like a name in a fairytale

Disclaimer: So yeah I own Castle and refuse to release the Castle at a time that is sane for those living in England. Ah, actually that's not me. That's Andrew Marlowe and ABC. Hm. (Give me a promo NOW.)

I've actually really enjoyed writing this little two-parter. I'm strangely attached. I'm going to miss it. I kind of loved Amelia Castle, she was fun to write. I hope you've enjoyed it as much as I have. Also, I'm not American, so I have no idea what graduation really is like. I'm improvising here, people. (I also have to stay up till 4am to see the Castle promo.)

Atticus' birthday is three weeks after Amelia's, Daddy tells her.

Atticus wanders around the house now. Sometimes he teeters over and lands face-first on the ground, but other than that he charges on his little feet at everything. Instead of walking he chooses to run.

But Atticus likes it when Amelia just sits with him. He gets that happy look on his face and laughs her name. It's a major difference compared to the charging Atticus that bounds around the house normally. Amelia thinks that maybe Atticus is so happy because he's forgotten Mommy. After all, Atticus is only little, and Mommy has been asleep for such a long time.

"Why don't you buy Atticus as many presents as me, Daddy?" Amelia asks as she pokes her tongue out while drawing Atticus a picture for his birthday.

Daddy smiles slightly. "Atticus is little, so he doesn't want as many presents, and he won't remember this birthday. Do you remember yours, Amelia?"

Amelia pauses, mistakenly begins to chew on the crayon she was using and only realises when Daddy gives her a stern look. As she pulls the crayon from her mouth, she realises he's right. "No, Daddy. But it was special, wasn't it?"

Something she said must've been weird, because Daddy stops wrapping Atticus' presents and looks at her with a sad face. "What do you mean by special, Amelia?"

Huh. What does she mean by special? Well…

"Mommy was there. Right?"

Daddy does that same sad as Mommy- the kind where they don't want her to see that they're sad but she does anyway.

"Yeah, sweetie. She was there."

Drawing forgotten, she climbs to her feet to crawl into Daddy's lap. Daddy's arms are tight around her as she snuggles into his chest, and he spreads that feeling of warmth and safety through her body. (Amelia has learned to grow used to Daddy's hugs instead of Mommy's- she knows Daddy loves her just as much as Mommy but something about Mommy's hugs are always just so much better and she really does miss them.) Amelia doesn't speak, because she knows this hug. It's the hug where Daddy's trying to think up the words. Daddy's good with the words. She likes his words. Mommy loves his words. Mommy says she fell in love with Daddy through his words, which makes no sense, but is apparently very romantic. (Or so Alexis says.)

"You know, just because Mommy isn't here right now, you and Atticus aren't any less special, right? In fact, I'd say you two are so much more special. Because look how strong you're being, Amelia." Daddy lets go of her to cradle her face in his hands, staring straight into her eyes. "Look how strong you're being about your Mom being asleep for so long, and how much of a good big sister you're being to Atticus. I love you, Amelia. You're so special. You know that, don't you?"

And Daddy looks so scared. Like her answer is so very, very important. She doesn't see why. She's just Amelia Castle who has a sleepy Mommy, a sad Daddy, and a silly brother.

But she's special.

So Amelia reaches up to kiss Daddy's cheek, smiling. "I know, Daddy."

When Amelia wakes up on Atticus' birthday, everything is loud and lively and moving. Daddy looks terrified and happy and anxious all at the same time. But then again Daddy always looks a lot of different emotions. Grams is rushing around the house with him, grabbing his keys from the table and trying to help him with his coat. Alexis is walking up and down with Atticus, trying to soothe him as his face crumples and he cries.

"What's going on?" She asks, but it's not heard above Daddy and Grams practically talking at the speed of light, and Atticus crying, and Alexis' mumbles to Atticus.

"Daddy?"

It's not heard again, and then he's racing out the door, pulling on his shoes as he does.

Mommy is awake.

That's what Daddy says on the phone halfway through the day, while she and Grams and Alexis celebrate Atticus' birthday without either him or Mommy.

But they can't see her yet. She's awake but still sleepy.

Tomorrow, he promises her.

She doesn't believe him.

Not even when he comes home at her bedtime, holds Atticus tightly and whispers over and over again how sorry he is, and looks Amelia straight in the eyes when he promises that they're still important.

