants!"

The other three nodded their approval determinedly; hanging on their leader's every word like an eager church congregation.

"Together?"

"Together!" They replied, throwing their hands into a pile.

"Hey, guys…" Kendall began quizzically, dropping his arm as all seriousness instantly dissolved. "…Do you ever wonder…where…where does that music come from? ?"

"Well…"

"I always thought…"

"Now that you mention it, actually…"

"Hmmm…"

The four took hold of their chins, gazing up to ponder this mysterious occurrence when Kendall's phone began to vibrate in his pocket. He flipped the phone open, pulling the speaker away from his ear nearly the same second he'd uttered 'Hello'.

"DOGS! STUDIO IN THIRTY MINUTES! ! ! *click*"

"Well," Kendall closed the phone coolly, slipping it back into his jeans, and repeated the message; though it was clear that they, and quite possibly every current occupant of The Palm Woods, had heard it. "That was Gustavo." He grinned wryly, as if the others had no idea of that indubitable fact, and continued a touch sarcastically, "He says he'd appreciate it very much if we'd meet him at the studio in half an hour."

"Studio? Today? –Now?" Logan whined. Any minute, Kelly would be showing up to collect them; and here he was, in this awful predicament. How could things possibly be any worse?

It was a good fifteen minutes from the Palm Woods to Rocque Records, and that wasn't even counting on the sure-to-be hectic L.A. traffic.

James felt bad for his partial responsibility in Logan's current situation, really he did, but that drive could get lengthy and these were new pants…

"I'm gonna wash the face!" James announced, wiggling his fingers in front of his eyes and instantly dodging into the bathroom.

"Ah!" Logan squeaked, then crammed his fingers up to the knuckle inside his ears and ran for his and Kendall's room, terrified he might hear the sound of running water. "La, la, la, la, la, LA, LA, LA, LALALALALALALALALALALALALALA AAAA! ! ! !"

…

James closed the door behind him gently and turned on the faucet. If he timed this just right, no one would ever know. He laughed manically, mentally applauding himself for coming up with such an ingenious plan as he lifted the lid…and dropped his zipper.

…

Kendall crinkled his brow, eyes following Logan curiously for a moment as he fled down the hall and disappeared. The leader turned back to Carlos then, about to say something when a strange realization stuck.

"Wait a minute." The blonde mused, pointing into the kitchen, "Why did James close the door?"

…

James' careful stream turned into a blast when the bathroom door burst open without warning.

"AHH!" Both boys screamed in unison; Kendall appalled, James outright startled and trying to hold it steady, "WHAT ARE YOU DOING? !"

"Dude, you're supposed to knock!—" James yelled.

"—AH! NOO—Put that away! !—" Kendall demanded, eyes wide.

"—I can't stop it NOW!" James shouted back, over his shoulder.

"JAMES! You—" Kendall started, ears suddenly taking note of the rushing water in the sink beside him; the sound causing an involuntary wiggle to ripple through his lanky frame. He pressed his thighs together, hard, and attempted to continue with his reprimand; "That was a hundred bucks—" he began again, slowly dipping up and down at the knees, one hand tightly gripping the edge of the counter, "How could you just…How could you…" The blonde's head alternated between James and the water spout until the distraction became too much and Kendall whirled to his left, swiftly shutting off the gushing knob.

While he was able to turn that off quickly, the absence of running water only served to expose the teasing, trickling sounds of James finishing up.

"…Oh-mah-goshhhhh…" The leader moaned, hands between his knees. He dipped down to the floor; once more fighting the twinge before he could hold out no longer and bounced straight back up, in hockey mode, shoving the indisposed pretty-boy out of his way.

Carlos appeared in the door at this very peak of chaos. His dark, round eyes wide with amusement as they watched Kendall's violent descent upon their toilet; the impressive body-check that sent James toppling headlong into the bathtub, all the while still trying to zip up his pants, hands fumbling at the fly of his designer jeans; the noisy chime of silver metal rings pulling and clinking together harshly as he fell, long legs entangled in and bringing down half of the water-misted, polka-dot shower curtain with him.

"HAHAHA! You guys lose!" he chortled gleefully, "Logan is gonna—"

"—BOO!"

"AHH!—" The Latino squealed, leaping with sudden fright. "Awww…" He groaned then, looking down, "Dang it, Katie! !"

The little prankster popped around the bathroom doorframe giggling hysterically until her pretty little eyes caught sight of the happenings inside.

"Ugh! GROSS! Close the door! ! !" Katie screamed, shielding her face and running away, possibly scarred for life.

James clambered out of the tub, rolling over the edge and onto the floor before making it to his feet beside Kendall just as the blonde zipped up. They both turned, looked down at Carlos' pants, and shook their heads.

"Okayyyy…" The leader replied awkwardly, reaching behind to flush the toilet. "Now that we're better, maybe we can focus on helping Logan…"

Wow. Okay, so surely you can tell by now that this is not supposed to be taken seriously, and this is definitely not supposed to be good, but I hope you can at least get a laugh out of the utter…messed-up-ness…of it…

I don't know if I quoted that Drake & Josh episode correctly, but I had to use it (Although I do not own Drake & Josh!) and that's as close as I could remember :P

Second half coming soon!

Thanks for wasting this part of your life with me :) Review if you feel so inclined…