*whispers seductively* Hii.

Oh my God, HOW long has it been? December? I've left you without an update for 4 MONTHS? I've had reasons, I just…can't think of any right now…Sorry D:

Rated for sexual themes and complete and utter crack.

So, if any of you are still out there, I hope you enjoy! Please leave a review!

*whispers seductively* Byee.

Ghastly Bespoke, the best Elder of all time, sat in the corner of the nightclub, wallowing in his misery. Tanith was grinding against some sort of pole, practically right in front of him, and he was overwhelmed with feelings of love and desire. Of course, every so often someone would get in her way and she'd either punch them or kill them, which admittedly was putting a bit of a downer on the whole evening, and probably scarring a lot of innocent people for life, but…Damn…she could move…

Tipstaff wandered over to where he was sitting with a bottle of beer and peered down at him. "Awlright, chum?" He asked, because he was now Cockney for some reason, "Why the long face?"

Ghastly didn't even have the heart to make Tipstaff call him by his proper Elder title OR ELSE, as he was just so sad about everything. Instead he gave another heartfelt sigh and Tipstaff followed his gaze, suddenly understanding. "Ah, yeah! Bloody 'ell, mate, I feel you. I feel you right now."

Ghastly looked at him blankly. Why was he such a badass all of a sudden? The beer probably had something to do with it, he decided. "Tipstaff," he said sombrely, "What am I to do? I love her, and I need her so badly…But she's got a remnant inside of her and is screwing with that Sanguine and I –" He sniffled, wiping his eyes, "Ugh, Tipstaff, my heart is breaking and my life is over."

"No, no, no." Tipstaff suddenly yelled, whacking him on the shoulder, seemingly unaware that that offence was usually punishable by death by Ghastly's standards, "Now, you listen to me. You listen to ol' Tipstaff and you listen good."

"Um. Ok."

"You just gotta make 'er see that you're hot stuff! You gotta take her out, you gotta sweet and treat that bitch! Yeah!"

Ghastly nodded vigorously at the man, who was now doing some sort of weird thrusting thing with his hat. "Yeah! Yeah, I can do that!"

"And then you TAKE 'er!" Tipstaff dropped his voice to a dramatic whisper as he continued, "And you kiss 'er."

Ghastly glanced longingly back at Tanith and tried not to drool with desire as he nodded again.

"And when you're back at 'er place…you're gonna make love to 'er!"

"Stop it, you're killing me." Ghastly half-wailed. "That's what I want! That's all I've ever wanted!"

"I know, mate, I know! And you'll be getting' hot, and maaad, and you'll RIP THE REMNANT OUT OF 'ER, JUST WITH THE PASSION OF YOUR SEX!" Tipstaff exploded, pumping his fist in the air as most of the people around him sidled off in fear. "And that," He breathed out, "is how you're gonna go about it. Goodbye, Elder Bespoke." Tipstaff bowed low and swept away, leaving Ghastly rendered speechless.

The almighty Elder, the supreme ruler of all, was breathing heavily as he clenched his fists. Yes. Now was his chance. Tanith apparently hadn't heard Tipstaff's fabulous advice, so he could catch her unawares.

He was about to walk over when he stumbled into Valkyrie, who was holding onto a handsome man's arm and practically swooning.

"Hey, hey, Ghastly!" She beamed, "Look at who I've got here! Fred, meet Ghastly –"

"Elder Bespoke."

"Whatever. And Ghastly, meet Fred, Clarabelle's soon-to-be ex-boyfriend, once I've taken him outside and convinced him to kiss me!"

Fred shrugged, seemingly completely unbothered by the whole affair. "Cool. Whatevs."

"Damn," Valkyrie breathed, "You're so cold towards me. I love it. It's so sexy. Better than how Caelan and Fletcher acted towards me, that's for sure."

Ghastly glanced to the right, where Fletcher and Caelan were curled up on the floor sobbing. "Valkyrie, are…are they alright?"

"Hm?" She looked down at the two boys and sniffed. "Not my problem. Nothing to do with anyone else is ever my problem, because at the end of the day, I'm Valkyrie frickin' Cain and everyone else sucks. Apart from Fred here. Fred's hot."

