If Only You Knew

Author: Spirit-Animal-Jade (formerly potterperfect)
Pairing: Jade West/Tori Vega
Warning: Character Death
Rating: T
Status: One-shot, complete
Disclaimer: Not mine, y'all hear?

A/N: So this isn't part two of thunder (it's causing me problems) but I was visiting this random graveyard a couple of days ago and I saw a grave marked 'Elizabeth Oliver' and was like 'Holy Chiz!' and I had to write this, no Bade here though sorry.

'Love of mine, someday you will die but I'll be close behind, I'll follow you into the dark.'

The sky was crying. Or maybe it was her, she didn't know, couldn't see through the wetness covering her face and cheeks and streaming into small rivulets on her tanned skin. That's what it felt like though; the sky was crying because it too was mourning. No, breaking down. It was crying for her. Well it should be. But Andre was holding a large umbrella over her head; her hair was still bone dry, so maybe they both were. She desperately tries to hold the tears in and feels the water build up in the rim of her eyes, promising to spill over any second. She promised herself she wouldn't cry. Not here. Not today. She always was a little rocky when it came to keeping promises.

The rain continued to hammer down on the small party gathered around the little hole made in the sodden earth. All Tori could see was large black umbrellas, huddled together, the edges touching and brushing slowly to make a rolling back sea before her eyes. Flowing black waves threatening to come closer and engulf her, threatening to drag her down and hold her there, screaming, until at long, long last she gave in. She couldn't look at that thing in the grave. She couldn't.

It never rained in California but today the rain came down in torrents, icy and cold. If she stepped out from under the umbrella she would be soaked in a matter of seconds, right down to the bone. Cold, shivering, numb. Numb, oh how she longed for numbness, to get away from this scene, this feeling of desperation crawling up inside her. To be numb and not feel her world come crashing down, not realise just what this day meant. It wasn't a joke anymore, but then again it never was. All she wants is to not feel. She toys with the idea of letting the rain get to her, soak her to the skin, seep through every layer of black clothing she's wearing for a while but somewhere from the back of her mind common sense kicks in. It hasn't been used in a while. She knows the rain will only make her catch a nasty cold and besides, Andre is looking at her. His eyebrows are furrowed, meaning he's concerned. Tori makes an effort to wipe away some of the tears staining her cheeks but they're replaced almost instantly. Her supply today, seemingly, is endless.

He isn't crying. Why isn't he crying? Does he not care that his- she chokes over the title even in her own mind- wife is..is…She doesn't want to use that word. It doesn't help with the numbness. She glances past Andre, who is still looking at her with sympathy written all over his face, back to Beck who is standing stolid in the middle of the group, directly in front of the grave, eyes unmoving, staring directly ahead at a point in the distant trees. A loud rowdy car, pumping fragments of garbled pop songs races past on the nearby road. She flinches. He does not. Instead he seems to hold himself even stiller, and his face, as ever, is impassive. How can he not be crying? His wife- she can say it now, she built herself up to it- is…gone (a better word but a new wave of tears rise up with just the thought of it) and not a lone tear is slipping down his face. She wonders how he can do it- be so calm. But when she thinks about it Beck has always looked the epitome of collected: cool, handsome, hot girlfriend, great talent, his life on track for great things. So why should that change now? He was always so good at hiding his emotions to keep up his image. His old high-school locker may proclaim him 'A man with no secrets' but how many secret feelings did he keep bottled up inside? Or rather is he keeping? Inside he must be a hurricane, a whirlwind of emotions. He doesn't show it, but he is, Tori would willingly lay her life on it (she tries to ignores the irony of the saying). How anyone that truly loved her could not be is baffling. She wonders if he knew, and if he kept that under warps too. As usual her eye contact in not returned and he continues to stare straight ahead. Maybe he's just trying not to cry.

The priest is mumbling away to her left and she tries to block it out. She wants to be anywhere but here, anywhere but where's she forced to 'come to terms with her loss.' She hates that phrase. Just how does someone 'come to terms' with something that should never, ever have happened? Unexpected, out-of-the-blue. Shocking, devastating, soul-shattering, life-altering. A few more tears escape her and fall to a puddle on the floor, mixing with the rain. They're lost in the mass of water, just as Jade is lost to her. Because the priest is saying her name now and Tori has to restrain herself from screaming to block him out, keep herself from giving an audible outlet for her pain. Instead she turns her face to Andre's chest and buries it there, shaking. She feels his arm encircle her waist, vaguely, but her mind is going into meltdown. Surely, these emotions will kill her. Surely she will drown in them, suffocate under the feelings that she can't express? Because truly, she can't imagine feeling happy ever again. How can she, without her?

'Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honour and commemorate the life of Jade Oliver'

Jade West. It was always going to be Jade West. The headstone (Oh God, she can't) may say 'Jade Oliver' but in her heart it is always Jade West. She was too free spirited and wild, unique to be known as anything other than completely herself. Tori squeezes her eyes shut when she realises she described Jade in the past tense.

'When someone who is very much loved dies their death causes sorrow and grief as they are now, no longer, part of our everyday life'

The priest is mumbling on. He should be loud. He should be clear. He should be enigmatic and compelling just like Jade. This shouldn't be happening. She can't help thinking if Jade ever imagined her own funeral. It seemed like a morbid thing she would do. She'd make it gothic and awe-inspiring, celebrating her long and successful life while her friends and family talked of her great accomplishments and her excellent character. It would be full of pride. It would not be short and incoherent, while her friends cry, or rather in Beck's case-shut down. It certainly would not be now.

She was twenty-two. She was 6 months married. She had landed a potential big-break as an assistant-director on a hotly tipped new horror movie. She was going places. Was, had, did. Her heart feels like it's being shredded.

'I am the resurrection and the life saith the Lord-'

She can't listen anymore. Her mind is blocking out the priest and instead is sheltering in a dark room, picking through a box of memories. She remembers when Jade told Beck had asked her to marry him. If she thought that was painful it was nothing, nothing compared to the sensation akin to someone ripping chunks out of her heart off that she is experiencing now.

oOo

She sits on the sofa of her apartment mutely, hands clasped tightly in her lap. Jade stands a couple of feet away from her in a tight black lacy dress that slides along her curves and stretches over her breasts, fitting perfectly. Tori thinks absurdly that it is unfair for Jade to look so good when her own heart is breaking. She doesn't look up when Jade's voice breaks through the fuzz of emotions that has encircled her mind.

'Vega, look at me.'

'No.'

She can mentally see Jade rolling her eyes but keeps her gaze down. She doesn't want Jade to see any evidence of tears.

'Tori, please…'

Jade almost never says please, unless it's laced in sarcasm. It signifies the weight of the moment.

'Tori, look I'm sorry okay. I can't do that to him? I can't say no. I just can't. He loves me too much. It would break him I'm sure and he's got that important movie deal coming up and this will really put him off if I turn him down. I don't want to be the reason for the plummet of his career Tori! What was I meant to say? We've been together forever! Jesus, he proposed by buying me black roses for god's sake! You were with me when he was my boyfriend too, you know. How is fiancée any different?' Her arms fly up when she's speaking and her eyebrows are drawn together.

Suddenly Tori is angry. Jade's words have hit steel with a clang. She jumps to her feet and faces Jade, attempting to stare down the other woman.

'It just is okay! You don't think I care about Beck either? This is exactly why I reacted like that. I'm meant to be his friend and I'm helping his girlfriend cheat. But now you've gone and made it official, I'll be cheating with his wife! That's illegal in some states Jade!'

'So is our whole relationship'

Tori screws up her eyes in exasperation. 'That's not the point Jade!' It also means you choose him. You have and always will I guess. Second best, I get it Jade.' She slumps back down into the couch and hugs a pillow to her chest as if would protect her from the words Jade has slung her way.

Now Jade is angry too and her eyes are narrowed and are a mass of kohl eyeliner, smudged and sexy. 'You never seemed to mind before Vega! You were quite happy going behind Beck's back then!'

'Then I'm a better actress than I thought!' she bursts out from her position on the couch. 'Of course I minded, Jade.' She pauses, choking on the words that come next and looks up. 'You weren't mine and now you never will be.'

'What did you think- that I was going to break up with Beck and run off into the sunset with you Tori? This was never meant to be a proper relationship.' Jade's arms are crossed against her chest and she is almost snarling at Tori.

'Maybe for you. But I thought you might end up with me. I really did.' Her last words are a whisper as she slumps back down onto the couch. 'I'm sorry.'