Not as important as Mommy, she thinks.

Tomorrow rolls around and Atticus is now one year and one day. Mommy missed her seventh birthday and her first day of school. Amelia has missed Mommy so much, but as Daddy grins widely at her while placing Atticus in his car seat, she realises that she hates her more. She's missed Mommy and she has always loved Mommy and she always will. But Mommy missed so much because she chose to sleep instead. Amelia hates her. She hates her.

They reach the hospital- she hates the hospital, it always smells funny and it's all too pale and white and boring- and Daddy still hasn't stopped grinning, and babbling away about how Mommy is so excited to see them. Atticus is strangely quiet, and Amelia doesn't hold Daddy's hand as he leads them to Mommy's room. He doesn't seem to notice.

Just as she had when Atticus was born, Amelia pauses in the doorway and watches. Mommy looks even more tired than she had after Atticus was born. He hair is all untidy and her skin is as pale as a ghost. But when she sees Daddy and Atticus she grins wider than Amelia's ever seen before.

Daddy places Atticus on Mommy's lap, and Mommy tries to raise her arms to hug Atticus, but they drop limply by her sides as she sighs. Mommy gives Daddy a look and he moves Atticus for her, in a way that she can wrap her arms around him without really moving at all.

"Hey, baby. Oh, you've grown so big." Mommy whispers into Atticus' hair, just loud enough for her to hear. "I'm so sorry I missed your birthday party, little man."

But Atticus just pats a hand on her neck, mumbling about 'Melly', and that's when Mommy's eyes start crying. Not the happy kind. But not the sad kind either. Maybe it's a mix of both, Amelia isn't quite sure, and it's too confusing.

"You didn't tell me that he can- That I missed him talk." Mommy says to Daddy, and she sounds angry.

Daddy looks down at his feet as he sits in the chair beside her. "He can walk too, Kate." Daddy almost whispers.

And Mommy keeps crying and whispering to Atticus, so Amelia slips from the room and down the hall.

Daddy finds her barely minutes after she's sat down on the chairs one floor down from Mommy. She'd been happily watching those around her, but Daddy seems really angry and panicked when he finds her. Instantly, he grabs her arm and begins tugging her away from the chairs and towards the elevator. She sighs, but doesn't argue. Parents always win anyway.

Once they're in the loneliness of the elevator, Daddy crouches down to her height and sternly says "Never, ever run off like that again, Amelia. You gave me and Mommy such a fright."

"Sorry, Daddy." She says, because she's supposed to, not because she means it.

The elevator dings, and he's pulling her by the hand to Mommy's room. Daddy says nothing more, and she can't tell whether he's angry or not. She doesn't like not being able to tell.

Mommy doesn't look angry when Daddy pulls her back into the room, Atticus still wrapped up in her arms. In fact, Mommy looks anything but angry. She just looks sad. And she's not even trying to hide it.

"Amelia Johanna Castle." Mommy says, and usually her full name means she's in trouble, but Mommy's still crying. Crying more than she's ever seen. "You and Atticus are the most important things in my life. And I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, Amelia."

Then everything's okay again. Because all the pieces slot into place, and she knows Mommy never meant to go away. Not really.

Mommy stays in the hospital for another couple weeks after that, but when she comes home she looks happier than Amelia's ever seen her.

There are these sessions Mommy has to go to, though. Physical therapy, it's called. Apparently Mommy has to go so she can be as strong as she used to be. She isn't as strong as she used to be because she hasn't used her muscles properly in a long, long time. Amelia understands. Daddy takes her to these sessions, and she misses them (she finds it so hard to even go to school now, afraid that Mommy won't come home again) but she knows Mommy needs to go.

Sometimes she can hear Mommy cry.

Sometimes Mommy is alone when she cries. Hidden in the bathroom attached to her and Daddy's room, where she thinks no-one can hear her.

Most of the time Mommy and Daddy are together when she cries. Amelia doesn't mean to walk in on these moments. The first time she'd just wanted to hug Mommy and found her curled into a ball in the shower, doing the saddest kind of crying she'd ever seen. Mommy hadn't seen her, so Amelia had quickly left, knowing that kind of crying is the kind that you need to do alone. And then there was another time when she needed a towel to shower, and Daddy had hidden them all in his bathroom earlier as a joke, and Mommy was crying again. The shower wasn't on. Mommy wasn't curled up in a ball. She had her face buried in one of Amelia's tops, crying slowly. Amelia had decided a shower could wait until later.

