AN – this was going to be an AU fic. Very very AU idea created during the episodes when Klaus was remodeling his house and I was playing monopoly. I thought, what if Klaus mortgaged is house and bonnie bought it because she inherited some secret fund? The two of them cohabitating like roomies. Ha Ha.

The day was starting, all over again, for the umpteenth time. Klaus groaned, stretched and groaned again. Life had taken an odd twist for him. He'd gotten careless and found himself in a situation that was simultaneously miraculous and macabre. What comes from having your hybrid minion do your business for you, he supposed. He'd gone away for a year if so much and came back to find a mortgage out on his house. Somehow – through slinging dope, taking out a heavy life insurance policy on her father, running a Ponzi scheme, he'd never put much thought into it, shockingly – Bonnie managed the funds to buy it out from the bank. He'd had two options then, rent elsewhere or squat, and of course he'd chosen to squat. They'd started at opposite halves of the house, and he'd used his unnatural charm and pizzazz to work his way over to her half and more specifically, her bed.

He scratched himself as he opened his eyes, "What time is it?"

"Late." She didn't even look at him, too busy making up her face, doing some shit or the other to her eyelashes. "Get up. Get out."

He pulled the sheets down to just below his waist and yawned. "I'm not getting out of this bed until I've been fucked. Thoroughly fucked."

That got her angry. She stomped over to him and glowered. "You have plans for today, remember? You have your hybrid to meet with. And I have company coming over. Witch-Hunters to kill."

"Fuck that… and fuck me," he grabbed at her but she levelled him with an aneurysm. She was getting good at those. Too good.

He couldn't manage to pretend to care about her Witch-Hunter. The only way to deal with witches was to let them deal with their own problems. He grinned, loving that the very idea of another true hybrid in existence was capable of having any effect at all on her mood. He used some of his dazzling, mind-numbing speed to zoom up behind her and plunge his fingers down the front of panties. She really should know better than to even attempt to get dressed in front of him. And who leaves off in their underwear to do eyelashes anyway, fucking tease.

The aneurysm she floored him with was anything but teasing.

He flumped to the bed again, "Fuck it, Bonnie, I'm hard now." He gestured at his erection with disgust. "Do something."

"Like?"

He shrugged. "Suck it. Fuck it. Whatever you like, I'm not a fussy man."

"It's too early in the morning for sex."

"Never."

"You're an addict, you know that?" She put her foot up on the stool and squeezed her rose oil out onto her palms. Right there, right in front of him, she started rubbing it into her legs.

His cock was putting up a fight. Normally, he'd be able to muscle up some willpower but he was a little irritated. He stared at the pillar rising from his groin and pulled a sheet over himself, spent half a second considering giving himself a hand job and fumed. "It's too early in the morning for masturbation."

"It's too early for me to deal with you."

"I want you."

She shrugged. "Yeah, well…"

"Really badly."

"You really badly want to throw a monkey wrench in my day and throw me off my game. You live to derail everything I do. Get out."

"Not until I've been fucked." He didn't care about anything she did. Not really. She could have a thousand secret witch meetings with ten thousand different witches. Warlocks. Whatever. He was ten centuries too old to care about what some child witch did with her days.

"I'm not fucking you, Klaus."

"It doesn't have to be you. As I've said, I'm not a fussy man." He couldn't help the grin. He must look like the most mischievous boy in the world. "There are people who'd die to make love to me, Bonnie. People who have died. I'm in demand, in case you didn't notice."

"I didn't notice. But by all means, go ahead. Go single out one of those legions of women and make her suffer."

His grin widened. "I wouldn't even have to use compulsion."

"Did I say you'd have to?"

His grin began to fade. She really was pissing him off. "You're a fucking tease, you know that?"

Unruffled: "For a guy who's pushing centuries, your vocabulary is pretty limited, you know? You're always effing this and effing that…"

"Like I care what you think. Maria!" he called, shouting for the woman he'd picked up the night before. He'd left her somewhere in the house, but she should be in shouting distance. There should be three or four scattered around the house, come to think of it. "Maria!"

"She left."

Oh. "Helena!"

"Selena," she corrected. The nerve of her.

"Selena!"

The girl poked her head through the door, a pretty thing. Hint of Hispanic, well breasted, staring at him like he was her sun and moon. She'd do.

"Come," he beckoned her into the room.

She came, gave Bonnie the once over as she entered, even proffered a bashful hi. Bonnie only nodded.

"Come," he waved her over impatiently to the bed, and threw the sheets off himself. "I want you to fuck me like it's my birthday. It's not, but pretend anyway."

