Title: As Time Passes
Author: Himuro Miharu
Pairing: Antonio/Lovino (Spain/Romano)
Genre: Romance
Rating: M
Warnings: Shota, small non-descriptive rape scene, cursing, OOCness, super cheesy ending
Summary:
Antonio, he's the enigma I can't seem to a child I thought he was stupid, ignorant to the ways of the world. As I got older however, I saw that wasn't the was a mask.
Notes: A fic I wrote a couple months back that I finally had the guts to post.
It's a little dark throughout most of it, and there is a small rape scene between Spain and young!Romano, I didn't want to put it, but it was neccessary for the fic to flow. I'm sorry to anyone it offends.
Disclaimer: Hidekaz Himaruya owns them~

Why?

I've asked myself this very question so many times over the course of countless centuries when the topic of Spain comes to mind.

No, not Spain. Antonio, he's the enigma I can't seem to fathom.

As a child I thought he was stupid, ignorant to the ways of the world. As I got older however, I saw that wasn't the case.

It was a mask.

All his happiness and smiles were just a façade, kept in place to hide the insanity dwelling just below the surface. Except when they were directed at me. He always told me I was his world, even though he had plenty of colonies, or henchman, as he called us. I never believed him growing up.

He kept his mask in place so we wouldn't see what he truly was; a monster, a murderer who took pleasure in carnage.

He hid it well, always smiling and laughing. Sometime though I noticed the smile didn't quite reach his eyes, or his laugh seemed hollow. As a child I didn't understand; those were the signs he was restless. He was sick of peace, of not seeing the vermillion substance he had come to associate with pleasure.

Those were always the day just before he would leave off for months.

Once I noticed the grin he wore as he departed from home, his red coat billowing behind him in the wind as he started his decent down the hill to the sea below. His lips curled in a twisted smirk just enough that I caught a glimpse of his teeth, and his eyes…even now, centuries later, I'm still frightened by the very thought. His normally happy green eyes were alight with darkness that I can now identify as blood lust, insanity shining in their emerald depths. He swung his massive battle axe with ease, laughing darkly. And for a moment, the way the blade caught the light of the rising sun, he looked like a blood stained angel anxious for battle.

I told him that once, many years later.

He simply chuckled, his eyes gaining that darkened gleam as he replied 'I'm no angel Lovi. I fell from grace before I had a chance to know it. I'm a fallen angel, one meant for war and carnage.'

I scoffed then, but perhaps he wasn't so far off.

I always waited at the window when he left, wanting to see when this beast took over my Antonio, creating this mangled vision of my beloved caretaker. Once I witnessed it.

The second he caught sight of his axe he began the transformation. The darkness crept into his shining eyes, as his voice grew steadily colder, to the point he sounded like he looked, a monster.

I witnessed his decent into madness first hand. I was there everytime he left, and I always waited for him by my window, wanting to be the last thing he saw when he left, and the first thing he saw when he returned.

That was my biggest mistake.

On occasion he would return, and I could instantly tell he wasn't mine. He was still the Monster, not my beloved Antonio. His eyes would darken at the sight of me, and that grin would overcome his face before he would run a hand gently down my cheek. Soon enough he would slap me; I took it because I wanted my Tonio back. He would strike me a couple times before the darkness was gone, and I found myself in his arms, held in a tight embrace as he apologized repeatedly.

He was my Antonio again.

I never understood why it was only me he apologized to. I had witnessed him strike others numerous times, and every time I waited with baited breath for the words I knew would follow.

They never came.

He never uttered 'lo siento mi amigo.' to anyone but myself, and even then I was 'mi tomate.'

I asked him once, why he never apologized.

He sighed and looked to the floor before answering.

'I was never sorry. I felt no remorse for striking them.'

I didn't have the courage to ask him why he apologized to me.

One night I had been waiting the entire day at my window for his return, the letter I had received during the week promised he would return that day.

Everyone but I retired for the night; I was determined to wait up for him.

When I finally caught sight of his face in the glow of the lantern I stood, adjusting my new uniform. I was finally going to see him and hear his praise of how much I had grown and how cute I looked in my new uniform. The second he opened the door a string of the usual curses flew from my lips and my head was in his chest yelling he was late. I was expecting a laugh and 'lo siento.'

I never expected to be hefted over his shoulders and carried upstairs.

