Disclaimer: I do not own Nancy Drew, the Hardy Boys, or any affiliated characters and am not making any money from the writing of this story.

A/N: I don't even care if you guys like this one. I think it's hilarious.

Some eventual spoilers for Hardy Boys Casefile #4: The Lazarus Plot. Otherwise known as the book that got me hooked on the HB Casefiles, and also taught me to fear communism.

"I'm going to kill them. Both of them." Callie Shaw seethed as she connected with voicemail for the twelfth time. "How can you be this late for your own wedding and not even be bothered to pick up the phone?"

George Fayne was standing next to her, cell phone to her ear, having equally bad luck. "Still no one picking up at their apartment." she turned to Callie. "We've already tried their apartments, Carson's hotel room, Andrea's house, Fenton and Laura's, the office... Can you think of anyone else they might have gone to?"

Callie waved a hand vaguely in the direction of the church, where a hundred and twenty guests had been waiting in their seats for almost an hour. "Everyone they know is already out there!" she said in exasperation.

"I want to go looking for them, Bess. Help me out of this dress." Nancy Drew said for the third time in forty minutes. She tried to reach around to grasp the back zipper on her ivory gown, but the ribbon laced up her back prevented her from reaching the zipper. The neckline of the dress was wide but not plunging, and she didn't dare try to shimmy out of it without unzipping it first.

"For the last time, no." Bess Marvin said, folding her arms across her rose silk-sheathed body. "You look perfect and amazing and I am not helping you out of that dress so that you can go get yourself into trouble somehow. If you're getting into trouble, your wedding dress is going with you."

"Don't say that!" George called from across the room. "She'll actually do it."

"You're right." Bess said. "No trouble. You are not leaving this room until Frank shows up to marry you." She looked over at Vanessa Bender, who had turned away from the window to speak up. "And the same goes for you, Vanessa." she said to the ash-blonde, whose wedding dress, while more lacy and elaborate than Nancy's, was just as elegant. "Only, you know, with Joe."

"But-" Vanessa protested.

"No buts." Callie said. "Bess and George are right. If we let you and Nancy go running around after them, they'll show up and we won't be able to find you!"

Laura Hardy opened the door and joined them in the brides' dressing room. "Fenton and Carson just got back from Frank's apartment. No sign of them." she said. She tried to put on a brave smile for Nancy and Vanessa. "You girls look absolutely beautiful."

"Thank you, Laura." Vanessa said softly.

"No sign?" Nancy asked quietly. "No signs of a struggle? Or of a break-in? Was the lock intact? Were their tuxes still there?"

Though there were tears in her eyes, Laura laughed. "You're just perfect for Frank, you know, honey." she said, causing Nancy to smile. "No, there were no signs of a struggle, the lock was intact, and their tuxes weren't there... I'm just... I'm getting worried. This isn't like Frank and Joe."

"I'm sure it's not as bad as you think." Bess said reassuringly. "We're jumping to conclusions that they've been hurt or kidnapped or something, but come on. Maybe one of them just got cold feet and the other is trying to talk him through it."

"Yeah. Look at it this way, Vanessa: they're just giving you a little extra time to opt out." Callie teased.

Vanessa snorted, "Thanks, Cal. Have I told you lately how great you are at being a maid of honor?"

Andrea Bender stood from the stool she was perched on and walked over to her daughter, taking her by the shoulders and rubbing up and down her arms. "Joe would never stand you up, sweetheart. He'll be here, and so will Frank."

Vanessa shook her head. "We're not worried that they're standing us up, Mom."

"But we are worried they won't be here." Nancy finished. She lifted her hand to chew nervously on her fingernail, but dropped it when Bess gave a tiny yelp.

"Nan, your manicure!"

"They're in trouble." Nancy said under her breath.

"I know." Vanessa reached for her hand and squeezed it. "I can feel it too. Something bad has happened."

Nancy squeezed back and leaned in to whisper in Vanessa's ear. "If you can distract the bridesmaids and the mothers, I'll sneak out and find out what's going on."

"But your dress-"

"No time to change." Nancy murmured. "Besides, what good are wedding dresses if we don't have grooms?"

Vanessa nodded. "You're right, Nancy. I'm sure it'll be fine." she said in a louder tone. She crossed slowly, casually, back to the window. "Hey!" she cried, pointing at a randomly passing vehicle, "Is that their car?"

The women crowded around the window and Nancy slipped through the door and into the hallway, only to collide with a broad chest. "Fenton!" she gasped.

Fenton Hardy clasped her shoulders with his hands. "Making a run for it, Nancy?" he said with a laugh. "I'm afraid you're too late. They just showed up."

Nancy nearly went limp with relief. "Are they okay? What happened to them?"

Fenton shrugged. "They looked okay to me. And I didn't have time to ask. The second they got here Gertrude practically shoved them onto the altar. Then she sent me to get you girls." He flashed her that warm smile that looked so much like Frank's. "You look lovely, by the way."

Carson Drew rounded the corner behind him. Emotion overwhelmed him as he caught sight of his daughter in her wedding dress. He had to clear his throat before he could speak. "Ready, sweetheart?"