And just like that Jade's face softens and her arms are let loose to hang by her sides again. 'Not right now, Tor. I guess…I'm sorry too.' Tori only nods. Jade takes a step closer and her swinging hands come to rest on Tori's knees where they rub circles into the denim. Jade takes a deep breath and closes her eyes like she has difficulty saying her next words, like admitting them causes her pain. 'Tori, I can't mess with Beck right now. But I need you. I can't let this go so don't make me. I can't say it'll be the same but Christ, Tori, don't leave me.'

And Jade has knelt down in front of her by now, her hands still on Tori's knees but her lips moving close to capture the brunette's. The kiss is desperate and slow and Tori screws up her eyes behind it. It reminds her that however much she wants Jade as her own, that really she'll settle for whatever she can get, because she needs her too. It was fucked up and wrong but she has to keep Jade somehow.

oOo

The memory makes her rock backwards on her feet and she feels Andre's arm round her steady her carefully and then rub her shoulders in an effort to comfort her. It helps some, but not enough. She's picturing Jade's hands on her body instead, Jade's lips on hers, Jade's voice telling her to wake up in the morning, rough but teasing, telling it's time to start a brand new day, and for god's sake, get her some coffee. But it's all fading. It's all but memories now.

Andre's whispering something to her but she can't make it out because his voice sounds like its coming from under-water- it's all muffled. She's not concentrating. He hands her the black umbrella and mutely she takes it from him, her hands shaking. She can't get a grip on the handle because her palms are sweating and it almost falls to the floor. She grips it just in time. A glance to the right shows Robbie doing the same to Cat after kissing her forehead and wiping away Cat's own tears with his thumb. They've been dating for four years. Cat is pregnant; Jade was to be the joint god-mother, along with Tori.

Jade. Her Jade. Who promised she wouldn't ever stop this thing between them.

Jade. Oh God, Jade. Not Jade, not Jade.

She's going to throw up.

Her mind is riffling back through the box of memories again, reaching for the very first one, right at the back, this one worn and dog-eared from the many times it's been drawn out and inspected, re-lived and analysed over and over again trying to figure out why Jade picked that day, that place but mostly trying to never , ever forget it.

oOo

Tori enters the black box theatre wearily. It's been a long day and she's really not in the mood for these play rehearsals. . She just wants to go home and watch re-runs of some long cancelled stupid teen drama with a pint of ice-cream in her lap until she falls asleep. But unfortunately she had two hours of play rehearsals to attend. And she seems to be the only one who's bothered to show up as the theatre is eerily empty. Fantastic. She's just sitting down to wait for a couple of minutes before leaving to call Trina for a lift when the lights in the theatre blink off and she's plunged into semi-darkness.

'Uhhh. Hello? Sikowitz, that you? Anyone?'

She feels someone encircle her left wrist with their hand and she nearly jumps out of her skin, but something inside her keeps her from struggling too hard. It's cold and smooth and slim. A girl then? So cold.

'Jade?' her voice trembles.

'Ding ding ding, we have a winner!' Jade's voice came through the darkness dripping in sarcasm.

'Was there any need for the lights to be off?'

She can sense rather than see Jade shrug. 'Added to the effect.'

'The effect of what? Hey, Jade!' Jade was now leading her by the wrist and tugging rather hard to get Tori to follow her to the corner of the room. Suddenly, Jade swung her around and backed her into a crevice of the theatre and let go, effectively creating a wall her with her body. Tori felt like a rabbit acught in the proverbial headlights of Jade's intimidating stare. She quirked an eyebrow and Tori adjusted her bag strap nervously.

'Uhhh, did you want to talk to me?'

'Surprisingly, yes.'

A moment of silence while Tori expected Jade to carry on, but she didn't and instead Tori looks at Jade's choice of oufit. Navy figure-hugging top, short black skirt, killer buckled high heel boots on her long, slim legs that seemed to go on for miles before they reached the floor.

'That. I want to talk about that. What you just did.'

Chizz! Had she been staring? It was only meant to be a quick look. She hadn't been staring had she?

'Uhhh..?'

'Vega, you checked me out.'

