Title: "The Monster Within"
Author: Pirate Turner
Rating: R
Summary: He can never forget.
Warnings: Slash, Established Pairing
Word Count: 865
Date Written: 24 June, 2012
Challenge: For a Comment-fic LJ comm prompt
Disclaimer: Eliot, Alec Hardison, all other characters mentioned within, and Leverage are ﾩ & TM their rightful owners, none of whom are the author, and are used without permission. Everything else is ﾩ & TM the author. The author makes absolutely no profit off of this work of fan fiction, and no copyright infringement is intended.

He can't ever let go of his past. The voices are always there screaming in his mind, some yelling from anguish, others begging for mercy. Every time he shuts his eyes, he sees another person he killed, another death for which he yearns secretly for a forgiveness that can never be found, bought, or given. He knows there's a monster deep inside of him, always lurking just beneath the surface, and he tries so hard to keep it chained within.

Yet, tonight, it broke the chains. He killed again. He was in a blind rage, because his man had been taken, taken and beaten to within an inch of his life. If he hadn't made it to him when he had, if he'd been one second too slow killing any of those whose blood still covers his hands and shirt, Eliot knows it would have been too late. Hardison would have been killed, and yet he can not find it within himself to forgive himself for taking lives again.

Every one of them deserved it. Every one of them was a murderer, a druggie, and a thief. A few had done things that managed to make even his tough skin crawl. But he still can't forgive himself for letting his beast out for he knows what would have happened had he failed to contain it, and he knows, too, of all those innocents his beast slaughtered.

Alec's face is in his hands now. He could break his neck, kill him, in just a split second if his monster was unleashed upon him. He'd been so foolish tonight, talking him down, not letting go of him until his rage had subsided. He could have killed him so easily. Deep down, a part of Eliot realizes he wants to cry, but he won't let himself not here, not now.

Alec strokes his face. He's still speaking soothingly to him; he has been for hours. But Eliot knows his words are lies. He did hurt him. The bruise on his handsome, dark face is the proof of that for when he first touched him, Eliot threw him against the wall. Had he thrown him any harder, he would have broken every bone in the hacker's body.

"But you didn't," Alec whispers yet again, causing Eliot to wonder if he's only thinking these things or if he's speaking them aloud. "You didn't kill me. You didn't break me. But they did, and they would have. I'm alive because of you. Let it go, baby. You did the right thing."

But can killing ever be the right answer? There's got to be another way, but still Eliot knows Alec's right - this time. This time, there was no other way. If he'd let any of those men live, they would have come back again. They might have killed Alec, Nate, or even himself. They would have raped Parker and Sophie before killing them. They were monsters themselves, and if ever a living being deserved to be put down, it was them.

But who is he to be judge, jury, and executioner all rolled into one? They may have deserved it, but what of the hundreds before them, the thousands? What of their families, their children? How many lives has he ruined? Eliot hangs his head. His long, dark hair falls all around his handsome, sorrowful face, but still, he doesn't cry.

Alec wraps him in his arms. He kisses his forehead. He tries to pretend it doesn't hurt and that he's not afraid of Eliot when the rage overtakes him. He stands strong before him, holds him sweetly, and loves him tenderly. Eliot won't face him now. He won't let him kiss him, so Alec covers the top of his head and his hair in kisses instead. He loves him with his mouth, kissing him softly and telling him how wonderful, brave, and strong he is and how he wouldn't be alive now if it wasn't for him.

Eventually, Eliot relents. He lets Alec kiss him, lets him take him to bed and thank him "properly" for saving his life, but always, Eliot knows that monster is inside of him just waiting to be unleashed and kill more. He can't let go of his past, because if he does, he knows he's doomed to repeat it, so he clings to it. He reminds himself every day and night of the innocents he's killed, and he promises, he swears, he'll never take an innocent life again.

Yet, always, he's afraid he'll be wrong. He's scared of his monster. He's scared of what it can, will, and has done. He's scared of his future. He's scared of himself. He'll never admit any of this aloud, however, and for one more night, he buries himself and his fears in Hardison and their love making and tries to pretend that everything is okay, that he can control the monster and choose his own future, that he'll never hurt or kill the wrong people again, and that their future will be made bold, bright, and wonderful by their love that nothing can stop. Nothing, he fears, but himself, his wrong decisions, and the monster within.

The End