A/N: Guess what? BONUS CHAPTER! Amonraphoenix managed to talk me into writing one more chapter. Hope you enjoy it :)

Disclaimer: see chapter one

Three weeks later...

Raphael grunted as he hit a pile of boxes. He growled in annoyance and frustration as he pushed himself up slightly. He lifted a box from his head and glared up at Michelangelo who was grinning down at him.

"Come on, Raph," the youngest said. "You can do better than that."

Raphael pulled himself up and threw the box to the ground. He pointed a finger at his brother. "You're goin' down, Mikey," he threatened.

Michelangelo merely shrugged. "You've been tryin' to do take me down all night, Bro. You're never gonna get me."

Raphael charged at his brother, fingers curled into a fist. He swung his fist at Michelangelo's head. The youngest easily dodged the attack and countered with one of his own. Raphael was sent stumbling into the wall.

Michelangelo tsked and shook his head disappointedly. "You're getting sloppy, Raphie-boy," he commented, putting his hands on his hips.

Raphael growled and swung around to face his brother again. "I'll show you 'sloppy'!" he snarled.

Michelangelo took a nervous step back when he heard the anger in his brother's voice. Raphael came charging at him again. Michelangelo managed to dodge a couple of attacks, but one finally managed to hit its mark and sent him flying into the wall. He rubbed his head and looked up when he heard rapid footsteps pounding towards him. Michelangelo silently wished that Leonardo, Donatello and Splinter hadn't decided to pay April and Casey a visit. He needed help in calming Raphael down.

"You think you're better than me?!" Raphael roared furiously. "Do you?!"

Michelangelo jumped to his feet and caught Raphael's wrists. "Calm down, Raph," he soothed. "This was supposed to be a friendly sparing match between brothers. I'm not trying to prove anything," he insisted.

Raphael lashed out, forcing Michelangelo to counterattack again. Raphael slammed into a table, smashing it to pieces. Michelangelo panted, trying to get his breath back as he watched his brother groan in pain. Thinking that Raphael was down for good, Michelangelo turned and headed for the kitchen to get a drink. He heard the faint sound of metal scrapping against stone before a force suddenly slammed into his back, sending him sprawling onto the floor. He grunted when he hit the ground, pain sending black waves of lightning across his vision as he looked up to see Raphael looming over him. A knee was suddenly ground into his chest, pinning him to the floor; crushing the breath from his lungs. Michelangelo's eyes darted to the pipe that was fiercely gripped in Raphael's hand.

"Raphie? What are you doing?" Michelangelo asked slowly, his voice shaking with fear. His eyes widened in horror and terror as Raphael lifted the pipe over his head. "Raph!" he cried in desperation. "Wait! Wait!"

There was the sickening thunking and cracking sound as metal pulverizing bone and flesh...

Raphael bolted straight up in bed, a horrified yell escaping his parched lips. He gasped for breath, eyes wide in horror. Raphael looked around to find himself in his room, laying in bed. He looked down at his hands, half expecting to see them stained red with blood. Instead, they were their normal emerald green shade, scarred, calloused and damp with sweat. Raphael curled into a ball and buried his face in his arms.

He was going insane; there was no other explanation for it. No matter how many times he told himself that it was self-defense, Raphael could never escape the fact that he had killed someone; no matter how much they may have deserved it, Raphael was still a murderer.

He knew his family suspected that something was wrong with him. He didn't eat, he rarely slept, and when he did, he was plagued by nightmares in which he brutally killed one of his brothers in a blind rage.

Splinter had tried countless remedies to try to help his son's troubled mind, but nothing worked.

Raphael closed his eyes, and took a shaking breath before he climbed out of bed. He quietly padded his way out of his room and into Michelangelo's bedroom. He crept up to his brother's bed and looked down at his sleeping form. His heart clenched when it appeared that Michelangelo wasn't breathing. Raphael gently placed a hand on his brother's chest and sighed in relief when he felt a strong heart beat pounding up against his hand. Michelangelo mumbled something in his sleep and turned over on to his side. Raphael stepped back and breathed in deeply, telling himself that his baby brother was alive and well.

