Hello, everyone! I'm afraid that this is the final chapter of the You've Got Fanmail sequel. However, there does seem to be a possibility of a third installment and..why isn't Snape booing or interrupting me? *glances around* And /why/ do I hear The Grouch by Greenday?

*Marie bounds into the notes with a evil grin* Oh that's just Snape. After he recovered from his discovery of Snagrid and JoBekke (Jobelle, Jobeke, etc.) Goes to Hugworts- *She casts a sympathtic look at poor Severus*

What?

Marie: *giggles* Oh, that was a terrible fic by a fangirl. It actually made it into the Fanfiction Hall of Fame and Infamy. *Sees Melda's lost look* Oh, that's right...you've not been in there yet, have you? It's in Castle Perilous and is a very recent addition. Lucius Malfoy paid for it after he got ahold of some terrible fic about himself and Firenze the centaur. You'll get to visit it sometime soon, I believe. Ellie got you and your reviewers all free tickets to the grand opening. The grand opening will be sometime during You've Got Fanmail number three.

Back to Snape, please?

E-He's headbanging with a fangirl. Meaning that he's slamming the aforementioned fangirl's face into a table while he makes the 'rock-on' symbol with the other hand.

Isn't that a bit too violent?

Marie: *crossly* She called Gimli an ugly sidekick!

*Hisses* SHE MUST DIE! HEAD-BANG HER BRAINS OUT, SEVERUS!

Snape: Will do! *Continues smashing fangirl's face into very hard granite table.*

Anyway, this is final chapter for YGF2 and while I am sad to see it done, I have been consoled by the wise reminder of E- that there is a quote for such a time '42 is the answer to life, the universe, everything'. Now, let's get the show on the road as we remember that I own nothing besides my plot and OCs!

Marie and Ellie were grinning slyly at each other from across the room. And this was usually not a good thing, especially when one considers the madness of one teamed up with the logic of the other. Of course, our favorite gang of canon characters had not spotted the warning soon enough and this had led to professor Severus Snape, potionsmaster extraordinair, being duct-taped to the floor in order for them to force him into his S.M.E.X.Y.S.U.I.T.

What is a SMEXYSUIT? Well, it was created by the marvelous Willy Wonka whose ability to create lingerie and other eatable undergarments out of candy has finally been recognized as art (see The Hall of Fanficton Fame and Infamy for a gallery of his work). SMEXYSUIT stood for Standard Male EXtra Yummy Suit Usually an Inspiration of bad Thoughts and its purpose was to out-sexy evil.

Each character had a different SMEXYSUIT and Willy had been inclined to laugh at them until he was greviously informed that he must wear one as well. This left him bereft of snickers as well as horridly stick as fangirls apparently saw him as most appealing dressed only in candy. He was already having trouble with his chocolate hat melting into his hat, his hard-candy vest didn't allow for much movement and who knew that cherry Laffy-Taffy could chafe?

The knowledge that had helped create the SMEXYSUIT was gleaned from the collective minds of fangirls using 'The Pole Poll'. It had originally been made after the War of the Sues to extract Sues from the imaginations of fangirls from a safe distance to prevent the further spawning. However, with the convenient spelling mistake he had lifted from a fic on , Gandalf had expanded it and created a pole-shaped questionaire.

Marie, on the the other hand, was delighted with her husband's SMEXYSUIT. It consisted of chain mail that was just a little tight across the chest (which showed off his musculature in that area to her utter rapture) and a chest plate that said 'all that glitters is not gold unless it's on a Dwarf'. That last bit took her quite a long time to get over and every now and then she would send a rather suggestive look his way.

However, she could not lust after her Dwarf very long as she and Boromir were appointed as Snape's bodyguards after Frank tried to tackle him. The transvestite was currently crying on Alex's shoulder. "B-but I'm just a hot dog who wants to be with his sausage!" Frank wailed, his mascara causing a black stain on his comforter's shirt.

"I am NOT A SAUSAGE!" Shouted Snape from the ground. Marie only giggled and began to sing a song of Sue-busting, which threw him into another fit.

He told her off, to which she replied, "You only ever banned me from singing 'Padrino', Severus. How I love loopholes!" And thus Snape was subjected to torture quite ahead of schedule. The music hadn't even started, after all.

Arwen, the brave soul, was rubbing more dirt into her husband's beard while hold her hand over her mouth and nose. Apparently, blood and dirt were very appealing to fangirls and Aragorn could not be /dirty/ enough (all innuendos are copyrighted through the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).

Of course, there were a few characters who were allowed to stay as they were. Jareth and Alucard being among the few as everyone knows that leather dusters, leather gloves, riding crops and hell hounds are just dripping with sex appeal.

Ellie glanced at her watch irritably. "I sent the challange to him over an hour ago!" She huffed, but a tug on her sleeve caused her to look down. An animated character in stereo-typical Native American garb pushed a note into her face. She read it and nodded. "Thank you, Little Running Gag. Now go on back to your own canon, I'm sure DarkWing is wondering what happened to you." He held out his hand and she sighed, pulling out a couple of dollars. "I get it, here you go." He smiled and then zig-zagged into a waiting portal. "Marie!" She called to her counterpart. "Has Trent managed to kidnap our judges, yet?"

Trent emerged from a portal just at that moment with a sack thrown over his shoulder. It was wiggly, and this typically means that it was full of fangirls because they are known for being especially wiggly. "Bagged this one from Utah." He pulled out a gangly redhead. "And this one is from England." He yanked out a young teen nibbling on her nails. "There are five of 'em."

