I have no words to describe how I felt when Toby was revealed to be on the A-team. NONE. I want to believe that he is just doing it to keep Spencer safe and that he's only joined since he left in 3x08... but there has been a lot of talk of what writers have said and what other people have confirmed and if you really look back, there are hints of things and because of his past with all of the girls, his anger is justified. I feel there are certain merits to the theory but I can't accept it. I refuse to. I feel betrayed on so many levels, not just that they would taint the strength of Spoby's love and what it represents, but Toby's character too.

Toby Cavanaugh was the 'moral compass of the show'. He was the proof in a fictional realm full of devastation and lies and manipulation that you can rise above defeat and abuse and anger and do something better with it-forgive. Be a better person. Grow and give and be stronger because of it, not let it break you and change you into something you're not. There's a part of me that will never get over this. Over every book I've read, or movie and show I've seen, Toby was that one character I believed was a true and honest, genuine person. He was a beacon of light that represented so many beautiful qualities that can be found in people and in times of tragedy and chaos. And the fact that it was all a lie, that he lied more than anyone else, that he may have been using Spencer this way, crushes me. It ruins so much more than a TV couple. I, as well as so many others, seek so much more in fictional worlds than just entertainment. And if this is the lesson PLL wants to give us, well, I just don't agree with it.

Moving on, this story was just how I dealt with the news, twisting it and making it pretty unrealistic towards the end in some people's eyes I'm sure, but my Spoby heart is too fragile to believe their romance was a lie. I think Toby really does love Spencer. I can't handle the thought of Spencer's face when she finds out the truth though. I'm really excited as a fan of Keegan to see him tackle a different type of role, but my Toby/Spoby heart is aching.

My I'm-still-rooting-for-Spoby theories are interlaced in this story, since I needed a way to take in stride what has been confirmed by the officials while still having my faith in Spoby.

This story starts after the inevitable reveal of Toby as A, with Spencer and Toby talking at her house. Apologies for the obnoxious-sized A/N.

I do not own Pretty Little Liars.

Toby Cavanaugh looked over at his assumed to be ex-girlfriend. The tears were still streaming down her face and she had her arms crossed and her body angled away from him.

"Spencer…"

She almost recoiled at the sound of his voice.

"How could you?" she demanded shakily, wiping at her face impatiently, trying to appear strong but breaking apart. "How could you use me like that? You kissed me and told me you loved me and god, took my virginity, and the whole time you were torturing me and my friends behind my back. What did I do to you that was so horrible that you felt I deserved this sort of pain?"

"Spencer, I joined the A-team before I knew you. We all knew you were the smartest one out of the four girls, that you knew more about that night than anyone and that out of everyone in this stupid town you would figure out the truth of what happened that night. A had planted that bloody sweater in my room and I was already so isolated and alone thanks to the lies about Jenna's accident…"

"Lies from us." Spencer supplied dully, remembering how mistreated Toby had been. People crossed the street when they saw him coming before they even thought he was a murderer. It hadn't been fair, but the girls followed Ali and they let him get sent away. She knew it was too good to be true that Toby didn't hate them for it.

"I was told they could get me freed from the murder case if I joined and played along with getting to know you." he explained.

Spencer remembered when the case had suddenly been turned on her, when the threads of that very sweater were found in her bracelet, and she had gone to Toby as an ally. They ended up becoming friends and falling in love. Or so she thought.

"I was so surprised when you actually came to my door. Mona had predicted that you would seek me out but I couldn't believe how accurate she was. I didn't think she knew you that well. You and I started talking and you were vulnerable with me. I reminded you one day of what you had done but I could hear the true remorse in your tone when you said you weren't proud of those days. It made me remember the feelings of when Jenna was torturing me; even though I was ashamed of everything that was happening, I wasn't strong enough to put an end to it."

"Just tell me one thing, Toby… was any of it real for you?" Spencer asked, choking on her words. She didn't care to take this trip down memory lane and be reminded of how much fun he had making her miserable. It was twisted: he'd torture her and then comfort her, all the while pretending to be in the dark.

Toby looked down in shame. "I wasn't supposed to become that close to you. You were just supposed to befriend me. My plans to befriend Emily had fallen flat and we wanted another in on the four of you. Aria already had Fitz and Hanna had Sean but we knew you were eager enough to find answers that you'd be willing to give me a shot. But after we spent that night at the motel…" he looked torn for a moment, before looking back to her. "I meant what I said. I wasn't expecting that either. Not just the kiss itself but the feelings that went with it. I had unknowingly been falling for you since that first day on my porch."

Spencer wasn't going to give in that easily. "But you still tortured me anyways…" she said patronizingly.

"I did." Toby allowed. "There was a reason I ended up in the room next to 214. It was Mona however that did up the room completely. Until you guys unmasked her, there was only a couple things I had done."

