Poison Ivy's Revenge

He started it. Poison Ivy had always maintained, and always would maintain, that the Joker started it. From the beginning, their rivalry had been his fault – Harley and Ivy had met after Joker had kicked Harley out, and the two had become fast friends as well as partners in crime. Incredibly successful partners in crime. Joker had become jealous of their success, if nothing else, so he had set out to stop them, and reclaim his property, as he thought of Harley. Ivy had tried to prevent him from doing that. And that was the beginning of the whole thing. Fight after fight, battle after battle, and he always won. He always won Harley back. Ivy's genuine affection and concern for her friend's welfare was meaningless compared to the general apathy, and frequent cruelty of Harley's boyfriend. It was crazy, but so was Harley, so it made sense.

But this time, Ivy thought, as she sat smiling smugly to herself in her cell in Arkham, this time she had won over the clown. Not Harley – Harley was sobbing next door and crying "Oh, Mr. J!" pathetically. But it was a triumph, nonetheless, a victory, and quite a glorious one, if she said so herself.

He had started it again. There had been an uneasy truce between them because they hadn't seen each other in ages, not since Harley's latest reconcilation, but Ivy woke up one morning to find her flowerbeds cut into grinning faces, and "HA HA HARVEST TIME!" scrawled on the walls of the greenhouse. The room itself was filled with Joker toxin and the plants inside were all dead.

The pain was excruciating, but Ivy forced herself to focus on revenge. She brooded all day and all night on how she could hit back at him. His trump card was that any physical harm she did to him would hurt Harley too. She couldn't kill him. She couldn't even hurt him without upsetting her. The problem with Joker was that while he could strike at her heart by destroying the things she loved, she couldn't strike at his, because he didn't have one. And he didn't love anything. Except himself.

And that was when it hit her. He did love himself. He loved his persona and his reputation and his status as the most feared and terrifying villain in Gotham, and the ultimate nemesis of Batman. The only way she could hurt him was to ruin that.

Her lips curled into a smile as the plan formed, an ingenious plan, ingenious because it was simple and easy, and it would completely destroy him.

She picked up the phone and dialled a number. "Hello?" said the voice on the other end.

"Selina? It's Ivy."

"Ivy, this is a surprise! Last time we talked, you made it crystal clear to me that you didn't want to have anything to do with me ever again."

"Yeah, I know. But I just didn't know who else to call. I need to talk to someone in confidence, Selina, and I know I can trust you to be discreet."

She smiled, knowing that was all she needed to say to have the gossip spread around Gotham's criminal circles like wildfire.

"Why didn't you call Harley?"

"It was Harley who told me. I needed to talk to someone else about it. See, she told me in confidence, but I just can't keep it to myself because it's just so disturbing. So I needed to share and talk it over with someone sane. Promise you won't tell anyone, Selina?"

"Of course I do."

"Ok." Ivy drew in a breath. "Harley came to me in tears. I've never seen her this upset, not even all those times Joker kicked her out. She wouldn't tell me what was wrong at first, but finally it all came out. Apparently she and J were…in the middle of things, when he suddenly let a name slip out. A name that wasn't Harley's."

Ivy waited. "What name was it?" asked Selina, her voice betraying her curiosity.

Ivy grinned to herself. "Batman," she murmured.

There was silence on the other end, silence which lasted several minutes. "You mean he thinks about the Bat when he…"

"Apparently," said Ivy. "Pretty sick, huh? All those years he's claimed to hate him and tried to kill him, when fantasizing about him is the thing that gets him off. Harley's heartbroken, but you know what she's like. This won't change anything - her dependency on him is too deeply rooted. He'll snap his fingers and she'll come running. But I can't see him the same way again. Y'know, knowing he's in love with the Bat, or as close to love as his sick, twisted feelings can come."

There was silence on the other end of the phone. "You won't tell anyone, will you, Selina?" asked Ivy.

"Cross my heart and hope to die, Ivy," replied Selina.

"Thanks. And thanks for listening, Selina. You're a real pal."

"Anytime, Ivy. Bye."

"Bye."

Ivy hung up the phone, smiling. She wondered how long it would take for the news to spread. Information got around quickly in these days of modern technology, what with the internet and all.

