The Adventure of Chappy Rukia!

Disclaimer: I can honestly proclaim that Tite Kubo owns Bleach and will continue to do so for eternity!

Captain Kickass and the Chappy Woman

Two legends reunited. Long forgotten by the new age fans of New 52, these heroes of the yesterday still know how to battle the evils of perversion and those ruin of potential dates. Enemies in the past are now allies in the quest to unite the future generations in their affairs of love and possible dark corner make-out sessions.

Arise old legends of Karakura!

One with sword and mask, the other with bust and ass…

…Really? I can get away with that? The check has been cleared, thank you Japan!

-The Royal Palace Restaurant-

Ted was not having a great robbery.

Having been the guy to accidently discharge his shotgun when his boss, Ginjo, was politely telling everyone that the guns were fake, it was likely that his chances for a promotion were royally screwed. He'd been with the HGS (Hired Goons Society) for nearly ten years and never had he slipped up quite like this before. This certainly wouldn't be good to put on his résumé.

…Thus making his wife beat him and threaten to take all of his belongings in divorce, which she will, and most likely leave him crying in the dust...Reality sucks…Yeah, didn't expect we'd go with that dark twist, now did you...

As he stood in the corner and contemplated taking a job as a male stripper, because let's face it the pay is better, he suddenly spotted something white and half-naked flying toward the window near him. That was when he noticed the huge blob of ice the white, half-naked thing was riding on heading right for him.

"Uh, boss? I think we're being invaded by a cosplayer and a prostitute—".

"Not now, Ted. The adults are talking," Ginjo quickly told him before turning back to Tsukishima. "Like I said, if we hang one out the window, we'll be vulnerable to sniper fire. So that threat won't work."

"We're in a room with large glass windows all around us. I don't think a sniper needs us to open one to get a shot," Tsukishima retorted, tapping his foot and looking at his watch. "It's almost been two hours. We need to do something soon."

"But boss—", Ted tried again.

"Whatever it is, it can wait. Now quiet, Ted!" the leader snapped, "Listen, killing a hostage now would be like jumping the shark with lead weights attached to all our limbs."

"…How does our robbery in any way coincide with an internet meme?" the right-hand man questioned.

"Because we're sunk, you idiot!"

For a final time, Ted called out, "Boss, I think that something—".

"You are in a time-out, so no talking! You are to stay in the corner and keep quiet until I give you leave to move!" Ginjo shouted before turning back to Tsukishima and continuing, "Anyway, if we only kill one, they'll think we're even more of pussies who can't finish the job."

"They'll think that already when we don't kill anyone and get arrested for robbing the wrong establishment," Tsukishima fired back, pointing the gun toward Ichigo and Rukia again.

Way in the corner, Ted gave very heavy sigh.

Turning back to the corner, he stared out the window silently. Because he was the dutiful goon that he swore he would always be, the sad man could only look up at the white, icy death that approached him. A single tear slipped down his face as the end drew near. That is why, as his boss' argument continued in full force, no one knew the attack was coming.

Glass shattered and a blast of snow and ice crashed into the room, sweeping poor Ted away without a single fuck being given.

Panic set in quickly among the hostages and gunmen. Amidst the chaos, Chappy Shirayuki landed gracefully atop the mountain of snow, striking a dramatic pose. At the bottom of the snow pile, Mystic Zangetsu, feeling left out, flipped a single table to notify everyone of his arrival as well.

Before anyone could react, Chappy Shirayuki pointed her blade toward the leader of the gunmen and shouted, "You vile scoundrels will not have your way any longer! As you requested, I have come, and now you will reap what you have sewn! For I am Chappy. The Defender of Justice!"

"And I'm Captain Kickass," Mystic Zangetsu added, politely raising his hand.

"No, you're not!" Shirayuki insisted, glaring down at him.

"Yes, I am."

"Go. To. Hell!"

"Screw you."

"Oh, please do…"

"You're doing it again."

