Chapter 1:Betrayal

Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I have had enough of this colony.

Shepard could barely contain her rage long enough to utter the words. Kaidan was essentially accusing her of treason. She loved him and she thought that he loved her in return. Now though, his words seethed into her mind and left a bitter taste in her mouth.

You betrayed me.

I betrayed you? How the hell did I do that? I didn't exactly have a choice in the matter now, did I? I was dead! These were the things that Shepard wanted to shout at Kaiden. But, he made his stance clear. He didn't trust Shepard, and he would never join her as long as she flew Cerberus colors.

Cerberus. The name made Shepard's stomach churn. She had seen the atrocities that they had committed; Thorian creepers, Rachni, thresher maws. These people were sick. She hated Cerberus. Kaidan's words stung because they were so close to the truth. She constantly questioned her judgment. What if Cerberus was manipulating her?

Fuck that was such a cop out. The truth was, Shepard was trying to ignore the fact that she loved Kaidan. She was IN love with Kaidan. To her, a few weeks had passed since they last spoken to one another, last held each other in a night of passion. Shepard was a soldier, she couldn't be weak, and swooning over a lost lover would definitely be a sign of weakness.

The shuttle ride back to the Normandy was excruciatingly long. Shepard wanted to be alone, mostly so she wouldn't have to maintain a straight face. In her career she had become accustomed to hiding behind the façade of Commander Shepard and there were times where the weight of that mask could be too much. Right now, with the stares of her team boring into her was one of those times. Jacob, in all honesty seemed rather oblivious to her inner turmoil. Garrus on the other hand… Well, Garrus knew everything about Shepard and she could see the worry in his ice blue eyes. She wished he would stop looking at her, but of course he didn't.

When the Shuttle finally reached the Normandy Shepard moved faster than Garrus thought was humanly possible. She wanted out of the shuttle and no one was going to stop her. He knew that her reuniting with Kaidan was, in all honesty, a disaster. Garrus wanted to help, but had no reference on where to start, so he watched the commander. He knew her tells better than anyone, and right now she was in pain. She was biting her lip and he could swear that her eyes were watering.

It suddenly dawned on Garrus that she was probably the most upset he had ever seen her. Sure, she had lost soldiers and had tough battles. She lost Ash, and was never the same afterward. But, Garrus had never seen someone blatantly walk away from Commander Shepard, let alone treat her as if she were the enemy. Well, at least not someone she had been so close to.

Garrus struggled with what to do. When Ash died, he offered her a drink and they sat in the Mako recalling all the missions they had ever been on with the Gunnery Chief. This was hardly similar. Kaidan was such an idiot. Shepard deserved better, the best in fact.

Garrus struggled for something to say as he reached out for Shepard's arm.

"Shep…" Before he could finish her name she was gone.

Shepard was in the elevator before her squad had even left the shuttle. She couldn't handle the debriefing or Garrus for that matter. His hand had just grazed her shoulder and that was the last straw. She didn't need pity. She needed a drink, a very strong drink.

The elevator opened to her quarters and she barreled in, leaving a string of armor pieces behind her. She didn't shower; it didn't seem important. Damn where the hell was her alcohol? She had a stash saved for special occasions, drinks with friends. She never intended it to be her refuge, but that's what it would be tonight. She found a half empty bottle of tequila on her desk. She questioned herself for a moment. What the hell am I doing? I am better than this. That is when she saw it.

Kaidan.

His picture was perched on her desk and had been since she had woken up. It wasn't his best picture, but it was him. At the time that's all that mattered. But in those moments after Horizon, it reminded Shepard of all that they had. Kaidan was willing to throw away all the moments they shared for the Alliance. He didn't love her enough to put her before his duty. Scratch that he didn't love her, he "loved" her. It was in the past for him. She meant little to him anymore. Fine, in some awful way, tonight would be her goodbye to Commander Kaidan Alenko.

"Here's to you asshole." The words had left Shepard's lips before she even thought them through. She raised the tequila bottle and tapped the picture with it. She didn't feel the need to bother with a shot glass.