Spencer remembered exactly what they were. "Well you know I know full well how good at massages you are…" she said bitterly, remembering a day when she had been extra stressed and his light shoulder massage had turned into a full blown heated make-out session in her living room. But Emily had gone to the spa to relax and A had managed to get their hands on her. Mona had been at the stables with Hanna though and that's when they knew she had to be working with someone else.

Toby nodded. "I also told you I would distract Jenna the night of the bell tower incident…"

Spencer felt her eyes widen. "You-you're the one who pushed Ian off the bell tower?"

She remembered Ian looking shocked at seeing the person in the black hoodie. You're not supposed to be here. he had said.

"He had been right; I wasn't supposed to be there. He was supposed to take care of you on his own. But I… couldn't let you die. I had grown to care for you. You called me your 'safe place to land' that day. The whole reason I got into this mess was because people feared me. You telling me I made you feel safe… it changed something in me. I wanted to truly be on your side. But I couldn't just leave the A-team. It was join or die, which you learned when Mona tried to kill you in April."

Spencer didn't know what to say. A part of her was touched that he put himself so on the line to save her life, but the reminder that he had killed someone without hesitation was harder to get past.

"I didn't want to kill Ian." he said as if reading her mind. "It was never my intention to end someone's life when I signed up for this. But it was either you or him. You were seconds away from falling to your death. It was just instinctual. I had to move quickly after that. I hated how distraught you were but I had to get rid of the body before the cops showed up."

"Why?" she asked. It was really frustrating to hear about how he manipulated her life, all the while lying about it. She had thought he was the most honest person in Rosewood. She had confided in him, trusted him so completely, not just with her secrets but with her heart.

"Mona had given me specific instructions if you managed to win the battle. She and the rest of the A-team still don't know it was me who pushed him." he admitted. "Mona wanted to shine a poor light on you guys with the rest of Rosewood. She knew you were getting closer to the truth about us and that night and wanted people to start to doubt your reliability. She also wanted to plant Ian's phone on you after texting Melissa so your relationship would be destroyed forever."

He said it so casually Spencer wanted to puke. It was not just some nonchalant thing. They were trying to legitimately ruin her life and her relationships with everyone she cared about.

"Besides that, everything was Mona's doing. I mostly just reported information. I pretended my brake lines had been cut but that was a complete lie. Mona had seen how close we were getting and how important I was to you. She wanted to take you down in the only way she knew how. You had always been head over heart before then but I was changing that for you and she took advantage."

"And what, did you break your arm for an alibi too?" Spencer lashed out, unable to believe what she was hearing. This couldn't be real.

Toby grimaced. "No, that was Mona's doing. I was actually not supposed to try to get back together with you. But when you visited me in the truck that day, I lost control and kissed you. Mona just used it to punish us both. But hopefully now you further understood why I didn't believe your lies about Wren. And as much as it hurt to leave you, Mona forced me to get out of Rosewood."

"You kidnapped Anne Sullivan!" Spencer suddenly shouted. It always had been strange to her how Toby had known where she was. He had left town looking for answers he later told her but he knew he had to start with the therapist.

"I wasn't actually the one who kidnapped her. That was Mona. She threatened Dr. Sullivan's son so she would comply. But I did know where she was residing while she hid out. I went to her and convinced her to come back. I-I knew how much you needed to be sure she was okay. I shouldn't have cared, but I did. I needed a way for you to realize my leaving had all been a lie, that I really loved you."

"But you don't really love me. You would never do this to me if you really loved me." Spencer snarled at him, jolting away from his outstretched comforting hand.

"Spencer, I meant what I said that night. Pretending not to love you was the hardest thing I had ever done. A had to believe that I was just playing you but I knew I wasn't. I had fallen in love with you ever since I beat you at Scrabble."

Despite the serious and twisted conversation, Spencer couldn't help herself from huffing. "Goofball." she said disbelievingly.

Toby tried not to smile. "After Mona was unmasked, I thought it was over. I spent that summer trying to make it up to you. I had always been reporting to Mona but I hadn't realized there was a higher power. The night Ali's grave was robbed, I found out the truth."

Spencer remembered how perfect their summer had been. How Toby had become so much more relaxed and loving. She thought it was because he was happier; he had finally moved out of his demonic household. But now she knew it was because he wasn't lying to her anymore, at least not regularly.

"It was me who took Emily to Ali's grave. A knew better than Mona that I had truly fallen in love with you. They threatened to hurt you this time and well, I know as well as you at how true those words were. As much as A was enjoying watching you four suffer, I knew they'd get bored soon and try to pick you off one by one. I couldn't take that risk. Emily, even drunk, trusted me and blindly followed along. I had snuck into your house to make a call from your cell. You don't remember this, but you had woken up."