Chappy Shirayuki slapped herself, confusing the already perplexed gunmen, and yelled at herself, "Bad Chappy! We do that outside!"

"Yeah, you really need to work on that." Mystic Zangetsu agreed.

"I won't take that kind of lip from you, Perverted Mask Man!"

"What kind of lip will you take then?"

The rescuers continued to argue, almost oblivious to their current surroundings. At that moment, Ginjo turned to Tsukishima with a look of utter confusion. Seeing this, the right-hand man could only shrug, forcing them to turn back to the pair that had forced them into this predicament.

Unbeknownst to them, Ichigo and Rukia were quietly shying away from actively looking at them. Turning to Rukia, Ichigo sighed and asked, "Do you ever look at them and think, 'This is the person I've always looked up to?'."

"…No. I always looked up to The Milk Man," Rukia replied proudly.

A sudden gunshot rang out and every turned to see Ginjo with a pistol aimed at the ceiling. The arguing rescuers stopped and turned their focus to him instantly. Slowly, he pointed the gun at the invading heroes and shouted, "Okay, who the hell are you people?!"

Narrowing her eyes and scoffing, Chappy Shirayuki gracefully slid down the ice pile until she was standing just in front of Mystic Zangetsu. In turn, the masked man adjusted the blade on his back and prepared for combat, all while keeping an eye on his partner.

Lifting her sword to point at Ginjo again, the replacement superheroine called back, "As I said, I am the one you requested to see. I am Chappy, the Defender of Justice. The one true hero of this fair—".

"No, you're not." Ginjo's deep voice echoed and for a moment, no one spoke a word.

Shirayuki was frozen in utter terror, fearing she'd been discovered as an imposter. Zangetsu was doing his best to be quiet because he kinda thought this might happen. Rukia was also perplexed because her maid had the wig to complete her costume and everything, so no one should be the wiser. And Ichigo was busy noticing the obvious differences in this Chappy's voice, height, and eye color compared to the original, so he wasn't all that surprised.

"How-How dare you say such thing?!" Chappy Shirayuki defended at last, waving her white blade around furiously. "I will not be disrespected like this. I will show you the true power of Chap—".

"Seriously, you're not fooling anyone." Ginjo's disbelief cut through her and she fell silent, making him was growing more brazen with each passing moment. "We've been taking extensive notes about Chappy over the last few weeks and you look barely reminiscent of our findings. Isn't that right, Tsukishima?"

"Indeed," the right-hand man replied, pulling a folder behind his back. "According to our findings; Chappy is almost six feet tall, has a flat chest reminiscent of a man's, with long hairy leg and a distinct bulge in her pants. Like this."

Reaching into the folder, he drew out a picture and showed it to everyone present. Ichigo, Rukia, Zangetsu and Shirayuki cringed as they beheld the image. Chappy Ichigo was adjusting his bunny suit by pulling at the ass end of it, his face turned away from the camera but his chest in full view.

Ichigo, Rukia, Zangetsu and Shirayuki collectively let their jaws drop as the photo was held up high for everyone to see.

In that moment, out the corner of his eyes, Ichigo saw a pistol on the floor near him. Very slowly, he reached out to grab it and put it to his head while whispering, "Sweet death, come to me!"

Just then, a small hand slapped the gun away and he turned to see Rukia glaring at him. "Stop doing that," she seethed.

Although horrified, Ichigo managed to glare at Rukia and say, "Remind me again who was it that said cross dressing as a superheroine would hurt both our reputations?"

"Would you have rather been castrated?" Rukia fired back.

"At this point, yes."

Putting the horrific photo away, Tsukishima closed the folder, set it on a nearby table and said, "So as you can see, you are the one lying here."

"Yeah, unless you shrunk and suddenly grew breasts in the last couple days," Ginjo added, half grinning arrogantly.

