A/N- *sighs* okay guys im just letting know before you read this.. This was an actual diary entry I wrote but I feel like I need to share it.. I don't know why but I feel like maybe if I share it with some of you.. It'll help me get better. So before you review or if you even do please remember that these are my actual words and thoughts.. So just please be gentle? Alright now that we've got this out of the way..

Here you go.

p.s- im putting this in Clary's point of view.

Febuary 8th, 2012

I'm so done with trying to talk to people… Like why would they want to listen to me when they have better things to worry about? Why would they bother to listen? They all have futures ahead of them… Me? Now I have nothing.. No plans, No future.. Why you ask? My future was taken from me. The day he closes his eyes forever is the day my future ends. Yeah your thinking whatever she's only eighteen she's probably just being overly dramatic right? Wrong.. You are so incredibly wrong.

You see he was there for me when my friends dies. Where were you? Maybe you didn't notice but I struggled. So hard. Everyday I had to fight back tears just to get through the day. But no one noticed.. And if they did no one did anything about it. They all acted like no one cared. But he did. That's one of the reasons why I love him so much He could understand me when I would talk about why I couldn't go home because he lived that life too.

He knew when I was okay or when I was actually hurting through just by reading a text message. But none of you could see it while I was standing right in front of your face. Did you seriously believe I was tired all of those days?

Maybe you were to worried about which section of lines you had to memorize that week… Or maybe you were to focused on complaining about about how sick you were you were feeling that one day. But what people don't know is so what we have a fever, or a cold or hell even the damn flu… they will go away in a few days or so.. Cancer doesn't just go away. It stays with you. Doctors say you go into remission, you celebrate for a day or two or maybe a week.. But it'll hit you… like a train going as fast as possible. Yeah your cured for today. But who knows about tomorrow or next week? Or just as soon as you get rid of that feeling it'll come back. It'll always come back.

Anyways he's my best friend and he's the only person I could see my self ever loving forever. And he could be gone in any moment. You don't know how hard that is… Constantly thinking about why he hasent texted you today. Is he gone? Or is he just sleeping? Does he have more test today? A surgery he didn't tell me about? It's constantly going around in a circle through my brain… but no one will ever know how much it tears me apart. Why? Because they belive all the lies I tell them. Cause no one will eve be able to read me as well as he could.

So while my friends go off to college and start families. I'll be trying to move on and to get my heart glued back together… trying not to compare every new boyfriend.. If any.. I have to him..