Time Desk Returns

Chapter 1

There were only a few things that Jeff hated more than staying late at Greendale. But probably at the top of that list, maybe even the top spot, was coming to Greendale early. Jeff's morning schedule ran like a well oiled machine and having to shift and jam in other cogs threw his entire day off.

Coming to Greendale, even an hour earlier, meant getting up at Four instead of five so he could get in his cold wake up shower, followed by calisthenics and ab crunches while he listened or watched the latest pop culture news to stay current. That took an hour and a half.

Getting to Greendale earlier then meant moving his six thirty jog to five thirty which meant he missed out on seeing all the hot soccer mom's out on their jogs. It just wasn't the same. Follow that with a warm shower and a quick breakfast of pure fiber, and he had just enough time to get to Greendale by eight forty five, and have a fifteen minute nap before his first class at nine.

Of course he'd compressed all of that into even less time since it was 6:45 and he'd barely gotten more than a couple of hours of sleep. In order to fit as much of that schedule in as possible he'd skipped breakfast and the warm shower. So when he arrived at Greendale before even the sun did, his back shivered, his stomach growled, and he was more than a little ready to try and caber toss the dean like it was "Scotch-toberfest".

Jeff shook his head as he remembered that particular experience. Such a deceitful name, the one time he actually got excited about a Greendale special event. He even brought his lucky tumbler. In the end it turned out to be nothing but another horrible, soul crushing, Greendale experience.

At least today he roamed the pre-dawn Greendale halls for a good cause. He'd even turned down a few other random early morning invites for it. Shirley had invited him for a morning prayer breakfast, and while her world class hazelnut waffles almost tempted him to enduring a few "Hallelujah's" he declined. Likewise he declined an invite from Abed for a viewing of all the National Lampoon Vacation movies; he just didn't like them anymore for some reason. He even turned down an invite from Britta and Annie for what they promised would be a "good time". Like either of them knew how to have a good time.

He'd turned everything down for this.

Because Kristoff Christophersen, the CEO and Head of Das Face Products Inc, was giving a guest lecture at Greendale. As well as giving out free samples of their number one product Karostina. Now that was worth trying to do ab crunches and shave at the same time.

Jeff nodded when he saw the sign informing him to go to Study Room F in order to receive free samples of Das Face products. When he dressed that morning he specifically picked the jacket with the most pockets for just such an event. Why should he care where they laid out the samples as long as he could cram his pockets full and have enough facial scrub to last forever?

Besides, he knew the way to the Study Room by heart now. On particularly bad days he even considered attempting to find it blindfolded. Partially in the hopes he'd stumble onto something cooler like an underground moonshine operation and also partially just to prove exactly how awesome he was.

He paused for a second and shook his head. Underground moonshine operation? It was too damn early and he needed to stop spending so much time with Troy and Abed.

With the Study Room finally in view Jeff quickened his pace. He had no idea how many others knew about this little seminar but if he could possibly beat the line he needed to. He could almost smell that face wash now! He could just take a deep breath and get the clean, refreshing, scent of… birthday cake?

Somewhere, in the back of his mind, it clicked. Jeff's brain fit together all the little events he'd ignored in his lust for the perfect face wash. He suddenly, horrifically figured out what was about to happen but it was far too late. Even as his brain commanded his feet to stop and turn around, six lovable misfits plus the dean jumped up from behind bookshelves and under the study room table.

"Surprise!" they cheered in unison and Jeff thought he might throw up. "Happy Birthday!"

Jeff cringed but the sudden surprise partiers didn't even noticed as they wrapped him in a group hug and Shirley snapped a pointed party hat on his head. Before he could stop them, they led him into the study room; now decked out with party decorations and a big birthday cake that the dean wheeled in from the opposite side. Jeff counted it as a small blessing that the dean wasn't in it.

And really when all was said and done, Jeff knew he had nobody to blame but himself for this. Every time he got excited, this school had a way of sensing it and pulling the rug out from underneath him. The only thing he wondered was how the hell they knew today was his birthday. He deliberately falsified that date on his registration so people wouldn't hound him on his birthday… and to qualify for reduced tuition for serving in the Gulf War.