Then there were the times with Daddy. The first time she just wanted to kiss them goodnight, because Grams had been the one to tuck her in instead of them. But once she'd reached the closed door of their room, she could hear the crying again.

"I've let them down so much, Rick."

"No, Kate, Kate- Please don't cry. You didn't choose to be like that, and the bastard has been caught and has paid for it. Okay? You're not to blame-"

"And I've let you down, too. God, what I've put you through- I couldn't have done it- If- If- If it had been you."

Their conversation muffled slightly, and she couldn't hear them over the sound of Mommy crying, so Amelia pressed her ear to the door and waited.

"I missed his first birthday, Rick. My little boy. And I don't care that he won't remember. I will. And Amelia!" Mommy wailed. "I missed her birthday, too. And her first day of school. I will never get the chance to see that day. Do you know how much that it's killing me? Do you?"

Amelia chose to walk away then, because Mommy was making her cry, and she didn't know how to stop. So she went up to her room like the brave little Amelia they always told her she was and put her head under her pillow until the bad things melted into dreams.

Mommy quits her job.

She quits when she's supposed to go back. Her and Daddy argue about it a lot. Amelia tells Alexis about it on the phone. Grams rolls her eyes and tells the pair of them that they're being pathetic- That it's Mommy's choice, and she can always go back.

Amelia knows that this is important, Mommy quitting her job. That's how Mommy got hurt- on her job. But Mommy loves her job. Mommy does not love her job more than she loves Amelia, but she loves her job.

It doesn't make sense. But just like the crying, she doesn't say anything.

Mommy goes back to her job.

Amelia is nine when she goes back to her job, three months away from being ten. Mommy goes back on the day that she was hurt. (Amelia now knows that Mommy was a lot more than hurt, Natasha told her all about coma's a year ago, and now Amelia feels so much worse for hating Mommy than ever.) She keeps asking Amelia if that's okay- if she's fine with that. To be honest, she doesn't see why it matters, but she is okay with it.

Later on, Amelia asks a three-year old Atticus if he's okay with it, and he just gives her a silly grin and carries on playing with his toys.

On every birthday, Mommy cries. The happy kind of crying, with just a tinge of sadness. Amelia understands.

So she cries, too.

Atticus starts school next year. Amelia starts Middle school this year. For some reason, Mommy doesn't cry on the first day, and Amelia had honestly expected her to. She didn't want her to, but Mommy had cried so much since the day she got hurt that is was normal for her to do so at an 'emotional' time (Daddy was the one who told her it was emotional, though she doesn't see why, it's just school).

"My big baby." Mommy whispers to her as she braids her hair. Amelia can do her own hair now- she is eleven now, after all- but she lets Mommy do this for her. It seems to relax her. "When did you get so big?"

Amelia doesn't have an answer to that. She doesn't remember getting this big, either.

When she goes into school, and sits down in her new class with her new teacher but the same best friend Natasha, Amelia knows why Mommy didn't cry.

Mommy didn't cry because she was too happy over Amelia for tears- even happy tears.

It makes her feel all sorts of wonderful inside.

Amelia's eyes almost bulge out of her eye sockets when Alexis comes to visit for her twelfth birthday in October. Alexis is… huge. Like the kind of huge Mommy was before Atticus was born and was still growing in her tummy.

Mommy and Daddy seem shocked, too, and Mommy drags Alexis into Daddy's study. Daddy stares after them for a moment, but then back down at Amelia and Atticus.

Atticus, who at five has now lost both his front teeth, bravely asks (lisp and all). "Is Alexis having a baby?"

Daddy just blinks.

The next day, Mommy shakes her awake gently, and the mix of that and the sunlight peeking through her curtains and shining in her eyes raises her from her sleep. Mommy's sitting beside her hip on the bed and smiling gently.

"Happy twelfth birthday, Amelia."

Oh.

Amelia had never really appreciated it before- probably because she was so little at the time but now she's big- but she's so glad Mommy is home. She can't bear to imagine what would've happened if Mommy hadn't woke from her coma.

