Disclaimer: FMA doesn't belong to me. That of course, doesn't stop me from tormenting the poor characters.

How to make your boss talk

Brigadier General Roy Mustang had a very interesting group of people working for him, and no one would say otherwise. They were very different from each other in certain ways, but all very close. And as friends, they took care of each other when they thought it was necessary. But recently, Mustang himself had become the source of the group's concern… or at least, for the other guys in the group.

"Mustang refused to go out with us again?" Breda asked over his beer.

The bar was quite full as usual. It was Saturday night and having a drink to relax and forget about work and all the problems related to it was almost compulsory. However, Mustang - who used to be the first to call it a day and call the others to go out on Saturday – had left for home.

"I wouldn't say he refused. He just said he was tired and wanted to go home," Fuery explained.

"In other words, he refused," Breda insisted. "I don't get it. When was the last time he came to the bar with us?"

"That day before the holiday, remember?" Falman said, summoning up his superhuman memory.

"That was about three months ago," Havoc complained. "Hawkeye not going out with us is normal, but before all that crap with the homunculi and the promised day or whatever, when he was still colonel, Mustang went with us to every bar in this city."

"Do you think something's wrong with him?" Fuery asked, somewhat worried.

"I have no idea. I think he just needs to cheer up a little."

"He won't go out anymore, or do anything outside the office. And he's been considerably quieter now. Where's all the complaining, and bragging, and teasing we were all used to?"

"Let's just drag him along the next time we go out. And you know what?" Havoc asked, hitting the table with his glass of whisky. "When was the last time he had a date?"

"Talking about it, I haven't heard him brag about any dates in a very long time," Breda observed.

"You know that woman at the shop near the headquarters? The shop on the corner? She really has an interest in him," Havoc said. "She has asked me about him before."

"Evelyn? She also asked you about him?" Kain said, finally finishing his first beer whereas all the others had already drunk twice or three times the same amount.

"Yeah, Evelyn. That girl's a pistol. Let's drag him along next Saturday and tell her he'll be here."

The others agreed, thinking that this should help their boss feel better, as apparently, something had been bugging him lately. With a beautiful girl like Evelyn, what could go wrong?

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"What? Date? What are you talking about?" Mustang almost spat his whisky.

"Evelyn is here just because of you, man," Havoc whispered, elbowing his boss and smiling mischievously.

Mustang glanced at the woman, who was now asking Lieutenant Hawkeye where she had bought the jacket she was wearing. The lieutenant had come only because Roy had invited her, but she didn't seem to be enjoying the night so much.

"Why are you trying to set me up?" Roy turned back to Havoc.

"Come on, man. You need to go out more, see people, have fun. And considering all the things I've heard about that girl, I'll bet she's a lot of fun."

Mustang's face clearly showed what seemed to be – Havoc could barely believe it – nervousness. Mustang? Nervous about a date? Havoc was beginning to think they had waited way too long to do something about Roy's secludedness.

"I didn't ask you to set me up. I can get a date any time I want," he growled.

"Oh, cheer up! Look, she's coming," Havoc said, pulling Roy's shoulder to make him turn around and face Evelyn. "Don't be rude, man."

"Hi…" Roy said, forcing a smile that looked terribly unnatural.

"Hello, Brigadier General," Evelyn said with the voice of an angel. A couple of guys from a table behind them had their beer glasses halfway to their mouths, completely forgotten as they admired the elegantly dressed woman standing in front of them.

"I'll get some more whisky," Mustang said, before making a bee-line to the counter.

"I'll go with you," Evelyn offered, taking him by the elbow and following him around.

The group watched attentively, surprised that Mustang seemed to be very uncomfortable with the girl's company.

Mustang stopped by the counter and asked for another glass of whisky. As the waiter disappeared to the kitchen looking for a new bottle to open, Roy turned to Evelyn, who finally let go of his arm.

"Listen, Evelyn…" he began.

"I know you haven't gone out in a while, but why don't we just relax and have fun tonight?" Evelyn said, playing with her hair and smiling at him.