"I was ready an hour ago." she joked, taking his arm and giving it a little squeeze.

The parents, bridesmaids, and brides assembled at the front of the church and began the procession. Fenton and Laura entered first and took their seats in the first pew. Bess, George, and Callie followed, looking radiant in their elegant rose-colored bridesmaids dresses, although the effect was somewhat spoiled by the wide-eyed looks of curiosity and exasperation they kept shooting at Frank and Joe. They took their places to Joe's left, across from their groomsmen counterparts Chet Morton, Biff Hooper, and Phil Cohen.

The wedding march began to play, and the guests rose to their feet. All eyes turned to Nancy as she entered on her father's arm, but she could see only Frank Hardy, standing on the low dais at the bottom of the aisle, his hands clasped in front of him. The way his eyes fixed intently on her made her feel hot all over. It seemed to take forever to make it to his side.

Carson shook Frank's hand before turning to his daughter, misty-eyed, to kiss her on the forehead. Nancy took a deep breath to calm herself as her father stepped away and sat in the first pew next to Frank's parents. She couldn't remember if they were supposed to hold hands this early in the ceremony, but she reached for Frank's hand anyway. "Thanks for showing up." she whispered to him.

"Thanks for waiting." He twined their fingers together and pulled her just a half-step closer to him. "I'm so, so sorry, Nan. We had a bit of a situation." he whispered back.

She frowned. "Are you okay?" That was all that mattered now; he'd tell her the whole story later.

He smiled warmly at her. "I've never been better." he murmured softly, and, even though she'd have to pretend to be furious later, she instantly forgave him for being late.

Vanessa was making her way down the aisle now, her arm looped through her mother's. When they reached the bottom, Nancy saw a similar whispered conversation go down between Vanessa and Joe.

The priest, a small, elderly man with watery eyes obscured by thick glasses, began to speak, and both couples turned to face him. "Dearly beloved," he announced, "we are gathered here today to witness the blessed unions of Frank Hardy and Nancy Drew, and Joseph Hardy and Vanessa Bender."

Anticipation shivered through Nancy. Frank must have felt it, because he squeezed her hand gently.

"Marriage is an ancient and sacred institution, creating a lifelong commitment between a man and a woman, and is not to be entered into lightly or irreverently-"

The priest was interrupted as the main door to the church flew open, slamming against the wall.

"Stop the wedding!"

Nancy spun around, startled, as two men, dressed in identical gray sweatsuits, charged down the aisle. A collective gasp sounded throughout the church. A few of the guests screamed. The Hardys' Aunt Gertrude, sitting in the front row with their parents, fainted dead away.

The priest flipped around in the book he was holding, looking confused. "I haven't got to that part..." he said feebly. He squinted at the newcomers through his thick glasses, finally realizing what had frightened the guests. The book tumbled to the floor with a thump.

As impossible as it was, the intruders were none other than Frank and Joe Hardy.

It took a full fifteen seconds for Nancy's brain to even begin processing what had just happened. Her fiance was standing right beside her, holding her hand, looking just as stunned as she was. And yet, there he was in front of her, breathing heavily, desperation evident in his eyes. She looked from one to the other, hardly knowing what to say. Obviously they couldn't both be Frank.

But which one was?

"Joe?" Vanessa said weakly. Like Nancy, her eyes flickered between the man beside her and the one who had just arrived. "What's happening?"

"Stop the wedding..." the Joe wearing the sweatsuit repeated, still panting. His eyes focused on tuxedo-wearing Joe, burning with anger. "Get away from them." he ordered. He looked from Vanessa to Nancy. "Are you girls all right?"

In unison, both grooms shifted, placing themselves between their brides and the sweatsuit-clad newcomers. "How the hell did these guys escape?" Tuxedo Joe asked his brother.

Nancy wasn't sure whether to drop Frank's hand or hold it tighter. She could see his muscles tense up under his jacket as he answered in a grim voice. "I really don't know."

Tuxedo Joe turned back to Vanessa, cupping her stunned face with one hand. "Don't worry, babe. I'll take care of this."

"I said, don't touch her!" Sweatpants Joe roared, leaping into action. He took the last few steps at a sprint and collided with his counterpart in midair, fists swinging.

That seemed to be all the signal Frank required for dropping Nancy's hand and confronting his own counterpart, lashing out with a kick to the other man's abdomen. Sweatpants Frank twisted away at the last second, retaliating with an attack of his own, which was also skillfully circumvented.

The church erupted into chaos as the guests panicked, but had no idea how to even begin to cope with the situation. Some bunched together nervously, huddled in their pews. A few ran for the doors. Anyone in the vicinity of the fighting pairs quickly cleared the way, as both Joes and both Franks continued swinging. The parents looked on in horror and confusion, Fenton and Andrea supporting the unconscious Aunt Gertrude. The groomsmen looked like they were ready to jump into the fight, but weren't sure which side they should take.

Nancy and Vanessa stood together in the center of the dais, hands clasped, watching the chaos with dismay. Vanessa looked sick to her stomach. "When I said I wanted a double wedding, this is not what I meant."