He slammed me down onto the bed and quickly pinned my bod with his slightly larger one.

Looking into his wild green eyes I felt fear wrap its cold fingers around my heart, and for the first time since witnessing the Monster my Antonio became, I felt truly terrified of him.

My voice waivered when I spoke, terror lacing it.

'Wh-what are you doing A-Antonio?'

I was graced with the smirk I hated with all my being, his voice more of an animalistic growl than the warm tenor I was accustomed to.

'I want you.'

I felt my heart skip a beat from his words, and my fear increased ten-fold.

I had only over heard the maids talk of sex, so I barely understood the basics, but it was enough to be terrified of my once beloved caretaker.

Without hesitation he ripped off my brand new shirt, causing a sob to work it's way up my throat as he continued. Once I was completely nude he leaned back, eyes raking over my newly matured body appreciatively. I tried to cover myself from his eyes, but he released a low growl and pinned my arms above my head, smirking down at me.

I felt dirty.

I clenched my eyes closed and forced them to remain so as he captured my lips in a searing kiss; my first. I felt his tongue at my lips but I refused to yield to him until he bit my lip, causing a cry of pain. I knew I was bleeding , I could taste it; the terrifying thing was, I knew he tasted it too, and it drove him wild.

Eventually he stopped abusing my mouth and moved on to my neck and chest, nipping hard enough to draw blood everytime. I cried out in pain softly; I didn't want to encourage him in anyway.

I knew from the next bite he witnessed the noise, and he wanted more.

Determined not to cry out I clenched my eyes shut, trying to imagine he loved me, instead of lusted for me, but to no avail. I wanted to cry, I could feel tears pricking my eyes. When he stopped I prayed he was finished, I prayed my Antonio would pick me up and hug me, whispering 'lo siento mi tomate' in my ear like a mantra. My prayers were dispelled when I felt searing pain rip through my body; suddenly I understood what he was doing. He was raping me.

I refused to cry out, no matter how many times he bit down, no matter how much agony I was sent into with every thrust of his hips. Occassionally he would slap me across and growl for me to cry out, but mostly he stuck to biting my neck and chest. Sometimes he would plant soothing kisses to an area just before biting, those hurt the worst, both physically and mentally.

He growled 'Lovi' many times, making the name dirty, just like me.

I could feel blood between my thighs and thankfully it was acting as a lubricant, it didn't hurt quite as terribly.

My eyes were still clenched tightly when I felt him finally released inside of me. I hoped he was finished, but to my horror he only grabbed my arms, flipping me onto my knees before plunging back inside.

I couldn't hold back my shriek of pain as I collapsed, my bottom half in the air, my face in the pillow. The pain of him grabbing my hair to haul me back up onto my hands and knees forced another cry of pain from my bloody swollen lips. I tore my lips to shreds withholding my cries of pain, I just wanted the entire experience to end.

My reprieve came with his second release.

He bit down hard on my shoulder, I could feel his teeth sinking into the soft flesh. Languidly he began licking the bloody area, lazily thrusting out his orgasm before suddenly shoving me into the mattress. I felt him lean over me and began to panic, fearing he would rape me a third time. He bit my ear lobe just before speaking and I whimpered softly in pain.

'Get out of my sight.'

Quickly I moved, pain shooting through every part of my body as I redressed myself to the best of my abilities, forcing myself not to cry in his presence as I limped back to my chambers. I could still feel the blood and semen mixture trailing down my bruised legs as I flung myself into my bed.

I was covered in bites and bruises the following morning.

I avoided everyone I could, especially Femke, I didn't want to answer any questions about my limp and appearance.

Antonio avoided me for months afterwards, it only added salt to my wounds and by the end of the 5th month not only was my body still broken, but my heart and soul were as well. He still smiled with the other servants, talking pleasantly with them, no trace of what he had done visible to anyone but myself.

I prayed he would leave once more, so I could cry without fear and sleep through the night.

My wish never came true.

I no longer saw the Monster. I no longer saw my Antonio.

My Antonio was the Monster.

I slept fitfully, always terrified he would come to me some night demanding sex. My nightmare partially came true.

Nearing a year since my rape I was feigning sleep when the door opened and I heard him enter. My heart began to pound and I felt tears rapidly filling my eyes as I forced my body not to stiffen, to remain for all intensive purposes, asleep.

