A/N: Okay, the first chapter. I'm biting my nails, because I don't know if this is a complete terror or something at least a little bearable. But I'll keep writing. Don't prepare the slippers and rotten tomatoes. If you decide to throw some shoes at me, at least throw brown and perforated. That would be better. I have a passion for the multi-chapters and for hurt-comfort, eh, my my.

Okay, I talk. All I wanted to say was 'don't kill me' and 'if possible - how does it feel?'

Enjoy!

Your faithful.

Chapter 1

I'm a-walkin' in the rain,

Tears are falling and I feel the pain,

Wishing you were here by me

To end this misery…

Del Shannon – Runaway

It's dark.

He tumbles in bed, curling up into a little ball of loneliness and straightening again, turning from his back to his sides, trying to hide his head under the pillow, but nothing helps.

His skull is filled with tangled thoughts, they make too much noise. No use trying to push them aside. Finally he turns on his back and stares at the ceiling. His cheeks are wet, he's glad that his roommate is sleeping. He closes his eyes not to see more emptiness – he's filled with it, he doesn't want more. And he starts untangling his thoughts. For the very first time in those three weeks and a half.

He thinks. First it's almost painful. But he forces himself to. And he seems to succeed. He catches the end of one thought – like a thread in a ball – and follows it…

Hellton is cold. Hellton is dull. Hellton is terrible. That makes it absolutely unbearable to stay there. But more than this all, Hellton is enormous. It has always been, but it became especially large lately. And it's definitely way too large for a guy like Knox.

He's all alone. He's surrounded by people – by absolutely different people – and you could say he has everybody. He has Chris. He has the Poets. He even has some teachers who aren't as conservative as Nolan. Though conservative isn't the right word. The word 'cruel' is on the tip of his tongue – but it'll never be said.

You can say he has them all. Maybe it looks like he has. But he doesn't have anybody. He's all alone in that enormous grey school. It's packed with people – and it's empty. Cold and empty. And lonely.

There's no life in grey walls. There's no life in the silence of the air. And there's no life in the dull faces that surround him.

Nothing will ever be the same. Nolan won. And they are knocked down. He wanted them down in shame, down in 'healthy' loneliness, down in silent obedience of the animals. But they couldn't stoop that low. They couldn't break.

Neil is not with them any more. Mr Keating – their Captain – is somewhere, nobody even knows where. And Charlie…

He winces and bites his lower lip to hold the unbidden tears back. It's wrong, terribly wrong, everything around, but he can't be weak. He cannot allow himself to be weak. He forces himself to think – that's all he can actually do now.

Think, idiot. You are a man, aren't you?

Yes, he is. So he follows the thoughts on.

Charlie is far away. In another state. Closer than might have been, farther than Knox can reach. Somehow of the three missing people Knox misses Charlie the most. No, the absence of any and all of them hurts, but it's different with each one. He tries to specify that as he had to wince again.

No, I must. I have to do something to bring at least myself back to life. Maybe I will come up with something to do. With something… better…

Neil, he thinks. Neil is no longer on earth among mortal beings. Good words to explain it, he thinks and grins to himself weakly. After those three and a half weeks the pain Neil's death has brought faded a little. It turned into some emptiness – like a round hole in the middle of Knox's heart. He has been trying not to think about him – and when he succeeded, he would feel better.

Mr Keating. The Captain. He is at least alive – but he is out of reach. Their 'O Captain! My Captain!' could be their last farewell. Knox sighs. If he only knew where the Captain is! He'd do the craziest things to get there. But nobody knows – perhaps because nobody actually wants to. And those who could possibly want are busy self-pitying.

Charlie…

Knox sighs deeper.

Without Charlie his life has no taste. Without Charlie his life is empty. It is like vacuum. An empty space – near him at the desk – the one which he still calls theirs… or behind him in the room where they used to listen to Mr Keating…

And the worst thing is that he can't even share those thoughts with anyone. After everything the students has become strange. They walk automatically, they act automatically. They've learned to stare at one spot for long hours when they are unable to sleep and don't have anything else to do. They are in some kind of a trance. Nobody even tries to fight. Todd's eyes are permanently red. Everybody's voices have become dull and monotone.

Knox frowns, understanding that he might as well be such a lifeless creature. He should keep himself alive. If he can't live normally without Charlie, he won't live without him. The only thing he wants to understand now is why he doesn't. Though he knows the answer. He has just always been afraid to admit it to himself.

Charlie…

Knox opens his eyes and closes them again.

Charlie has always been special. Charlie is his best friend – not 'was', it will never be 'was', but he is. And will forever be. But, at the same time, he has always been something more. When Charlie has touched him, something has risen from the depths of Knox's heart. When he has behaved like crazy – and crazy he is indeed! – something inside Knox has turned, snapped, and he's felt odd – and strangely good.

He doesn't know how to call it. But this very feeling seems to wake him up from that trance they've all been in.

Charlie Dalton.

Nuwanda.

Knox opens his eyes suddenly. His heart has just hit his ribs especially strongly – and he got an idea immediately. All he has to do is run away. Run away to Charlie. He can find his address in that book – he knows where it is kept. It should be there, where he thinks it is. He only needs to find out when the train to that town – or at least in that direction – leaves. And he needs a ticket…

Knox turns on his side. His eyes are shining. It appears to be so easy to find a way out of that state they all are in! His brain is working fast. He needs a plan – and he'll have it…

He wipes his still a little wet cheeks and smiles to himself.

You're a genius, Knoxious, - he thinks – and closes his eyes tight as his heart hits his ribs once again with the only thought of that name they used to call him in the better days.

Nuwanda and Knoxious. They are so different. But that makes them match and be whole. Like two pieces of one puzzle, they make one together. Charlie has chosen Knox – no, they both have chosen each other. God knows why. They've always been so together.

Thought you can separate us? – he thinks to himself, mocking at everybody. – You'd better not! Because you can't.

The idea of the plan is simple as everything genial: he has to write down Charlie's exact address, then go and buy himself a ticket – the best if it is for a night train… and then just go! Quite easy. At least sounds so. Knox smiles to himself. With Charlie it will be better. Much better. He doesn't want to sit in Hellton, and he's sure that Charlie doesn't want to sit there – wherever he is – alone.

That will be good for everyone. Absolutely everyone. Knox and Charlie is an interesting mixture – they surely will come up with something that will wake everyone and everything up.

He makes himself comfortable on his bed. Well, he doesn't know when he will fall asleep tonight, if he even will – he'll just lie there thinking of his plan.

This was a brilliant idea, - he thinks to himself. Soon I'll probably hear him call me Knoxious again. Soon I'll be there – maybe with me he'll wake up, too – anyway, it's not Charlie to stare at one spot! He'll be alive, he'll be crazy like he has always been – well, at least when he sees me.

He's forgotten all his worries – and we can't blame him for this. He's sure that everything is going to work out the best way. He closes his eyes and thinks of the plan – it is a great pleasure.

Soon his thoughts begin to fade. Knox falls asleep.