So she flings her arms around Mommy with startling fierceness and Mommy just catches her and lets her squeeze so tight she's sure she can't breathe.

Because Mommy is here.

And Amelia couldn't have asked for more.

That night, when Mommy and Daddy are trying to wrestle Atticus into a bath and he insists on jumping out and running around the house wet and naked and ew, Amelia plops herself down next to a pregnant Alexis and tries to figure out what question to ask first.

Alexis stays quiet, hands rubbing at her huge stomach patiently.

"Does the baby have a Dad?"

Amelia thinks of her Mommy and Daddy as such, but never says it out loud. After all, she's a big girl now, they're Mom and Dad now. Well, not really, but she'll happily pretend.

Alexis sighs.

"Yeah, Amy. Do you remember Tyler? I showed you pictures of him and he was there when we skyped once."

"Oh. Yeah, I remember." She has to admit, Amelia didn't really like him much. Not because he was rude or anything, but because he stole precious skyping Alexis time from her.

"Well, we broke up three months ago, and then I found I was pregnant. So…" Alexis smiles. "Yes, this baby does have a Daddy. But, no, we aren't together."

Amelia frowns, gnaws on one of her fingers as she mulls over this information. She can't imagine Mommy and Daddy not ever being together. It would be weird. Who would be there to stop Daddy pouring ketchup on her marshmallow pancakes?

"That's just the way it is sometimes, Amelia." Alexis tells her, as if she's reading her mind. "It's no more or no less happy than your parents being together, like my own weren't."

Oh, but- "You have Mommy." Oops. Slip of the tongue there. She hopes Alexis doesn't notice that.

Alexis smiles, and her eyes are suspiciously shiny. "Yeah, Amy. I do have Mommy."

It's another three months when the new baby arrives.

She has the same eye colour as Alexis- Daddy's eyes- and her hair is jet black, contrasting with her pale white skin Daddy claims she must've got from Alexis.

Alexis names her Katherine.

Mommy cries.

Atticus looks so proud of himself on his first day of school.

His backpack is almost larger than him, his dark brown hair is sticking up on end as usual, but his green eyes (Mommy's eyes, they both have them, and they have Daddy's dark hair) are alight with happiness. Atticus even brushes his teeth without protesting, which is new and strange, but relieving. Because the arguing every morning over it really was getting tiring. Silly Atticus.

She supposes Atticus will always be silly.

For her thirteenth birthday, she has a slumber party with all her friends at the loft, and Mommy and Daddy suspiciously spend a lot of time hiding away in the bedroom. Mind you, she's felt uneasy about them being in a bedroom alone together for a while. A few months ago, Natasha told her all about sex and what it entailed. Since then she'd never looked at her parents the same way since.

And then Atticus ruins the moment in his six year old glory, running down the stairs and throwing himself into the large bowl of popcorn the circle of girls had in the middle.

"I don't get it." Amelia moans to Mommy one day as they shop.

Mommy picks up a dress (Really? A dress that short? At her age?), holds it against herself and wrinkles her nose before placing it back on the rail. "Don't get what?" She asks absently, already continuing to browse through the rest of the clothes on the rail beside the one she'd just looked through.

"Well. You named Atticus, well, Atticus because you said he'd always be fair and always be kind. But to be honest, I just find him annoying."

Mommy just smirks. "All girls find their little brothers annoying. It's a fact."

Amelia growls in frustration. "Mom, he poured paint over my favourite dress right before I start high school. I have reasons to find him annoying. He's eight, not a baby."

But Mommy just laughs. "And you're fourteen, not a child, Amelia. So suck it up and we'll buy you a new one."

Some reason that makes her smile. Maybe it's just that she's been recognised as a mature adult, and no longer a child. (Kind of, Mommy did insult her there.) But, she guesses, more than anything, that she's just pleased Mommy will do this- shopping through an endless amount of high street stores- just to find her a new dress to love. Mommy will do anything to make her happy.

This time- when she starts high school- Mommy cries.

Which is all kinds of embarrassing as she notices people staring into her car.

But she doesn't mind, because she always remembers how close she was to losing her Mommy, and how Mommy had lost her Mom, and these moments are precious and rare.

So she lets her cry.

