A/N: I'm so sorry this update took so long but I have been very sick and had neither the strength nor inspiration to write. I'm okay and recovering at home. Since it has been so long, I decided to make this chapter longer than I normally make them. Thank you if you are still reading this and reviewing.
This chapter is very reflective and full angst so… I have warned you. As you read this please remember both Arthur and Gwen are young and their love is newly discovered. In this time period society was different and children were brought in a much different way and girls more sheltered than we probably were. This chapter reflects the consequence of such upbringing.
The trip back to the Leodegrance castle was made quietly except for a few comments here and there from Elyan and also if heated scowls to him from Guinevere also count as verbal communication. Each man and woman seemed to be buried in their own thoughts. To say things are awkward at that point would be been a gross understatement. The trip that had previously been done quickly before now seemed to stretch endlessly before the party. It seems that unconsciously they each in their own way and for different reasons dreads what the end of their journey would bring. At some point the bandit had regained consciousness and occasionally grunted most likely from the pain elicited by the movement of the horse.
Arthur keeps throwing furtive glances at Guinevere trying to reassure and maybe gain reassurance but the said lady's shoulders are tense and her back straight as she keeps her gaze ahead of them. Arthur has no other way of gaining her attention without alerting the rest of the men. After witnessing Elyan's prowess with the sword, he has no desire to provoke him any further, lest there be dire consequences. He realizes that the younger man has a fiery temper which sometimes could be matched by his Guinevere's; but also that he is very protective of his sister. Since it is just the two of them left, Arthur understands the need for Elyan to do so. He also realizes that Elyan's displeasure for him probably stems from the fact that he does not yet know the extent of his feelings for his sister. Arthur does not mind but he would rather have the younger man rooting for him than against for him to have even a hair's breadth's chance of being with Guinevere. He momentarily draws his gaze away from Guinevere to Elyan and finds the younger frowning at him. I really need to have a chat with Elyan before I begin to develop blisters from those scorching looks.
As they reach the castle, the tension seems to have gone a notch higher, if that is even possible. Even the bandit's groans have lessened. Arthur grows more anxious not sure what Ewan's regaining consciousness would mean for him and his love. Truth be told he had been blocking the possibility of that happening from his mind all the time that he had been with Gwen. There is no way that he would have wished for Ewan's death. The knight is a good man and knight and loyal to a fault but he knows that now that he knows that Gwen loves him and not Ewan, he would move heaven and earth to ensure that they would be together. Not very noble, one might say, especially since it means the betrayal of a fellow knight and loyal subject, but he just cannot fathom being able to give up the love of his life. He knows he is willing to fight for a future with her, public opinion be damned. However, the question is how much Gwen is willing to ensure both their happiness.
Arthur knows how society has made women seem to have very little control over the futures. He knows how women always seem to be under the control of a man; being passed on from one to the other. First from a father or a brother then to a husband. He knows how some women have found themselves married off to men the same age as their fathers without their consent. He knows that society frowns on any attempt to deviate from the norm. He knows how people who do not regard these rules are often shunned by society. Would Gwen have the courage to go against the grain and follow her heart? He is selfish enough to hope that if it called for it, Gwen would choose her heart over societal acceptance. He knows that men are easily forgiven for indiscretions but not women. Once a woman has lost society's good opinion, it is almost impossible to get back in its good graces. It would be easy for him to be forgiven especially being a man and a king; after all who would want to be on the king's bad side; but it is not always the same for a woman even if she were queen. He knows that Gwen is intelligent enough to realize these facts. These are the thoughts that are running through Arthur's head as they make their way back to the castle.
Arthur loves Gwen enough to realize that his asking her to blindly throw caution to the wind and take his hand as he had is selfish and inconsiderate. There is no way that he would enjoy life with Gwen knowing that people whispered and snickered at her behind their back. He wants her to command the love and respect that she deserves. It is not her fault that she had been promised to a man he cares for as nothing more than a brother or the fact that she had fallen in love with someone else. Sometimes life was cruel that way. They were fortunate enough to have fallen in love as they had. Very few of their peers even had the opportunity to do so. They were even more fortunate to discover of their mutual feelings for each other. However, that does not eliminate the complications involved and Arthur knows that the days ahead are not going to be easy on either of them and the people around them. He lifts up his head desperately trying to catch Gwen's eye, just to see a glimpse of the love that had been in her eyes earlier that afternoon; just anything to reassure him and give him hope that she would not throw away their mutual happiness. Unfortunately that said lady seems to be in her own world, probably having the same thoughts as he is. Arthur runs his hand through his hair and sighs in frustration. If only he could have another chance to talk to her, to solidify in her mind the fact that his love for her is strong, unwavering and wanton; that he would be willing to do anything to have a lifetime of happiness with her. Maybe she would have the courage to find a way to be with him. His heart feels heavy and the uncertainty is making it seems like he is carrying bags of wet sand on him.