All of the gunmen surrounding the leader began laughing audibly, oblivious to the growing anger that was emanating from Chappy Shirayuki. Behind her, Mystic Zangetsu began giving the hand motion to stop, emphasizing it with the hand motion of getting their heads cut off, followed by holding up a sign with the image of a pair of sheers unmanning a poor man, pointing at it desperately. Unfortunately, all of the gunmen were laughing too hard to notice his efforts.

Joining in on the laughter, Ginjo continued, "Not to mention, that you don't exactly sound like beautiful young maiden. You sound even older than I am!"

"Uh, excuse me, Mr. Bossman? You really shouldn't—" Rukia abruptly tried to interrupt, knowing the hell that was awaiting them if he wasn't stopped. However, amidst the roar of laughter, the foolish leader could not hear her pleas.

Across the room, Chappy Shirayuki gripped her blade so tightly that her knuckles began to turn white. Behind her, Mystic Zangetsu sighed and prepared to defend himself from the wrath that was about to be unleashed.

With a wide and infuriating grin, Ginjo asked, "What? Was Chappy too busy to come herself and she had send her Grandma to fight in her place?!"

Almost the entire room, aside from the gunmen, audibly gasped and a heavy silence fell upon the area.

…He's a dead man…

Across the room, the replacement superheroine hung her head and closed her eyes.

Slowly, she lifted her free hand to the hilt of her white blade and grasped it tightly. With both hands, she rose the blade up into an attack stance. Her eyes snapped open, the icy crystal blues freezing anyone that dared to look at her. Even Ginjo found himself entrance by the magnificent sight of her eloquent movement.

In that moment, the beautiful superheroine spoke a single word before pressing down on the power button of her sword.

"Hakuren."

A frigid blast of ice and snow erupted from the white blade. It froze table and chairs, cloths and silverware as it roared toward her foes.

Ginjo was frozen in place, unable to move as the icy wave of death raced to claim him. Suddenly, his body was flung aside as Tsukishima dived and knocked both of them out of the way. The ice and snow plowed into most of the gunmen and froze them instantly.

Shirayuki glanced back at Zangetsu, her eyes still shimmering.

"Take them down," she said quietly, her voice icy and vicious.

Under his mask, Zangetsu breathed heavily and stared into her brilliant crystal eyes. The heat rose under his collar and he found himself unable to look away from her shimmering blues. Almost without his knowing it, he said, "God, I've missed you."

Then, Chappy Shirayuki gave an uncharacteristic smile and chuckled, "Don't make me repeat myself."

Immediately, she leapt forward and began slashing at the gunmen as they began firing at her. She slid on the ice she'd created, flowed past them effortlessly and swiped at them with her icy blade, freezing even more of them.

Unbeknownst to her, a warm smile lay underneath Zangetsu's mask as he replied, "Yes, ma'am."

Reaching up, he grabbed his large cleaver, the wrappings unbinding themselves as he pulled it from his back. With a low and distorted howl, he suddenly disappeared.

Amidst the newly begun battle, Tsukishima tried to help Ginjo up but he could only stare at the icy devastation, his mouth wide open. He saw many of his men, frozen in awkward position, still alive but quite uncomfortable. Gritting his teeth and glaring at their attacker, Ginjo rose to his feet, assisting Tsukishima at the same time.

Grabbing a shotgun form a nearby table, the leader pointed it at Chappy Shirayuki and shouted, "Screw peaceful protesting! Gun the bitch down!"

…Sure, Ted gets off-ed in the first ten seconds and no one cares but when Nameless Goons 2-12 get iced, then he gives a shit…Evil is fucking weird…

Nearby, a group of gunmen began opening fire on Chappy Shirayuki as she put up an ice wall for cover. They fired continuously at her wall, cracks beginning to form in it, when suddenly a shadow fell over them all. With terrified eyes, they slowly turned to see the grinning skull of a mask bearing down on them, his cleaver raised high.

With a quick swipe, all of the gunmen firearms were slice in half. Staring in disbelief at their destroyed weapons, the gunmen only had a moment before a horrific and distorted howl screeched down at them from the Masked Man.

