DAY 3

I wander around the house for a while, unsure of what to do with myself. How did everything fall apart so fast? Now, we can't even be friends. I blew my one chance, I wanted her. I wanted her so fucking badly. It took me a day to fall in love with Cat and three to lose her.

Finally night fell, and everyone was going to bed. I wandered for a little while, until a nurse scolded me for being so up so late. I find myself around eleven standing outside of a bedroom door that isn't mine. I knock quietly, not wanting to draw attention. The door opens after a few seconds and a look of surprise meets me.

"Beck?" Jade says eyes wide with surprise.

I say nothing, I just step into the room and grab her face and smash my lips against hers roughly. She responds immediately and runs her fingers through my hair, tugging on it slightly. We fall onto the bed and she finds her way on top. She takes her shirt off and practically tears mine off. I unclasp her bra, and then our bodies meet, skin to skin, and I'm lost in a wave of passion and desperation. Whenever Cat pops into my mind, I just kiss Jade harder, go in deeper.

I wake up a few hours later; Jade's sleeping body beside mine. Our bodies don't touch, she didn't try to cuddle, which surprised me since most girls always want to cuddle after sex. I slip out of bed and grab my jeans off the ground. My shirt lies near the door, and I tug it on and leave, closing the door gently behind me.

I walk back to my side of the hall with light footsteps. When I reach my door, I look sadly at Cat's door, the events that took place earlier today flashing through my mind. Pain, guilt, regret and shame fill every part of my body. I close my eyes and shake my head and open my door, closing it behind me.

DAY 4

Breakfast is awkward, and that would be putting it mildly. Tori's still not back, Cat won't look at me, and Jade keeps smirking at me. Being with Cat and Jade at the same table fills me with guilt, they're best friends. I'm in love with Cat, but I'm fucking her best friend. How fucking shitty is that?

I don't even taste my food, it's like I'm just eating it to stay alive. I don't even sneak glances at Cat, it hurts too much. I know that all I'll see is fear and pain in those big brown eyes. I can't look into her eyes and see the pain that I've caused, it'll destroy me. I wanted to save Cat, but all I did was add more scars.

"Cat stop picking at your food!" Jade yells.

Cat shakes her head, like she's in a fog and looks up at Jade with confused eyes. "What?"

"You've been picking at your food for the past two days, now shovel down those eggs, or I'll force them down your throat myself."

Cat sighs, but starts eating. I feel something hit my foot, and I realize it's Jade. I raise my eyebrow at her, and she just winks. Robbie catches her doing this, and shakes his head and looks down at his food. Cat glances at Jade and catches her looking at me, and frowns, but says nothing. She eats her food a little faster and rises from the table. She mumbles something about going back to her room and practically sprints out of the room.

"What's her problem?" Jade asks. I just shrug; I assume it has to do with me. I tried to sit somewhere else, why should Cat be forced to sit with me? But Jade made me.

Jade's foot rises to my crotch, and she presses lightly on it. Robbie rolls his eyes at Jade and jumps up from the table. He throws a look at Jade before storming out of the room. Jade's eyes follow him as he leaves, and she chews on her lip slightly. The look on her face is one I've never seen on her…regret?

"What's wrong?" I ask her.

She blinks and looks at me. "What? Oh, nothing. Robbie's just being a pansy," she says rolling her eyes. She smirks at me, and presses her foot harder on my crotch and I drop my fork. "Let's get out of here."

I look at her in surprise. "Now?"

"Look pretty boy, last night was pretty good." I can't help but grin, and she laughs. "Don't go getting cocky, so you in or not?"

I contemplate on what to do. I was really set against making this a permanent thing. Last night I wasn't in my right mind. Cat broke my heart and then I attacked her, I wanted to be distracted for a little while, to numb out all the pain and guilt I was feeling. Sex is always a good distraction. Jade gave me that last night, and while it was great, I didn't go into it with plans to make it an ongoing agreement.

"Beck, whoever she is, it doesn't matter," Jade says softly.

"What? Who?" I try to play it off.

Jade smirks. "I'm not stupid Beck, you have that look. She must be pretty amazing because you're in deep. But I'm guessing you fucked up, so just forget about her. And if you don't wanna forget, distract yourself. And trust me, I'm a great distraction." She winked when she said distraction. It mildly unhinges me that Jade is so comfortable with calling herself a distraction, but Jade's fucked up. That comment is just on a long list of her issues.

I bite my lip in frustration. I don't want to forget Cat, but after last night, I know she's done with me, and I don't blame her. I want her to be done with me. Cat shouldn't forgive someone who attacked her. I know I didn't mean to, but I still did. I don't know what's wrong with Cat, but her holding me accountable to my actions gives me hope that she can get better, even if I can't help her. I stand up, and notion with my head to the door. Jade grins and jumps out of her seat. We practically run out of the cafeteria. We're climbing the stairs, Jade ahead of me. I hear Jade run into someone, and I whip my head to see who it is.

"Watch where you're-oh Cat, sorry," Jade says.

Cat looks at Jade and then at me, her eyes dead and unrevealing. She stares at me for a few seconds before returning her gaze to Jade.