I bit my lip to hold back a whimper when he sat down beside me.

Reaching out a hand he ran his long fingers through my hair, I could tell he was stalling before he did what he came in to do.

When he spoke though, his voice shocked me, it was like nothing I had ever heard before. His voice was a broken piece of what it once was when he spoke. He didn't want sex this time, like me he was a fragment of his former self, of my Antonio.

'Lo siento Lovinito. I'm so sorry, I never meant for that to happen.'

He sat there silently stroking my hair for what felt like hours. I think he knew I was awake and wanted an answer.

I wasn't okay and he knew it.

Finally he stood and left me. Without hesitation I burst into tears, feeling his actions from that night all over again.

I told him it was okay over a century later, when it finally was.

I left shortly after he apologized, I returned to my brother and Italy was unified. I couldn't be near him any longer. Living with Feliciano I was slowly able to get better, it was just the two of us, and though he didn't know what had happened, he was careful, never moving too fast or being too loud. I was slowly becoming happy with my self-imposed solitude consisting of myself and my brother.

That only lasted until the first World War however.

He met that blonde German, Ludwig, and suddenly he forgot everything. He approached too quickly, touched my arms too often, and had his German over far too many times. I was beginning to fall back, my panic setting in everytime I heard the door open.

The first time I met Ludwig I was cleaning the living room, something I had taken to doing to keep my mind from straying. The door slammed open and Feliciano was laughing at something the German had said. But I didn't hear laughter, I didn't hear my brother's lilting Italian, or Ludwig's gruff German. All I heard was my own scream as I dropped the broom and rushed upstairs, locking myself in my chambers for 3 days.

Ludwig didn't come to the house very often after that.

When he did he was quiet, he was considerate, but I still found myself disliking him.

I didn't like seeing them together. It made me miss my Antonio, and I didn't want to miss him. I couldn't miss him.

Watching Feliciano and Ludwig made me long for the days of my childhood when I felt safe. Feliciano asked once why I would wake up screaming some nights.

I never told him why.

For some unknown reason I didn't want to taint Spain in his eyes. I wanted him to continue to smile when he spoke of what the Spaniard had said to him, or of the things that had occurred during his visits when we were children. I didn't want him to frown when he thought of Spain. A frown didn't suit him.

He was born to smile.

He wasn't as ignorant as I thought. He asked me what Spain was like growing up once. He knew I was lying when I said 'The same idiot as always.'

He never pushed for the truth.

I saw him at the start of World War Two. It was the first time in over a century I had allowed him to see me. He touched my shoulder once, and I nearly screamed, my fear still fresh in my mind. I saw his eyes darken and that damned smirk start to appear on his face. The Monster never left him.

It became him.

I distantly heard Feliciano call my name, to entranced by the terror slowly spreading through my limbs to register the voice. Just as suddenly as the darkness appeared, it was gone, so was his grip on my shoulder as he smiled gently.

'I just wanted to ask how you were Lovi.'

That name…how I hated it.

'Don't call me that.'

He blinked, looking honestly confused, his eyes wide.

'It's a dirty name.'

I didn't stay to see his reaction. I quickly returned to my brother's side and with some coaxing he took me home.

I saw him again on my birthday, just 5 short months later.

He said he came to speak with me. Against every instinct in my body I stepped aside and let him in, my guard never falling as I led him to the couch. I was alone with him, Feliciano and Ludwig were out training and I admit, looking at him, I was terrified. It was already 126 years since his attack on me, but seeing him again made the incident fresh in my mind, and if I was honest, I was still crushed.

We sat on the couch, an awkward silence falling over us; he seemed to suddenly be at a blank of anything to say, while I wanted to be swallowed whole by the ground below my feet.

I spoke first.

'Why the fuck are you here?'

My voice was just a shallow imitation of what it once was. Over the years it became quiet and deeper with lack of use. He seemed surprised by the timbre it held.

'I-Is there something wrong Romano? If you're sick I can come back another day. I don't want you to get even sic-'

'Enough!'

I don't think he was expecting my voice to crack like it did when I yelled.

'R-Romano?'

'Just tell me why. Why are you here Spain?'

He flinched when I called him Spain. When he looked at me he looked pained, and it was then I took notice of his eyes. They were the green from my childhood, no trace of the Monster in their emerald depths.