Panicking, the goons immediately fled away. However, as the turned to see where they were fleeing, they found a grinning Chappy Shirayuki standing before them. One of the smarter goons knew that their time was over, so he began mercilessly beating his face with the butt of his destroyed shotgun, knocking himself unconscious.

The others were not so lucky.

Three swift and icy strikes flashed before the eyes of the other gunmen. Before they could react, ice completely engulfed all of them, beginning at the crotch area. With a sadistic grin, Chappy Shirayuki looked to Mystic Zangetsu and gave a simple wink. In response, he nodded before disappearing to deal with more enemies.

As the sounds of screams and freezing echoed all around, Ichigo and Rukia sat in the center, looking on with boredom.

With a heavy sigh, Ichigo said, "I know we should be happy that they came to save us but—".

"This royally sucks."

Ichigo's eyes shot to Rukia as she sat there and seethed, "I wanted to be the one freezing these bastards and grinning evilly and…and…" Her voice trailed off and she sighed herself. "I waited months for this—".

"Getting held up at a restaurant?" Ichigo cut in.

"Don't make me call Shirayuki over," Rukia threatened, "Anyway, I finally out of the house and have the opportunity to use my powers, only to get benched and wait for the fun to end."

"Well, it's not like we could reveal who we—".

"I know that, Ichigo. But it doesn't make the situation any better…considering we never even got to eat."

Bringing her knees up to her chin, she rested her head atop her knees and watched her mentor in envy. Her eyes looked so defeated and dull, something her orange haired date never thought he'd ever see. Ichigo opened his mouth to say something but couldn't find the words.

Suddenly, an explosion rocked the area and one of the large glass windows shattered. The hostages screamed and the superhero rescuers turned back to see none other than Ginjo standing atop a table. He wore a vest with numerous grenades on it and bore two more in each hand.

Spitting out the pin his mouth, he glared at Chappy Shirayuki and Mystic Zangetsu while shouting, "I will not be humiliated by a bunny hooker woman and a perverted masked fetish man!"

Pulling the pins of two more grenades, he threw them directly at them. As they flew overhead, Shirayuki's eyes widened and she immediately thrust her sword out. Ice encased the explosives immediately and they fell to the floor, disabled.

Narrowing her eyes at Ginjo, the replacement superheroine pointed her blade at him and another blast of ice roared out. Seeing this, the leader grinned and waved his hand. From behind him, a wave of gunmen, all carrying flame throwers, made a wall in front of him. As one, the gunmen fired a wave of fire at the oncoming ice, melting it before it reached them.

Her eyes widening, Shirayuki was frozen in shock at their surprising ingenuity. Shaking it off, she readied herself again and shot another wave of ice at them. However, just as before, the gunmen spewed flames and disabled her attack before it reached them. Chappy Shirayuki gritted her teeth as Ginjo began to laugh at her.

"Ha! What will you do now, Fake?! Our flame wall is impenetrable!" he bellowed as his men quickly replaced their canisters and readied for another attack.

…Did they get all these weapons from their Grandfather's basement or something?! Serious, I don't think bringing military grade weapons to a hostage taking can really be called a peaceful protest!…

The gunmen shot their flames directly at Shirayuki and she immediately put up a wall of ice. The smashed into the icy defense and steam began erupting from it instantly. As the flames licked the only thing preventing her from being roasted, Chappy Shirayuki felt sweat trickle down her face as uncertainty beginning to take over.

As Ginjo continued to laugh, a different figure approached.

A sudden large swipe extinguished the flames just as they broke through Shirayuki's ice wall. Stumbling a bit, the tired superheroine breathed heavily and looked up. Standing directly in front of her, Mystic Zangetsu glared through his skull mask at her attackers. Shirayuki's breath almost hitched in her throat at the sight of him.