Michelangelo moaned in his sleep and opened his eyes when he heard his bedroom door creak. He caught a glimpse of a red mask before it disappeared around the corner. Michelangelo sighed and placed his head against his pillow. What was it going to take for Raphael to forgive himself? Michelangelo closed his eyes and went back to sleep, thinking that Raphael had just had another bad dream and needed some reassurance before going back to sleep. However, he couldn't have been more wrong.

Raphael silently made his way into Donatello's lab, being careful not to wake the sleeping scientist who was slumped over on his keyboard in front of his computer. The red masked turtle went over to the first aid kit and quietly went through its contents. He pulled out what he was looking for, and tucked the small container into his belt, before tip-toeing out of the lab again. Raphael made his way out into the main area of the lair and looked around, memorizing every detail as if he was never going to see it again. When he was satisfied, he walked out of the lair's main door and into the dark sewers beyond.

A half hour of walking found Raphael coming upon an underground storm water runoff reservoir. He looked down at the many pipes and waterfalls that dominated the massive alcove. He slipped the container out from his belt and looked down at it. A label in Donatello's handwriting read "sedative". Raphael twisted the cap off the small bottle and downed the entire contents without a second thought. He barely registered the sound of water falling behind him as he flung the bottle into the reservoir. He began making his way out onto the nearest pipe.

"Raph?" Leonardo's voice called over the roar of the waterfalls.

Raphael started to feel the effects of the sedative as he continued walking. He began to sway from side to side as footsteps pounded against the pipe uncertainly, but Raphael didn't pay them any notice. His eyes drifted shut and he tipped to the side. He vaguely felt something brush against the tips of his fingers as he fell from the pipe, and then felt no more.

Leonardo watched in horror as his brother disappeared into the darkness of the reservoir below him. He had been just that one second too late to grab Raphael's hand before his brother fell from the pipe. Before any questions could flood his mind, Leonardo dove off the pipe and into the brown, silt filled and debris choked water below. He looked around for any sign of Raphael, but the murkiness of the water added with the darkness didn't help him much. Leonardo swam around, his arms moving out in front of him, searching desperately for his brother.

After what seemed like an eternity, Leonardo's fingers brushed up against what felt like lifeless, reptilian flesh. The blue masked turtle wrapped his fingers around his brother's wrist and immediately swam for the surface. Leonardo's head broke the surface of the water with a whooshing gasp as he took in a deep breath of air. He wrapped an arm around Raphael's chest and hauled himself and his brother up onto solid ground. As soon as Raphael was secure, Leonardo took out his shell cell and dialed Donatello's number. After the third ring, Donatello finally answered.

"Do you have any idea what time it is?" the purple masked ninja grumbled sleepily.

"Grab Mikey and get to the reservoir at Fifth and Main!" Leonardo yelled.

Donatello pulled the shell cell away from his ear and hissed. "Indoor voice, Leo."

"This is no joke, Donny. Raph fell off a pipe and he's not breathing," Leonardo explained his voice containing an edge of terror and panic.

"I'll be right there," Donatello said, instantly going into protective brother and doctor mode.

Leonardo closed the shell cell, dropping it to the ground as he pressed an ear to his brother's motionless chest. There wasn't a heartbeat, no sound of breathing. Leonardo linked his fingers together and began doing chest compressions. He leaned over and blew a couple of breaths into Raphael's slack mouth before repeating the chest compressions again.

Leonardo wasn't sure how much time passed, his entire focus upon trying to get his brother breathing again; his heart pumping once more. Soon, the roar of the Sewer Slider echoed down the tunnel. It came to a stop and Donatello and Michelangelo jumped out, scrambling to where Leonardo was leaning over Raphael's unresponsive body.

"What happened?" Donatello asked as he fell to his knees beside Raphael checking Raphael's vitals and looking for injuries.

