TITLE | born out of thorns
PAIRINGS/CHARACTERS | Rin/Len, duh.
RATING | M
SUMMARY | It is the most terrifying and horrifying feeling when Len realises he is in love with his sister.
NOTES | You want to know what I did instead of updating? Probably not, but here's the vague gist - I got a job, I fed a possum and I didn't get rabies, so one point to Amaryne, zero for nature. I stared at Martin Freeman's face for about 90 years. Then I started writing what, again, was supposed to be a oneshot of Rin's perspective of this entire you're-sexy-except-oops-you're-related-to-me conundrum that we have here... which then, like everything else I've ever done in my life, turned into a monster and is now 34 pages with absolutely no telling of when it'll end. And that's when I thought, okay Amaryne, you should probably finish this first. So here it is!

If you read through all that wall of text, I commend you and thank you.

Also, to dear Anon who left the last review: I read your review as soon as it processed through. I was going to reply, but alas, you didn't leave any contact details... log in and review next time, and we can be friends? Yes? No? You're lovely, by the way! Like actually! Thank you so much. To you and everyone else who's ever reviewed or had any kind of faith in me, really!

Okay, onwards!

/

This is what he remembers.

His dad knocking on the bathroom door mid-kiss with Rin, and him pulling away from her wet mouth and lying without a second thought: "I'm in the shower, dad!"

"Do you know where Rin is?"

And he feels her pause against him and she mouths: I've gone out. I'm out.

"She went out, dad!"

"Oh," his father says, sounding slightly affronted - not that he really notices, because that's when Rin pulls him down to her and starts coaxing his tongue into her mouth.

What he learns about himself in this moment is that he's a terribly, disgustingly hormonal. Which isn't a surprise, being a male teenager and everything, except there's kissing your girlfriend and realising that there's a distinct possibility of getting to third base and then there's making out with your twin sister in your bathroom and realising you'd probably sleep with her and then some if she said yes.

And there's still a little anthem of I can't, I can't, I can't at the back of his head except he thinks he's kind of mastered the ability to shut off parts of his brain at will because he's still kissing her. He doesn't really want to stop. Her mouth is warm and nice and kind of shy in a typically sweet, Rin-ish way - which sends a strange, twisted thrill through his chest, down to the bottom of his stomach and that's when his hands start fisting into themselves again on the bathroom counter just to keep them from sliding into the material of her shorts. That's when her hands slide down from his cheeks to his shoulders, and she pulls away from him a little with a smack, panting.

"Your eyes are really dark," she says, finally.

He breathes out. "I'm not surprised," he replies. It takes a while to pull away from all the warmth and the heavy breathing and the feel of Rin's bare legs between his but he does, eventually.

Then he steps back and lets the cold, chilly tiles bring him back to Earth, pressing his hands against his eyes. "Jesus, Rin," he says.

Her breath hitches. "Do you not want to -"

"Of course I want to. Jesus hell, of course I want to," he says, exasperated, "I just -"

"Keep your voice down. Dad might hear."

He looks up at her, at just - her general honesty, the sincerity, her face and how beautiful it is; and he's not sure why it's suddenly so prominent in this moment but it is and it makes his heart ache and it makes him want to bury himself down in a place where no one can see him.

"Len..."

How are you fine with this? he wants to ask, except he doesn't because he - selfishly - doesn't want her to take her offer off of the table. Well, he does, on some levels - but for the most part? Not really, no.

"I've got a lot of homework," he says, the words woolly in his mouth. "And... it... I need to do it. So we should... I'll..."

The look on her face is heartbreaking. All resigned and understanding and - Jesus Christ. She slides off of the bathroom counter.

"Okay," she says, in a dumb, apologetic way - which she shouldn't, she - she doesn't need to apologise, not for this. Sure, she's making him feel like shit, but it's not her fault. "I'll give you some time."

Then she walks out of the bathroom like nothing's happened.

/

What he realises in the next few days is that Rin watches him, just like he watches her. The sharp sink of shame has dissolved itself into a soft curiousity and it has his gaze lingering on her longer than what he'd normally allow. She'll look back, too, over dinner tables and across halls and in between classes; and there won't be a gleam or a spark or anything - just heat. A build up of fire, the slow climb towards temptation. And his mouth will go dry and he thinks his eyes must go dark because then she'll smile, except it'll be a shy, nervous smile and that's when he's pulled back down to Earth just because his chest will tighten dangerously, warningly; that's when he looks away. This is when the shame comes in, in thin washes and small twisting knives, in his stomach and through his head, but it's different. By this point it's moreso the looming knowledge and the concept of Rin wants me to kiss her, she wants me to hold her, I am in her head as more than a brother that sends his thoughts from a gust to a tornado than the knee-jerk no it is wrong it is disgusting, I am so sick in the head.

