Warning(s): Physical and verbal abuse, bullying, violence, suicide attempt and more dark themes.

If any of these themes are triggering or make you uncomfortable, (I have a feeling I will be adding more to this list) I recommend turning back now.

Um... with these warnings in mind, um. Please tread carefully.

Chapter 1 - Disgrace of the Sawada family

"You're a disgrace."

"Do you know how embarrassing it is for us to have a son who never gets anything done right?"

"No one would ever need someone as useless as you."

Those were just a few examples selected from the other million negative remarks that Sawada Tsunayoshi heard every single day of his fourteen year old life as far as his memory went. Every single day he went through situations that seemed to worsen as time passed with no support, no friends. Not even his family, his only two relatives - his mother and father stuck with him. Everybody he had ever known had their backs to him. Not that he minded, he didn't need them. He was fine living alone; he could survive without anyone's help. Despite his claim of being fully capable of withstanding the ache of being rejected and ignored by everybody, he wished, he hoped and prayed to whoever might even be listening to his petty pleas, that he would, one day be accepted. That one day, he would be able to have a normal conversation with people he could call friends and get through his life without being bullied or picked on.

Useless

Stupid

Cry baby

Coward

Those were just some of the names he was called as he grew up from school mates. He remembered seeing some of the children wanting to help him through their eyes before they turned away from the sight of him getting beaten up in the early years of his primary school, though none stood up for him. After all, who would want to get themselves involved in a fight against bullies if they had no reason to? And for what? Absolutely nothing. It was none of their business to intervene. It was known amongst students that if you asked a teacher or anyone for help, they would only be bringing themselves more trouble. For one, the victim or victims would be let off for a while, before the bullies returned with more force in making their prey live in constant uneasiness for the rest of their school life. No one wanted to deal with that.

Unable to hide his growing wounds and purple bruises forming, his mother had dragged him to school during his last year in primary school. There she had a long talk to the teachers about her son's abuser(s) and the next day, demanded to meet with his bullies' parents. To Tsuna's relief, his bullies had stopped for a bit and he managed to move around without having to worry or be paranoid about his every step, finally free from the students who, without a reason, abused him – his new found freedom was short-lived, ending as soon as he reached middle school.

He was fine, his grades weren't the best, but they were gradually improving with the help of his mother and her continuous, persisting support during his first year. And he wasn't picked on as much, but that didn't mean he was completely safe and immune to his primary school bullies. Tsuna knew from previous experiences that almost anything good that somehow managed to sneak its way to his life was just a sign of impending bad luck, sadness, almost anything negative.

"What is the worst that can happen?" He had remembered asking himself, an attempt to get him up and moving from his prolonged stage of depression. It only proved to wreck his inner thoughts as possible scenarios flooded his already gloomy mind.

His father, Iemitsu, a normally bright and cheery blonde returned after four long years of absence from the Sawada household. Four years of no emails, no letters, no 'how are you doing?'

There was absolutely no contact at all.

Absolutely nothing.

Not even for his mother whom during his first year of middle school still squealed and blushed as she rambled on and on about him. Tsuna didn't mind listening during their meals as he watched Nana's expressions drift dreamily as she talked- no, walked through her memories with him. It made him happy to see his mother practically gleaming with joy.

It was only a year ago when Iemitsu came parading through the front door without warning after school, boots caked in dry mud, clothes dirty and breathe reeking of alcohol and overall, a faint female's perfume hanging onto him. Needless to say, Tsuna was enraged at his pathetic excuse of a father's drunken stupor as almost unrecognizable slurs of what sounded like, "I love you Nana," tumbled from his mouth during the brief breaks he had as he hurled the rest of his stomach's content down the toilet.

From then on his mother and father had tried to keep from bringing up the incident, however soon they started to fight, speaking their thoughts as the number of arguments increased as time passed. It grew with every passing day, growing in intensity until it was overwhelming and Tsuna didn't want to go home.

There were days where Tsuna purposely walked around the whole of Namimori at a snails pace, just to prolong his journey back home. Days where he took over his classmates after school cleaning duties alone, or sat on the swings of a nearby park till the sun was down.

And then, suddenly, it stopped.

When Tsuna thought their verbal fights could move on to being more physical (not that he'd allow his mother to get hurt), to his surprise, they had stopped fighting altogether.