"Dean-gulations Jeffrey!" the dean beamed while the others busied with punch and lighting the candles. "Boy did you look surprised!"

"Right?" Annie chuckled as Shirley put a party hat on her. "I wish I could have taken a picture of the look on your face!"

"I did," Pierce said and held up a pen. "Last summer I had to take a trip to Washington to answer some erroneous accusations of worker endangerment to the house judiciary committee, while I was there I went to the International Spy Museum and bought this baby. The official spy picture pen."

"Did you get a secret decoder ring too?" Jeff said.

"The tiny camera in here is secretive that I didn't even know how to take a picture with it at first," Pierce moved the pen so it was just between his eyes. "But you see the key is to click it once then wait. Because nothing will happen if you click it twice…"

As if on cue, Pierce clicked the pen twice and a very bright, very unstealthy flash shot him in the face. Pierce flung around and Jeff managed a half smile, probably the only real one he'd have all day. Frustrated and half blind, Pierce hurled the pen across the room where it continued to flash pictures of all of them. The party goers were getting ready for the stupid birthday song and Jeff plastered the first of his fake smiles on his face. It might not be too late to salvage the situation.

"Heeeey," Jeff finally managed as Annie, Troy and Britta neared. "Not to rain on your collective b-day parades but I think there's been a bit of a mix up. My birthday isn't until July."

"That's what we all thought too," Annie beamed. "Until I discovered this!"

Annie unfolded an old newspaper clipping that had a picture of Jeff at age ten with a mouthful of hot dogs. Jeff cringed at the photo and then at the headline which read "Local Ten year old Goes Dog Crazy for these Hot Dogs! On his birthday not in Dog Years".

"The writer got paid by the word," Annie shrugged and her smile reappeared. "but the point is that it has your actual birthday! You never told us, so we wanted to show you how much we cared by throwing you this bash!"

"Oh look at the little Winger," Britta shook her head at the picture. "It's back before he got his lifetime douche award."

"And that's picture is just adorable!" The dean said. "Look at you Jeff, with your mouth all stuffed with meat."

Jeff swiped the picture from Annie's hand then grabbed her by the shoulder and scooted them away from the rest of the group.

"Annie, what the hell? First my Real World Audition now this? I'd accuse you of stalking me but you're not the dean."

"Relax Jeff," Annie said. "I stumbled on it when I was going over some old newspapers for a project I'm working on called "Greendale: A History". I certainly wasn't looking for it, but now we all get to celebrate your birthday! Isn't that great?"

"Yes," Jeff shook his head. "This whole thing is so Granger-esque of you."

"Okay!" Shirley giggled as she held up the cake with no less than thirty nine candles. Let's sing for the birthday boy! Annie didn't tell us exactly what year you were born in so we just guessed!"

"Let me express my gratis-gust," Jeff said under his breath as the rest of them started singing for him. Jeff felt his eye beginning to twitch and an overwhelming desire to slip out of the room the instant they finished the song. Still he held himself still and waited, stopping himself from nervously tapping his foot the entire time.

By the time they finished the song Chang had popped his head in the door and joined in. Officially making this the Nightmare on Elm Street Equivalent of his life. Once the song was over they all clapped and urged Jeff to blow out the candles.

"You can do it man," Troy said. "Nobody has more hot air than you!"

"Remember, if you get them all, your birthday wish will come true!" Shirley said.

"Of course he won't," Pierce already had the spatula ready to destroy the cake. "Only a real man would have lungs big enough to blow out all of those candles."

Jeff glared at Pierce and felt something welling up inside of him. That same bit of anger that bit at him a lot of the time when Pierce was around. The fact that it was his birthday, of all days, only made it worse. Jeff reared back and sucked in as much air as he could, at the same time trying to ignore the excited squeak from the dean.