Spencer's memory was jogged. She remembered Toby lying next to her and she had thought she was dreaming. It wouldn't be the first time he had starred in her dreams. He had smiled at her but she could detect something stirring in his eyes. She pressed a lazy kiss to his mouth before falling back into alcohol-induced sleep.

"It was Lucas who drugged Emily's flask. We were fortunate she hadn't offered to share with you guys. He was the one who took the photos at the graveyard. I was the one who placed the copies in your car."

"Have you done everything since Mona was put in Radley? Or have you had more help?" Spencer asked bitterly.

"As I said, I mostly just relay information. The A-team is bigger than even I know. I don't think you should trust anyone."

"Yeah, well, after this incident, do you really think I'll ever trust anyone again?" Spencer asked, the laugh she forced out coming off hysterically.

Toby looked down. "Spencer, if I had known how hard I would fall for you before I got into this mess, I never would've agreed to it. It was selfish of me to let it go on for as long as it did."

"Selfish of you is an understatement. Toby, you ruined me. A, as a whole, was ruining my life but I knew that one day this mess would be over and I could move on. But this? This I can't get over. I'll never be able to get over this. You have no idea how much you truly meant to me if you think that this will one day be okay. You were the first person in my life who made me feel like I really was something special. And now I know it was just so you could crush me in your spare time. I get that what me and my friends did to you was wrong, but why couldn't you just get us thrown in jail or something… this is so much worse than anything you could have done. I've come so far in accepting myself for who I really am thanks to you and now… now I feel worse about myself than I ever have." she cried, burying her tears in her knees as she wrapped her arms around her legs. "I had sex with you, Toby! I gave that up for you because I thought it meant to me what it meant to you. It's not like you're the first guy who wanted it. I'll never be able to think of it the same way. Why did you have to go and taint every perfect memory I have of us? I'd rather be dead."

Toby was obviously ashamed. "Spencer, you don't realize how much that really meant to me. I do love you and it made me realize how much I had to tell you, that it wasn't fair to do this to you any longer. Making love to you caused a shift in me. I don't care what happens now. I'll do everything in my power to protect you. You forget that was my first time with someone I love, the first time where I didn't feel shameful or forced into it. It meant the world to me, Spence, just like you do."

"Prove it. Tell me who A is." she hissed at him, glaring despite his words.

He sighed. "I can't, Spencer. There's so much you don't know."

"Doesn't that sound familiar." she said cheekily. "You stormed out of here a few weeks ago claiming I needed protection and that you would find answers yourself. But you already knew the answers, so what was that all about?"

"That wasn't a complete lie, although a lot of my frustration was fueled from you continually keeping A from me. I hated that despite all we had been through, you still wanted to keep it a secret from me."

"I think it's pretty rich of you to be bitter about me keeping something from you. I mean, you can't exactly blame me for having trust issues here." she drawled, her glare dropping several degrees to a sharp ice.

"I know, Spencer. But the whole Jason thing… lying to the cops about that put both of us at risk. It was instinctual for me to protect you, no matter what you think now, and I was blurting out a cover story before I could think of the consequences. A will hold that over both of our heads."

She rolled her eyes. "I'm sure you can weasel your way out by offering up my heart again. Or maybe you should pick another organ since that one is pretty damaged goods now." she said snarkily.

Toby sighed. "Spencer, I know it doesn't seem like it, but I do love you. I've stayed on the A team so I can look out for you. No, I didn't join with good intentions originally, but that doesn't mean I don't love you now. Most of the shit that's gone down wasn't my doing. I'd leave the A-team but they'd kill me and as much as I don't care anymore, I worry they'd go after you with me gone. I won't let them hurt you."

"Too late, Toby. Nothing they do now will ever be worse than this. I… I appreciate your honesty on this whole thing but I think you should go. And never come back." she added for good measure.

"Spencer, please. Let me make this up to you. We can form a plan to take down A-"

"Toby, I don't even want to look at you again. Yeah, maybe you were only relaying information. But this isn't Twilight; spying on me is not sexy or something. I don't want anything to do with you. You broke my heart, Toby, so I hope you're happy." she said, opening her back door and gesturing him out. "I'm sorry if you thought I'd be okay with this after your big explanation but I will never be able to look at you again without seeing that black hoodie."

Toby hung his head. He knew that was only fair. Why would she trust him now? It was all broken and shattered and there was no way to pick up the pieces and put it back together. He didn't regret his honesty; he just wished he had found the strength to leave the A-team before it had come to this.

"Spencer-"

"Toby, just please. Get out."

Toby followed her orders, feeling his heart dropping out of his body entirely. This was what he expected but it didn't suck any less.

Before he could leave out of the door, he turned to her and cupped her face, pulling her into a long kiss. She didn't fight him. "I'll love you forever, Spencer Hastings. I'll take down A myself no matter what it takes to keep you safe."