By then, Tsuna was already halfway through the school year and was relieved to hear that his parents were finally able to settle down. But what he lived through pained him, and he wished that his father didn't return drunk with the scent of perfume all over him. Any person who lived with one parent while the other 'worked' overseas and rarely visited or even called would be delighted to finally be able to reunite with his or her parents as a whole family. Despite the happiness the brunette thought he would feel once his parents had stopped arguing, he only felt empty, incomplete.

His parents were no longer the lovey-dovey couple the neighborhood knew them as, always in each other's arms, giggling and laughing. It was to be expected after his father's return with faded lipstick stains littered all over his white tank top and jumper that blatantly screamed and exposed his activities shamelessly. The only time the three would sit as a family was during dinner, and even then the only sound would be the clinking of glass, the gulps of water, anything, but words were exchanged.

His parents seemingly ignored each other's existence, and he too, was disregarded by both. On the final term before the end of the school year, Tsuna had to live with making his own food with whatever was left in the fridge. Nana was never seen in the same room as Iemitsu and the said blonde was out almost every night and returned home either early in the morning or late in the evening of the next day as an abusive, angry drunkard.

Once, Iemitsu had painfully clutched and smashed his head against the wooden dining table when the blonde finally returned from his nightly outings at the bar or wherever he had been. Tsuna had just gone to the kitchen to grab a glass of water in the early morning, and next after he heard the door literally smashing hard open enough to leave indents on the wall, his head was pounding and he felt like blood was going to explode from the sudden force and his upper half of his body was pressed against the cold table; glass shattered on the floor.

That was when the abuse started.

Tsuna flinched as his blood coated fingers accidentally brushed past the edge of a cut as well as the dark growl that resounded in his bedroom from the blonde as he glared with eyes full of hate beneath the drunken glazed screen. Unconsciously, his hold on his right wrist tightened as he breathed in sharply, body rigid as Iemitsu slowly turned and wobbled away, swinging from side to side as he walked down to the door; shutting it behind him with force that made the brunette's heart jump at the slam and beat just as quickly - as if he had been running in a marathon.

He let out a shaky breathe, slumping forward as exhaustion washed through his senses, adrenaline leaving his body like a wave. As much as he wished to lie down immediately and sleep with the hours he had left, he had to clean and dress his wounds. He was lucky that he hadn't passed out from the pain or too much blood loss.

Making sure the blonde was on the floor beneath him, lounging on the couch or doing whatever he did after beating him, hesitantly he lowered himself to the floor, lying flat on his front as he reached for a small box that he kept hidden under his bed. He hissed at the stinging pain of his cuts and reminded himself to be more careful in moving around. Sliding the box to him, he quickly opened it pulling out what he needed.

Tsuna felt warm moist prick at the edge of his eyes as he dabbed the alcohol drenched cotton ball over the wounds that littered his pale arms. He had taken another quick shower under lukewarm water, all the while fearing that his mother or father could barge in at any time, and decorate his body further with pain. 'It's necessary.' Tsuna thought to himself as he winced when the water pressure increased (as he rose the temperature) seeping with a dull sting through to his fresh cuts on his back. 'Better to be safe and clean everything… just in case.'

He bit his lip, already knowing he had made too much noise for the night and fought the urge to cry out at the cooling sting of the alcohol over his now clean cuts. As the sensation slowly passed and the wetness had dried, he breathed out and moved to lightly wrap the wounds. Brows furrowed, Tsuna wondered if anyone had noticed the bandages that he tried to keep hidden underneath his clothes. Sitting against his bed after he deemed himself clean enough and pushed the small emergency medical kit back below, he relaxed slightly, turning around to climb on the mattress. His sensitive nose wrinkled in disgust as the familiar metallic smell of blood hung in the room.

The poor boy stared out the window into the rainy night, eyes down and broken, thinking if his parents would be acting like this if he had tried harder when he was younger. It turned out that the accusations that Iemitsu had slept with other people wasn't the only reason as to why he had drinking heavily. It was revealed that the blonde was also distraught with his appalling school records.

But to Tsuna, it was just another excuse, another alibi for a form of beating to release all his pent up emotions. With the few times he had made solid eye contact during his punishments, he had been able to confirm it. His father had a crazed look, swirling amongst other emotions that further fueled his anger. Punishing him, abusing him, and screaming insults at him. He knew that the blonde maniac would feel some sort of satisfaction - pleasure even in hearing him attempt to control his voice, watching him writhe in pain, attempt to hide the hurt in his eyes from his biting words. The sadistic bastard.