Then Jeff blew as hard and fast as he could. The candle's winked out and he kept blowing until his head swam and his fists trembled. Finally he was forced to stop and suck in another breath. Spots appeared in front of his eyes and he stared at the one damn candle that managed to stay alight.

"Ha," Pierce chuckled. "Did you have experimental surgery to replace your lungs with a chicks?"

"Pierce knock it off!" Shirley elbowed him. "Go ahead Jeff, blow out your last candle. We'll still count it."

Pierce chuckled and Jeff glared at the candle. That damn candle. Of course it didn't go out. It was his birthday. It was always something. Something always hung around to stick out and remind him. Vaguely, Jeff felt a hand on his back. His eyes twitched to Annie and then he went back to staring at the candle.

"It's okay Jeff," Troy said. "I was just kidding about the hot air… kinda…"

"Yeah Jeff, do you have to be perfect at everything, even blowing out your candles?" Britta raised a brow.

"Guys… I think… we have a Friend's Thanksgiving on our hands..." Abed whispered.

"Jeff," Annie's hand slid up his back. "It's okay, we can get rid of the candle. I'm sure that whatever it is, we can make it up you. Pierce is sorry, isn't he?"

Jeff stiffened up at those words and he stared at Pierce. The old man's mouth moved but Jeff didn't hear a word that he said. He heard his mom and he heard his dad and he heard the tv blaring up as loud as he could get it so he didn't have to listen to them and suddenly, before he even knew what he was doing, Jeff was yelling.

"No he'd not sorry!" He wheeled around at Annie. "Don't you dare defend him! He's never sorry for anything that he does! And all you do is sit around and make excuses for him! I don't need it! I don't need him!"

"Jeff calm down," Shirley said. "It's just a candle."

"No it's not! It's a damn birthday cake! Did it occur to any of you that maybe the reason you had to figure out when my birthday was, was because I didn't want my birthday to be celebrated!? No! You just said 'damn the torpedoes full confetti ahead!' And then you let him ruin it just like you always do!"

"What are you talking about?" Jeff didn't even know who said it at this point.

"You know exactly what it is!" He hollered then knocked his hand into the cake, spraying it against the wall and finally knocking the damn candle out of its place, putting it out.

"I hate you! I hate all of you! You hear me?! I hate you Dad!"

That said, realization of everything that had just happened started to trickle into Jeff's mind. The Study Group, the dean and Chang all stood on one end of the room with him huffing and puffing by himself now. Troy and surprisingly even Britta were close to tears. Annie hung near Abed and glared daggers at him. The dean cowered behind Shirley and Chang with his hands grasping the security officer's night stick.

"Jeff… look…" Pierce started but Jeff's anger flooded back, but instead of making a further ass of himself he fled the room.

"Are you in here?" Annie creaked the door open.

No answer.

Annie sighed and shut the door. She hoped he would have been there, the supply closet. But no such luck. After Jeff's reaction, Annie wouldn't have been at all surprised if he had run to his Lexus and sped off. Sure it wasn't the first time Jeff had gone off the rails but usually there was more of a reason behind it. And usually Annie didn't have to spend that much time finding him.

But after nearly an hour of searching she was ready to give up.

Whatever it was that set Jeff off would have to remain another mystery that they would only learn about the next time he got kicked out of his apartment or was beaten in foosball or whatnot. In the meantime Annie needed to get to class.

She glanced down at the slice of birthday cake cupped in a napkin in her hand, complete with one unlit candle. Maybe she could take it home and save it.

Initially, after Jeff stormed out, Annie, like most the others wanted nothing but to ream him a new one. Did he think it was easy coordinating all six of them to come together before class? Let alone get Abed to send another fake invite to ensure Jeff would be where they needed him to be? Did he think that they all went to such effort just for him to have a tantrum and ruin it for all of them? And Pierce didn't even really do that much.

It was only later, after they'd cleaned up the cake that Britta pointed out how worried she was about Jeff. That she thought something was really wrong with him because his response was excessive, even for him. And it wasn't even related to his probable fear of growing older.