'I-I wanted to apologize. I know it still hurts you…Feli has mentioned you have nightmares sometimes, and you're still really jumpy.'

To prove his point he reached out to me, unconsciously I stiffened, bracing myself for a slap.

I hadn't noticed I closed my eyes, but when I opened them, he looked ready to cry. It was like the Monster was completely eradicated from his being. I couldn't see any traces of it.

'Why?'

He winced at the question and sighed, the look of impending tears still ever present.

'I wasn't thinking.'

'That's not fucking good enough Spain and you goddamn well know it.'

He took a deep breath and when he started to talk again, his voice cracked with pain.

'I…I don't know. I wasn't' thinking properly. If I had been, I never would have touched you.'

I started crying when he told me that.

'I wasn't even good enough to fuck had you been thinking right. I was never good enough, was I?'

His head snapped up and turned to me, but when I had been expecting angry green eyes of the Monster, I was faced with the green eyes of my Antonio, brimming with tears and nowhere near as bright as I remembered.

'Q-Que? Why would you say that?'

'You said it yourself! You would have never touched me if you'd been in your right mind.'

'It's not what you think Romano! It's-'

'I'm not Feliciano! You don't have to say it Spain, I've known it fo-'

'It was because I was in love with you god damn it!'

An awkward silence engulfed us.

I didn't know how to respond, and he seemed almost broken.

'W-what?'

'You heard me. I knew I was in love with you when you were still a child.'

'Then…why did you try and trade me for Feliciano?'

I waited with baited breath for the answer to the very question I desired for countless centuries to ask.

He seemed hesitant, like he wanted to answer but fear held him back. Eventually he sighed, his tongue poking out to wet his lips before clenching his hands in his lap.

'I wasn't tempted by Feliciano.'

'Tempted?'

'Si, I didn't…I didn't desire him like I desired you. Feliciano was a
cute child. You however…were not. You were an exotically beautiful child, and before I knew it, the undeniable lust I felt for you had morphed into love. Before I was even aware of my own feelings changing I had fallen so far in love with you, that you were no longer a lustful temptation. I wanted nothing more than to protect you after that. And I had no reason, nor want, to trade you.'

'Then why?! Why did you do that to me?'

I was nearly in tears now, I just wanted to know why he broke his promise and hurt me. Why it was me he chose to rape and not some maid who would have gladly lain underneath him.

He swallowed thickly, left hand coming up to wipe at his tears I hadn't realized were falling. Instinct was screaming at me to run, but I found I didn't want to. I reached out and to both our surprise, I took his hand, scooting a little closer to him.

'I…I wasn't aware how much you'd grown. I was expecting to see my beautiful little Roma. But when I laid eyes on you…you were more than beautiful. Suddenly you were older, I was faced with an older Roma, one whom had grown into his beauty and then more. You had become something I had never imagined. The…dark part of me; the part I had struggled to hid from you; took over and once more you were a temptation. I wanted to claim you, make you mine before anyone else could take you from me.'

I was taken a back at his words. I'd never been told I was wanted over Feliciano. I'd never been told I was beautiful, or someone was in love with me. I didn't know what to say, and he took my silence badly.

'L-Lo siento Romano. I never should have come here.'

He stood up to leave, releasing my hand as he went. I could see the pain in his eyes and the realization that he was as broken as I hit me like a ton of bricks.

'D-Don't go!'

My voice cracked at the volume I needed to achieve to stop him.

I wasn't used to yelling anymore.

Jumping off the couch I quickly approached him, standing awkwardly in front of his path. We both stared at the floor, not knowing what to do next before something in me snapped and I threw myself into his arms, a sobbing mess.

It wasn't long before I felt him pull me close and I realized with a start he was sobbing just as hard as I was.

I'm still not sure how long we stood there, just crying in each other's arms, but eventually I felt my tears drying up. Pulling away from his chest I tried to smile at him. He returned it with a broken one of his own, such a pathetic imitation of the gesture I fell in love with as a child.

'What about now? What am I now?'

'Now you're a type of beauty I can't even begin to describe. You're much more of a temptation now than you ever were.'

At his words I instantly became alert, watching him closely, searching for any flicker of the Monster in his eyes, accidentally jumping when his fingers gently touched my cheek. His smile fell, and I believe it was then that he truly realized just how broken I was.

I wanted to be the one to bring that smile back.