"Raph took something," Leonardo started, breathlessly. "At least, I think he did from the way he started swaying. Could have been a sedative maybe?"

Donatello pushed Leonardo out of the way and continued with the chest compressions. Leonardo fell back and panted for breath. He looked over at Michelangelo, who seemed like he was on the verge of a panic attack, then back to Donatello, who was in full doctor mode. Leonardo's eyes drifted down to Raphael's still face. What had he been thinking? Leonardo wiped the water from his face as he tried to figure out what he could possibly do to help. He then remembered a meditation technique that Splinter had taught him. It was extremely dangerous and there was no sure way to know if he would survive it, but there was no other choice.

"Keep working," Leonardo told Donatello and Michelangelo. "I'll be back as soon as I can."

He shifted into a meditative position and closed his eyes trying to calm his thoughts and his rapidly beating heart.

Donatello and Michelangelo glanced at each other before going back to doing CPR. They both knew what Leonardo intended to do, and they both hoped that they wouldn't have to try to revive another brother.

The sewer gave way to a large stone chamber that was lined with torches. Leonardo looked around, trying to figure out where he was. He turned his head to the right to find two large, oak doors at the end of the chamber. He frowned slightly, but his confusion was broken when he saw the sign for eternity carved into the wood. Leonardo swallowed when he figured out where he was.

"It worked?" he said to no one in particular.

"What the shell are you doing here?" someone asked.

Leonardo turned around to find Raphael standing behind him. He hurried over and threw his arms around his brother's neck. Raphael tensed under the unexpected embrace.

Leonardo pulled away and looked at his brother. "Raph, what were you thinking?" he demanded angrily.

Raphael looked down as if ashamed of his actions, but it quickly turned to guilt. "I can't take it anymore, Leo," he breathed quietly, closing his eyes briefly. "I can't live with it anymore."

Leonardo gripped his brother's shoulders tightly. "Raph, if you're talking about what happened in Inwood Hill Park-"

"It's not just that," Raphael cut in, finally looking up at him. "It's you, Donny and Mikey...I can't...If I killed..."

Leonardo swallowed when he realized what Raphael was trying to say. "Is it the nightmares?" he asked softly.

Raphael nodded. "He won't leave me alone," he whispered. "Alfredson isn't dead. At least not up here." He tapped a finger to his temple. "I'm a killer, Leo. There's no getting around it."

"How many times do I have to say it?" Leonardo snapped in exasperation. "It was-"

"-Self-defense," Raphael finished. "I know. You don't have to keep saying it. But, it doesn't change the fact that I still killed him."

"And killing yourself would accomplish what?" Leonardo asked in frustration.

Raphael looked away. "It's the only way you, Don and Mike can be safe…safe from me."

Leonardo gasped slightly in shock. "What's happened to you, Raph?" he whispered sadly. "There was a time when you would have said suicide was a coward's way out."

Raphael pushed his brother's hands off of his shoulders and headed for the doors at the end of the chamber. Leonardo watched his brother walk away and knew that there was nothing he could do or say to change Raphael's mind. He simply nodded and fought back tears that threatened to fall.

"Okay," Leonardo said.

Raphael stopped walking and turned around. "Okay?" he repeated, voice containing shock and confusion over his brother's acceptance of his decision.

"If this is what you want then...then fine," Leonardo replied. "Whatever you decide, live or die, I'll back you one hundred percent, but just so you know, whichever you decide, I'm coming with you."

Raphael turned and stared at him. "Leo-" he began before Leonardo cut him off.

"But, I'm not the only one you're leaving behind, and the others won't let you go, not without a fight." Leonardo strode towards Raphael and towards the door that would rob him of his own life. He strode past Raphael stopping just short of the double doors, his hands hovering just over the oak to push them open.

"I couldn't protect you, Raph. You had to kill Alfredson because I was too weak to help you. I should have been able to protect this family in the first place, but instead, you were the one that Alfredson tormented, and now, even though he's dead, he's still tormenting you."