Up until that point, he hadn't known what exactly he'd been expecting, but he'd supposed that Bonnie would have intervened at some point. Selena was all for it, though. Bonnie's presence in the room made her hesitate for all of three or four seconds and then she was climbing into the bed, jumping into the bed and landing mouth first onto his cock. His hands shot into her hair, holding her head in place as she worked her tongue around him.

"Ahhh…" he moaned, balls tightening up, "And I'm not compelling her…"

Bonnie was back to her mirror taking a pencil to her eyelids.

She had real talent, Selena, taking his length right up to the back of her throat. His hips jerked up in response. "I wonder what she's like," he mused out loud as Selena added some teeth work, which was nice.

"Who?"

"The hybrid, who else? The other hybrid. My destined mate. And we should have a full moon tonight so that'll make it arousing…"

"Everything arouses you. What's the word for that? Bisexual?"

"Pansexual. Open minded. Liberated. I wonder how liberated she is. Been a while since I've been able to… go wild. Thanks for helping me find her though. To think that if it wasn't for you and all your busy-body scrying I'd not have even known she existed."

"Just make sure you're not related before you fuck her."

"I will. Fear not."

"You know how it is when you get excited. And just to remind you, you have to get your women out of here before Isaac arrives. Or else he'll think I'm running some kind of… whorehouse."

He grunted, holding off his climax. "What kind of man would object to being in a–" He came anyway, panting and sweating, "– in a whorehouse. And this is my house, so I can turn it into the fucking Moulin Rouge if I want, but let's not start that argument again." He pulled the girl up, got her jeans off and repositioned her quickly before the cold air had too much of an effect. She was all gangly limbs but he managed to get her on her knees and bent over. He slapped her bare ass and grinned as the sound rang out in the room.

She screamed as he pushed into her. The good kind of scream that was music to any man's ears. All kinds of screams can be musical once you're open-minded, but Selena was making a good show. "So," he set up a slow pace, tangling his fingers in the girl's hair again. She really had nice hair. He'd picked up one for the hair, one for the face and the other, either Janice or Alice, for her legs. Maria was The Face. Selena, The Hair. She could have been The Breasts too, because she had a nice set on her he noticed as her blouse rode up around her neck. "So, what exactly are you and this Isaac going to do while I'm out? Planning on being naughty?"

She pulled a robe on and started on her hair, teasing out the curls.

An awful lot of effort for just some casual spell chanting with a casual acquaintance. He drove in a little deeper–

"Yes!" Selena screamed. She really was a loud one. "Yes! Yes! Fuck me, Klaus! Harder! Harder!"

"Harder and I'll break you, love," he drawled.

"Fuck me! Fuck! Yes! Klaus! Klaus! Klaus!" she started up a chant, punctuated by his thrusts.

He tightened his grip on her hair, yanking it just a little. "And who exactly are you dressing up for? The Witch-Hunter? What the fuck is a Witch-Hunter anyway? I'm one hundred per cent confused about your entire situation. If you need some man-power, real man-power–" He gave the girl an extra hard thrust and had her coming around him. "She's like a vice, fuck…" She really was. An excellent fuck. "Bonnie, I– Bonnie…" Fuck… His teeth snapped down on the girl's carotid as he climaxed. Her blood was hot and practically spraying out of her. Tasted decent, for a human. He pulled her up against his chest, scooping her up as he fed. He hadn't planned to drain her, but before he could stop chugging, her hand dropped, limp and pale.

He let her body go, watched it sprawl lifelessly and finish bleed out.

"So," he rounded on his resident houseguest. She had balls. Not literally, but she had them. He'd expected more than her stoic reaction. He'd wanted more. Slowly, he pulled closer to her, licking Selena's blood off his lips. "I'll be back by tonight, or tomorrow, so try to not die while I'm gone. Although I wouldn't mind getting my house back, I assume you have a will made out, witchcraft being such a dangerous hobby as it is." He took her face in her hands and kissed her chastely on the forehead. "Have fun. And wear the green dress." He paused at the door waiting for her compulsory retort.

"Don't walk around my house naked."

"I still have to find Alice."

"Tasha."

With as American an accent as he could muster, "Whatever."

He came in on her while she was on the toilet.

"Klaus!" she shrieked.

"Not so loud, it's after midnight." It was.

"Get out!"

He took a seat next to her on the bidet. "I keep telling you, more fibre." He'd been waiting on her to drop it since forever, in strict accordance to the laws of decency, or privacy or whatever they were calling it, when he'd lost patience. Ten minutes to drop a load was too much.

"Mind your business!"

"Your ass is my business. Anything going in it – my business. Anything coming out – my business. I–"

"I'm trying to take a shit! My shit is my business!"