Arthur knows that whatever decision Gwen is going to make will not be easy and each has its own dire consequences. To some it would seem easy; the choice between love or duty; between a lifetime happiness or one of resignation with one's lot, between conformity and acceptance or being ostracized and being the subject of whispers behind fans in society. He knows better. He knows how unforgiving and cruel society could be. Some people just were not disposed to go against the grain. Morgana's mother had caved in to societal opinions but had deprived Morgana of her heritage and her public acknowledgement as the princess or even queen of Camelot. That Morgana is not bitter about it is a testimony of the good woman she is but he would not blame her if she were sometimes to wonder how different her life might have been if things had gone otherwise. Arthur knows his father had found love with his mother but he also knows that he had regrets concerning Morgana and her mother, some of which he had expressed on his death bed. He had been angry with his father when he first discovered that he and Morgana had been denied the knowledge that they were siblings but it had taken Morgana to help him see that they had in fact grown up as siblings, as they had done together everything that siblings normally do. The only difference had been during their teen age years when there had been awkwardness brought on by the mutual awareness of their sexuality and the hope that some members of the council possessed of him marrying Morgana. As they had grown older, they had discovered that whatever feelings they might have possessed had been fleeting and they were more comfortable as close friends than anything else. With the discovery that they were indeed siblings, the reflection of those few years brought on nothing but disgust and a feeling of sickness at the pit of their stomachs. Such were the consequences of keeping secrets that Uther probably had not anticipated. While he never encouraged their union, he had also not voiced any opinion against it, probably being too afraid he would arouse public suspicion of the relationship between the two young people. To any council member, marriage between the two would be advantageous because although willful and stubborn sometimes, Morgana had been trained in the ways of the court life and had in-depth knowledge of how to conduct herself as a royal and the fact that she was Gorlois had diverted from the norm and bequeathed everything he owned to her meant she came with a very attractive dowry that would ensure Camelot's control of lands outside its border. However, with the death of Uther and the secret 'coming out', all hope was quickly done away with. Even a greedy council could not be seen to condone incest.
Eventually the party begins to see the roof tops of the castle. Arthur starts to give orders to the knights but his eyes remain on Gwen willing her with all his heart to look at him. Unfortunately, his luck seems to have run out for the day. Gwen does not answer his heart's knows that there a good chance that he might not have any time alone with Gwen for a long while. His heart constricts and he cannot believe that earlier on in the day he had been deliriously happy holding her in his arms. He had never wished any good man dead but he has to catch himself several times wishing that Ewan had stayed the way he had been. Did that make him a bad man? He is not sure. Maybe just a man desperately in love who is no sure of what tomorrow held.
The sun is already about to retire into its den as they near the castle. Gwen cannot contain the waves of guilt that wash over her. She flushes as she recalls her behavior with Arthur while her betrothed lay fighting for his life. What kind of woman does that make her? How could she have recklessly abandoned herself into another man's arms while her affianced lay dying? Fresh feelings of mortification feel her heart. Did she even deserve to be with Arthur if she could not be loyal to a good person like Ewan, who had been nothing but good to her? Granted she does not love him as a woman should her husband to be, but she still loves him as a brother which is more than other women of her status could even hope for. He trusts her and she had betrayed that trust. She had never seen herself in that light. She had always thought herself very loyal and upright. Now she realizes that she does not really know herself at all. She had enjoyed being in the radiance of Arthur's love and had not even felt guilty at that time. If Arthur had not brought up the subject of her betrothal, it would have been the last thing on her mind. Her every thought had been of Arthur, of her love for him and his for her and how he made her feel. She had known she loved him but even thinking those feelings were reciprocated had seemed like too much of a fancy to her. When she did discover that he did love her and wanted her in the same way she wanted him, it had gone straight to her heart and her head. Unfortunately reality had quickly reared its ugly head and with it came shame and guilt. Elyan is right; her parents would be ashamed of her. She should have behaved with more decorum. Would Arthur want a woman whose behavior was less than correct?
Gwen knows it had been wrong for Lady Bianca to try and manipulate her, but she is not less guilty. She has played a part in the predicament she finds herself in. Her love for Arthur has not lessened from their time together, but she realizes it has made her act foolishly without thinking of the consequences. What must the knights think of her? She just cannot face their knowing looks. What must Arthur think of her? He had seemed as happy as she had been but surely he must think her lacking in morals to kiss him while she is attached to another man. She cannot even begin to think what she would do if Arthur were to change his mind about loving her. She knows that much as she is mortified about her behavior today, she loves Arthur with all her heart and cannot imagine life without him. If he changes his opinion about her, it would kill her. It is not her love for Arthur she is ashamed, it is a behavior earlier; the things that she had allowed herself to do and the way she had lost all sense propriety.