Garrus tried to sleep but he couldn't. His thoughts would always return to Shepard. He walked from the crew quarters to the battery, forgetting to get dressed properly. It didn't really matter; he just needed the time to think. Thankfully no one was in the mess because the Cerberus crew probably wouldn't know what to do if they saw a shirtless Turian walking through the halls.

When he reached the battery Garrus was already frantic with. Shepard was usually the strong one, he never saw her crack and now she was essentially falling apart.

Garrus paced. Usually pacing helped him clear his head but right now he couldn't get past the horrified look on Shepard's face when she was talking to Alenko. He needed to do something to help her. She meant so much to him, he couldn't leave her alone. Not again.

He thought about what to say. Everything crossed his mind. Well that was bad. You deserve better. Move on soldier. None of it really sounded right.

He thought about the Normandy, before Shepard had died. They were all so close and talking seemed like a breeze. He never got tongue tied around her. So, why was he lost now? Was everything really this different?

He racked his brain trying to find moments when he consoled Shepard before, but the only thing he could think of was Ash. The same tactics probably weren't going to work here. Remembering her time with Kaidan was one of the worst ways Garrus could think of to try and get past him.

Why was this so hard?

Garrus gripped the console of the main battery until his knuckles were sore. He was making himself sick thinking that he couldn't help Shepard, again. He wasn't there to save her on the SR-1 and he wasn't there for her now.

He was a terrible friend. Shepard had convinced him to go back to C-sec after defeating Saren. She needed friends on the inside and he knew the system well. He listened because she was right, and then she died.

Garrus tried to move on but he couldn't get over her death. He spent most of his nights on the Citadel thinking about how he could have saved her if he had just been there. He blamed Joker for a long time. And finally he couldn't take it. The day after Shepard's memorial, he left. He would honor her the only way he knew how, by making the galaxy a little better.

He tried to refocus. This wasn't supposed to be about his failings as a friend, it was supposed to be about how to cheer up Shepard… Garrus still couldn't think of anything.

Shepard deserved more, so much more. More than Kaidan could ever offer her. More help from her friends. Everyone expected so much from her, but never offered her anything in return. Garrus needed to do something, anything. Thinking like this was driving him insane.

He left the battery. He didn't know what he was going to do but he was going to do something.

Shepard finished the bottle. How could she let Kaidan walk away? He was the most important thing in her life and now he was gone. She should have run after him, tried to explain everything. She should have made him understand. The thought brought a new swell of tears to her eyes. She needed more alcohol.

She stumbled her way to the closet knocking over most of what was on her desk. Success! Behind most of the clothes Cerberus had given her she found another half empty bottle of… something. It was electric blue and the label was in Asari script. She didn't care enough to look up a translation.

She unhinged the cap and tried some of the tantalizing liquid. It warmed her chest for the briefest moment, and then it was gone. She drank more and more trying to retrieve that warmth. But it just wouldn't stick. Just like Kaidan, it left. God damn it, even her drink was reminding her of Kaidan. She was better than this…

She felt the tightness in her chest building again and it frustrated her to no end. Crying was so weak and Shepard couldn't bring herself to allow such weakness. But, in her current state, she couldn't fight away the tears either.

The Asari drink didn't last very long. It had been nearly two hours since Horizon and Shepard had found absolutely no relief. In her frustration, she threw the empty bottle toward the far wall. The sound of shattered glass was the first satisfying thing to happen to her all day.

Garrus heard the glass breaking on the other side of the door and panicked. He didn't knock or even bother to announce himself. When he walked into Shepard's quarters she was sprawled out on the floor.

Garrus was shocked. He had never seen his friend in such a state of disarray. Her eyes were glossy and bloodshot. There were tear tracts running down her face and he could smell alcohol all over the room.

He walked closer to her and she yelled at him to leave. The slurring of her words was so extreme that his translator glitched. How the hell was he going to help her like this?

"Shepard," was all he could manage before she tried to hit him. She missed, rather terribly. He grasped her shoulders so she wouldn't try again and looked her straight in the eye.