If she reminds him of them again, she does it in the best and worst possible ways - like the lingering of her touch on his shoulder or a small smile behind her book or a slightly husky good night called out to him before he goes to sleep.

He thinks she must have been born to drive him insane.

/

It's strange to go back to school, where everything is the same, when everything in his life has changed dramatically. It's strange to look at all the people around him and think that they must have secrets like his too; that anything could have happened, big or small, that their lives could have changed completely or not budged an inch and that the only reason this is even a thought in his mind is because he's shared the same building with them for seven hours a day, five days a week, for the past five years.

And Rin is everywhere, like she's always been. Talking at assemblies, presenting charities, performing her prefect duties and smiling at all the students in the hallway because she knows them and they think they know her: Rin Kagamine, blonde and petite, simple and sweet. Pure and innocent like nothing else.

Except this is the same girl who sometimes says her so-called best friend's name like it's the ugliest word in the world; this is the same girl who pushed her tongue into her twin brother's mouth, twice. He's not sure why knowing that and thinking that makes his heart swell in his chest, it just does. It makes him want to sit down and write songs about it, poems. It makes him want to put it on paper, as evidence, as proof, and then not show anyone it because it's his secret.

See, he thinks. This can't be love. Love can't be this unhealthy. He can't think thoughts like this and think it's romantic, it's not. It's sick. Even if it was for some girl, and not someone who was directly related to him, these thoughts and feelings just aren't right. It's clingy, it's creepy. He's not sure whether it's his good or bad luck that Rin's encouraging this all with her small smiles and her lingering touches.

He spends a few lunchtimes thinking nothing but this - not actively, of course. It's like what happens before he falls asleep; he'll be thinking about what he should do for his next assignment and then he'll remember that he has no idea what he's going to do with his life and somehow this links into the fact that he's in love with Rin and she thinks it's okay.

And then one lunchtime he hears, "Look, Rin, look. This is a Len in his natural habitat."

"Kaito -"

"Shh, Rin. Don't startle him. He's too busy drowning in his thoughts."

"I can hear you," Len says, turning around to look at them both.

Kaito looks at them both, eyes widened in mock-surprise. "Rin. Rin. It speaks."

"You're an asshole." But he grins a little despite himself, although it fades once he feels the dull pang that always comes with Rin's presence. "What do you want?"

Kaito shrugs. "I think we were supposed to do something, but then I saw you being a pensive little shit and I thought, well. That has to be stopped."

Len rolls his eyes. "Well, at least you didn't hit me this time."

Rin blinks. "You hit Len, Kaito?"

"It wasn't a hit. It was a spank. On the hand. Like, it was kinky. Watch it, though, next time it'll be your face."

"A spank on the face is just a slap, you moron."

"Fuck you, says who?"

"Says the fucking dictionary, you ass."

"Wow," Rin says, laughing a little. "I had no idea you guys were so, um - friendly."

Kaito boggles at Len. "You didn't tell her about the brotherhood? Jesus Christ, Len, you're awesome. I knew you were a true bro. Secrets forever."

"What's the brotherhood?"

"A shitty excuse to get Len out of his ass for few hours every Friday night," Kaito replies. Len just rolls his eyes again.

"So that's what you've been -? Wow, Len. Um." She laughs again, except it's a little bit lower, a little less bubbly. "I don't know what to say."

"I guess I should've told you," he says half-heartedly, looking at her. He feels his heart sink, his stance loosen.

"Well, I know now," she replies, smiling softly, like she's forgiving him for something. And even though he's not sure what it is or what it's for, he feels himself soften anyway. Jesus, her eyes are beautiful.

"Um," Kaito says, interrupting them. "Should I be leaving? Is there like, unresolved family business that's about to be resolved? Because I'll go, just say the -"

"That's where you guys are. God, would it kill you to let me know before you ditch me? See U and Oliver won't stop fighting and it's seriously getting on my -" Miku stops. At the weird tension in the air or at him, Len's not sure. "Uh. What's going on?"

They all look at each other - Kaito to Len, Len to Rin, Rin to Kaito.

"I spanked Len but he doesn't believe me," Kaito says, all mock-serious and overly-dramatic, and Len exhales.

/

"I didn't know you and Kaito were friends," Rin says casually. It's five in the afternoon and she's in the living room, painting her toenails.