Amelia is fifteen and Atticus is nine and Katherine is three when Alexis (finally) gets married to a man named Kyle that she'd been in love with since she met him when she was seven months pregnant with Katherine.

Alexis' real Mommy- Meredith- is there, and Amelia realises she's never met her before. Meredith barely acknowledges her, even as Alexis introduces Atticus and herself to Meredith, and Amelia finds herself inexplicably angry for some reason. Does Meredith not realise how precious this day is? Her thirty-three year old daughter is getting married.

But Mommy seems to know how precious this day is. So does Daddy. Though Daddy has terse words with Kyle that night. He's ridiculous. Alexis and Kyle love each other, what would he need to worry for?

Well, Amelia isn't stupid. She knows people who love each other hurt each other. She knows that even her parents- who are the most in love people she's ever met- argue. But never in a million years would they do it intentionally.

(If only Daddy knew about Amelia's girlfriend Sam that she hasn't told him about yet.)

The wedding is beautiful. Alexis is beautiful. Daddy cries, and Mommy just lets tears warm her eyes, and Amelia doesn't even feel ridiculous in her bridesmaids dress. (Auntie Lanie wears it better than her, despite the ridiculous age gap, and she tries not to focus on that.)

A few nights later, while Mommy is in the bath and Atticus is snoring loudly on the other couch, Daddy wraps one arm around her shoulders and squeezes. She nestles into his side, sighing. Even though she's fifteen and she'd rather kill than tell anyone, she loves these moments. These small, seemingly infinite forever's that just consist of love and warmth and safety and need nothing in return.

"Promise me you won't grow up too soon, Amy?" He sighs, and she can see the age on his face, the wrinkles that he prefers to call laugh lines.

"Uh, about that." She starts unsteadily, and watches as his face slowly drops.

"Amy?"

Amelia bites down on her lip and tries her best 'I am your youngest daughter and you love me' face. "I- I have someone I'd like you to meet."

"Who?"

Amelia laughs, because she can't help it. Daddy looks so comically distraught. "She's very important to me, Dad."

Daddy's face stops being so distraught. Instead he arranges his expression into something neutral and calm. "She?"

"Yes, Daddy. She. As in a girl. Her name is Samantha, her friends call her Sammy, but I like to call her Sam. She's funny and beautiful and so, so important to me. And I hope you're okay with that."

For a moment, her heart stops beating. Amelia isn't ashamed. Not at all. But somehow her Dad not being okay with it fills her with dread.

And then he's laughing hard, squeezing her tightly and crying. "Is this you coming out to me?"

"Uh- I- Yes?" Amelia says, unsure as to why he's so delighted, but she's not going to complain.

Daddy pushes her away so she's at arms-length. "And you told me first? Not your Mom?"

Oh. Well, she hadn't told her Mom first because she had the feeling she already knew but mostly because she knew that Mommy would love her no matter what. (Mommy's job was important to her. Mommy loved Amelia more than her job. Mommy missed her first day of school and it killed her.) But her Dad? Well, he was no homophobe, but she was still slightly unsure about it all.

"Yeah, Dad. I told you first."

As she says it, Mommy emerges from Daddy's study wearing pajamas and rocking the wet hair look. "Told him what?" She asks as she lifts Atticus' head from the couch to sit in its place, setting it back down in her lap.

She opens her mouth to explain, but Daddy cuts right across her. "That she's a lesbian!" Daddy exclaims, and she flushes brightly.

Mommy laughs. "Of course you'd find that cool."

Daddy laughs, too. "Well, I guess I don't have to worry so much about her getting pregnant."

Amelia raises her eyebrows at him in a that is not acceptable way, and Daddy looks rather scared. In the background, she hears Mommy take a picture.

Oh, she loves her crazy, ridiculous family. So, so much.

More than any of Daddy's words could ever describe.

Daddy finds her poems in her journal one day ('Honestly, Amy, I was just tidying up and it fell and opened.') and is over the moon, babbling about how much talent she has, showing her off to Mommy and Atticus. Amelia blushes brightly, because what sixteen year old wants her parents to read her poems? But Daddy won't stop smiling and babbling, and he seems so happy, and Atticus doesn't really say a word but smiles, and Mommy is just proud of her, and she doesn't think she's ever felt like this before- As if everything in the world is right and she can just do as she pleases and be who she wants to be.

