Ch. 1:

He lay prone, a hand clutching desperately at his chest. A raspy wheeze, a weakened cough.

"Come… closer," he rasped. She came closer.

He seized her arm with terrifying strength, hands shaking and muscle taut and straining.

"Promise me," he coughed out with his last breath. "Promise me, you will never…" He stopped and tried again.

"Promise me you will never seriously write fanfiction with an original character who's a badass female with a ridiculously long name like Alexandria di Celestia Jessica Angelica Auditore the Fourth. And she doesn't like her name because it's girly, so she makes everyone call her Alex. And she hates girly things and is a very dark and hating person. She wears only black and paints her nails black and listens to rock and screamo. She doesn't take shit from anyone and those that annoy her get kicked by her steel-toed combat boots. She has long blonde hair that has been dyed black and has streaks of blue and green and purple going through it. She wears heavy eyeliner and has a huge chest and is so hot and a BAMF that all the guys in one fandom fall for her. Please don't let her have five familiars consisting of three dragons and two battle wolves. What the fuck are battle wolves anyway? Please don't give her four hundred god-modded powers that let her beat all the strongest people in the fandom easily. Please don't let her simultaneously like all the hot guys in the fandom and go out with all of them. That is called 'playing with men's hearts' AKA 'being a biatch'. And above all, promise me that she won't have a tragic past. Promise me…"

She held his hand solemnly. "I promise, Bob. Your last breath was very powerful."

And with that, Bob gave a shuddering laugh. "Thank you. I can now… die in peace."

"Goodbye, Bob."

Ch. 2 (Final):

She covered her gushing wound with her hand, life's liquid pouring bloody drops through her fingers and down her clothes.

"Bobette!" He wailed.

"Joe… listen closely. I don't have much time left," she whispered, breath already coming in short heaves.

"Yes, anything. What is it?"

"Swear to me that … that you will never write fanfiction where the original character is a female protagonist that is insane. Swear to me that she won't pull objects from fourth dimensions and be completely random in her thoughts. Swear… swear that she won't be ridiculously happy even in serious situations. Don't let her be so charming to the point where she can make friends with the enemy in the middle of a battle. Don't let her be the center of attention every single moment in her life. Don't give her an insanely powerful ability that she unlocks after seeing those she loves in danger, and don't have antagonist characters pursue her for it. Never… never let her have a tragic past. Swear to me."

Joe stifled a sob, sinking to his knees and bowing his head. He grasped Bobette's free hand. He pressed the white hand to his cheek, biting his lips.

"Yes. Yes, I swear."

She smiled weakly. "Then that is all I ask." A small sigh, and she was gone.

Joe screamed his grief to the heavens.

End.