Tori starts to shake her head vehemently but Jade grabs her shoulders, not too gently and holds her still. Tori looks up at Jade fearfully. Jade couldn't know she liked her, that she's spent the best part of the last 5 months staring and sighing over her. She'd be stabbed to death with a blunt pair of scissors!

But oddly, Jade looks…amused? 'Look, it's okay if you like girls, Tori. What I'm talking about is…Chizz, Vega, do you… like me? Jade's eyebrows are raised expectantly and her face is now unreadable. Is she angry? Should she finally admit it and risk ridicule for the rest of her life?

'I…Uhhh. I..' She squirms in her position against the wall and glances around looking for an escape route to get herself out of this horrendous situation. This is not how she expected to express her feelings to Jade; being grilled by her wasn't in the plan at all. She doesn't find any way past Jade short of pushing her away and she knows Jade is strong enough to stop her. Chizz.

Jade sighs in exasperation and then grabs Tori's shoulders again before reeling her in and smashing her lips against the brunette's, hard and forceful and unrelenting.

Oh my god! Jade West is kissing her! She's too startled to do anything more than drop her hands to her sides in astonishment and kiss Jade back, if a little fearfully. This wasn't a joke was it?

Jade pulls back with a slight smile playing at the corner of her mouth and her pink and platinum highlights mussed. 'I'm going to take that as a yes, Vega.'

Tori is still stunned. She wonders if Jade will laugh if she tries to pinch herself.

Jade leans back down to bring her face close enough to Tori's so Tori can see the beautiful flecks of sea green in her pale blue irises. 'You okay there Vega?' This isn't fair, Jade's known all along, and now she's just teasing her. She always did know she was evil.

Tori can't help standing on her tiptoes to meet Jade lips with her own this time and she feels Jade grin into the kiss as her hands start to slip under Tori's shirt. Tori can't breathe. Jade's hands are so cold but yet she can feel Jade's heart pumping through where her chest is pressed against hers. She banishes the thought about vampires. Now isn't the time. Jade's hands are tracing patterns into her hip bones and the coolness is soothing and a direct contrast to her lips which feels as if they should be melting right off. Jade's tongue slips in and Tori fights hard to control a moan but loses the battle fairly quickly. Her arms snake around Jade's neck and Jade continues kissing her. She's pretty sure very hair in her body is stood on end at the moment. Jade pulls away again and looks down at Tori blushing in front of her.

'You scare the shit out of me Vega, you know that?'

'I do?'

'Sure. You're full of freaking happiness. You're like this ball of sunshine, and I'm the black moth attracted to the light. I'm afraid of being burnt to a crisp in your shadow. I'm afraid of feeling like this about you even when I know I shouldn't. I don't know if I can handle all the happiness you radiate. I'm not used to it. I'm scared because you could make me a better person and I'm petrified of change. I'm scared because I'm not supposed to like you, Vega.'

Her words were softly spoken but there was a hidden power behind them, like she was angry that this wasn't something she could control, and her eyes had narrowed. Jade had never laid herself out like that before, bare and honest. Who knew Jade felt like that? Who knew Jade was scared of anything?

'Change can be good too, you know.' Tori whispers reaching to lace Jade's fingers with her own.

'Let's freaking hope so Vega' and she kisses Tori so hard that her toes curl.

oOo

They're coming with the casket now, their steps are slow and deliberately careful. Beck, Andre, Robbie and Jade's brother shoulder the coffin and all their eyes are cast firmly down except Beck's. He seems to be lifting it the highest he can get, his back ram-rod straight, like pride is the only thing he has left. Tori doesn't know close to the truth that is.

The casket is black of course, who could expect anything else? Its ornate decorations of roses and intricate swirls are beautiful but Tori can't look too closely otherwise she starts to believe it really Is Jade in there, lying motionless. The mud squelches under the men's shoes as they slowly carry it towards the hole in the ground meant for it. It, not her.

Tori has the wild urge to rush up to the casket. She would stroke it, trace the wild roses with her finger-tips, press her cheek against the hard cold wood and whisper a thousand 'I love you's again and again, so many that maybe Jade would hear her, somehow.