Mommy is more nervous than Daddy when they meet Sam for the first time.

Amelia answers the door nervously, but at the sight of Sam- Long, cascading waves of brown hair and glittering brown eyes- she feels it all drain from her. Sam is beautiful. And so comforting.

"Hey." She greets her, taking her hand to tug her inside. Sam seems pretty nervous, too.

"Hi, Mel." Sam replies, using the nickname for Amelia she had that nobody else has ever dared use.

"Ready?"

Sam smiles. "Ready."

(Sam and Daddy get on like a house on fire, wit firing back and forth like crazy. Mommy joins in every now and then, but seems to prefer sitting back and studying Amelia, like she's found something worth seeing.)

(Bizarrely, Atticus seems to develop a crush on Sam.)

Amelia never read the books her Daddy wrote for Mommy. They'd never really let her- Blood and death and that- and once Natasha, three months ago, informed her there were sex scenes, she was sincerely put off the idea. It was bad enough imagining her Dad writing a sex scene, let alone one between him her and Mommy.

But she reads the dedications every time.

Extraordinary, he calls her Mommy. Just like they call her and Atticus special and important.

She reads the dedications because she writes, too, and she wants to know what love looks like in writing. Oh, of course, she adores Sam- But it's not love, not quite yet.

And each dedication gets better than the last. There's even one for her. To my brave Amelia, who coped.

There's one for Atticus, too. To my kind Atticus, who loved.

But the ones for her Mommy are the best. Tangible. Love in it's best form. She remembers the words and the tone and style because she needs to learn, but she finds herself crying over how ridiculously in love her parents are.

And then there's the last one- the last Nikki Heat. Daddy chose to stop writing Nikki Heat because, he says, she had reached her eventual end of being a detective. (She thinks it's more to do with the fact Mommy was only years from choosing to resign.)

And the last one- oh, the last one. It steals her breath away. Because it's so raw and simple and perfect.

To my Mother, who believed in me.
To Alexis, who makes me proud every day.
To Katherine Junior, who keeps me young.
To Amelia, who told me first.
To Atticus, who makes me think twice.
And to Kate, who chose me.

Thank you for making my dreams real, Mrs Castle.

When graduation comes, at eighteen and wearing the ridiculous outfit she has too, Amelia realises that her life has just been one big happy blur.

Her turn comes (unlike Alexis, she wasn't a brainbox who got the speech, but she's really pleased about that. Alexis is the smart kid. Amelia's the kid that writes. And Atticus- Well, he's Atticus.) and her palms are sweating like crazy, even though Sam is two people behind her and giving her one of those outrageously gorgeous grins of hers.

She clambers onto the stage and shakes hands and does, well, whatever it is she does, it's all a big happy blur again. And then it's over, and she's climbing down the other side of the stage, and catches her Mom's glittering with tears eyes in the crowd. The love held there is so raw and real. It makes her feel special. Important. Just like both Mommy and Daddy had always told her she was. Now she's starting to believe it- even if it's just a look in Mommy's eyes, or a proud smile on Daddy's face.

After all the celebrations and the throwing of hats and the speeches, she finally gets to go celebrate with her family.

Daddy's crying. Mommy's crying. Alexis is crying. Grams is crying. Atticus looks happy. Katherine, at the young age of nine, seems confused as to why everybody's crying.

For some reason, even though she meant to go hug her parents first, (Mommy looks so proud and Daddy too, as well as both wearing the same looks of disbelief over how much time that's passed) it's Atticus she reaches for. He's thirteen and vaguely disgusted at hugging his sister usually, but he's not at this time. They just hold each other tightly, and Amelia finds herself crying. She's been so stupid. She'd always appreciated her Mommy being alive because she'd been so close to death. She'd always appreciated her Daddy being alive because he'd followed Mommy there half the time. She's always appreciated Alexis being alive because she lives so far away. But she had never stopped and realised how much she appreciated Atticus. The one who had always been there.

Atticus would always be fair and always be kind, her parents had said.

Well, here was the little boy who she'd grown up with as a little girl. Only, neither of them are that little anymore. They were both big now. No longer was she the one to sleep beside him when he missed Mommy, no longer was she the one he clung to when he tried to walk, no longer was she his first word.

But she's still his sister.

And she loves him with all her nostalgic little heart.