"It's okay," she says quietly. She glances at me once more before taking off down the stairs. I turn around and watch her run down the stairs. Her eyes flash though my mind, my insides squeezing inside. She knows. Cat's not stupid, and her innocence seems to be chipping away the more I'm around her.

"Beck?" Jade calls.

I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to compose myself. Let her go. I turn around and give Jade a crooked grin. "Coming."

Sex with Jade is intense, she's rough, and wants it rough. It's like she's trying to fuck something out of herself. Trying to fuck away the pain, away the demons. I don't judge her; it's what I'm doing to. Trying to pull myself away from Cat, Jade's giving me that, I owe her. Jade may moan for me to go harder, scratch my back trying to make me be rougher, but I don't. I give her what she needs, but I'm not going to lose myself in the process, I won't leave bruises on a girl's body, and personally I don't think it'll ever be rough enough for Jade. You can't fuck your problems out of you, I realize this when no matter good it feels, Cat's still in my head.

I roll of Jade and we just lay there catching our breath. She doesn't touch me after sex, which I appreciate. Having another girl caress me gently, would just make my head explode with Cat.

I glance at Jade, her eyes on the ceiling. Her eyebrows are slightly furrowed, teeth chewing on her bottom lip, eyes watery. I finally fully recognize the expression planted on her face, it's so clear now, lie the words are tattooed on her forehead: I hurt the only person I'm sure I love.

I know it's not for me so I whisper, "Jade who is it?"

She looks at me startled. I've caught her off guard and I see the pain in her eyes. She hates herself for hurting this person. She jumps up from the bed quickly, and pulls on a pair of underwear and a tank top.

"You need to leave," she whispers, refusing to look at me.

I should press it, but I don't. Jade doesn't try to pry into my pain, the one she sees so clearly, she doesn't deserve to have me try to dissect her. I dress quickly. I open the door a crack, before stopping and whispering, "I'm here Jade. Not for sex anymore, I'm here if you want to go deeper." I close the door behind me and lean against it, closing my eyes. Everything is so fucked up. I open them and I jump a little startled. Robbie stands in front of me. He glances at me, then at Jade's door, before meeting my eyes again. He smiles sadly, before walking down the hall. I hear his door close quietly.

It hits me: Robbie loves Jade, and she loves him back. It all makes sense now, the way Robbie always put up with Jade's crap. The little smiles he throws at Jade. The way she looked at him when he walked out of the cafeteria. Why he walked out of the cafeteria, because he guessed that we were fucking. The way he looked at me just now, because now it's confirmed, and it's killing him, but he loves her. Jade loves him too, but she's scared, even though she would never admit that. I close my eyes as I realize how truly fucked up everyone is. How fucked up love is. I walk down the hallway, my eyes on my feet. This feeling sucks, feeling so fucking shattered inside.

I look up and I stop, feeling my heart ricochet around in my rib cage. There's she is, the girl that I love, the only girl I've loved. The person who's changed me, made me better. She didn't even try; just her being near me did it. All these other girls from my past, the ones who loved me, who begged me to stay. The ones who let me inside them, giving me themselves, letting me get in and fuck them all up. It was bad to sleep with them and then leave, but the worst thing I ever did to some of these girls, was keep coming back. I remember one, her name was Vanna. She looked at me one day after we had just slept together, and whispered, "can't you just fuck me without fucking me up?" I never got it back then, but I do now. And I'm so fucking sorry. Seeing Jade, Tori, and especially Cat has affected me. Something or someone has hurt these girls and that's why they are the way that they are. Jade cuts, Tori starves herself, and Cat hides.

"Hi Beck," Cat whispers.

"Hi Cat," I choke out.

She doesn't say anything for a minute, and finally I just burst.

"Cat I'm so sorry, for putting my hands on you, and for hurting you even deeper than that. We were friends, and I know it was fast, but we build a connection. I don't want to lose that, and I'm sorry I tried to push you. I had no right, I can't just come into your life and expect you to let me all the way in, can we please be friends Cat? You make me want to try, and I want to get better. God, Cat…please."

She looks taken back. She doesn't say anything for a little bit, and I wait, patiently.

"Beck…can I just have some space for a little, please?" she whispers.

My first reaction is to scream, but I remember everything that I've learned since being here. Cat doesn't owe me anything and I can't just get what I want anymore, that's not right. Cat is standing up for herself, and I don't have a right to try and break down her shields. I came crashing into her life, expecting a lot from someone who's already lost so much, and that's not fair.

I nod my head and give her a slight smile before walking down the hall. I need to be what Cat needs right now, and right now she needs nothing from me. And I'll do it because I love her.

Okay…I know I haven't updated in a year, and the only reason why I came back to this story is because I saw all your reviews. Some weren't appreciated, but most made me shocked at how much some of you love and connected with this story. The fact that you guys have held on for so long, has made me want to continue. Thank you, because it was hard to come back to this story because when I started writing it, I was in love and wanting someone to break down my own walls. We both fucked things up, both expected different things of one another. But as I re-read this story, I remembered that feeling, and even though it hurt, it was the realest things I ever felt. So, for you guys and myself, I will keep writing this story. Thank you for everything.