"Kaidan is an ass." It wasn't the most eloquent thing he could have said but it was the truth and it was how he felt. Seeing Shepard like this made him boil with anger toward Kaidan. How could he do this to her?

Shepard was dumbfounded. Granted she had much too much alcohol and was pretty incoherent but Garrus had said just what she needed to hear. Someone thought Kaidan was in the wrong. Someone was on her side. She allowed herself to smile at him. It was brief simply because it exhausted her to be happy right now. She leaned her forehead into his chest. She hoped it would convey her appreciation

Garrus thought Shepard might have passed out against him but she was still shaking and he could hear her sobs, even if they were nearly silent.

She obviously hadn't showered after returning to the Normandy. She was still caked with sweat and blood from the brutal fight they had with the Collectors.

"Come on Shepard, we need to get you cleaned up." Shepard merely nodded in agreement her head rubbing against his chest. He helped her to her feet but there was no way she could support herself. He tried to shoulder some of her weight but the height difference made it too difficult. Finally Garrus gave up and just picked the commander up like an infant and carried her to the bathroom. She didn't protest.

This was going to be more difficult than he thought. Shepard needed a shower, to sober up and to wash away all that had gone wrong that day. There was no way she could manage that on her own and he couldn't exactly help her without it becoming extremely awkward and/or compromising. He decided that if nothing else, she could sit on the shower floor and he could use a damp cloth to clean her up.

"Okay Shepard, stay here. I'll get a rag." Why did he tell her to stay there? It wasn't like she could get up anyway. He searched her quarters for a washcloth and a towel. It took him a couple minutes but he found both.

"Found 'em. Now let me just…" His thought was lost upon seeing Shepard. She had shed most of her clothing. There were just scraps of fabric left, undergarments. Garrus didn't know what they were called exactly but it didn't really seem important.

He had seen half naked humans before while he worked for C-sec and when he was on Omega. Chora's Den and Afterlife weren't exactly known for modest attire but this was different. He was looking at Shepard. Heat rushed toward his face when he realized he was staring.

"Uh, Shepard?"

Shepard laid her head against the tile; it felt cool against her face. She was suddenly warm but it didn't comfort her. She felt suffocated by it. She was going to shower anyway right? She stripped away her uniform until she was only in a bra and underwear. She tossed her clothes toward the sink and waited for Garrus to return.

He looked confused, and tried to cover his eyes. Was he embarrassed? Shepard didn't have her wits about her to care.

"Garrus. Get over hear...It's not like I'm naked."

"Shepard, you're pretty close."

"And?"

Slowly Garrus yielded. He moved into the bathroom trying his best not to stare. Even in her current state there was something endearing about her. He didn't want to take his eyes off of her, what was wrong with him. He pushed the thought aside and went to the sink to wet the washcloth. Shepard had other ideas. She reached her hand up and hit the water on before Garrus could stop her. What was she doing? This was borderline ridiculous but Garrus abided, she was one of the most stubborn people he knew.

She needed him, he was her only friend right now and if that meant getting drenched in her shower so be it. He knelt down and began wiping off her face, being careful with her cuts and scrapes. She leaned into the pressure of his hand, its felt good. Garrus was almost certain Shepard was losing it. He was sure he was losing it. The situation was just too ridiculous.

Eventually squatting next to Shepard because painful and Garrus sat down next to her, allowing his sore legs to stretch. He began scrubbing the grime off her arms. She was remarkably like a child, unable to tend to herself. Garrus saw the pain in her face, even in her stupor, it tore at him in a way he wasn't prepared for. He needed to know just how far she'd fallen. He needed to know if she would ever be the same. He needed her to be alright.

"Shepard, are you gonna be okay?"

"I'm, not that bad am I? I mean I've had quite a few but…"

"That is not was I meant and you know it." Garrus was quick to retort, he was worried and angry at the whole damn situation, especially Kaidan.

It was like someone opened a faucet. Shepard couldn't hold back and her head fell. She cried like she had never cried before. She didn't know what to do. She had never really been in love before and this was horrible. How could she get over this?

