Angst, angst, lovely angst. I'd forgotten how much I liked writing stuff like this. I've got another one to post in a bit. Anyone want a dedication?

(i)

Every night he wakes up screaming. And every night I ask him why and every night he says that he didn't have a nightmare.

And every night I say that of course you didn't and every night he ignores the sarcasm.

Sometimes when we're both still half-asleep I can pretend that he's telling the truth and that why would he have nightmares, he's happy

And then he opens his eyes.

And I can't see any life in them. Only darkness.

(ii)

Once. Just once I'd like him to wake up and know what year it is.

Just once I'd like to not have to crush him and remind him that they are dead and gone and that no Sirius this isn't a dream

Just once I'd like to not have to worry about having to find him first each morning, not because I don't think the others need to know how broken he is but because I know he'd hate them to see how weak he is.

And when I try to tell his he isn't weak -

(and he isn't. he really isn't.)

- I'm not sure who I'm talking to.

(if he's weak then what am i?)

(iii)

it'll all be ok

But I don't know which ok he means,

He might mean that we'll all come out of this alive.

or

He might mean that we'll die and be with the others again.

And though I hope for the former,

it'll all be ok

I can't help but worry that my friend is wishing for the latter.

(iiii)

Sometimes Sirius seems to vanish from the house and when I finally find him I always wish that I hadn't bothered.

Surely there are better things I could be doing than trying to convince him that I haven't given up on him.

Like trying to convince myself that I haven't.

(iiiii)

He hasn't really been sane since our schooldays. Since about fourth year, when he sent Snape to the willow.

["So young, no wonder we all thought he was a murderer."]

First it was the usual things like drinks and drugs.

Then weird questions about death.

["Do you think Avada hurts, Moony?"] ["What would be the worst way to die?"] ["What do you think deserves death?"]

I don't know if he ever tried to kill himself, though I wouldn't be surprised either way.

I am glad it didn't work though.

(iiiiii)

He avoids some rooms.

I think that he'd probably ignore the whole building if he could; but Albus got rid of the way up to the roof.

The drawing room makes him bleed. It isn't noticeable; just thin drops of blood around his wrists whenever he enters.

The study makes him shake and shudder worse than the threat of Azkaban. Morbid curiosity makes me wonder what he relives there.

His own bedroom's been locked and warded so that no one can enter. Happy memories are just nightmares now.

I saw him pocket a key when we first came here so it comes as no surprise when he tells Arthur that the cellar door has never opened.

He stays in the kitchen mostly. I can imagine his mother screaming that well-bred boys don't do house work, that it's for elves and mudbloods only.

Molly thinks he's trying to get out of cleaning.

(iiiiiii)

Remus can't bring himself to mourn for Sirius when his friend dies. He had already done so back in '81 where he had cried in private for the man Sirius had been.

You are supposed to remember someone's life at funerals but Sirius had not properly lived since Azkaban so there is nothing but guilt and pain and anger to remember.

The others think that he is in denial which is strange because he is the only one of them who does not make small mistakes.

Molly lays an extra plate whenever she visits.

Snape waits with sharp barbs that never get spoken.

Albus forgets to start the meetings on time because they are always one short.

Kingsley brings back newspaper clippings for him.

The incidents all blur together until it is impossible to distinguish between them. Remus eventually stops trying to convince them he is ok and waits for the next inevitable drama to come.

His friend had already been lost once and Remus was never entirely sure that he came back. And you can't mourn for what was never there.