A/N: This is a parody of CoD. I fully expect to see kids raging in reviews about how the game is superior to all other games and how their penises are bigger than mine and blah blah blah.

WARNING: If you haven't played WaW, Mw2, or MW3, there are SPOILERS!

Disclaimer: I do not own Call of Duty, but I wish I woend the Zombies ideas.

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Dimitri sat up and looked over at his side. A green text popped up on his screen, stating the name of a dead soldier named Pvt. Alexnovios. Because all dead Russians in that war had names starting with an A. Seeing the text, he shook his head and muttered, "Fuck..." before reaching for the rifle that was scripted to always have a fully loaded clip even if it had been used to fight of Germans before being captured.

Dimitri was kicked in the face from the right, obviously turning his head left as the other two guards lost interest in their shitty guard duty and looked over at Dimitri as tanks could be heard outside.

"HELLO BITCHES!" Reznov yelled, the wall exploding as he punched it. The Germans died instantly, the wall pieces hitting them strategically in their hearts and faces which is an instant kill. Reznov, with a glitch making his head rotate all the way around, walked into the room with a man behind him that closely resembled Nikolai from the Zombies mode.

"Chernov, you pussy, finish this man off!" Reznov yelled, pulling Dimitri to his feet.

"No Reznov, I joined this war to keep my diary not to kill the enemies of my country!" Chernov yelled back, his rifle morphing into a gun as he wrote in his diary.

Chernov's diary, page 1000101100111100

Today Reznov blew a wall up with his fist. God, I wish I could do that. After the wall blew up and the Germans died, he asked me to shoot a dead body to prove my loyalty to his dick. I refused and am now writing to you. Also, this guy named Dimitri looks like a pussy.

Love, Chernov.

"Chernov, your diary mentions my penis. Therefore it is amazing!" Reznov hugged Chernov, and then slapped him, as he was scripted to do.

"Sorry, I am scripted to hate anyone who writes diaries, but I love men who mention my penis." Reznov said, turning to walk out of the destroyed house.

Outside were several men and tanks standing still as if Dimitri could unfreeze them. A burning corn field was tot heir left, with several Russian soldiers stuck in the middle, with Germans bent over jerking off to the smoke. Because everybody knows Dimitri causes time to resume going.

The tanks and men continued moving, many of the men pulling molotov cocktails out of their asses, lighting them with their fingernails, and then chucking them into an already burning field.

"Fuck this... Next, please." Dimitri muttered, looking down to where he could only see his arms. His legs were gone, but he was still able to walk. Yep, so natural.

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Miller awoke with smoke in his face. Low voices were muttering in a language that he didn't understand and the man next to him was bleeding for no reason, no cuts on his whatsoever. A general came over and for no reason pushed his cigarette into his forehead before cutting him with his sword.

"Fuck, not one of these again..." Miller muttered.

Before the commander could stab him, Sullivan yelled out, "Quick, save Miller when we could have saved that other bitch too. Miller, now you're my bitch, got that!" The General was cut in the throat, and instantly died instead of slowly choking to death and lack of air.

"Miller, come over here and pick up the last rifle we have, you stupid fuck!" Sullivan yelled, and Miller picked up the rifle, which suddenly turned into a rifle from 2016, with a ten round clip and a kick that everyone in the world could handle.

"Wheeeee!" Sullivan squealed, 360'ing his fellow American soldiers with his future rifle. Other than him, Miller, and Roebuck, everyone else died form 1 hit to their big toe, and curled over in the sand.

"Miller, you see that hut? Go over there, and inside you will find a dead Jap with a bayonet stuck in him and a card on it. These cards randomly appear throughout the gay battles we fight, and one will appear when we switch to the view of some lazy Russian bitch named Resnov!" Roebuck shouted into Miller's ear, making him drop the Barret.

He picked it up and attempted to shoot Roebuck several times, but only got responses such as: "Miller, stop!" "Fuck you, Private!" "BITCH I WILL CUT YOU!" and the all favorite: "MILLER, BEND THE FUCK OVER RIGHT NOW!" After several clips of this, Miller's eyes faded to white, with Roebuck and Sullivan visible in the background. They were frozen as words surfaced to his face: FRIENDLY FIRE IS ONLY TOLERATED ON THE LAST MISSION YOU STUPID MARINE ASSHOLE CAN YOU EVEN READ?

Miller's vision faded as Roebuck shouted into his ear again, this time about how in the future some douche named Polonsky would lose his helmet and get raped in a closet on the last mission.

"OKAY FUCK ALL OF YOU, I'M GOING HOME!" Miller yelled, striding past the two men who were now comparing quickscoping skills by quickscoping some guy with futuristic gear and a mohawk in front of them. The man was unaware of what they were doing, and was holding a mask with a skull on it and a picture of what looked to be an old guy kissing him.

Miller started up the boat and drove it away. Roebuck and Sullivan suddenly appeared in the boat with him, and were now comparing penis sizes.

"Fuck..." Miller muttered.

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Soap stood next to a destroyed car, a multiplayer map to his left and General Shepherd in front of him. Soap was plunging his knife into him multiple times, and the man just sat there, staring down at his bloody chest.

"Bloody hell, why won't you die?" Soap asked.

"Shut the fuck up and come at me already Soap. I'm scripted to be stabbed and then pull the knife out of my heart and then say some shit about fucking 30,000 men in the blink of an eye, because losing 30,000 is too mainstream." Shepherd responded.

The following happened, and Shepherd stood over Soap, loading his magnum while Soap just sat there like a dumbass. Shepherd was loading his magnum with 6 bullets, even though only 1 was necessary.

"10 years ago, I hugged 30,000 men in the blink of an eye, and the world just fucking clapped..." Shepherd said, aiming down at Soap.

Shepherd was back loading his magnum again.

"10 years ago, I shot 30,000 men in the knees with an arrow in the blink of an eye, and the world just fuckin' said it was too mainstream." Shepherd aimed down at Soap.

Again, he was loading his magnum. "10 Years ago, I watched 30,000 men die from my own fault in the blink of an eye, and the world just fuckin' watched!" Aim at Soap.

Once more, he was loading the magnum. "30,000 years ago, I blinked 10 times as the world clapped at Sgt. Foley's penis while some douchebag named Ramirez learned how to pilot a chopper while going undercover to be shot by some fag named Makarov that will eventually kill you in the future, and then Price will strangle him to death with the help of some Russian named Yuri, and then he'll light a cigarette next to his body and smoke it while he thinks about you and some bitch named Reznov from the 1940s."

"Now that doesn't even make any sense..." Soap muttered, as the scripting went wrong and as Price tackled Shepherd, the magnum remained where it was, and fired into Soap's mohawk, severing it.

"NOOOOOOOOOOOO!" Soap yelled.