Undeterred by this new attacker, the gunmen spewed flames toward him again. As the wave of fire came rolling toward him, Zangetsu raised his blade high above his head and shouted, "You shall not…pass!"

…Obligatory Lord of the Rings reference…Only Uncle Kickass can get away with that. Anyone else and I'd tear their shit to pieces…

With a single swipe, the coming flames split down the middle and fizzled out. The force of his swing alone blasted through the line of gunmen and crashed directly into Ginjo himself. His eyes flying open, the leader was thrown from the table and smashed into the hard floor beneath him.

Opening his eyes and staring up at the ceiling, Ginjo whimpered, "Okay…now we're fucked."

On the other side of the room, Zangetsu turned back to Shirayuki and asked, "Are you unharmed?"

Only now did Shirayuki realize she had been staring at him so intently that it should have bore a hole in the back of his head. Angry with herself for gawking at his pure awesomeness, she shook her head and scoffed, "I was doing fine. I do not need your assistance."

Gritting her teeth and turning away, Shirayuki seethed at how cool and badass he was being right now. It was her only real weakness. Too many men tried, and failed to be utterly badass, but this man did it naturally and effortlessly. It was what made her believe this man-creature was different from the others so many years ago.

"Why does he have to be so amazing at everything he does?!" she whispered furiously.

"Is that what you think of me?" he questioned.

"It was just another slip. Let it go!"

Shrugging his shoulders, the Masked Man looked back to the gunmen and said, "Either way, this has gone on long enough, we need to end this."

As much as she wanted to disagree, Shirayuki knew he was correct. As they readied themselves for battle, a sudden hiss caught their attention. Their heads shot toward the other side of the room just in time to see a rocket speed toward them. Thinking quickly, Shirayuki shot a blast of ice at it.

However, the ice made hard contact with the tip of the rocket, causing it to rupture. Unfortunately, the rocket was only a few feet from them when it contorted and exploded. The resulting explosion caught both superheroes off guard and sent them flying back through a door behind them.

Hearing the explosion, Ginjo shot up from the floor. A great smile appeared on his face when he saw that, far on the other side of the room, Tsukishima stood with an empty rocket canister.

"I owe you one!" the leader shouted before turning to his men, "Get 'em!"

As one, the group of gunmen rushed toward the room of the fallen heroes.

At the same time, Ichigo and Rukia's eyes widened. On impulse, Rukia shot up and was about to rush to their predecessor's aid when a hand caught her. Her gaze shot back to see Ichigo, who was looking just as worried but also confident.

He slowly shook his head and said, "They won't let something like that kill them."

"That's not what I'm worried about!" she shouted, pointing to the sign above the door.

Puzzled at her words, Ichigo looked over to where the pair had been blown and his eyes widened.

Zangetsu felt a number of heavy objects atop him. Opening his eyes slowly, he realized that he could see openly out of one eye. Part of his mask had cracked and now revealed the area just above his cheek up to his hairline. Groaning, he forced his body to get back up.

He began to move and thought he heard someone calling to him but the ringing in his ears was too loud. Shaking off some debris, he began to stand up and looked around. His jaw dropped at the sight before him.

He was standing in the center of the largest kitchen he'd ever seen in his entire life!

"…need to get…of here!" a voice suddenly penetrated the ringing of his ears. His eyes shot over to see Chappy Shirayuki, very beaten up with one arm bleeding, still shouting at him. Suddenly, her voice was able to cut directly through the ringing.

"Get the hell out of here! You're useless in a place like this!" she screamed while pointing to the exit.

"Oh, really?" a menacing voice said. The superheroes froze as they saw Ginjo, Tsukishima, and the line of flame thrower gunmen had followed them. "All we have to do is keep the perverted masked man in here then! It's like his Kryptonite!"

…More like Red Kryptonite! He's going to kill the world!...

Zangetsu gritted his teeth and almost took a step but stopped. If he so much as touched a single item, it could cause a chain reaction worse than any he'd caused before. The Chernobyl Explosion would be like a footnote compared to the amount of damage he could potentially cause in this place!