Tears slip down her cheek.

oOo

Jade is lying on her side, tangled up in the crisp black sheets of her bed, eyes closed, breathing shallowly. Her raven hair, only a shade lighter than the pillows fans across the bed, like a dark halo and her turquoise extensions pop in the darkness. Her face is porcelain pale and her lips are as red as wine. Tori thinks that maybe Jade is Snow White bought to life. Jade's eyelashes flutter and the breath catches in Tori's throat. How anyone could look so different asleep is beyond her. Jade's face is serene and her eyebrows are for once not quirked upwards to mock her. Her lips are curved up wards in a slight smile, not a smirk, and unusually she is not on the receiving end of one of Jade's famous 'one more word and I shut you up with these scissors' glares. She looks…utterly beautiful.

Tori rolls over in the sheets, kicking her legs free to creep closer to the paler girl and sighs when Jade's breath washes over her face. Ducking her head, she plants as small open mouthed kiss or Jade's exposed creamy shoulder and then rocks backwards to look at Jade's face again. She doesn't think she can get enough. But this time Jade's ice-blue eyes are open and she's staring at Tori. As cliché as it sounds, Tori thinks that maybe she could drown in those eye that are so deep and blue and intelligent, being held under by Jade's stare and she wouldn't mind a little bit.

'Like what you see?' Jade's voice is rough with sleep but strangely seductive. Then again, anything Jade does is seductive. She only nods. Most of the time her words around Jade still get caught in her throat. They may have been doing this for months, but she still can't get rid of the disbelief that Jade is allowing any of this to happen, risking her relationship with her boyfriend to be with her. She can't believe that Jade is so beautiful and so her words never surface. Jade seems to understand though because she just smiles and inches closer so they are face to face and chest to chest.

'Morning, Vega.'

And then Jade is kissing her. Her kisses always take her by surprise, this not being an exception. Jade tastes faintly of vanilla coffee and her lips feel soft and mouldable under her own and the kiss is slow and languid. Jade is taking her time and Tori feels as if her body is floating up into the clouds from the pleasure of it all. Jade breaks away and she drifts back down.

She can feel her own face breaking out into a shy smile and Jade rolls her eyes at what must be the dopey expression on her face and then smiles too.

'I love you.'

It's the first time she's said those exact words and they come out as a whisper. She never said them before because she was afraid Jade would panic and run, that it would drive her away. But she can't keep it inside of her anymore- it was bound to tear its way out and up through her throat eventually. She loves the Jade everyone else sees, witty, driven, talented, ambitious, and beautiful: and the Jade that's more private- graceful, fun, vulnerable, insecure. She loves every part of Jade.

The other girl has frozen and Tori begins to wish she could rewind and keep it to herself, force the words back in, but then Jade smiles even bigger and reaches up to play with Tori's hair.

'I love you, Tori.'

Tori doesn't realise she's been holding her breath until she releases it in a whoosh and her face splits open in a smile. This is the closest thing to perfect she's got.

They kiss again and it becomes heated, full of passion and Jade rolls Tori onto her back pressing her down into the mattress. Tori is breathing hard and Jade is grinning down at her.

'You didn't think I was going to leave you did you, Vega?'

She's always suspected Jade could read minds. The way her gaze just penetrates right through you. Confirmed. Jade's eyes are sparkling with mirth.

'This isn't funny Jade. I love you, I didn't want you gone.'

Jade lowers herself down to kiss Tori then pulls away.

'Well I'm not. I won't leave if you don't. Promise me you won't leave me either. Do we have a deal?'

Tori leans up to catch the pale girls lips once more. 'We do.'

oOo

They've lowered it into the ground and people are gathering around to say their…goodbyes. She can't make herself move. Her feet are rooted to the floor. He heart feels as heavy as bricks in her chest, weighing her down, stopping her from shuffling forward like the others. She's not sure she wants to either. This wasn't how she was meant to say good-bye anyway. She wasn't meant to say it all.

She can hear the others speaking to her and the words seep into her brain though she furiously tries to shut them out. Beck goes first.

'Jade, I….I don't know what to say. I love you. I hope you loved me, I- I'm so sorry it had to end this way. If I could go after the bastard in the car who did this to you, I would in a heartbeat. Maybe use some scissors on him, huh?' A very weak chuckle. 'I love you, babe.'