"The guys told you that?"

"Jean was the one who called me. He thought I might be able to cheer you up a little."

"Well, the thing is… It's not that I haven't gone out in a long time. I haven't gone out with them in a long time. I'm… in a relationship now. They just don't know about it," Roy explained.

"Oh…"

"I'm sorry about that. If I'd known they had called you, I'd have told you. But Jean there is single, the other guys are not taken either, except for Falman if I'm not mistaken."

"It's a shame. I like Jean, but he smokes and I can't stand the smell. I guess I should get going before I get you in trouble with your girl, right?"

"Sorry." Roy offered her the most apologetic smile he could force himself to give.

Evelyn got the purse she had left at the table, said good night to everybody and left, apparently not offended but not very happy either.

"What the hell?" Breda said, before Roy joined them again.

"Something wrong with her?" Falman asked Mustang.

"Nothing. Just don't set me up anymore, okay? If I ever need help in that department, which I don't, I'll let you know," Roy said in a serious tone, which made the others all look at each other very confused. No one dared say a word about the incident the rest of the night.

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"Awkward? That's an understatement," Breda said as they gathered in the office the next Monday.

Mustang was locked in his private office working and Hawkeye was late for work, something that didn't happen often. Therefore, the guys had the perfect opportunity to discuss the matter and dodge work for a moment.

"Evelyn said he told her he was already seeing somebody," Havoc said, in a tone that showed he wasn't sure whether to believe it.

"A couple of years ago, he would brag about any date he had. Now he's got a girlfriend and he doesn't tell anyone? I don't think he told her the truth."

"Either he is alone or he's come out of the closet," Havoc joked.

The whole group burst out in laughter just to think of it. Mustang? No way in hell. Breda slapped his own forehead, still chuckling. Falman was still trying to recover; Fuery had just managed to control himself and Havoc let out one last loud "Ha!", before they all stopped and stared at each other in silence for a moment.

"He's not gay, is he?"

"Nah, he can't be. We've seen him with I don't know how many women before. If he was gay he would have figured it out long ago."

Before they could go on any further discussing their boss' problems, Mustang walked out of his private office, rubbing his forehead and complaining of headache. He got to a desk in the room they shared, made a weird face, then sneezed a couple of times and sat down, cursing at the flu he had gotten. The rest of the morning was pretty dull. With Mustang in a terrible mood due to his flu and Hawkeye not there to control their boss' crabbiness, everybody preferred to be quiet. Nobody wanted to stick his head out and get in the line of fire.

It was almost lunchtime when Mustang stood up and said he was going home. Apparently the flu he had gotten had affected his stomach and he was feeling very sick.

"Didn't you eat something bad?" Fuery asked.

"No, nothing different. It's just the flu. Lieutenant Hawkeye will be here in the afternoon, she just called," Mustang said. "She's in charge. I'm out of here."

"Why is she late anyway?" Falman asked when Mustang was gone.

"I think she's feeling under the weather or something."

And in fact, when Riza arrived at about one o'clock in the afternoon, she didn't look much better than Mustang did in the morning.

"You must have a hell of a cold," Breda observed. "You rarely skip even half a day of work."

"It's my stomach. I woke up feeling too sick to go to work. But I'm better now."

"You woke up sick?" Havoc said, looking rather interested in the apparently unimportant information.

"I have the flu," Riza replied, seriously. For some reason, no woman in the world could wake up feeling sick without raising the suspicion of a possible pregnancy.

Lieutenant Havoc shrugged, saying, "I know, I didn't say anything."

"Funny thing," Sergeant Fuery started saying. "General Mustang had the sa-"

There was a thump and Fuery winced and cringed slightly in his chair, as Havoc's boot collided with his shin. Lieutenant Hawkeye stared suspiciously at the two men, before she decided she was feeling too ill to care at the moment. She didn't stay in the office for long, though. There was a phone call and she soon left to take some reports to Fuhrer Grumman's secretary. No sooner had she left than Fuery turned to Havoc, very annoyed.

