Disclaimer: Mass Effect is property of Bioware.

Chapter 2: In Which Feces is Mentioned

Time: 0800

Next Morning

Normandy Vents

Coat: Check.

Backpack w/Electronics: Check.

Sunglasses: Double Check.

Shadow: Check

Food: Check.

"Okay." I rub my hands. "Let's take stock of the situation shall we?" I say to Shadow. The Hen clucks in response as she pecks at an ear of corn. Thank god for luxury rations. "First: Where are we? The Normandy SR-2 obviously but in space? Dunno." Probably should be concerned I'm talking to a chicken.

"Second: This is obviously in the Mass Effect 2 timeline if the Cerberus logos and proper lighting are anything to go by. Though by the looks of it this is before the Collector attack yet the romance is happening sooner than it should. Hmm, alternate universe from the game. This oughta be interesting." I ramble as Shadow clucks.

"Third: What to do now? Shepard and Tali are after my ass. In Tali's case, probably literally. I've already run into Garrus meaning I have a former C-Sec detective on us too. Peachy." I sigh.

"Bright side is they can't see us in the vents, I checked. No cameras or sensor devices, odd since I thought there would be some. Gift horse though, not complaining. Now…what to do." I sit there in the vent and ponder for a bit.

"Ah hell, let's go prank Miranda."

Time 0815

Deck 3

By this time of the morning the early shift was up and getting their breakfast. To everyone else it was standard. To the ground squad that attended breakfast they could sense the hostility emanating from Shepard and Tali. To those in the know it seemed obvious.

"Intimacy troubles?" Garrus joked. He really was glad the two were together and wished them the best but he had to play his role and make the jokes. Shepard leveled a glare at Garrus. "Just asking." He backed off quick.

John sighed. After the Stowaway left they had been able to rekindle the fire, but he and Tali were still bent on capturing the man. Though on the bright side their mutual anger had made their 'nocturnal activities' very…fiery. "Sorry Garrus we're just a little…mad I guess."

"Mad is an understatement." Tali ground out.

Garrus's mandibles twitched in the turian equivalent of an eyebrow raise.

"The shipwide alert I sent about the Stowaway? He was in my cabin while…" Shepard let him get the rest.

"The Chicken Guy was peeping on you?" Garrus said.

"Yeah he was…Chicken Guy?" Shepard asked.

"He was holding one and I know because I looked them up." Garrus said to answer any further questions. "He was in your cabin right as you two were about to…?"

Tali and Shepard nodded. "Come to think of it, he was holding a chicken. I hadn't really noticed then." Tali said. Shepard nodded in agreement.

"Why would a vagrant choose to bring a domestic fowl with him?" Thane commented. He had been there the whole time, simply choosing not to speak. "It would be a burden on space and resources. As well as its waste."

"Good point." Garrus said. "Doesn't matter since he seemed to vanish into thin air." All eyes on Garrus now. "I caught him in the kitchen last night swiping some food. He noticed me and bolted." He left out how he gave himself away. "Turned a corner and he was gone."

Thane went into a state of deep thought, which was interrupted by a yell from Miranda's quarters. Sure enough she came out and went straight for the Commander.

"Shepard we have a serious issue!" She said, practically beside herself.

"What is it?" John asked.

Miranda calmed herself into the professional expression she always wore. "I stepped out for one minute and I come back to find…" She couldn't say it. "Come see for yourself." She left without waiting for a reply.

Shepard went to follow her with Tali, Garrus and even Thane right behind, joining because of simple curiosity.

Everyone who was gathered around Miranda's desk was wishing they hadn't come there. The look of it was bad enough but the consistency and smell. Oh the smell was the worst.

"Keelah it's…I don't know what to say!" Tali complained. Her olfactory filters hadn't closed off quick enough to spare her the stench.

"Indeed." Thane remarked through his hands.

"How can something so small smell so bad?" Garrus asked, even though he never wanted the answer.

"Like I said Commander, we have a serious situation." Miranda gestured to the stinky, goopy, partially liquid yet deceptively small, turd.

John nodded in agreement. "We clearly have a pest on board." He leaned in closer to the feces even though he desperately wanted to leave and never return.

"Is it a coincidence that this happens right after that Stowaway disappears?" Tali said.

Shepard understood what she was getting at. "You mean the chicken right?"

As the conversation turned to possible entry points for the Stowaway and why would the chicken relieve itself right there on Miranda's desk, Thane had turned his full focus to the vent on the ceiling, his seasoned assassin mind determining the possibility of the Stowaway using the ventilation system as a means of transportation. It was incredibly likely considering his experience with the Duct Rats.

"Everyone." He said, bringing silence to the group. They followed his gaze and understood.

I really had nothing against Miranda, not until ME 3 at least, but the cold bitch attitude never sat well with me; primarily why I never talked with her much. Considering this was the ME 2 time period and she was still a cold bitch I couldn't resist.

It was hard to contain my mirth when I saw Miranda's reaction to Shadow's 'present.' It became even harder when Shepard, Tali, Garrus and Thane entered the room. Just seeing their expressions were hilarious, especially Tali and Garrus. The former because Tali had actually recoiled at the smell and the latter because I could see actual facial expressions, as opposed to the mandible twitches. All around it was funny.

I got a quick photo on my iPhone, on silent of course, and backed around a corner with Shadow to relive the prank without being discovered.

"This is gold, Shadow." I said to the Hen. "Only pulled a few pranks before but still!" I let slip a small giggle and put the phone away.

I was about to leave the area when a sound caught my ears, or rather a lack of sound. The chatter from below had stopped which had me curious. I peek around the corner to investigate why when a glimpse of green skin and black eyes had me pulling back.

"Thane…" I whisper.

This is bad. Thane was the worst possible person to catch me. If he even caught a glimpse of me, and it was almost certain he did, he could use his training and experience to determine where I'd most likely go in the vent system and set a trap, or chase me himself and put me in a corner. The odds were stacked against me so I did the only logical action, run.

I can't remember how far I had crawled through the vent, how many turns I'd taken or what deck I was on. I had lost my sense of direction while I tried to throw Thane off my trail if he did pursue, hoping the echo of the ducts would prevent him from tracking by sound.

I was coming off of my adrenalin high and could feel the ache in my limbs from my exertions; crawling through vents was harder than it looked. I stopped to rest for a bit, feeling I was safe for now.

I probably should have checked where I had stopped because the next thing I knew the grate above me have been pulled off and I was yanked out of the vent by a biotic field, the blue glow giving it away. I was spun around to face the pistol poised over my forehead by a tattoo covered arm.

"Well ain't this a fine kettle of fish." I say.

One more down! I'm gonna try and do a twice a week routine. Maybe. At the least it'll be once a week.

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