A burst of red (a very red shade of red) smoke caused everyone to jump. The Crimson Ass-uh-King stepped out from it with a grin and a boombox from hell in hand. It was literally from Hell because he'd borrowed it from Satan on his way here (along with a collection of the greatest modern pop hits as they had been created by the Evil One himself). "It's not fair!" He whinged. "You have fangirl judges! I demand unbiased canon judges!"

Ellie rubbed her temples. "Fine, fine, whatever you say!" She grinned. "We're still going to beat you."

"As if," He snorted. "bring it on!"

Trent returned minutes later with a group of odd-looking animated characters. "They're from an anime-verse." He explained.

"Where's Kyohei-nne! We're lost-nne!" Cried one of the Goth Loli Sisters, her arms wriggling around.

"It is times like these when we ask for the mercy of Hell-nne!" Said another, her arms also gone octopus-like with the magic of anime. "Goth, goth, loli, loli!" They chanted, rubbing their middle fingers against the side of their pointer finger. "Goth, goth, loli, loli!"

"Don't they realize that the Host of Hell is tied up over here?" Beezle growled irritably.

Bubba, who was supposed to be keeping an eye on them. "Nah, too dumb. Canon-fangirls."

Ellie took the boombox from The Crimson King and pressed play.

*Yeah, yeah
When I walk on by, girls be looking like damn he fly
I pimp to the beat, walking on the street in my new lafreak, yeah
This is how I roll, animal print, pants outta control,
It's Redfoo with the big afro
And like Bruce Leroy I got the glow
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... Girl look at that body
[Ah... I work out
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... Girl look at that body
Ah... I work out*

"Pelvic thrust, and pelvic thrust and pelvic thrust!" She yelled at Jareth, Rum Tum Tugger, and Jack. "Tugger, you're a curious cat, show it!"

*When I walk in the spot (yeah), this is what I see (ok)
Everybody stops and they staring at me
I got passion in my pants and I ain't afraid to show it, show it, show it, show it*

Marie undid Snapes duct-tape bonds. "Come on, Severus." She and Boromir prodded him forward. "You've got passion in your robes, let it out!"

"I refuse!" He stood rooted to the spot stubborn as an ass. But, Marie borrowed Gandalf's staff and poked him in the butt with it, thus forcing him to move up with everyone else. Poking someone in the butt with a stick is a wonderful persuasion technique (all innuendos are copyrighted through the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).

Ellie continued to encourage the others as they danced. Now, most of them couldn't dance a lick, but Gimli could really bust a move. This little factoid was tucked away by Marie for future exploitation of the naughty kind. However, the sheer sexiness was affecting the judges noticably. The fangirls' fingers were twitching and you could just see the fanfiction forming in their hormone-clouded brains. "The sexy!" Cried a Goth Loli Sister. "It's too much!"

"What if it's your fault that we lose?" Marie reasoned with Snape over the pounding music. "The addition of your sexiness might just be the turning point!"

Snape considered the good, the bad..and the sexy and finally, he started to move it. And for those who are curious, yes, Snape can wiggle with the best of them.

*Check it out
Check it out
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah [x3]
Wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle, wiggle yeah, yeah
Do the wiggle man
I do the wiggle man
Yeah*

"Wiggle harder, men!" Shouted Ellie. Her attention was grabbed by the sight of Snape working it and her jaw dropped. In spite of her disbelief, she shook it off. "WIGGLE AS IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT! WIGGLE, DAMN YOU!"

Gandalf, who was too old to wiggle properly, chuckled from the sidelines. "The Maiar in Valinor will never believe this." He said to himself.

Unfortunately, or fortunately according who you would be asking, the Crimson King lost due to a combination of poor song choice (Oops, I did it Again), poor dancing skills (seriously? The Sprinkler?), and overall lack of good sportsmanship (he tried to bribe the fangirls with allowing them to have their fave characters as love-slaves if he won and took over the fanverse).

The Hosts of Hell were escorted roughly back through the portal into Hell along with the damned boombox (it didn't bide well to keep things borrowed from the Prince of Darkness as he was inclined to re-possess them in person). The Crimson King, as predicted, fled back to his home canonverse to cry to his mommy about his latest failed attempt to take over the universes. He was given chocolate-chip cookies and milk, then sent to bed to cuddle with his Justin Beiber CD collection and his blankie (he calls it ).

Marie, Ellie, King Incarnadine, Trent, Lisa, Jereomy, Snowclaw and the other employees of the Canonverse Postal Service were assisted by the canons to return the castles and the broken canon portals to their original conditions. The army that had been sent to them in the League of Extraordinary Gentlemen's canon had been taken care of by the canon police and turned in to the Heads of Canon Security to be processed and condemned to community service.

Of course, this service was to be assistants to the admin of fanfiction sites. They were required to read every single terribly misspelled, Sue-riddled piece of work that popped up from the sick minds of hopeless fanpersons.

Ellie ordered a restraining order against Alucard, but he violated it and dragged her kicking and screaming to Vegas where they were joined in unholy matrimony by an Elvis Impersonator unwisely granted a marriage license. Ellie shoved the cake in Alucard's face and made an unsuccessful run for her life using a horse-drawn buggy, a moped, and finally a unicycle to get back home.

More or less a happy ending, right? Riiiiight. In any case,this is the end. See, it says it right down there.

THE END.

Or is it? Muhahahahaahahahah! (Evil laugh borrowed from the Hall of Fanfiction Fame and Infamy).