"You're not doing it right! That's how people get haemorrhoids!"

"Klaus!"

"Or anal fissures! I can help you with it."

"You can't help me take a shit!"

He rubbed her shoulder consolingly. "You wouldn't think so, but I can. It'll amaze you the things I have experience with; a thousand years can be…educational."

The shock began to wear off, and she slumped back on the bowl in resignation. He could only imagine how uncomfortable she was, but shacking up with her was all about pushing limits. Breaking that shell. Give him a hundred years and he'd make a right monster woman out of her. Monster witch, to be more accurate.

"You look like shit." Then she cringed. "Not faeces shit. I mean, you look like you had it rough."

"I did," he yawned, stretching his limbs out like a cat. "Very rough. My co-hybrid turned out to be more wolf than vampire. Very feral." He started a count off on his fingers, "She's six hundred years old, beastly strong, insanely fast – managed to rip my spleen out before I could introduce myself – and… what else? Blond, looks a bit like Rebekah–"

"The sex must have been interesting."

"Oh love, it was," and he flashed her his Cheshire grin. "Painful, but interesting. I have yet to learn anything of significance about her origins and where she's been the last six centuries – and I did use the 'where were you all my life' line on her – but she's a bit of a freak, the poor girl. First she was eviscerating me, then she was feeding on me, next thing I know my dick was in her mouth. I thought she'd suck it off me. A real hellcat."

"And it took you till midnight to remember where you lived?"

"I thought you'd be busy with Isaac," he made a song of the name to tease her. And because he could not abide the silence, followed up with, "I know you have a weakness for blue eyes, how they get you wet between the legs… I didn't want to interrupt."

She glared at him, "He helped me set up wards around the house to keep people from getting in."

"Must be some shitty wards. I got in."

"To keep bad people from getting in."

"I'm bad."

"Klaus."

"Bonnie." He propped his feet up on the padded stool that she kept for her pedicures taking a sick joy in watching the mud from his boots rub off on the white satin. "How long are you going to stay like this? I've seen women give birth faster than this."

"Make some popcorn, get comfortable."

"That's disgusting."

"This is disgusting."

"Constipation is disgusting. I keep telling you, fibre. Roughage. Would it kill you to eat a carrot?"

"Why do you care?" she screamed.

He cared because he wanted to take a shower with her, and he'd had everything planned out in his head. And now he'd have to wait. Wait on her to be in the mood, wait for her to look at him, wait on her to clear a space in her schedule… And anything anal would be out of the question, doubtlessly. "Hell, Bonnie, how hard is it for a man to get fucked around here?"

Her jaw clenched, "What is it with you today?"

"It's a full moon. I'm bursting out of my skin here if you even give a fuck."

She chortled, "Your time of the month, huh?"

He kicked the stool away and scowled. "I don't need this."

"Wait," she grabbed at his pants when he passed. "Grab a shower, you smell like her."

"Good. And her name's Natalia. And you smell like Isaac and every other person in Mystic Falls except me." He wiggled out of her grip. "Unforgivable, Bonnie. Utterly unforgivable."

"Fine," she sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose and closing her eyes. "If you're gagging for it, I suppose I could accommodate you…"

An eyebrow went up, "I'd be ever so grateful."

"Tomorrow."

He froze. Then frowned. "It's after midnight now, so when you say tomorrow, you mean later today, right?"

She flung him out the door, slammed it back behind him and bolted it shut.

Fucking tease.

This was just for fun. What happens when you watch Rome too many times. This was inspired by that scene where Atia's getting dressed for Caesar'a funeral and Anthony's like 'pre funeral sex'. Disregarding the ending which was rushed and botched, Atia x Anthony was one of the best pairings I ever think it had (followed probably by Ares and Xena). The guy is permanently living in her house, sleeping with her servants in her bed and has the gall to be pissed at her for making him sleep with the servants. The man is an outrageous flirt with everything that moves, but is so confident in his thing with Atia… The guy marries her daughter and the two of them still find a way to work that out.At no point in time in two whole seasons does he ever say that he loves her, despite how many times she repeats it, but the only thing that actually breaks them up is when he gets banished from the country. Anyhow. I know everybody hates Atia, and she is kinda evil, but it's cute how she settles for Anthony's sordid behaviours because she knows somehow that he loves her. And the thing is, Atia x Antony is actually the main relationship of the series, and they're more like co-conspirators of evil. I have no idea how Delena/ Stelena is supposed to keeps people's interest in a show. Two guys shouting – I love you, I love you more – and Elena's in love with everybody… I need new entertainment. Some new fantastic ship to jump on.