Ever since her talk with Morgana while still at the palace, she had been thinking about what crying off her engagement to Ewan would mean. She knows it is something that society would frown upon. Even if she did end up being queen, she might never regain the respect from society that she should command as queen. It would be difficult for her and for Arthur. He would always be forced to defend her honor and fight her battles, sometimes even with people who should be on his side. Would he be willing to do that for her, for their love? Would she want him to go through life like that? She knows that he had meant it when he said he loved her, but would he be willing to pit that love against the stability of his kingdom? She knows there were enemies in every kingdom, and that enemies could use any means availed to them to discredit the sovereign. Would Arthur be willing to endanger that peace that his kingdom had enjoyed since his reign started over a woman who was not even a princess?
Gwen is so buried in her thoughts she does not even realize that they have reached the stables until she feels someone tagging on her reins and realizes a groom is waiting to take the reins from her. She looks up to see Arthur waiting to assist her down her horse. Her eyes must reflect her feelings because he looks back at her with concern and something else that is akin to anxiety and Gwen is left confused as to what he would be anxious about. The concern gives her hope but the anxiety makes her heart plummet as she takes it as a sign that he might be regretting the occurrence of that day. She drops her gaze to the ground, trying to hide the tears that threaten to spill from her eyes. She wishes she could be brave enough to ask him but she is not and she does not want to cause him embarrassment as he tries to let her down easily. She would save him the disgrace. She accepts his assistance and lands on the ground gently with his hand remaining on her waist for a moment longer than it is supposed to.
"Gwen…" Arthur starts but Elyan chooses to step forward at that moment curtailing any conversation that could have taken place.
"Thank you, Sire. I will take my sister from your hands now. Gwen?" Elyan offers curtly, his hand extended towards Gwen and she has no choice but to take it. She is not sure if she is disappointed or relieved that Elyan interrupted whatever Arthur had been about to say. Her emotions have never felt so twisted. How could someone be so deliriously euphoric one moment and be so miserable the next. She had always been a good natured person, always reasonable and grounded. She is not used to this new person; this person whose feelings are all jumbled up and is unsure of herself. Is that what love does? Does it make you want someone so badly and the next minute be so afraid of rejection, of losing them? She decides it is probably for the best that Arthur and her had not talked because she cannot imagine how embarrassed Arthur would be if she burst into hysterics begging him never to stop loving her. Just as well she has the other business to deal with.
To her surprise, Elyan does not say much even after they move away from the king and his knights and for that Gwen is grateful. Somehow the farther she moves away from Arthur, the larger the cracks in her heart seem to get. She could not have uttered a single word even if she had wanted to. Elyan leads her into the castle asking her if she would like to go and fresh up and change first before going to visit Ewan. Gwen manages a stiff nod and he escorts her to her door.
If Gwen had turned and looked back before she left the stables, she would have seen the reflection of her feelings on Arthur's face. Is it possible for someone's heart to break and leave them barely alive but standing? If it is not possible then he is a miracle. He touches his chest to feel if he still has a heart- beat. He does not know what to make of Gwen's behavior. Is she regretting her love for him? Has she changed her mind about him? Maybe she has, otherwise why would she not look at him? He had been unable to stop looking at her needing her eyes on him like a plant needs the sun. What is he to do now? He wishes he could go to her and demand an answer. Had he done something to displease her? He understands she could be anxious about Ewan but surely this would have been the time for them to turn to each other for support in order to get through what they were facing. Instead Gwen seems to have retreated into a shell that left him outside in the cold. He shivers at the thought. He would have wanted to talk about some plan, a way forward of sorts. He racks his fingers through his hands again momentarily berating himself for not using their time together wisely. Maybe instead of spending their time trying to satisfy their need to touch, they should have planned something concrete. He would not be in the state he is in now, a state that is worse than the one he had been last night. He now knows what it is like to love her and be loved by her, what it is like to kiss and touch her; to be the focus of that dazzling smile; to be the target of the shimmering pools that are her eyes. Could he even consider letting her go without a fight? Could he let her go without losing his own life? If someone had told him earlier on his day would end like this he would have thought they were crazy. He had envisioned a day where he and his love would kiss to signal the end of the day before they retired. He had even imagined the different places they could sneak to for them to be alone. Now all he feels is a pain so sharp it almost makes him double up; a pain worse than death itself.
"Sire?"