Garrus reached over and lifted her chin with one of his talons. He looked warm, caring. She felt horrible for subjecting Garrus to her weaknesses. He was the best thing in her life right now.

"I'm sorry; I shouldn't act like this," was all she could mutter between her sobs. The room was swaying as she cried but all she could focus on was the pain she felt.

Garrus reached over to her and pulled her into an embrace. She noticed that he had no shirt on for the first time since he found her. She didn't care and she sank her head into his chest. It was warm and comfortable and yet she couldn't help but noticed how different he was; all angles and plates. She shifted her weight so that she could lean into him easily and wept in her friend arms.

She never appreciated Garrus Vakarian more than she did in that moment.

Garrus didn't know why he drew Shepard into his arms, it seemed like it would appropriate if it weren't for the lack of clothing. He couldn't help but chuckle imagining what they must look like; a half naked Turian with a half naked human in his lap, sitting on the floor of the bathroom with water spraying at them. It was utterly ridiculous. Shepard didn't seem to mind though, so he stayed there.

He promised himself that he would make her better; he would never see her broken like this again. Shepard was too important for this kind of treatment. She was special.

It was a long while later that Shepard finally stopped crying. At some point Garrus had turned off the water and wrapped her in a towel but they were still sitting on the floor. Shepard was still in his lap. He rocked her back and forth gently in an attempt to sooth her. It was something his mother did when he was young and he truly enjoyed it. Maybe it would comfort her now.

"Shepard, you need to sleep this off." She nodded in agreement.

Shepard was now able to stand on her own but walking was a different story. Garrus put his hand around her waist in lieu of carrying her. He couldn't help but notice how comfortable it was for his hand to be there, just above her hip. He skin was soft and he tried his best not to scratch her. They made their way to the bed and Shepard seemed utterly exhausted. Garrus sat down with her for a moment and she looked at him. He still could see the tears in her eyes. A rush of anger filled him before she spoke. One day, he would kill Kaidan for this.

"Thank you." The simple phrase caught him off guard. The entire time he was in her cabin he tried to figure out how to help. He thought he was failing but he helped her without realizing. She just needed someone to be there for her. She didn't need words, just a shoulder.

She pulled him into another embrace and he sat with her until she was ready to let go. He felt immense pride that his presence meant so much to Shepard. He felt needed.

After she pulled away he helped her get under the covers. As he turned to leave she called after him.

"Garrus, I… please stay."

He didn't know what to say, what was she asking exactly?

"Shepard, I don't think it's a good idea."

"Not like that… just til' I fall asleep. I can't be alone right now" She knew that it was true, she wouldn't be able to fall asleep and her thoughts would go back to just how alone she was.

Garrus could hear the desperation in Shepard's voice. She really did need someone to stay with her. After all, Shepard being alone is caused this mess in the first place. He sat next to her in bed and she laid her head in his lap. He knew she wasn't okay, but at least she was better. At least, he did something. He stroked her hair silently as she drifted off to sleep. He couldn't help but notice just how different it was from before. It was at least a foot longer and Shepard now wore it in a bun. It was the same chocolate color he had always known though, so at least something was the same. Garrus waited until Shepard was in a deep sleep before he dared move. It was close to 0200 and he knew he should go. He slipped out from under her making sure her head found the pillow and started for the door.

The mess under Shepard's desk caught his attention. He began picking up the data pads as quietly as he could. There was a picture frame he hadn't noticed before and when he turned it over, he fumed at what he saw.

Kaidan.

Garrus wanted to smash the frame to bits. He refrained but he placed it face down on Shepard's desk. If she really needed to see his face she'd turn it upright. And if she couldn't handle the sight of him, well she wouldn't have to.

Garrus left analgesics and a glass of water on the nightstand by Shepard's bed. He looked at her one last time and he didn't want to leave. She looked at peace for the first time since she's found him on Omega. He couldn't understand why he wanted to stay so badly, maybe he felt like she would revert to the way he found her. He carefully made his way to the battery. He still had a lot to think about.

A/N: revised 11/19/12