Shortly afterward, she was busted by the Bat and dragged back to Arkham Asylum. And a few days later, Joker and Harley were brought back too. But by that time the news had spread among its inmates, as well as most of Gotham City. Joker usually returned to Arkham like a king to his court – greeted with fear and awe and respect both by doctors and patients. This time there was an unsettled, uneasy feeling in the air, a nervous, yet slightly amused whispering ran through the corridor as Joker was dragged down it. This turned into light laughter, and then actual jeering and hooting as the noise grew in strength. This was even better than Ivy had hoped. Laughing. They were laughing at him.

Joker was not smiling – he had his eyes fixed intently on the floor, but looked up as he passed Ivy's cell. She could tell, by the burning, murderous rage in them, that he knew who it was who had started the rumor. And those eyes promised revenge, slow, terrible, and painful revenge.

But Ivy wasn't afraid. She was incredibly pleased with herself, though, and smiled and waved at him as he was dragged off. Harley was thrown into the cell next to hers, fighting and struggling to get free and back to Joker. The door was locked and she started crying, which she kept up for several hours. Ivy didn't like hearing her that upset, but she was in too good a mood to let it bother her too much.

She heard a tapping against the loose stone in the wall, which is how she and Harley always talked whenever they were incarcerated. She went over and removed it, and saw Harley's pale, wasted face, blotchy and red, with eyes puffy from crying.

"Hey, Red," she murmured.

"Hi, Harley," she replied. "You ok?"

"Me? Yeah, I'm fine," she said, sniffing. "Just missing Mr. J, y'know?"

"Yeah, I know," sighed Ivy. One battle at a time, she reminded herself.

"He's not ok, Red," she murmured. "He's really upset about something, but he won't tell me what it is. Just told me to ask you. Do you know what's eating him, Red? And what's wrong with all these people?" she asked, gesturing around the cells. "Why did they laugh at Mr. J? He don't like being laughed at."

"Maybe he shouldn't be a clown – it tends to come with the territory," she retorted.

"Oh, he wants people to laugh at his jokes, Red, just not at him," she replied. "He deserves respect, and you can't respect people you laugh at. Why don't these mooks respect Mr. J no more?"

Ivy didn't want to tell her. "Red?" pressed Harley, looking at her pleadingly with her big blue eyes. "You know, don't you?"

Ivy sighed heavily. "Well, Harley…there may be a certain rumor going around about...Joker and Batman."

"What kind of rumor?" she asked.

"One that claims…that he's in love with him."

Harley stared blankly at her. Then she laughed. "Aw, that's ridiculous, Red! Everyone knows that Mr. J's in love with me! Him and the Bat have a special relationship, no doubt about that, but there's always a special relationship between a guy and his nemesis that people don't usually get. But I do. I ain't jealous or anything like that. Ain't got no reason to be. Why would people believe a silly rumor like that?"

"Well…maybe they just don't get the nemesis relationship, like you say. Or maybe…the rumor was supposedly started by a trusted source close to Joker, so it rings true."

"Who?" she asked, puzzled.

"You, Harley," she replied.

Harley gazed at her, shocked. "Me?" she murmured. Then she grew suddenly angry. "Some creep's been putting words in my mouth?! I'll kill 'em! You know who started it, Red, or do I have to torture every meatbag in this joint?"

"Wish I could help, Harley, but I don't know," shrugged Ivy. "I heard it from Two-Face. He said that Crane had told him that Jervis had said that Cobblepot had heard from Nygma that there was a rumor that you had said that Joker had shouted out Batman's name in flagrante."

Harley gaped at her. "I would never…NEVER discuss me and Mr. J's private time with jerks like that!" she shouted.

"I believe you, Harley," replied Ivy. "But it is kinda a funny idea when you think about it."

"It ain't funny!" shouted Harley. "It's horrible and disgusting and humiliating to Mr. J! No wonder the poor baby's been so upset lately! It's a pretty sick idea of a joke, if that's what it's supposed to be! I ain't laughing, and Mr. J ain't laughing! And when I find out the twisted bastard who started this, I'll make 'em wish they'd never been born!"

Ivy wasn't afraid to tell Harley the truth – she was her best friend, and she trusted that she would forgive her anything. That's what best friends did. But all the same, she didn't want Harley to be angry with her, so it was easier just to smile and nod and leave her to her ranting. Ivy returned to tending her plants, basking in the glow of victory.

Normally, the asylum rang with Joker's laughter, crazy peals of it at all hours of the day or night. But now the asylum was silent, except for Harley's angry muttering. Ivy smiled to herself. The Joker had stopped laughing. Not even Batman had been able to accomplish that.