"What did you kick me for?"

"Mustang said he's in a relationship, but he didn't tell any of us. Why would he do that? Why hide a relationship unless it could cause him some trouble? I was thinking about it and something just occurred to me." Havoc said, clearly pleased with himself. The others all put down their work to look at the blond man.

"Did you notice that they had the same symptoms? The same flu? Mustang and Hawkeye?" Havoc continued.

"That's what I was going to say just before you kicked me," Kain complained.

"But none of us has got anything. It's only the two of them and we work here all day."

"And?" Breda asked.

"Are you implying that they are together?" Fuery was, surprisingly, the first to understand what Havoc meant.

"It would explain Mustang's behavior lately."

"Thinking about it, Hawkeye was at the bar when we tried to set the boss up with that girl. You think that's why he nearly freaked?" Breda inquired.

"There must be some mistake. I don't think they're together," Falman said.

Havoc pulled some money out of his pocket, demanding a bet almost immediately. Falman, already used to the usual bets over anything they could think of, and enjoying a good reputation of winning most of them, took the challenge without thinking twice.

Now they had only one problem. How could they know who was right?

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Another three weeks had gone by before the guys could convince Mustang to go to a bar with them on a Saturday night again. Hawkeye hadn't expressed any wish to join them this time and Havoc and Breda had come up with a flawless (hopefully) plan.

"Seriously, if he's got his gloves, I'm out," Fuery whispered.

"If he starts to look too pissed, Havoc will fake a coughing fit and that will be our signal to abort the mission," Breda said.

"Mission? It's a bet we're talking about," Falman complained. "And by the way, should Hawkeye show up…"

"We abort and run for cover."

"Okay guys, hold your positions… The target has been sighted," Havoc said with a smirk, as an unsuspecting Mustang walked into the bar, wearing somewhat casual clothes and looking around for them. Roy went to the counter and asked for his usual whisky before going to the table. Rarely did he drink anything different.

"Hey, boss!" they all called him more or less at the same time, as Roy got himself a chair and finally joined them at the table in a more quiet corner of the bar.

"You guys are damn noisy. Are you drunk already?" he inquired the others.

"No, we were just talking. And by the way, sorry about the thing with Evelyn the other time. It took us a while to figure it out. If we had known before we wouldn't have called her," Havoc said, sounding as casual and not concerned as possible.

"If you had known what?" Roy asked, now looking a little worried.

"Oh, you know. And we want to say that we're cool with it. We respect you, regardless of your… choices," Breda added.

Just by Breda's side, Havoc had to pretend to look for something under the table so Mustang wouldn't notice his terrible struggle not to laugh.

"Choices?"

"Yeah, I mean. We don't mind it as long as you don't hit on any of us, because that would be uncomfortable, you know what I'm saying?"

"Hit on any of- Why the hell would I hit on you guys?" Mustang raised his voice and took on the most befuddled expression ever.

"Come on, man. After being so secluded for such a long time and even turning down that woman, you couldn't expect us to not be suspicious," Havoc said, sitting up straight again.

"Do you think I'm gay?" Roy's expression had gone from befuddled to totally shocked. At least if the plan didn't work, Mustang's face alone would make it worth it.

"Like I said, you're still the boss and we respect you anyway," Breda insisted.

"I'm not gay! Where did you get that idea from?" Mustang said considerably loudly.

"Whisky!" the waiter yelled from the counter, to which Mustang stood up and went to get his drink, still not able to believe his men thought he had suddenly become gay.

To make things worse, Mustang would learn that yelling 'I'm not gay' in a bar could call unwanted attention very quickly.

"Hey there," a guy said, stopping by his side at the corner.

"What?" Roy said irritably, stirring his drink.

"It's no crime, you know?" the man said, with a slight smile.

Mustang stared speechlessly at the guy for a moment, shook his head and turned around, wondering if that night could possibly get any weirder. He sat back at the table, determined to make it clear that he was still straight.