Annie might have dismissed all of this since it came out of Britta's mouth but Jeff did yell something about his dad and any other answers weren't really forthcoming. The more she worked on cleaning the room the worse she felt for putting Jeff through all of that. Maybe he reacted horribly but she was the one that chose to ignore the obvious fact that he had falsified his birthdate and never brought it up to them. She wanted to throw a party for him and she hadn't considered what he wanted. Not even on his birthday.

Now, an hour later, she resigned herself to apologizing whenever Jeff appeared in Study Group again.

She glanced at a nearby wall clock and realized she only had fifteen minutes to get to her next class on the other side of campus. That would take at least five minutes, which meant she would only be ten minutes early! What if the teacher decided to grade on a door prize system and the first through the door got 'A's and the last got 'F's? Crazier things had happened!

After a couple of seconds to plan her quickest possible route, Annie about faced and ran, cake first, right into Jeff. Annie found one hand cupping her mouth as the other one hovered over the blue and white frosting stain on his shirt. Annie gasped a bit as she stared at it, then looked up to Jeff to apologize.

But instead of being met with gnashed teeth and rigged, enraged eyebrows, Jeff held an expression of resignation. Annie backed up a bit and slipped her backpack off her shoulders. After a few seconds she'd retrieved some Hawthorn Wipes she kept in case of emergencies.

"Well," Jeff said as she ripped a packet open. "I guess I can't really say that I didn't deserve this."

"Jeff, I'm sorry," Annie ran the towelette over the frosting stain. "I didn't mean to."

"Annie, I just said that I deserved it," Jeff said. "I don't admit stuff like that very often."

"No, I mean this entire morning, I'm sorry."

"Oh," Jeff's voice dropped just a bit. "Yeah. That. Annie, I'm probably the one that should be apologizing. I mean… yeah, you guys probably should have figured out that I didn't want my birthday to be celebrated but I think I did overreact just a little bit."

"A little bit?" Annie popped an eyebrow up while she continued to wipe at the stain. "Jeff the dean is still cry… wait, sorry. I shouldn't be laying it on. We completely ignored your feelings and…"

"Annie, stop it."

"No Jeff, You've always let us know how much you value your privacy and we all know it, we should have respected that."

"Annie, seriously, stop it."

"And even if we did want to celebrate your birthday we shouldn't have tricked you into coming and should have planned a party that you would have actually enjoyed instead of one that we would have liked."

Jeff grabbed Annie's hands and pulled them away from his body. "Annie. Stop it. You've worn that tissue to your finger. The stain isn't coming out."

"Oh…" Annie glanced down at the frayed towelette and then at Jeff's hands, still holding hers.

"Also stop apologizing for this morning," Jeff drew her attention back up to his face. "All I want now is for all of us to forget it ever happened. I mean really forget."

"Okay," she nodded. "It's forgotten."

"Good," Jeff let go of her hands and took a step back. "Good. I… well I probably should get going. Class or whatever."

"Right," Annie backed away, practically biting her tongue to not ask more about his meltdown.

"Well, I'm… uh," Jeff motioned over his shoulder. "I'm going that way."

"Okay," Annie took a step the opposite direction. "I'm going this way."

"See you at Study Group?"

"Yeah."

Annie turned around and only got a couple of steps before Jeff caught back up with her.

"Look," he stepped in front of her. "It's not that I'm not grateful for the effort you put into it, or the thought. It's just… birthdays are really a bad time for me. I haven't celebrated one since I was twelve and I was finally able to get my mom to stop."

"Twelve?"

"Yeah… look the point is, thanks for trying. Thanks for doing your whole, 'Annie thing' with making everything perfect. If it were any other day I would probably be very flattered but this is the one day a year that I just wish didn't exist."

"What?" the statement overrode Annie's minimal desire not to pry. "Jeff why would you say something like that? Whatever happened can't be that bad can it?"

Jeff opened his mouth to answer but the words never came. Instead they both heard the sound. Something neither of them ever thought they'd hear again. The groaning, wheezing sound, almost like a stalling engine. The unmistakable sound of the Time Desk.

