Disclaimer: I do not own anything related to Once Upon A Time. Regina and Rumpelstiltskin are not mine. They are wonderfully portrayed by the amazing Lana Parilla and Robert Carlyle.

A/N: This idea was inspired by the Abridged series by DaesGatling. It's just for fun. So enjoy. And for those of you readers who haven't checked out the Abridged Series on LJ, I highly recommend it.

Bargain-Hunting

Believe it or not, once in a while the Evil Queen liked to take a break from Snow White revenge-seeking. There were times when all that planning and resentment made her head want to explode. It was just so exhausting sometimes, hating that wretched good-for-nothing girl.

During those times, she admittedly loved nothing more than a nice trip into the market and checking out the daily bargains. It was a guilty pleasure, at best. She didn't know why it even mattered. Unlike most of the common folk, she could afford even the priciest item in the market.

The Queen was in a good mood as she stepped down from her carriage and swept into the market. If she weren't so evil, she would hum. Stalls were lined up in the square and everyone cowered as they met her cold, dark eyes.

A lovely day, indeed.

She had just passed the first stall when she did a startled double-take. There, sitting in plain sight, was a pair of black leather pants. Ooh, she loved leather. The Queen couldn't resist taking a closer look. Oh, these were beautiful. And they were on sale!

She wanted them.

She'd kill for them.

Her hand reached out and grabbed ahold of the seductively smooth leather at the same moment that another hand did. What the hell was this about? Who dared trump her? Immediately her temper flared.

"What do you think you're doing, you imbecile? These leather pants belong to me," she snarled, trying to wrench them away. The hands—which she now noticed were a familiar gold-gray—held on fast.

"Funny. I don't see your name on them, Your Majesty. I believe I saw them first," the snake-like voice hissed. The Queen's eyes rose to meet a pair of conniving golden ones. Rumpelstiltskin.

Did this imp really want to play this game? Very well. Game on.

"They're mine," she growled, tugging. Everyone was staring at them as if they were conjoined twins. He tugged back.

"Only one of us is leaving here with these pants, dearie. Me!" His eyes narrowed dangerously. Her nails dug into the leather and she tried to shift around the stall to make him let go. He simply followed her steps.

"Sad," she muttered. The sun caught the golden streaks in his lanky hair as he tilted his head, as though waiting for the punch-line of a joke. Her good mood was long gone.

"What's that, dearie? Your cooking?" Her lip curled in a sneer. How dare he insult her cooking! That's it—he wasn't getting an apple pie from her this year for his birthday. Even a poisoned one. And crashing his birthday party? Forget it.

"No. The fact that you're the same size in leather pants as me. No wonder you haven't got a woman. Besides the skin problems." His mouth dropped open in disbelief.

"I'll have you know that plenty of women love my body! Where do you think all the roses come from? Jiminy Cricket?" His arm curled around one pant leg, his armpit trapping it. Was that…was that the tearing of seams she heard? No! My precious!

As her grip loosened, he pulled violently. Suddenly, she was on top of him and rolling around with him on the dirty, dusty ground.

"Maybe we can share them. Trade them off to each other in the summer," he quipped as his leg knocked her off him. She struck the ground hard, her head spinning as it collided with the ground.

"In your dreams," she retorted bitterly. Any minute she would be ready to send a fireball flying into his face. Over his shoulder, she realized people were still staring. No doubt this would be the talk of the kingdoms. "Move along, you filthy peasants! There's nothing to see here!"

"That's for sure," he mumbled, gazing pointedly at her cleavage. That was two insults! Most people suspiciously lost their heads after one. Pulling her arm back, she punched him in the nose. He cried out as his head shot back.

One of his hands grabbed at his nose, but his other hand held on to the leg of the pants for dear life. Glaring at her, he straddled her, tugging the pants up to his head. Her arms stretched almost to the aching point.

"How about a deal, dearie?"

"Cram your deals!" Her leg came up between his legs, her knee hitting the target fair and square. She expected him to yell in pain, but he only eyed her leg with mockery.

"Don't you have anything down there?" He rolled his eyes.

"Of course I do. I'm not a eunuch. My leather pants have protective padding," he explained, patting that not-so-vulnerable spot. Her stomach twisted with disgust. "You'd be surprised how often people try that."

This was getting ridiculous. She'd kill him if it came to that.

"Oh, just give up! I am the Queen, damn it!" He scowled, his imperfect teeth bared at her.

"I don't care if you're the world's last female in need of clothing! These are mine!" Her knee knocked into his side and it was her turn to straddle him. Suddenly, his eyes widened at something over her shoulder.

"Look, it's Snow White!" The Queen lurched up, regrettably releasing the pants. Her eyes scanned the crowd frantically. Snow White was here? Was she as much a brainless wench as the Queen thought?

"Where? I'll have her head above my fireplace!" The crowd laughed at something and she spun to see the stupid imp getting to his feet and dashing off with the pants. "Oh, no, you don't! Come back here!"

The Queen sprinted after him as he raised his hand to teleport. One of her heels broke as she aimed herself at his back, tackling him to the ground. The crowd had followed them and two people were betting on who would win.

"I want those pants!" She shouted it at him, her voice ringing out across the square.

"No one will ever, ever have these pants…but me!"

And then the pants ripped in half. Each one earned a leg. The crowd quieted and the two of them stared at the mess in shock. Rumpelstiltskin gave a dry laugh as he flung the pant leg down on the ground.

"So…I suppose we'll be sharing them after all." The Queen glared at him and threw the ripped half at his face. It was useless to her now. Good luck trying to wear those. He cradled the pant legs and smiled. "Thank you, Your Majesty." Stubborn imp.

With a snap of his fingers, the new leather pants were whole and displayed on his body. Grinning, he modeled them for her and she felt anger flush her face as she saw a few young women secretly checking out his backside.

"Don't you just love bargain-hunting?" Flicking his fingers at her, he strutted away, swinging his hips purposely to draw even more attention to his new attire and then some.

Did that just happen to her? Those pants had been ruined! Torn in half! And then he…and she never even thought to…Oh, this was not happening!

"You deceitful imp! Get back here with those pants! You owe me a new pair of heels! Can't we make a deal?"

The Queen was going to avenge those leather pants if it killed her. After all, she saw them first.