"I turned down that woman because I have someone, dammit. You could have gotten me in trouble that day," he said, taking a large sip of his whisky.

"Yeah, right. How come you won't introduce us to this 'someone'?"

"What's his name?" Fuery risked saying, happy to join the attempt to drive the boss nuts.

"It's a woman, not a guy," Mustang uttered, frustrated.

"Then what's her name?" Havoc asked this time.

Mustang had apparently talked himself into a corner now. He was quiet for a moment, before Breda gave him a strong pat in the back.

"Don't make such a big deal of it. There's nothing wrong with it."

"You guys are idiots. Just because you haven't seen me with a woman in a while now all of a sudden you think I'm gay?" the Brigadier General said, taking another big sip of his whisky. "I didn't tell you about my girlfriend because it's Riza I've been dating."

Mustang raised an eyebrow at the others as they all, except for Falman, grinned at him. They should have been shocked at the news, shouldn't they?

"Ok, you won," Falman moaned, handing Havoc some cash.

"What's going on?"

"We thought it might be her," Havoc said, putting the money in his pocket, beaming at his boss.

"The gay thing…" Roy started.

"We know you're not gay," Falman explained.

"We just threw the bait, man. You're the one who bit," Breda said with a laugh. "By the way, I'm happy to know about you and Hawkeye. But you couldn't possibly think you could hide it from us for long."

Breda, Havoc, Falman and Fuery laughed, congratulated their still shocked boss and raised their glasses to make a toast.

"Couldn't hide it?" Mustang hissed as soon as he recovered. "We've been together for almost a year now. And I had just bought a ring to propose to her when you came up with this stupid surprise date for me!"

"Really? A year?"

At least now they were surprised.

"One year? Gee, we didn't mess things up, did we?" Fuery asked, now truly concerned.

"No, she knows it was your idea, not mine," Mustang said.

"You're going to propose to her?" Breda asked.

"I already did, but we can't wear the rings in public for now. I was going to tell you about it soon. If you wanted to know you could have just asked me, you morons," he snapped again.

"So she said yes?"

"She did," Mustang now smiled, his annoyance fading away for a moment, though not for long. "But really, what on earth has possessed you to meddle in my personal life like that?" he continued, looking quite angry this time.

"It was Havoc's idea," Falman, Breda and Fuery said at the same time.

"Hey!" Havoc protested, despite knowing it was useless.

"I should have thought so," Mustang complained.

"So, when are you going to get married?"

The conversation finally assumed a normal tone, everyone curious to know about Mustang and Hawkeye's plans. They chatted the next two hours away, before Mustang said he wanted to go. Riza was probably already asleep, but he wanted to go to her place and spend the rest of the weekend there. The other guys decided it was still too early for them to go, so they would stay a little longer. They congratulated Roy again happily, raising their glasses in the air as a way of celebration.

Mustang paid his bill and stopped by the counter on his way out to talk to the guy who had tried to hit on him before.

"Hey."

"Oh, hi!" the guy said. "Changed your mind?"

"Sorry, I'm really not gay, but you see the tall blond there?"

"Oh, I see him. He's gay? I was placing my bets on the one with the glasses, but…"

"Actually… None of them are, but it would be really nice if you could go there and hit on the blond one," Mustang said, showing the man some money.

"Hm… Would you like me to be discreet or noisy?"

"Noisy, definitely."

"Sweeten the pot and it will be my pleasure, honey."

Mustang pulled another bill out of his wallet. It would definitely be worth it, he thought, as he sat by a table in a dark corner to watch the scene. Havoc wouldn't want to come to that bar ever again.

A/N: Hello everybody! Before anything, let me just say that the jokes in this story aren't meant to offend anybody. I don't have anything against gays and I have a quite a few gay friends, both men and women. That said, I hope you laughed a little with this story. It's always fun for me to write something a little bit more light-hearted as this story. Please leave me a review with your opinion and check my long story "The Mind Alchemist". Thanks a lot for reading and have a good weekend!