I grabbed the hand that was falling, placing it back on my face, my own hand covering it.

'It can only get better from here Antonio.'

I felt, more than visualized, the gentle smile on his face. I could feel the gentle loving gaze he was directing at me, thought I couldn't see it. Slowly, treating me like a wild kitten, he pulled me close again, one arms around my waist, the other still on my cheek.

'Romano…can we try? I'm not asking for sex, I just want to be with you.'

I didn't know how to answer.

All I could do was press my cheek against his palm and shake my head.

'Not yet Antonio. Give me time, I need to move on. The wound in my heart still hurt, my soul is still that child, the one you destroyed.'

He nodded, and I could tell he wanted to cry. Not tears of rejection, tears of despair and mortification, from the knowledge he ruined me as a child. The knowledge he broke what he swore to protect.

He began to pull away from me again.

'I'm not saying no, I'm saying yes in a couple of years. I need…I need to get myself better. I need to know I can be next to someone and not flinch with every movement. I need to know I can be kissed and not go into a panic attack. I can let it go now though, because I'm not asking myself why. I'm not wondering if you're going to do it again.'

Reaching out I placed a hand against his cheek, silently asking if he understood. He was no longer holding my waist, his hand was on mine, as mine was on his.

'I-I'm so sorry Romano. If I could, I would change it all.'

'It's impossible. You could try, but it would happen again. Maybe not that night, but who's to say it wouldn't be the next day, week, or month and be worse? It hurts, it hurts more than you know, and I'm sure you're hurting as well, but we can both move passed it. Do you believe me?'

He nodded, tears once more flowing down his face like twin waterfalls.

That day…that day we learned a lot about ourselves, and each other.

After a century I was finally able to sleep. My constant fear of the Monster coming after me slowly dissipated to the point I could leave the house without my brother. I was able to venture back out on my own.

I went to visit him in Spain a year later.

It was a slow healing process, especially due to the war raging all around us. Finally, after the war's conclusion, I was able to walk into the conference room without running out in a panic as I had the only other time I entered.

It was America who welcomed me back.

With a gentle pat to the back, and soft, earnest 'Welcome back.' accompanied by a soft smile, I knew my friend was genuinely happy I was there. He was still worried, and with Feliciano on the other side he stuck close to me the entire meeting, unconsciously keeping me from Antonio.

When the meeting was called to an end only then was I allowed to approach him, giving a shy smile only he was meant to see and understand.

With no words needed we left together, going out for a simple dinner and enjoying each other's presence.

It was the first night in 130 year I was able to lie beside him, to feel his warm breath on my neck in the dark, and not be scared.

It still took another 30 years for either of us to be ready to make love. But when we did he was sweet and gentle, telling me 'This is your first time. Before doesn't mean anything anymore, nothing to remember. This is your first time making love Lovi.'

I smiled and allowed him to hold me, soft noises escaping my lips when he gently slid into me, taking his time. Worshiping my body like it was a glass figure, something he adored and wanted to keep whole and pure.

We're together now and raising a small family of our own twins.

Sometimes I have nightmares, there are days Antonio has them as well. We're always there though. That's all it is now, nightmares. A blemish on our past we've worked passed together. He's always gentle in everything he does, and that's the source of my confusion. Where did the monster go? Why was it there to begin with?

I asked him that this evening, after centuries of silently asking myself.

He chuckled and simply responded with 'When I fell from grace I was disoriented and knew only how to fight. But then I met you, and recovered what I had lost in my fall; my humanity and compassion. I began a war against myself, never certain which side would win the final battle. It took centuries, but I won, and recovered myself, all thanks to you, mi ángel de la italiana.'

I blushed and head butted him, calling him a lying fuck. I still wasn't used to such affectionate words.

He gave a low chuckle before leaving to tuck the children into bed. Upon returning he was still smiling, and pulled me into his arms, delivering a soft kiss before turning out our light.

I was content to fall asleep in his arms.

I knew he was lying, but I didn't care.

It was a good enough answer for me.

As a child I thought he was stupid, ignorant to the ways of the world. Now as an adult I know the truth. He wanted me to think that. He hid the ways of the world. Sheltered me from corruption, desperate to keep me pure, to keep me as an angel.

I know the answer to my question of why.

Antonio is no longer an unfathomable enigma in my mind.