With him unable to move, the gunmen turned their attention toward the replacement Chappy. They encircled Shirayuki with the flame weapons and she barely had time to get up an ice wall before they began pelting her with fire. Looking down at the gauge on the end of the hilt, Shirayuki saw that the prototype ice sword was almost out of power.

Just as the last of her ice power was about to extinguish, a booming voice shattered the area.

"Enough!"

All heads turned toward the voice, the flames stopping just as the ice wall finally gave way. Ginjo, Tsukishima, Chappy Shirayuki and the gunmen all turned to see Mystic Zangetsu standing over a turkey in roaster pan. In his hand, a turkey baster was gripped tightly.

"Now, nobody move. Or I will baste this turkey!"

His voice echoed far into the dining room and reached the ears of both Ichigo and Rukia.

"Well, it was nice knowing you," the orange haired young man immediately said to his date as he pulled her close and shielded her from the soon to be coming explosion. On the other side, Rukia eagerly hid beneath him, not complaining about him being her human shield.

Back inside the kitchen, the gunmen stood, perplexed by his threat, not understanding the severity of his actions. Meanwhile, Shirayuki face-palmed and tried to pretend she didn't actually know him. Even if Zangetsu's actions temporarily saved her, if he actually went through with it, both of them could be flambéed.

…And now the obligatory cooking joke! We did, we are the kings of the crappy running gag!...

After a few moment of very uncomfortable silence, Tsukishima shrugged and said, "That's…nice? But I really don't care. Get them."

"Wait!" Ginjo suddenly shouted, throwing his arms out in front of his men. Everyone stopped and looked to him as he continued, "I can't believe it. I never thought he really existed, until now."

Raising an eyebrow, Tsukishima asked, "What, the hell, are you talking about?"

Taking to a more serious voice and appearance, Ginjo explained, "When I was a boy, there was a great legend of Karakura. A young man who wore a huge skull mask and fought evil-doers. They say that his power was an ancient curse. If he even so much as attempted the idea of cooking…everything would be reduced to ashes! I had heard that he perished in the great kitchen fire of 1980, caused when he accidentally dropped an egg into a pot of boiling water. But now it seems, he's returned!""

Ginjo's eyes met Zangetsu's revealed eye and the gunmen leader gasped, pointing at the masked man.

"He is…The Un-Chef!"

A collective gasp from all the gunmen froze them in their tracks. Their hands shook and everyone watched as Ginjo slowly began to back away, heading for the exit. At that moment, Zangetsu flicked his wrist with the baster, making everyone flinch.

As Ginjo prepared to give the command for everyone to throw down their weapons, a strong hand landed on his shoulder. The gunmen leader turned to see Tsukishima smiling warmly at him.

"Kugo Ginjo," the right-hand man began, "That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!"

Abruptly, Tsukishima struck Ginjo on the head, knocking him unconscious. With a malicious grin, the right-hand man turned back to his men and said, "Burn the bitch!"

Not willing to go against the terrifying man, the gunmen turn their flame throwers toward Shirayuki once again. The replacement superheroine narrowed her eyes and prepared for the attack.

Seeing this, Zangetsu looked back to the baster and said, "May God have mercy on this turkey." With a hard squeeze, the baster took action and basted the turkey in butter.

From outside the building, the police watched as the windows of the restaurant were all suddenly blown out, a massive amount of singed turkey feathers flooding outward and falling to the ground below.

To Be Continued…

So yeah, there's more to Zangetsu than we thought! And this will, in turn, tie into Ichigo later. Either way, I had fun with this chapter and I hope you all enjoyed it very much! Didn't have much time to write lately but I squeezed this one out, much like the baster, and I hope it wasn't too much of an explosion in your faces! XD

Please leave a review to encourage me, hopefully get me to write faster, or just to tell me if you still enjoy the story. Thanks and keep on smiling my beautiful readers.