He hesitates before he replies. Then he looks over his shoulder for his father, who, predictably, is still at work. "Yeah, it just happened."

She looks up from her toenails, eyes curious. "Are you guys close?"

Len frowns, and thinks about all their times battling it out in the arcade or drinking down their woes in abandoned parks. "Sort of."

Rin nods, and immediately he can tell something is off. Just - something about her seems to stiffen, to freeze. "What's wrong?" he asks, and she blinks at him, like she's surprised. Thinking about it, she probably is. He thinks of the comment Miku made before - Len, asking after someone's wellbeing?

"I, um... I feel like I should tell you something," she says. "But I'm not sure if I should. But I want to, because I want to, um. What I want to do is - but I can't - because I'm not sure - um - " She opens her mouth and closes it for a good few seconds before huffing impatiently. "I'm sorry. I don't know how to say it."

"Right," he says.

"It's about me. And Kaito," she adds, rather reluctantly. Her knees curl up to her chest and she places the nail polish on the coffee table, careful not to spill it. "I don't even know if you should know, I just... um... we... I don't know if he told you, but..." She looks at Len, as if she expects him to finish her sentence.

He doesn't answer for a while because he's not even sure he can have this conversation without feeling just a little bitter. "He mentioned 'almost dating' you," he says slowly, and that's when she nods and looks away.

"I don't even know if it's really that big a deal, we just - um - it was when you and Miku were dating, and - do you even want to know about this? I can spare you the details, if you want."

He kind of wishes she'd just gone along and said it without asking for his permission. Trust Rin. "Just say it."

"Well... Kaito was really devastated over you and Miku. And I guess I was just sick of how he was still hung up on her, and how I was kinda still hung up on him. So we - I don't know what it was. We kissed a bit," she admits, face blushing red, and he wonders what's flustering her, exactly. "It was wet and different and I think you're a much better kisser."

Now she's not even looking at him. "I totally understand if you think I'm a terrible person. Because I know, I know, how can I go behind my friend's back like that? How could I -"

"Rin," he says impatiently, before she really gets into her self-deprecating spiel. "You're not a terrible person. Never have been and you never will. So you kissed a guy. Big deal. I don't care, it doesn't matter."

She blinks up at him. "Really? Not even a little bit?"

"No," he says, exasperated. Though he supposes it isn't really all true - he doesn't like the idea of Kaito kissing Rin, no. But that's not really the point here. "That's not even logical. How could I judge you for something like that?"

"I don't know," Rin says, sounding slightly defensive. "I broke the girl code. And he's your friend now."

"Right, because breaking the girl code is what makes you a terrible person, not the law."

His words come out blunt and brutal, and he sees her stiffen a bit. Len sighs, and tries to soften his voice. "I'm sorry, that came out wrong."

"No, it's okay," she says quietly. "I know what you mean. And I don't really blame you... I mean, I came onto you pretty hard."

He smiles wryly. "Yeah. I guess you did."

She smiles back before stretching forward to touch her toes. Her toenails are blue, as they always are - a piece of sky on her feet, as she always says. When she catches him looking at her feet, her smile grows into a grin.

"Do you want to try?" she asks, holding out the nail polish.

He snorts. "Tempting, but no."

"They'll match your eyes. Warm up your complexion. Wearing flip-flops will be so much more exciting."

"I'm perfectly happy with my flip-flop wearing, thanks."

She laughs. "Okay, okay. I guess we should talk about serious things - like, um. This. Us."

He says nothing to this, and instead chooses simply to raise his eyebrows.

And say what? There's no way around this - they've hit a wall. Either do the right thing, which is to forget this ever happened and continue on like normal siblings somehow, or to do the wrong, illegal thing and sneak around for however long illicit, torrid affairs usually last. Or they can do the latter while attempting to justify to everyone why an incestuous affair should be okay - maybe they'll parade a 'love conquers all' flag and abandon everything else as they're inevitably shunned by society - and their parents. Jesus, their parents.

But he doesn't say any of this to her. He sits down next to her, and waits for her to speak, feeling like his heart is lodged in his throat.

"How are you dealing with everything?" she asks.

"...I don't think I am," he admits. "Whenever my brain starts to catch up, I feel like it's going to explode."

"I guess this is all pretty weird."

He chuckles. "Big understatement."

"When did you, um... start?"

"Start? I, uh..." This, this is something he can't exactly say. Not just because the first time he realised he had a thing for his sister was when she snuggled up against him and gave him a boner - something he's not exactly enthused to tell Rin about, even if she is okay with all of this - but because these are thoughts he's always kept suppressed, flattened down to a T, hidden at the back of his mind. It's private. It's not meant to be discussed.

