Sorry about last week, I got really busy. I hope you'll forgive me after that chapter. And I would love to hear what you think and what your thoughts are on where this story should be going, I'm kind of stuck.
Cuddled on the sofa, we both watch Artie and Leo playing with a big smile on our faces. I have a mug in my hand and you're holding the other one, absentmindedly rubbing the back of it with your thumb. We look like the perfect happy family and I still can't believe it. One week ago I was crying in Ivy's apartment, thinking that I had lost you forever, and now here we are, acting like the perfect couple. And I can't help but watch out for the next bump in the road. My heart has been hurt before and it has lost its confidence.
There are so many things that could go wrong. There are still so many people that don't respect us as a couple. So many people that can't accept a couple born from infidelity. And I don't blame them. We're starting on bad grounds. How can we trust each other when we know we have already broken the sacred bound of relationships before? Of course it was to be with each other, but doesn't it mean that our heart can easily be stolen by someone else?
I brush that thought away, telling myself that it's because we have something special that knows no boundary and that we can't find with anybody else. But what if I'm wrong? What if in five years, ten maybe, I fall in love with someone else? Or what if you're the one to find somebody else? What if our relationship flickers like the one I had with Frank did?
I'm starting to panic and you immediately take notice. My eyes hold a certain kind of sadness that has no reason to be there and I have that wrinkle on the forehead, the one I have every time I'm thinking about something unpleasant. And you've known me long enough to recognize the signs. You gently squeeze my hand and draw my attention. "Hey, what's going on?"
I shake my head and try to pull off a smile, in a desperate attempt at hiding my thoughts from you. "Nothing." But seeing the look on your face it failed. I see the concern in your eyes and I'm submerged by love, like every time I look into your eyes. It usually warms my heart but this time it causes a single tear to escape my eyes and roll onto my cheek. I don't ever want this love to go away and somehow I managed to convince myself that it can only end badly.
You don't let go of my hand and use the other one to brush the tear away. Seeing that I'm still not talking, you start moving off the couch and walk towards the bedroom. Your hand is still gripping mine and I don't want to ever let go, so naturally I follow you. I look over my shoulder for a second and find some relief in the fact that Artie and Leo haven't noticed the way we left the living room. I'm already creating enough drama out of nowhere by myself, I don't need to bring any more persons into it.
You sit on the bed and I do the same before sighing. I feel stupid. Really stupid. Why can't I focus on how happy I am right now instead of thinking about how our relationship might come to an end one day? And there it is. I'm thinking about it again and I feel the now familiar stinging sensation in my eyes. You probably think that I'm crazy. I feel like I'm on this roller-coaster of emotions, and you never know what's coming next and it's scary.
I've never realized that I was this broken before. When did it happen exactly? And why? A broken marriage and a relationship that shouldn't be don't do that to a person, do they? But maybe I've been playing with my feelings for far too long now, trying to force them one way or another. Apparently they didn't want to be controlled and now they're having their revenge. I don't have any control left. I'm a mess.
You look at me with a powerless expression. You don't understand what's happening and to be truthful, neither do I. It makes me chuckle through my tears and you look even more confused. You capture both my hands and squeeze them. You wait for our eyes to connect before talking. "Jules, what's going on?"
I let go of your hands and bring mine to my face, trying to wipe the tears away. "It's stupid."
"No, it's not. Not if it makes you cry. Tell me, Jules. You can tell me anything."
"You'll tell me that it's stupid."
"I promise I won't. Just tell me. I can't help you if you don't tell me."
I've managed to bring the tears down to a certain minimum and I start searching my brain for the words that could explain how I feel. But it's all tangled in a mess that I can't decipher. One look at your pleading eyes and I know that I have to give you something anyway. Even if it doesn't make sense. "I don't want this thing we have together to ever go away. I don't want to cheat again. I don't want my love for you to disappear, to turn into the love you have for a friend. I love you too much for that." I don't know if you understood everything through all my sobbing. I'm not even sure there is something to understand. I'm looking at my hands, now resting on my lap, and the only thing I feel is the burning sensation of tears on my cheeks.
You're looking at me with eyes wide open in surprise, but I don't see that. You're apparently trying to understand where that all came from. It seems like I'm the only one looking for all the ways this could go wrong. And in a sense I'm glad that it's the case. We need at least one of us to look into the future with bright eyes, we can't have two basket cases expecting to get hurt.
After a few minutes you've regained some of your composure and your smile is back in place. You gently lift my chin with your hand and force me to look into your optimistic eyes. "I love you too and this will never go away. I know it's stupid to think that love lasts forever. Both our lives prove that-" You find yourself forced to bring my face up again because your last words weren't the hopeful ones I was expecting at all, and I suddenly feel like I don't want to listen to them anymore. "But I must be stupid because I strongly believe that our love for each other will never die. It can't. Not after all we've been through-"
Once again I find myself skeptical. It's not because you've decided to be an incorrigible optimist that I can do the same as easily. "But what if it fades anyway?"
"I promise you that I will do anything so that it never fades. I won't let it turn into just friendship. I will never cheat and I will make sure that you never feel the need to either. I'll never forget how I feel about you today. How I love everything about you. How I want to make you happy more than anything else in the world. How kissing you feels like I'm flying with angels. How every moment we spend together makes my feelings grow even stronger. I'll be at your side until my last breath and our love will never go away."
There is a part of my brain that still has a lot of objections that could ruin your beautiful speech but the other part takes a hammer and smashes it. You're here with me and making me all these promises and I would be a fool for ruining that. It feels right in the moment and I start to believe that maybe you're telling the truth. And even if you're not, even if someday things don't turn out exactly the way we wanted them to, we still have today. Today I love you and today you love me back. That should be enough, and maybe it is.
There is now a wide smile on my tear-streaked face and I throw my arms around your neck, pressing my lips into yours. You kiss me back softly, trying to convey all the feelings that you can't put into words, glad that you were able to defuse the ticking bomb that I was without too much difficulty. The thing I don't know is that I've made you think too. And you've taken a decision.
You've decided that from here on, you would do anything to make this family happy. You've realized that this was the happiness you had always been looking for. This is it. Right now, right there, and there is no letting it go. Ever.