Title: All is Forgotten, All is Forgiven

Author: kathleenrose747

Pairing: L (Lawliet, Ryuzaki, Eraldo Coil, Denueve, Hideki Ryuga)/OC

Rating: M

Disclaimer: I have not, nor will I ever own anything relating to the idea, copyright, persons/characters and creation of Death Note. I also don't own any of the sweets mentioned in here. The only things I own are Michiko Nakashima, Melody Chance, and Piero; characters of my own creation.

Authors Note: I do use some of L's other aliases in the story. Also, L is 30 years old in this story. So yes, we can consider it AU. Please review with constructive criticism. I would also like unadulterated praise, if it is available. :)

August 26, 2013

L sat in his chair, flipping through tabs trying to find a common thread between two murders in Colombia when he got a text alert:

Therapy With Mel: Not Allowed To Call Out

He had been going to thrice weekly sessions with Melody after the Oborin incident (as they were referring to it). The sessions ranged from an hour to longer depending on what issue they decided to tackle. Mel had made sure to alternate days for Michiko and L so they did not have to see each other (at Michiko's behest).

Because Michiko's workplace now believed her dead according to the email L had sent to the Tokyo branch, she had needed to start a new life within Whammy House until they could secure her footing within another detective agency. As it stood, she was teaching meditation and anger management classes for the students. L had seen a beneficial change in his students when he saw them. Even Mello seemed to be mellowing out from the classes (he had admitted to listening in on them off and on).

L sighed as he looked at the calendar. Six months. It had been six months since Michiko had drawn her line in the sand. I only said I loved you because I believed you were going to die. Now I wish you had. It wouldn't hurt as much as seeing you here: alive because of your secretive, grand plan

Every time he thought of it, he felt his chest tighten. It wasn't as painful as the first three months, when he could barely focus on case studies without something reminding him of Michiko. But it had slowly become more manageable. Melody had gotten it through his head that it was alright for him to not move on. It was called 'recovery'. When in recovery, one could not expect the normal Kubler-Ross stages of grief to apply. One could remain in one stage indefinitely while glossing over other stages quickly. He had flown through denial and anger (in the forms of shock and anxiety respectively) and was now hung up between bargaining and depression. Until Michiko gave him a chance to talk to her and they could air out their grievances in a healthy setting, they would forever be in limbo.

For now, the physical distancing was the only compromise they could agree on until cooler heads prevailed. L was allowed out of his room Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays to teach and check in with others. Michiko had alternating days of Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays for the same activities. Sundays were 'out of town' activities. They cleared locations with Melody ahead of time where they wanted to go to for the day to get out and get some air and new views.

L sighed and turned off his computer. Melody would get on his ass if he wasn't at therapy in time. The last time he had opted out she came up with a pot of ice cold water and dumped it on him, proceeding to sit on a locked chest of the towels he could use to dry himself off until they finished their session. He didn't want to risk another bout of hypothermia for a woman's rage.

The halls were noticeably quiet when L stepped out of his room. And then he remembered that today was the first day of Mello and Lear's training 'camp' with the other residents of the House. Basically: could you survive in the Scottish Highlands with little to no supplies. L shivered as he remembered going through the same training in his youth. He had wanted to ban the archaic practice, but Mello needed an outlet for his sadistic sense of 'fun'. The rule was: as long as no one died, they could keep doing the 'campout'.

Miracles of miracles that no one was dead yet.

L was hyper aware of his footsteps echoing through the empty halls as he came closer to Melody's office. Knocking twice he pushed open the door to Melody sitting at her desk with two high back chairs in front of her. His suspicion piqued immediately, alarm bells ringing loudly in his head while he tried to keep a straight face.

'Don't let it be couples counseling. Don't let it be couples counseling.' He pleaded quietly, knowing full well where this was heading. Of course it would be when everyone else was gone. Any rage induced screaming couldn't be heard by other people and Mello couldn't listen in whenever he felt like.

He moved to sit in the chair on the left, not looking over at (what he assumed) was another occupied chair. It was ninety-nine percent probable that his calculated mentality would fall apart to Emotion's irrationality if he looked at Michiko again. He heard a shifting sound to his right, adding to his fear that she most certainly was in the room. The silence was heavy as Melody's eyes flitted from L to Michiko.

Melody cleared her throat to draw attention to her. "In the six months I have worked with you two, you have made a lot of progress. I'm quite proud of you both. But…" Here she leaned forward and gentured to the distance between L and Michiko "... there are some things you have said to me that I feel the other party needs to hear as well. The tension between you two is making a lot of people nervous. And you can't avoid each other indefinitely." When no words were forthcoming from either party, she sighed and looked down at her notes. "Michiko. Let's start with you…" Michiko let out a sound somewhere between a squeak and a moan, the sound triggering a fluttering sensation in L's chest.

'This is only happening because I haven't seen or heard from her in so long. I'm finally getting satisfaction from what my memory keeps trying to draw up every night for me. That's all this is. A psycho-chemical reaction of dopamine and serotonin.' L rationalized away. Melody glanced over at him before tracing a line on the page with her finger.