She seems to notice how much he's struggling to talk and she smiles. "I'll go first if you want," she says shyly, and he nods, suddenly very curious. Although he's quite sure it'll take days of him replaying the answer over and over again before he finally believes it - if he ever does. He can't imagine Rin, innocent little Rin, looking at him from the corner of her eye, watching him whenever he enters a room, letting her gaze linger for too long, feeling that pang of jealousy whenever a girl approaches him, breaking down with the realisation that he's her brother and that this isn't right - he can't imagine that at all. It just doesn't fit with her.

"Um... you know how we keep mixing up our clothes and stuff?" she says, and her shoulder brushes a bit against his. He nods. "I really liked the smell of your clothes. Oh wow, that sounded less creepy in my head, I'm -"

"It's fine. Keep going," he interrupts.

She smiles a bit. "Okay. I started mixing them up purposefully, you know? I just really liked wearing your uniform and then laughing about it later with you - and it just felt really nice. And I didn't think much of it, you know. I mean, I did think it was a bit weird, but not enough to, you know, stop. It was harmless."

"Right," he says.

"And then... I - okay. So one day I just realised that I kept smelling your clothes. Like, needlessly. Which was weird, right? And it's just like - you're this god, kind of," she says. "Okay. I'm not saying any of this very well."

"A god?" If it wasn't so serious, he'd laugh. A god?

"It's just that I've always seen you as this... person."

"Profound," he says, and she smacks him playfully in a way that makes him grin a little.

"It's just that you were always this person that I admired from afar, you know? You're talented and witty and you hate everyone but you don't brag about it or anything. And when you started, um, appearing in our social circle - what with you dating Miku and everything - I just... I got a closer look at you. And at first it was just really interesting because you don't really meet introverted people like you in a performing arts school, you know? And everyone else who's quiet is just... quiet, but you have an aura. People still look at you."

"People look at you too."

"But I have to try," she says, smiling weakly. "That's the thing. I have to try so hard."

"What's wrong with trying?"

"Nothing. Everything. I don't know." She shakes her head. "And I'm always doing this, you know, I always analyse people - and I don't know why I do it, because it's not like I get anything right. It's not like my judgments are ever correct. But I guess, I don't know. When I started living with you and I saw how kind you were to me and how much of a good person you were, I just... couldn't stop wondering."

"About what?" he says.

"Like, what you'd look like if you really, really wanted something. Whether you'd reach out for it or just... stay the way you are. I don't know. It was just always on my mind."

"...Right," he says, thinking about her words, what she means. It's odd, looking away from her and knowing that she's waiting intently for some kind of answer. It's odd to think that she wants something from him, that her eyes are on him. Him. Him. Letting out a frustrated puff of air, he looks up at the ceiling, mulling over his own response.

"What're you thinking about?" she asks.

"You," he replies, and he thinks it's one of the most honest things he's ever said.

"...Me what?"

He looks at her, at her warm blue eyes, and he thinks: I don't deserve your affection. But he doesn't say this. Instead, he leans in experimentally, and feels his heart twist at the way she follows suit, the way her eyes flutter shut for him. For him.

He kisses her, and he tries to do it right. He tries to be accommodating, selfless, soft and gentle and like everything she should have. Like a gentleman, he supposes. It's brief and it's soft and he almost resents how she kisses him back, all pliant and responsive against him. Then when it's over, he pulls away, and he hears her whisper 'Len' before he rests his head into the hollow of her shoulder.

She seems to understand, because her hand reaches up to the back of his neck and starts stroking his hair through her fingers. He can hear a faint, dull, quick beat; it takes a while for him to realise that it's her heart. Or maybe it's his. He sighs into her skin and feels his thoughts die down to a low buzz, even as his heart races at a ridiculously fast rate. His body reacts to her in the oddest ways, he decides.

"I think I talk too much," she mumbles. He chuckles against her, though he's not quite sure what amuses him exactly. "I swear I've been the only one talking throughout this entire conversation. I still feel weird about the whole stealing your clothes thing."

"Don't," he says quietly.

They stay like that for a while. And it's like when he gets really into his compositions – his head will clear and his heart will rush and it's like nothing else exists but notes and paper and music. And time will pass and he won't even know, he won't even acknowledge it; that has been the closest to passion he's ever felt. Except this time it's not notes and paper and music, it's skin and blue eyes and blonde hair and his sister.

Rin pulls away eventually, giving him a warm and apologetic look. "Dad's going to come home soon," she says, and he already feels the distinct, vomit-inducing curl in his stomach, the disgust, like punishment for the calm and the peace he'd felt only minutes before. Dad. Dad. Dad.