Spencer weakened at the feel of his lips on hers. Despite everything he had said, all that it meant, she still felt the same weak-in-the-knees-head-over-heels for him she had before she knew. Without thinking about it, she pulled him into another kiss, and another, and he pressed her against the wall as they began making-out passionately.

"I love you, Toby. I hate you but I can't just stop loving you." she whispered tearfully.

Toby wiped at her face as he pressed softer kisses against her mouth. "We can do this together. I need you, Spencer. You're the only one who can truly take down A. I'll do whatever it takes to help you. We don't have to give up on us yet."

Spencer nodded, closing her eyes as they kissed some more. "Things between us will never be the same." she reminded him.

He nodded. "I know. But I think we're worth fighting for."

Spencer sighed as he wrapped his arms around her in a hug, leaning her head against his shoulder. She knew all that he was saying was insane and she should hate him forever. She was mad, hurt, betrayed, confused but she couldn't bring herself to forget all of the moments they had. She couldn't trust him but she couldn't imagine him, or anyone, making up that loving look he gave her every time their eyes met.

As much as it seemed impossible, she had to believe that he truly did love her, that all they had accomplished together had been the one real constant thing that mattered. He may have known about her being tortured but like them, he didn't really have the power to stop it. A made sure of that.

But Toby had been right. She knew now he had saved her at the bell tower despite the risk it was for him. That giving Emily a massage wasn't the epitome of evil. He truly wasn't tied to anything like killing Alison or Maya. But as much as he was guilty of so many other things, she wanted to believe that they could pull through.

If nothing else, he could help her take down A, and that was something she wanted more than anything. After everything that happened, especially the most recent events of Paige nearly getting killed my crazy Nate, Caleb getting shot and of course Emily having to deal with the burden of responsibility of ending someone's life, even if it was in self-defense... she really needed this to be over already.

She suddenly thought of something. "You called Emily in the cabin, to warn her about Nate."

He nodded. "It would've been nice if she had listened to me…" he said, almost amusedly. "But Jenna had come to me and told me the truth about him. She had seen him with Maya the night she died. I didn't trust the guy even from afar but I knew I couldn't intervene. I shouldn't have made that call but he had kidnapped Paige and would no doubt hurt them both in the end."

"Jenna's on the A-team?" Spencer asked.

Toby smirked. "Does that surprise you? She sort of comes and goes, relaying information like me but in her more sinister way. She tried to get out of it before too but then there was that fire at Jason's…"

Spencer had forgotten all about that. "She told us she wasn't safe… I just assumed it was Mona."

Toby shrugged. "I think it was the real A. I've been trying to worm information out of Mona."

"You've been visiting her at Radley?" Spencer asked in surprise.

He bit his lip. "She's found a way out. She comes and goes as she pleases now."

Spencer swayed on the spot but Toby grabbed her elbows to hold her steady. It was horrific enough that Toby was on the A-team and there was some higher psycho up the long chain of members… but now the one member they had put away was free to roam too?

Toby understood her expression. "I need her. We're working together to protect you guys now."

"How do you know she really wants that?" Spencer asked.

"Her love and friendship with Hanna is the reason she started this mess. It was never about getting even with Ali, that's why she punished you guys since you were the ones who took Hanna from her. Ali already had gotten what was coming to her. But Mona wants to keep Hanna safe from A and I want to keep you safe. We're working for A but sort of have our own team…"

Spencer didn't know what to believe or even think anymore. This whole thing was so messed up.

"Toby… this whole thing is so messed up." she said bluntly, unable to think of anything else to say.

He pulled her close. "I know, Spence. I'm so sorry for everything. But we can be in this together again. That's when we're strongest."

"How can I trust you now though? How do I know you're not just feeding me to the sharks?" Spencer demanded.

"Spencer, why would I have told you all of this just to turn around and do that?"

"Because then I can feel like even more of an idiot than I did before. You all can have a big laugh over how Spencer Hastings is so fueled by her heart's desires that she can't even stay away when she finds out how betrayed she was." she said bitterly.

Toby felt a pang. She had a point. A was that twisted. "I know I have no credentials with you right now, but I mean it when I say I love you. I joined the A team because I never thought I'd find someone like you. Someone that accepted me for who I am. Even now, Spencer, you're willing to look past this shit long enough to realize that what we had was real. Don't lose that faith in us."

She nodded. As much as her trust had been shredded, she had to believe, literally had to believe, that their love was real. That it hadn't been some illusion. It was the realest thing in her life and if she was forced to believe it had all been a lie… she physically couldn't handle it.

Spencer collected herself and became business-like again. "All right. Tell me everything you know about A. Let's take this bitch down once and for all." she said fiercely.

Toby knew he didn't deserve her, especially now, but in that moment he fell even more in love with her.

Fin