Tears are streaming down Tori's cheeks. How could she have done that to him? How can he be so collected? How? Why oh why did this happen? Why didn't Jade stay at home that evening instead of driving to hers? He heart clenched…it was her fault. All of it. Everything. Beck's heartbreak, her own misery, and oh God, Jade. Why didn't she tell her to stay with Beck? Forgive her Jade, she didn't know, couldn't imagine what would happen, didn't realise what the impact of that stupid phone-call would be. 'Jade, I need to see you. You've been busy. I miss you.'

Stupid, needy, whining. Her fault. Her fault. Cat is speaking, she's missed Robbie's goodbye.

Sniff. 'Jade, I just want to say you were so b-b-beautiful,' Sniff. 'And I'm going to miss you so so m-m-much a-and,' Sob. 'I wish that one day I'll be as successful as you were going to be. I love you.' Cat turns away, unable to add more.

All the thoughts she'd been desperately trying to keep at bay were crashing back into her. They'd found a crack in her defences and now were rushing back like a tidal-wave of guilt and self-loathing threatening to taker her sanity and sweep it clean away. Her fault. The phone call. The driver. Her fault. She's drowning in self-hatred. Nobody knows she called Jade that night. She won't be the one to tell them. Her fault. She tries to tell herself what everybody else has been saying, a tragic accident, but she knows, she knows thatwithout her, Jade would still be alive.

Vomit rises in the back of her throat and she swallows it down thickly.

Andre is up next.

'Girl, I don't think I ever really got over my crush on you, I think it's the effect you had on everyone. It was a pleasure just to be considered one of your friends. Sing your heart up there, girl. Maybe you can be one of those funky angels in black….Goodbye.'

Andre is walking back over to her and tears are glistening in his eyes. She watches all the others take their turn, mutely.

She caused so much pain, so much heartbreak, least not in herself. Her fault.

Everyone is looking at her.

She can't do it. But she takes a step forward.

'I'm so sorry Jade.' Her words are so quiet they are carried away in the wind almost immediately but she hopes Jade hears her. She hoped Jade knows she regrets it. She hopes Jade knows she's so so sorry she broke that promise too.

And then everyone is moving away but again she can't move, just jeeps staring down at the casket in the ground, half expecting Jade to come up behind her and grab her shoulders tightly with a 'Hah, got you Vega. You always were a scaredy-cat. What'd do you think of the show then huh?' and lean over and kiss her. It seems like something Jade would do. She wants it so badly to be true, or to wake up next to Jade in bed with this just as a distant nightmare.

Her fault. She can't move.

Andre is tugging at her arm but she rips it away from him and suddenly she's angry and the tears are cascading down her jaw and into her matted hair and she's sunk to her knees, the edges of her black dress smeared with mud. Angry hot words are spilling out of her mouth and they burn her throat as she says them and they rip into her vocal chords with their thorny shape but she keeps going. The same phrase over and over again, practically.

'BRING HER BACK! Bring her back! Do you hear me? I'm sorry Jade, I'm so sorry, it was my fault. Bring her back now! I don't understand. Why are you doing this? BRING HER BACK! Please, just bring her back to me.'

She claws at the ground in front of the grave, ripping at grass and plants, the mud getting embedded in her ragged nails and she's still screaming. It's clawing up her insides and turning them into acid.. Someone's tugging at her elbow. Cat is hovering at the side. Beck, however is standing, arms crossed, looking on. He is making no effort to help her.

And she knows then that he knew. Maybe all along, maybe just recently. A double wave of guilt swamps her too until her screaming is reduced to just scratchy mumbling and she's being pulled up off the ground and led away, stumbling over the un-even ground, black heels sinking into the mud, only to be yanked out again as she falls. She's splitting in two, she can feel it. Half of her is still lying next to the grave, she's sure. If she looked back maybe she would see her, her other self, curled up and dirty next to the headstone, shaking. She's broken in two. Jade has taken the other half with her. How will she live half a person?

If heaven and hell decide that they both are satisfied; illuminate the no's on their vacancy signs. If there's no one beside you when your soul embarks, then I'll follow you into the dark.

A/N: The song quoted is 'I will follow you into the dark' by Deathcab For Cutie from their album 'Plans' Probably one of my fave songs right now. I'll let you make up your own mind about what happens to Tori in the end.
I hope you liked this. Well, as much as you can considering the, uhhh, overload of angst, and please review to tell me what you thought and if I managed to make you sad (which was my aim, yep I'm sadistic) Okay I'll shut up now.