It is this moment when he realises he is not going to say 'no' to her. Or 'yes'. It's just going to be this continuous mix between the two answers, boundaries blurred and thoughts foggy, and it's not going to stop. It's going to feel amazing, and it's going to revolt him. It doesn't matter what he says – as long as her answer is yes, this disposition he's found himself in is not going to stop. The thought gives him a strange thrill, and it makes him feel sick.

He stands up abruptly, glancing at the clock. She stands up with him, a small, self-deprecating smile on her face.

"There are lot of things in the world that are bad, Len," Rin says. "Are we really one of them? I don't know. Something to think about."

/

The rest of the week goes by, and things are very different. There is a build up of something between him and Rin, and there has been ever since that night outside the restaurant, out in the snow. He wonders if there's any end to how conscious he is of Rin now. Every nerve underneath his skin seems to prickle whenever she's in the room, in class or otherwise. He's still not sure if it's in anticipation or in warning, whether to deal with the dread in his stomach, the affection overflowing in his chest, or the desire that seems to simmer all over his skin.

She, somehow, starts showing up at his locker. And, somehow, he starts showing up at hers. Somehow, they have a thousand more reasons to stop in the hallway and talk. Somehow their clothes and stationary and food get mixed more often than not and they have to sort it out, together, alone. And it's like they create a language out of lies and excuses, code.

Oops, I got your jumper by accident from Rin usually becomes a half hour conversation where she relaxes and rants and does whatever she wants – and then hugs him at the end for it, light and friendly, just as anyone thinks a sister would.

Hey, do you have notes for maths from Rin usually becomes a lunch wherein they simply walk around the school, hands brushing against each other, shoulders grazing, maybe a light peck in an empty bathroom or behind a locker.

And then there's Rin, we need to figure out what to get for Dad's birthday or Rin, we need to go to the office to fix our emergency details – all bullshit excuses, which for him, translates into I need to touch you. These always turn into heated kisses behind the school, and sometimes they stay heated and hurried and when lunch is over he's still left wanting. Sometimes they slow down, though, so that they're long and patient, like they have all the time in the world. The former, he thinks, is far more self-destructive and drives him absolutely insane with how much he's left craving her. But the latter always seems to break his heart. Because afterwards she'll pull away and look at him with the most loving gaze, and all he can do is rest his forehead against hers and whisper Rin, Rin, Rin. And then she'll smile and say Len, Len, Len in a decidedly happier tone and he'll smile a bit, too.

There are lot of things in the world that are bad, Len. Are we really one of them? I don't know. Something to think about.

The answer is: no. But that's not the question. It's bordering on the question, yes. It's dancing on the sidelines. But he doesn't think that's exactly it.

Because he's never been one for social norms. They seem to elude him, most of the time. Imperfect parents, imperfect attitude. He only has a certain amount of passion and before, it was spread thinly over different, trivial subjects that did nothing for him but capture his attention for a few seconds, hours, days – photography never lasted, drawing frustrated him, writing only came out in spurts without any kind of schedule and music is something he has to force himself with an iron fist. Before, that's where all his passion existed. Now most of lies with Rin, and it kills him as much as it does not because it crosses any particular moral boundaries that he upholds or because of how other people will react (though that is certainly something he's slightly conscious of) but because it's incest. Plain and simple. He doesn't think it's wrong or that it's 'bad'. The idea just freaks him out. The idea that he can look at Rin and still associate the word 'sister' with her all the while fantasising about her and staring at her and developing this obsession with her and everything that she does. She looks like him, for crying out loud. He can't sit down and say it's fine, we're different, we didn't grow up together and when I look at her, all I see is Rin. Not my sister.

Because he sees both. He sees the same. She is his sister, and there is no way around it. There's no way to make it 'okay'. The only thing that makes it 'okay' is when he's too tired to fight it anymore.

This is why he hates himself. This is why he's more fucked up than she is. This is why.

/

NOTE: Also, by the way, because I think having a beta reader will very much boost my productivity (a lot of time was wasted on this pondering whether or not I was doing anything right), would anyone like to volunteer? I've contacted a couple of people over the interwebs but alas, I have received no response… don't worry, it won't be anything strenuous. I'm not too fussed about picking out spelling or grammar errors. I just want someone to look over my work and be like "yepyepyep" or "nopenopenope" hahaha! Thanks for reading!

There are lot of things in the world that are bad, Len," Rin says. "Are we really one of them? I don't know. Something to think about."