Tsuna only snapped out of his train of thoughts once he felt another sting biting his right arm near his wrist. He looked down in surprise to find scraps of dried blood caked under his fingers and that he had scratched his bare skin so hard it burned an angry pink and bled. He hadn't noticed anything at all as he thought about the wretched man. He stared at it, almost mesmerized by the trickle of crimson that dripped and stained his bed sheets. Glancing up and over his shoulder at the bright neon numbers on his clock, he noted the time. 11:36 pm

His weekly (or was it daily now?) beating had taken longer than usual, but he was just glad it was finally over. The agonizing hour had finally passed, and he snuggled closers into his cool bed sheets. Today was the first time his father used a knife, a small pocket knife that just seemed to appear out of nowhere from his pants pocket. Tsuna shivered when his hand lightly touched his cloth covered chest, remembering how dangerously close the knife was hovering over to his heart. His eyelids fluttered close for a moment as his breathe hitched at the memory, Iemitsu had kept the knife too close to his skin, teasing him, waiting for a certain factor in his actions, be it his eyes widening, his body inching away, even a shiver. Before he decided to graze his skin, slowly, a vertical line from his chest down, thin but deep enough to call forth blood. The teen didn't want to think about it. The possibility of being murdered during one of these sessions growing even more life-threatening, and by a blood-relative no less.

Tsuna shook of the thought and with a small groan, headed to the bathroom with quiet tiptoes. He passed the mirror taking a look at the boy staring back at him arms, face, chest filled with fresh bleeding cuts. The brunette gasped and looked down at his own body away from the reflection feeling for the bandages he wrapped around himself. It was there. He was sure of it.

"Huh? The bandages are here… Why can't I see them?" He looked back at the reflection confused. He noticed dark bags underneath his eyes, his hair disheveled. The reflection's eyes void from emotion.

"Is that… how I really look like?" he muttered feeling the rough surface of the bandage on his cheek.

His eyes wondered back to the mirror and he shrieked at the gleaming knife that invaded his vision. A taller figure stood behind him, an unnerving grin spread on his face. Snapping around, his hands grasped the sink tightly and he slipped on the mat with a cry as his bruised shin made harsh contact with the cold tiles. He could hear the blood rushing past and he gulped, hand clutching his shirt as he breathed in deeply to calm himself. His other free hand rested over his face and he brought his knees to his chest, reaching to clutch his head.

He was growing paranoid. He was imagining things that weren't there. He was too scared to run. What if he got caught?

Tears leaked out and muffled sobs seeped through his tightly closed lips. He had to calm down. A glass of water would be fine. He'd just sneak into the kitchen, grab some water and rush back to his room. Shaking, he stood up and he swore he could hear his bones creaking. He steadied himself, wiping his eyes before taking cautious steps down the stairs. The house was filled with silence, with darkness that was suffocating. The only light emitted from the lamppost nearby to the Sawada residence. Walking to the kitchen for water, he opened the cabinet filled with glass cups and he froze as it squeaked on its hinges. Now of all times it made noise. Tsuna craned his neck, and reached for a cup when the loud snores signaled an affirmative that he was safe… for now.

Pulling it out from its little stack, he noticed a small shine from the corner of his eye. Something seemed to glow, an object that demanded his immediate attention. Closing the cabinet quietly his eyes stayed glued to the object reflecting a small beam of light. Tsuna walked towards the sharp object as if in a trance. The light that bounced off was so fragile, and to the teen, it looked as if it was slowly fading. Slowly dying.

No one needed him. He was just Dame-Tsuna after all. He couldn't do anything correct.

He was useless... there wouldn't be any difference if he died right? No one would care, no one would notice.

A voice spoke in his mind, and the brunette realized it was his own. It was as if it was reassuring him, urging him further to plunge the kitchenware through himself. Repeating what countless of others said, only he was speaking to himself. Grasping the smooth handle in his hands, he shuddered at the sound it made as he lifted it out of its holder. The teen lifted it, wordlessly pointing it towards himself, to the middle of his chest. He could hear almost everything, the loud snores that his father made, the change in his breathe, his heart pounding, keeping him alive, and the faint blares of cars further down the road. The world he stood in was so quiet, so peaceful. He was brought back when he felt his arms start to shake. He hesitated, seeing as his body was scared, he was scared. He didn't want to feel any more pain. He was too afraid; he didn't want to die just yet. As much as the voice growled at him to do it, another voice came through to his mind.

It was soft and gentle, so delicate. A child's voice, a young girl's from the pitch of it. Her voice was so sweet and Tsuna felt like he was going to break down and cry. No one spoke to him that way, not a single person from the neighborhood. It was so caring and he felt his heart melt at her encouraging words and the want to die dissipate. His hands shifted and the edge of the knife was no longer aimed at himself. With his heart still racing, he pushed the knife back in its place before giving himself a slap for his stupid actions as he walked up the stairs to his room with his glass of water, his body heavy.