"Michiko… you said a few sessions ago that you no longer know what trust means because of your interactions with L. Could you elaborate on that further?" L was in a bind. He simultaneously did and did not want to hear what Michiko thought of his decision making and managerial skills.

Michiko sighed, every lilt of her voice punching L over and over in his chest while he kept a decent poker face on. "Honestly… I want to trust him. More than anything. But because I never got full disclosure on anything that I entered into with him, I have to triple guess myself and whether or not I feel what I'm walking into is worth any of the risks L will throw us into." Michiko shifted and rubbed her arms. "He is a man that sees ten to twenty steps ahead while leaving me five steps back. Just when I think I'm on his level, I trip and lose my understanding again. And this last mission…" Michiko grew silent, L's past inactions speaking louder than her words.

"What about the last mission, Michiko?" Melody prompted gently.

"I just… I want to know what he didn't account for. I want to know if there were any slip ups. Or did he know that everything that happened to me was possible in the scenarios that he played out in his head?"

L had to be very careful how he worded the truth. He could not put any damning twist to his speech that could imply Michiko knew full well what she was getting into with him. That she should accept part of the blame for going forward so blindly. For trusting him.

"Honestly… every scenario is a possibility. It just varies with how likely it would have occured, given the situation at hand." L sat forward resting his hands on his knees. "Were the things that happened to you in the realm of statistical probability? Yes. Does that mean I wanted any of those things to happen? No." He scratched his wrist, taking in the silence before answering the one unasked question: "As to why I didn't get us out sooner, I couldn't begin to analyze if you were in the same compound. We had gotten split into two different cars before we arrived. Until I saw you with my own two eyes, I couldn't signal for the extraction team to come get us. Had I done it too early and you weren't on the same site, we would have had to scramble resources to find you and could have wasted precious time. Time Ruslan could have used to have you killed."

"There are days I wish he had…" Michiko sighed. "But… I can't hold you entirely at fault. You did what you could with the resources at hand. Am I still bitter and nursing feelings of betrayal? Yes. Do I hate you with my entire being like I did six months ago? No, and I hope you can forgive me for how I lashed out at you."

"You needed a siphon for your anger. I do not hold it against you." L rolled his shoulders, trying to adjust to the heavy atmosphere in the room. "Yes, your words hurt. But they were your feelings in verbal expression. And your feelings are valid." Melody smiled at L. The months of emotional re-training was sticking and she was seeing a great growth with the man before her.

"L. Let's go to you." Melody glanced over at his chart. "Actually… before I ask this, you need some physical contact for this." Shocked looks met the therapist. "You two haven't touched each other in six months. If there is truly anything here, you need to connect before any real trust is going to be reformed. It will also help to get physical response feedback to your answers and responses." She instructed them to sit on the ground, back to back, cross legged (much to L's chagrin). She watched with happy butterflies in her stomach as their backs tensed upon contact and then relaxed as their muscle memory realized who was near them. Michiko smiled and L tried to keep a blush from coming up to his cheeks.

They had missed each other. How cute.

"Okay L. Let's talk about your emotional advancement." Melody looked down at her notes. "You told me once that you are dealing with some emotional confusion and you are not sure if you are feeling the correct emotions for the scenario at hand. Could you go more in detail as to where this confusion started and what you think the emotions are? If you can't come up with the right name, try describing it for Michiko."

"Are we talking about the fact that she can do so much better and should be running away from me before I let us end up in this kind of scenario again?" L said, self-loathing lacing his words with a venom that was surprising to Michiko.

"And you won't let me make that decision on my own, why?" Michiko asked, her back tensing against L's.

"I just…" L sighed and rubbed his eyes with his hand. This was not going well. "I'm starting to understand why people say you should never get into the same business model with friends, family, or lovers. Misunderstandings and horrible judgement calls will be the death of those relationships. Ever since… that case, I've had this ache in my chest that won't go away. The closest thing I can compare it to is when suspects have kicked or stabbed me in the chest and it's that lingering throb after the fact."

"Sounds like guilt, to me." Michiko said, softly.

"Yes. Melody said the same thing. I don't like it." L rubbed his chest reflexively. "I even tried proving her wrong by going to a cardiologist. Never been so disappointed to hear I was in great health." Michiko suddenly let out a breath that was halfway between a laugh and a gasp.

"Why were you disappointed?"

"Because it meant I can no longer go back to doing this alone." Silence met his statement and L knew he had to clarify. "To feel this… guilt, means that, at least subconsciously, I'm admitting I'm flawed. I don't know what to say or if I even can ask for some semblance of understanding on your part. All I definitively know is that, ever since you walked through the door of my office, I knew you were going to play a huge role in this case. I just wasn't prepared for how intrusive you would become in my actual way of living."

"Do I have to apologize for that?" L could hear the confusion in her voice, but because they were not allowed to look at each other, he could only speculate based on the tension of her back and the lilt in her voice.