Their conversation instantly forgotten, the pair raced toward the sound. They rounded a corner and spotted Troy and Abed at the far end of the hallway. Clearly they'd heard it as well. They met near the middle, right in front of the storage closet door. The sound died off and the four former time travelers stared at each other.

"I thought, you said it was destroyed after your wild west adventure?" Jeff focused on Abed. He was the only one that knew how to operate the damn thing after all.

"I thought so too," Abed said. "It was run over by a train."

"I'm just glad I saw that time travel movie Clint Eastwood was in to let me know how to survive that showdown," Troy said.

Jeff shook his head and turned back to Abed. "So you have no idea how this thing could be back?"

"Pieces of it survived," Abed shrugged. "Maybe it could reform or something? I'm not Inspector Spacetime, Jeff. I don't have all the answers."

"You guys, does it even matter how it's back?" Annie said. "It's here, and we've all spent the last few months pretending none of it ever happened. We all agreed."

Annie didn't miss the sidelong glance Jeff fired her way. Their first time travel adventure proved a bit more personal than either was ready to admit at this point. It still freaked her out just a little bit to know Jeff was there the day she had her breakdown. She loved him for what he did to help her but it still scared her just as much.

"So what are we going to do about it now?" Troy opened the door.

The desk sat there, in the middle of the room. Waiting.

"We go to the future," Jeff stepped into the room, with everyone following behind.

"I don't think that's a good idea Jeff," Abed grabbed his arm. "Nothing good could come of knowing our destiny."

"Who said anything about knowing destiny," Jeff slipped his hand into the handle that opened the hatch. "I just want to go to tomorrow. Skip today altogether."

Annie sighed and shook her head.

"We can literally go anywhere and anytime, and you want to go to tomorrow," Troy said. "Jeff, my mom had a time travel method like that. She called it nap/plus adventure-alone time while she spoke to the mailman for a few hours in my parent's room."

Abed, Jeff, and Annie all paused and stared at Troy for a moment. He returned their gaze then his eyes bugged out when he finally, after who knew how many years, figured out what that particular lie was all about. Suddenly he grabbed the latch and flung the Time Desk open.

"Out of the way Jeff!" He vaulted over the side and descended the spiral staircase, into the guts of the Time Desk. "We're going back in time so I can beat up the mailman! And the Dog Catcher!"

The rest of them practically stumbled over themselves to get in. Luckily, even though Troy went on just as many time travel adventures as Abed, he never picked up on how to turn off the Time Desk's parking break, let alone learn to fly it. By the time they got to the central command console they caught him ratcheting a… lever back and forth as if it would pump them back a year each time he did.

"And the milk man and the dentist and my third grade teacher and… and… and…"

Abed yanked Troy's hand away from the controls and Troy moaned something about a paternity test. Annie took a second to survey the interior of the magical device they found themselves in. Virtually nothing looked changed. The same strange alien walls, mixed with random doodads that she recognized from earth. A seat from a car, a swing set off in the corner, and the consuel was a real hodgepodge of earth devices. Everything from a typewriter to a Foreman's Grill.

Abed finally calmed Troy down and Annie joined the pair and Jeff over by the central controls.

"…look," Jeff said. "We're all having sort of an emotional day. Maybe we should just shelve the entire idea of taking a trip in this thing. I don't think we ever had a relaxing time in it."

"We could go to Relaxus Prime," Troy said. "They have so much relaxation there that they export it to neighboring planets."

"What does that even mean?" Annie said.

"How should I know Annie, what do I look like? A Doctor?"

"What does that mean?"

"I think Jeff is right," Abed said. "Each time travel adventure has been a mad capped rollercoaster ride where we spend most of our time running. Not to mention how big a disaster our first trip was."

"It wasn't a complete disaster," Annie eyed Jeff and remembered what they'd done for each other. Jeff's eyes might have twitched her direction but otherwise he didn't acknowledge it.

"Troy single-handedly almost destroyed the fabric of space and time," Abed said.