"Don't give up yet Tsuna-kun! I'm sure we'll meet again soon, it's a promise!"

I still have to keep my end of the promise...

Groggily dragging himself and his aching body to bed, Tsuna plopped down staring blankly at the ceiling, rolling over to his side as tears silently fell. He hated himself for attempting to end his life, he hated the way he was living, he hated the way he almost gave into the fake sweet words of how he would no longer be in pain if he surrendered, once he had died and moved on. He hated how he had not fully accepted the fact that his loving parents didn't have any more capacity in their hearts to care for him and were thoroughly disappointed in him. He still had a heart, and their words felt like a million needles had stabbed through causing him to bleed, to feel hurt; to feel affected by their cold tones.

Shaking, Tsuna threw the blankets over his trembling figure as he cried harder missing the times where he and his family got along. With the soothing aid of the rain, the brunette finally drifted off to sleep.

The sound of his alarm clock ringing brought the teen away from his empty dream. Tsuna turned the alarm off, silencing the little clock as he looked at the time. 6:45 am

He had enough time to buy a small lunch, take a shower before heading to school. Walking down the stairs to the kitchen he opened the fridge checking what he could eat for breakfast. Only cans of beer and other alcoholic drinks were placed in the shelves. Tsuna slammed the door closed, annoyed at the man, who fortunately had left sometime earlier. Deciding to just eat an apple for breakfast, the teen washed the fruit, taking a bite. Walking up, he grabbed his towel and clothes for the shower as well as the medical kit. He still had plenty of time before school started, and he decided it would somehow help him wake up for the day.

Not feeling like taking a long hot bath, he opted to take a quick shower. Throwing the apple in the bin before entering the toilet, he locked the door behind him brushing his teeth before he removed his clothes. Tugging on the dirty bandages, he checked over his cuts, some slightly coated in a thin dry layer of dark brown blood. The brunette sighed as the warm water hit his back. Washing then rinsing his hair, he moved onto washing his scared body wincing as the cuts stung when soap was dripped in. The cuts had stopped bleeding, but from experience Tsuna made note to apply some ointment and wrapped the cuts up again just in case.

Tsuna looking at his bandaged arms, "I don't think these cuts will heal fully if he keeps on adding more."

Getting up from his spot on the toilet, Tsuna slipped on his uniform walking out of the toilet with his used clothing dumping them in the basket by the washing machine. Checking the clock hanging in the living room, only 45 minutes had passed since he got up.

Walking back up to his room, he decided to attempt cleaning the mess of paper, stationary and clothes scattered on the carpeted floor. His picked up his pens and pencils littered on the floor, dropping them back in the case on his desk. His papers brought back on his desk somehow neatly. The clothes folded placed in his closet, unused. Tsuna looked out the window grabbing his wallet and bag, and a black umbrella. The sky didn't look as bright today, grey clouds blocking the bright sun.

Hearing his parents' bedroom door open, he ran down the stairs quickly tying his shoe laces not wanting to deal with any of their morning tantrums. Checking he had his key, the brunette sped walked through his normal route to school, making a stop at the convenience store buying two rice balls. He smiled at the feeling of the cold rice against his warm fingers. Before his eyes dimmed when he noticed the small bandages wrapped around his fingers. Soon he reached the gate looking at the place with the school's name stated in bold, proudly sitting to the side of the gate. Namimori Middle School.

His neutral mood immediately dropped down to slightly annoyed on his emotion meter, seeing the familiar faces of those who always made fun of him. Tsuna quickly dropped the two items in his light bag, trying to avoid any eye contact as the students around him whispered and snickered. He could already tell they were mocking him as they turned to talk obnoxiously with their group of friends and walked past him with a sneer or a gleam in their eyes that teased him. As if reminding him that he didn't have and would never have anyone to talk to. No friends.

Tsuna didn't notice the few worried gazes that were directed at him, taking in his appearance from what was visible. He ceased to care about what others thought of him as some stared at his face, a few bandages snaked around what was visible of his neck and cheeks. He rolled his eyes with an annoyed huff as he removed his outdoor shoes, slipping his indoor shoes on. Closing the little shoe box, he made his way to his classroom, paying no mind to all the giggles, muttering amongst other students and glares that were sent his way.

It was going to be another terribly long day.