"Just cause you're our big brother, doesn't mean you gotta protect us all the time, Leo. You died for a few moments, remember?"

"And now you are trying to finish what Alfredson started!" Leonardo shot back at Raphael. He tried to concentrate, but he could feel himself being pulled back to the world of the living. He knew he needed more time, but time was something neither of them had any longer. "Raph-" Whatever he was going to say was lost as he vanished.

Raphael watched in shock as Leonardo suddenly disappeared. He then turned to face the looming gates of eternity. His next decision would be life or death.

"Breathe, Leo! Breathe!" Michelangelo yelled frantically, pressing hard on his big brother's chest desperately.

Leonardo took a deep ragged breath before coughing harshly. He slowly opened his eyes to find himself lying on his back beside Raphael; where he had left his brothers a few short minutes ago. Donatello was still desperately doing CPR on a non-responsive Raphael.

Leonardo felt a heavy sadness clench his heart. "Donny, I think it's time to let Raph go," he said softly. Carefully sitting up, he placed his hands upon Donatello's hands, that were performing chest compressions.

Donatello glared up at him his hands stilling for a moment. "Raph never gave up on you," he pointed out stiffly before he started CPR again. "Why should we give up on him?" he asked between breaths.

"Because, Raph made his choice," Leonardo replied wretchedly, pushing himself up.

Donatello shook his head in defiance. "No way," he argued. "Suicide is never a choice. It's the coward's way out."

Michelangelo looked down sadly at his lifeless brother. Was Raphael so far gone that he would decide to take his own life? What would push someone to that point in thinking that there was no other way out but death?

Leonardo pulled his knees to his chest and wrapped his arms around his legs. He had promised he would follow Raphael, wherever he went, but as the seconds ticked down it became harder and harder to keep that promise. He desperately prayed to Raphael, to make the right choice, to come back to them, because if he didn't, Leonardo wouldn't know what he would do if Raphael chose death. Suddenly, there was a sound that Leonardo would never forget as long as he lived; Raphael's sharp intake of breath.

The red masked turtle took a deep breath before falling into a violent coughing fit. The three other brothers stared at him in shock. Donatello quickly turned Raphael over onto his side before Raphael could choke. Leonardo and Michelangelo looked anxiously at their brother as he continued to cough water up from his lungs.

"Are you really back, Raph?" Michelangelo asked in a small voice, rubbing his brother's shell to help the coughing fit.

Raphael slowly stopped coughing and looked up at his brothers. Never before had the colors blue, orange and purple looked so good. Raphael smiled weakly.

"Yeah, Mikey," he wheezed hoarsely. "I'm back to stay."

"Good," Michelangelo said. He gave his brother a gentle whack on the back of the head. "That's for making the most stupid mistake of your life," he scowled disapprovingly.

Raphael winced slightly partially from the hit but mostly from the guilt of what he almost did. "Yeah, I probably deserved that," he agreed. He looked over at Leonardo who was fighting very hard to hold back his tears. "This still doesn't change anything."

"Yeah, it does," Leonardo argued softly. "You just proved that you're not a killer."

Raphael frowned and Donatello and Michelangelo looked from Leonardo to Raphael in a confused questioning manner.

"What do you mean?" Raphael asked.

"If you can't kill yourself, then you can't kill anyone else," Leonardo told him self-assuredly. "The nightmares are wrong."

Raphael thought about his brother's words and allowed them to sink in. A strange sense of relief washed over him and he leaned into Donatello's lap as exhausting fatigue came with the relief. A tired smile spread across Raphael's face as he closed his eyes. He felt one of his brothers gently lift him up into a bridal style position and started to carry him back home. The last thought Raphael had before he drifted off to sleep was it felt good to prove Alfredson wrong, even in death.

Let be known that that was the most angsty thing I have ever written in my entire life and I never would have been able to pull it off without my fabulous beta-readers Amonraphoenix and Darkunderworld. You guys rock!

Reviews are welcome, flames are not.