"You can't apologize for what you never predicted could happen. I guess it was just a long time coming. I couldn't remain completely soulless and devoid of any emotion beyond a respect of reason, statistics, and logic." L bit his lip, not wanting to admit the next part because he had denied it for so long. "If I'm ever going to truly understand what my quarry is thinking, I have to get the basics of emotion. As uncomfortable as it is, that's the only way I could ever truly get into someone's mind. The lack of emotional perception cost me so much in the Kira case and the L.A. case. And, more recently, the Oborin case." He glanced over his shoulder to see how his words had fared. Michiko was barely breathing, her shoulders rising and falling with the smallest perceptible movement.

Michiko licked her lips, glancing over at Melody. "What exactly are you looking for L? Confirmation that you're not a soulless husk?"

"I'm asking for your forgiveness. I do not know what that looks like and nor do I feel like I deserve it. But that is what I am putting on the table." L was referring to a scenario Mel used in therapy. With any pairing, each person put things on the table for the other to use or push aside at their whim. Good pairings (work, romantic, friendship, familial) both placed conditions on the table, assessed them, and valued them for what it was: the symbolic surrender of self from the other person. Right now, L was testing the waters of 'surrender' by leaving the choice of his forgiveness with Michiko. Mel could tell that L really hated being in the limbo of the unknown, but he had to realize that he couldn't always control the outcomes. Sometimes, he had to let someone else call the shots.

The silence stretched out. Minutes ticked by as L simply took in breath after breath, waiting for a response. He had gotten used to sustaining silence since he had started listening in on the meditation classes through the video feeds. With Mel's help, he had started channeling his feelings of desperation against a ticking clock by asking himself if there was a time limitation on a very pressing situation that was life or death. If he could answer no, he could spare a few moments to sit with his emotions, as messy as they were. He felt Michiko shift behind him and her hand touch his own.

For her part, Michiko wasn't sure where she stood. Didn't forgiveness mean 'I'm totally fine with everything you put me through'? She could never say that because she was forever changed because of what Ruslan did to her to try and get information from her. The cuts on her arms, the new scar under her chin, and, least of all, the endless torment of being Ruslan's unwilling bed companion. She wanted to vomit thinking back on it. She couldn't forgive L for knowingly putting her in that situation (no matter how statistically improbable).

She closed her eyes and thought back to one of her earlier sessions with Melody. What was it she had said? 'Forgiveness is not about condoning the actions of another. Forgiveness is about releasing deeply held negative feelings that are causing you mental and emotional anguish. The other person cannot feel the heaviness of the anger or distrust that you hold against them, so why bother holding onto it? What good is it doing you?' Michiko turned around, resting her hand on L's, causing him to partially turn to look at her, his dark grey eyes causing her heart to skip a beat.

"L… I can't give you forgiveness for putting me in the situations I ended up in." He started to turn away, but Michiko squeezed his hand to get his attention. "But… I will let go of my anger towards you. You acted in what you thought was the best way to get to the heart of the case. You did your job, even if I was collateral damage. And you had accounted for it. I know now you never wanted it to occur and that it was beyond your power to stop it."

"Had I known or seen it was happening, I would have ripped him apart with his own rusty sword." L sighed and turned his hand over to cradle Michiko's small hand in his own. "Death penalty by firing squad was too good for him."

"But at least he's gone now." Michiko said softly.

"Dismantling his operations is going to be a pain, but I have a good network." L started to go on, but Melody cleared her throat, trying to get him back on track. "As for your part, I accept it. I know it can't be easy for you to be in my presence, all things considered. But I'm glad to hear you won't hold such poisonous emotions close to you."

"You're holding enough guilt for both of us." Michi squeezed his hand before standing. "Feel free to email me, L. I'm open to communicating again."

"Would you want to get coffee after your class? Meet in a neutral zone?" L stood and rubbed his neck,nervous of how his advances could be taken so soon after a major revelation.

"How about the garden? We both could do with some sun." Michiko headed towards the door, pausing for an answer.

"Sure. I'll bring the coffee." L nodded his farewell as the door shut, letting out a deep breath he didn't know he had been holding. "Quit patting yourself on the back, Mel."

"What? I can't celebrate that two of my most stubborn cases have made a huge breakthrough?" Mel turned around with two small cups of her patented 'hyper-espresso'. "And I'm very proud of you L. You didn't place unmeasurable expectations for her forgiveness. You accepted it as she was willing to give. That's a big step."

"Hopefully these small meetings will get us on more solid footing." L accepted the cup, looking into its black depths. "I can't ever hope to get back to the way we were. But we're on speaking terms again. That's more than I could have hoped for six months ago."

"Cheers to small miracles." Mel held out her cup for L to tap against. "Also, good on you for calling it a 'meeting' and not a 'date'."

"One day at a time, Mel." L finished his coffee, looking at the dregs for some source of guidance to the unknown future ahead of him. "Let's just take it one day at a time."