"It's not my fault!" Troy whined. "How was I supposed to know Britta was so handsey!? Or that Pierce reacted violently to missionary work!"

"I do not!" Pierce's voice jumped at them from the stairs and Annie felt her stomach hit the floor. In their previous adventures, they always considered bringing others along, Shirley or Britta usually. One time they even considered the dean. But they always voted against it and they always, always agreed that Pierce could never know.

Now he rushed down the spiral stairs, headed right toward them.

"Please fall and break your neck," Jeff whispered. A very small part of Annie wasn't offended at the notion.

"I love spreading the good news about Buddha and also… what is this place!?"

"Pierceeeeeeee!" Troy's voice got progressively higher as he stretched out the elderly man's name. "This…. This isn't what it looks like! It's… uh… a space ship… that can 'travel' in 'time' and dimensions."

Annie felt a stress headache coming on but determined not to let it overwhelm her at this point. They all kind of deserved whatever response Pierce gave them for letting Troy answer first.

"What Troy means," Jeff said. "Is that this… is… all a dream."

"Don't lie to me Jeff," Pierce crossed his arms. "If this is all a dream why does Annie still have all of her clothes, and why is Abed not a woman?"

"What?" Abed and Annie found themselves saying at the same time.

"Oh no," Pierce wandered near the console. "This place is real. I don't know what kind of crazy thing this is but it's real. Time travel huh? That's preposterous. Prove it."

"Nothing doing Pierce," it was Jeff's turn to cross his arms. "We're all out of time fuel."

"Abed," Pierce walked right past Jeff. "Make this thing time travel or I'll tell everybody about it. Starting with Leonard."

"Way over the line Pierce!" Jeff snapped.

"Um… sure Pierce," Abed nodded. "Just give me a minute to talk things over with the others. It's a very delicate process and I'll need everybody's help."

Abed motioned for a huddle and Annie crowded around him along with the others. The entire time, Pierce wandered around the time desk, looking at its various parts, certainly trying to figure it out.

"We have to be very careful," Abed said. "We could have a real Biff Tannon situation our hands. But I don't think there's any way out of this without a time travel excursion.

"Well we can't take him back in time!" Troy said. "He'll probably sleep with my mother!"

"Troy nobody is sleeping with your mother," Jeff said. "Let's just boot him out and go. He'll never be able to prove this is real. He'll just sound like… well like he always does."

"We can't take that chance," Abed said. "Which is why I propose we take your suggestion Jeff. Your first one. We travel ahead one day into the future. Pierce won't be able to mess with the timeline and he'll think this is so boring that he'll forget all about it."

"Okay," Annie said. "But after that we're going to Relaxus Prime. I think we need it now."

"Agreed," Jeff nodded.

The huddle broke and Abed went to the controls, directing the others to various panels and instructing them what they needed to do to operate them. Once everyone knew their job Abed set to work on the coordinates.

"Alright," Abed said. "Just a quick trip. Time and date set, hang onto something everybody."

Annie twisted her hand around the nearby rail and nodded to Jeff as he anchored himself to it as well. Abed worked the controls, the entire time Pierce loomed over him. Abed grabbed a hold of the central activating mechanism then looked to Pierce.

"Grab onto something Pierce."

"Make me!"

"Pierce this isn't a game!" Jeff snapped. "Just do what Abed said so we can get this over with!"

"Screw you Jeff! Just because it's your birthday doesn't make you my father."

"What did you say!?" Jeff shoved away from his rail.

Pierce, probably remembering how close he got to getting pummeled by Jeff earlier, bumbled backward right onto the controls. The main lever shot forward and the Time Desk shuddered then rumbled then knocked them all off their feet. Annie clung to the railing and felt her feet then body swing off the central platform and dangle in the air. Jeff had one hand wrapped around a support strut and used the other to flip Pierce off.

"We're being pulled into the Time Vortex!" Abed shouted.

"What does that mean!" Troy called back.

"It means.. um… it means… Geronimooooo!"