I really hope Ste and Doug don't married

Goodbye

Chez told me all about this sham of a wedding you and lover boy had concocted, I couldn't believe what I was hearing. Douglas faking a marriage to Leanne for twenty grand, you're quite the con artist now aren't you? Weren't you satisfied with the eighty grand you had out of me? I don't understand you anymore Steven. I remember all the shit you would give me for doing bad things, you always made out you were so good, so pure, but you are not that person anymore are you?

You told me once that I wouldn't stop hiding; I remember you told me that you wouldn't go back to the shadows….not for anyone. Only you have, you've gone back there for Douglas, I never did like him and now I dislike him even more, whiny, emotional American, prick. What makes him so special Steven? I know that he doesn't excite you the way that I do. Still it isn't all about passion is it? You had my heart and you should have been careful with it, I had never given it to anyone before. But you ripped it from my chest and jumped all over it, you threw it away like it was nothing. I will never give my heart away again, not to anyone.

So your perfect Douglas isn't so perfect after all is he? He's lying to his parents, he's too ashamed to tell them he's gay, he's too ashamed of you and that's okay is it? I didn't tell my boy about us, my own son and you gave me an ultimatum, but Douglas can hide you away, keep you a secret and that's fine. You were always so straight with me; everything had to be done properly, everything had to be out in the open. Where the hell did that Steven go?

You've changed now, as I have, but I'm not sure that you have changed for the better. You always used to go on about being honest, but look at you now. What has happened to you Steven? Chez told me not to go to the wedding, to stay away and that it was invite only, but I never did as I was told, especially when it came to you. It wasn't a big do and only a chosen few had been invited, I arrived just in time to hear the vows. Chez saw me and shook her head in disgust.

I'm sure Blondie thought she was getting married for real, listening to her say her vows, she really was over the top. But then when Douglas said his he turned his attention to you and it made me feel sick, I was hearing how another man felt about you and I didn't want to, I always had hope for us…until now.

"I have never felt this way about anyone before; I am so in love with you"

Didn't he say that to Bex?

"I want to spend the rest of my life loving you and only you"

What does he want a fucking gold star for being faithful?

"You complete me"

Now that's my line Dougie boy!

But then Douglas shouted out and a bad feeling crept over me.

"I can't do this!"

And he came clean. He walked to where you were sat and took your hand…your hand that was made for mine and he asked you to marry him instead of Leanne. I couldn't shout out as I was in shock, I could hear the gasps of others, mainly Douglas's parents but I blocked it all out as the only voice I wanted to hear was yours. Then everything went silent, it was so quiet you could hear a pin drop. I waited for your answer and those thirty seconds that it took you felt like three hours.

Then you said yes and my heart stopped beating, just for a second until I remembered how to breathe. Then he was kissing you and you were kissing him and your hands were all over him, like they used to be all over me and I could cry; if I wasn't trying so hard not to, I think I would. It took all my strength not to fall apart. If I ever doubted if I had a heart or not, I know now that I do, or did, as I felt it break and it hurts, it really fucking hurts. I feel empty and numb and I know I will never be the same again. Maybe this is what's it's like to die...

You didn't know I was watching the whole thing, I wonder if you would have said yes if you did? Could you of agreed to marry him with my eyes staring in to your soul? Chez turned to look at me, she's worried that I might do something stupid but why would I? I have nothing left to fight for, it's over now. I can see by her eyes that she understands every single emotion that I feel right now.

I stand up to leave, defeated, completely devastated and a broken man. I will never know what made you turn to look at me at that exact moment, maybe it was that connection we had, that bond we always shared. You felt my presence just like the way I've always been able to feel yours. Your happiness turns to sadness as your eyes meet mine. Maybe you can feel my pain, my despair. Maybe now you might just know how much I fucking love you, how much I have always loved you. There will never be anyone else for me because you were everything that I'd ever wanted, but I lost you somehow and now you love someone else. I could never love another all the while you're in the world.

Your eyes are filled with tears; maybe it was watching my tears fall. I look at you deeply, intently and I take a good look as I know this will be the last time I will ever look at you. You know it too don't you? When did you get so clever? You don't want me to go I can tell, but you can't have us both anymore. You can't love him and keep me holding on, it's just not fair.

I smile at you ever so slightly, but it only makes you frown, you're still questioning me…even now. You are so beautiful Steven Hay and you will always be my biggest regret. I wish I could put things right, I wish I could turn back time, I wish there was another way but there's not. So I take one last look at you and mouth the only word I have left to say…

Goodbye.

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