Leon's voice almost makes him jump. Arthur looks around, realizing that he and his second in charge are the only ones left. He blinks several times trying to get his mind to focus on the present and trying to fumble for something to say to his knight.
"Um...m yes Sir Leon." And that is as far as his brains allow him. At any other time he would be embarrassed but right now he just does not have the presence of mind to do so.
"Sire, the other knights have taken the prisoner to the dungeon. Should we ask the physician to attend him before we question him?"
"Yes… of course. That is good."
The knight waits for further instructions that never come. Having grown up around the palace with Arthur, Leon is at a loss, having never had before the misfortune to encounter this side of Arthur. He is used to a decisive Arthur who thinks on his feet and fights like the great warrior he is. Unfortunately for him, he is not so good with discussing feelings either and he has always known to tow the line as far as delving into his king's personal life is concerned. The king might allow him an opinion or two when it concerns combat but he is not sure how he would react to relationship advice. He had reluctantly witnessed the scene between Arthur and Gwen and he had known Arthur long enough to know he would not behave that way with just any lady. In all his years around the palace, he had never seen Arthur take as much notice of a lady as Arthur had done with Gwen. However, knowing the situation surrounding the lady, Leon knows that things are not simple. Leon loves Arthur like a brother and does not want to see him hurt. By the look on Arthur's face though, he is already too late. He wants to help out but he is at loss on how.
Arthur seems to have snapped out of his reverie and starts making his way towards the castle. Leon quietly vows he would give it a few days before he interferes, even though interfering could lose him his head.
Gwen makes her way to the physician's allocated chambers. So far she had been fortunate enough to avoid Lady Brianna who she knows should be bubbling over with excitement. Much as she is happy that Ewan is improving, her heart is understandably heavy knowing sooner or later she has to confront the issue of the betrothal and her impending marriage. She knows avoiding the issue will not solve it but she dreads the despair that will follow whichever decision she makes. As she had been freshening up in her chambers she had come to a decision. She knows her decision will hurt someone but it is not in her to pretend that things remain the same. It would not be fair on the man in question.
She knocks on the door, wishing with all her heart she could be anywhere else but there. When she gets the consent to enter, she opens the door cautiously. The smell of the different roots and concoctions of herbs hit her first before the smell of 'sickness' assaults her senses. It makes her task doubly unbearable as it reminds her of her days preceding her father's departure to the next world.
Sigmond is sitting on a bench eating. She wonders how he can get anything to go down with all the smells in the room. When he notices her, he immediately stands up and bows. The next thing she notices is that Ewan is the only patient remaining in the room.
"Sigmond." Gwen acknowledges his greeting. She feels like she has not been to see Ewan in days.
"Is it true that he awoke?"
"Yes, my lady. He did not awaken for long but his fever has broken and he sleeps easier now." He hesitates before he continues. "He asked for you, my lady."
A lump the size of a fist sits on Gwen's throat. She swallows hard. Ewan's first thought had been of her and where had she been? If she feels any guiltier she will collapse under the weight. Just for good measure the subject of their discussion moves and groans probably due to the pain from the wound. He tries to speak but only a squeak comes out of his throat. The physician fetches a goblet with water and approaches the bed. He silently hands it to Gwen who moves towards the bed knowing he would need her help for the patient to drink. Ewan's lips are cracked and he smacks his lips trying to draw some moisture from his mouth.
"Ewan here, drink some water." Sigmond lifts up Ewan's head and signals Gwen to give him the water. When the first drop reaches his mouth, Ewan momentarily opens his eyes. When he sees Gwen he tries to force the goblet away from his mouth so that he can speak.
"No Ewan, drink, you need the water. We can speak later."
She does not know whether it is because he sees the sense in what she says or maybe it stems from sheer exhaustion but Ewan concedes.
"My lady, do not give him too much. We will give him a little every time he wakes up," Sigmond cautions, before he addresses the patient. "Sir Ewan, please rest."
Ewan tries to pull the physician back uttering something that sounds like "wen".
'My lady I think he wants to talk to you. Please calm him down. He needs a lot of rest to regain his strength and heal faster. I had to bleed him last night to break the fever."
Gwen is baffled and cannot understand why bleeding a person who had lost so much blood would break a fever but it since it seems to have worked she supposes she should thankful.
"Ewan, I am here. Try and rest. I will be here when you wake up, I promise." It is the least she can do under the circumstance. She keeps repeating the last sentence soothingly while holding his hand until she feels his hand relax indicating that he now sleeping soundly. Moments later her hand is growing numb from lack of movement but she has been left with no choice as every time she tries to take back her hand, Ewan stirs and protests. This is the position Arthur finds them in when he comes in later.