"Mm." Fred seductively swept a hand through his hair. "I know."

"Now," Valkyrie breathed out, "if you'll excuse us, Ghastly…" She swept away, still gripping tightly onto Fred's arm as if she'd never let go, which she probably wouldn't until she got bored and cruelly dumped him, possibly resulting in death.

Ghastly shrugged and continued onwards, stepping over the inconsolable bodies of Fletcher and Caelan to make his way to Tanith. He practiced a few smiles to himself, then realised how creepy he'd look to anyone passing by, so stopped pretty quickly.

He was so close…Just a little bit nearer…

The whole place suddenly started cheering madly for Clarabelle and Thrasher's dance, and in that moment, Tanith moved from her spot. Ghastly could've cried. He shoved past a few people in an attempt to find her, but he only came across Skulduggery, who was mumbling drunken nonsense to China Sorrows, who looked distinctly unimpressed.

"And I look at you…you sexy, hot traitor…and I just wanna kill you!" He half-yelled, then considerably softened, "but I don't really, 'cos you're so hot…you're smoking hot, like a…like a volcano…Damn girl, you're so fine…"

China glanced desperately at Ghastly and whispered, "Help."

"Help? HELP? Like my family begged for help before you killed them, you deliciously sexy bitch?" Skulduggery yelled, before collapsing in a drunken heap and clutching onto her ankle. "I didn't mean that, baby. Don't ever change…"

Ghastly decided the best thing to do would be to move on again. So far he was encountering all sort of relationship problems tonight, and he had yet to even sort out his own. Oh well, third time…

"Ugh, FINE! FINE, YOU WANT ME TO SAY IT?"

…Lucky.

Vaurien Scapegrace and his idiot friend who had just finished his –admittedly pretty good – dance were arguing right in his path.

"Then I'LL SAY IT!" Scapegrace opened his arms wide as he gestured around. "I – I –"

"Master, this really isn't the best time for another one of your meltdowns!" Thrasher interrupted desperately, "I've just seen Valkyrie Cain go outside with Fred! Have you seen Fred? Have you? Sir, he is god damn fabulous. And that little demon is going to ruin everything!"

"Hello, boys!" Clarabelle chirped, popping up from nowhere, causing Thrasher to jump guiltily. "What's all this about Fred?"

Thrasher was blushing as red as a zombie could possibly go as he stammered incoherently for a while, before dramatically exclaiming. "Valkyrie Cain is getting off with your boyfriend!"

Clarabelle absent-mindedly took out a packet of Mentos and started dropping them into her drink expectantly, as if waiting for it to blow up despite the fact she was drinking apple juice. "What, really?"

"Yes!" Thrasher said, attempting to look deeply upset as he placed a hand on her shoulder. "And I think it would be best – for everyone, really, especially me – if you broke up with him. I only have your best interests at heart."

"Bitchin'." Clarabelle nodded, "Thanks. I'll look into it."

"No problem at all." Thrasher beamed, seemingly unaware of Scapegrace's miserable expression. "Anyway, sorry, Master, what were you saying?"

"Um." Scapegrace blinked. "Right, uh, nothing. Forget it."

"Ok!" Thrasher smiled again, "Well, I'm off outside, to do things which have absolutely nothing to do with Fred. As a matter of fact, I completely forgot he was even outside at all until I just mentioned it. See ya." And with that, he skipped off.

Ghastly had observed the whole conversation with such intensity that he had only just realised that Tanith had walked by him, arms linked with Billy-Ray Sanguine. He'd lost his chance to impress her and rip the remnant out of her with his passion. Through tear-blurred eyes, he turned away in rejection to see Tipstaff sidle over to a now upset-looking Scapegrace.

"Now listen 'ere, mate." He heard him say, "You listen to ol' Tipstaff and you'll get your bitch, mark my words…"

A/N: Ok, so…so that was weird. Badass Tipstaff, the king of all relationship advice…

Oh! Who's read the Maleficent Seven yet?! TALK TO ME ABOUT IT, GUYS. It was awesome!

Anyway, I hope you could see through the crapness of this and review. It would mean a lot :')